Life Is Changing.

the juggleLots of thoughts going on in my brain… I’m struggling a bit these days… here is why.

Dating.  Feeling Foolish.  I just found out from a very reliable source that Italian Stallion was indeed dating others.  I feel foolish for trusting him. Makes me feel gullible.  Now I get why we never went out in public.. why he broke up with me when and how he did.. as I hear more about him and his antics, I realize that I was foolish and naive.   Bums me out.  Not that I’m upset that we are not together, I’m upset that people are no longer trust-worthy.  They don’t deserve trust or the benefit of the doubt.  My heart tells me that people are innocent until proven guilty. But this is just not reality – I have to assume that people are guilty until proven innocent. It’s so opposite of my personality…  Makes me want to crawl into my own space and not deal with people.

Dating. ATrain.  Went to the Bahamas with ATrain (more on this soon) and he suggested that we get back together.  Damn straight I’m a great partner.  I’m angry and frustrated that he didn’t see it before….   Can I get over the fact that he didn’t see it when we were together?  Can I really start over fresh with him? It really doesn’t help that he is pouring it on thick while I’m dealing with my Italian Stallion experience (above).  There are things I want, things that I shared with him, all have to do with feeling secure and stable:

  • Living space.  I want to live with my partner.  For us, we would need at least a 3/2 and some significant change (i.e. ATrain puts everything on the countertops.. a messy countertop drives me insane… insane I tell you. I cannot focus if there is shit on the counter.).
  • Security.  We either get married or I have that same security through documentation. I don’t want to worry about where my next meal is coming from.
  • Status.  he needs to be divorced. No more excuses.

But when I think about it, really think about it, there are a few things that I want that I have not admitted to or shared out loud. If I’m going to have it all, here is what I would add to the list:

  • Child. I want one. Doesn’t have to be a baby.. but a child. That I can raise. It is not about giving birth, it is about having an experience and a positive impact in this world. But is this even reasonable? I am almost 45…and I do love my sleep. I want this, but only if I have a great partner. Doing it alone is not for me.
  • Work Part Time. Especially important if I have a kid. I do not want to deal with unrealistic expectations and unreasonable hours.
  • Freedom. I want a partner for life. But I also want the freedom to experience others once in a while. I’m not sure that monogamy is possible…  so many cheaters.. why be a cheater when you can be honest and up front with a partner?  Is this possible – to make an agreement that is amenable to both parties re: sexual liaisons?

I know. These others are very big deals and difficult to discuss…  I am not sure how important they are to me until I meet a partner that is worthy of having this discussion with.

Work.  New Adventure.  So I found a new job.  I signed the employment agreement last week.  I officially start in June but will be doing some work prior to starting.  Ever since this happened, I am experiencing anxiety.  I did so much due diligence on the company and the leadership team, I cannot imagine that this is why the anxiety has kicked in. I think that my last job really had a negative impact on me. I’m lucky I have a few months to get over whatever is going on….

Family.  As you all know my family has been through a lot in the last 6 months.  Things are smoothing out… AbFab is speaking with her mother again, the girls have seen their Grandma again…  My twin is doing very well. The cats are healthy for now..  My parents are my parents – retired and loving it.

Not sure what else there is to share… I’m exhausted and need to go to bed. Please share your journey and/or thoughts.

3 Month Relationship – Conversation Follow-up.

image

What I’m about to share it true.  It happened to me this morning at 10am PST.

In a previous post, I shared how a recent relationship ended. Today I had coffee with the Italian Stallion so there are a few more details to share.

First, I wanted to meet with him because I had a suspicion that he wasn’t being fully truthful and it was bothering me. I also wanted to learn from this experience. At the end of the day, I do want a long-term partner at some point in my life.

Second, I forgot to mention, which a friend tells me it was a huge miss, that Italian LOVED to talk about how much $$ he has… How he takes care of people with his money (his kids, ex-wife, lovers, hotel staff, friends, strangers, etc..). How I would never have to worry about money if we got together…   Anyway, a great example, his car collection.  I do not care about cars.. At all.  All I care is that it gets me from point A to point B without incident.  I don’t care if it’s a 1979 Datsun or a 2016 Tesla.  Anyway, Italian Stallion would talk about his cars…  He has 2 cars and 2 trucks.  One of his cars is a Ferrari or Maserati…  He drove it (like a maniac I might had) on our 2nd date.  Parking was difficult so he parked it in a no parking zone. I told him we had time to find a legal spot and that I didn’t mind walking.. He said “if I can afford this car, I can afford the ticket or the tow.  Now let’s go.”

Ok. Back to today.  I meet him at Peet’s Coffee.  He walks in while I’m ordering a coffee… He comes over to me, has a huge smile on his face which was cute and disarming, leans over and kisses me on the cheek.  I offer to buy him a cup of java and he accepts.  We get our coffee and sit down. I thanked him for meeting with me….  I then told him I wasn’t upset or angry but I wanted to have an adult conversation about our relationship and breakup.

My first question for him had to do with his method of breakup – Why did he decide to break up with me over text?  I told him that I thought he had more integrity/class than that so his method of text surprised me. I suggested that he easily could have called me to discuss on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, or even Wednesday. He did NOT answer the question.  He reiterated to me that I have been gone too much over these last 3 months and that he has spent far too much of this time “waiting” for me and that he doesn’t need to be waiting around for me when others are “aggressively pursuing him”.

My second question for him was about his level of interest – I just didn’t see or feel that he was in it to win it.  I responded accordingly.  I gave him 3-4 examples that stood out to me:

  • Drugs, and Dancing.  In the first month of our relationship he went to Mexico for 5 days with a friend and ended up spending the entire time with a group of girls, which he bought coke for. They danced and drank together for 5 days.  He was so wrecked when he got home he needed 3 days to “dry out” before he was back to normal.  My point to him was two-fold: 1) would he be happy if I hung out with guys who bought me coke and I danced with them all night every night? And 2) if I was important to him, wouldn’t he have been in better shape when he saw me? Like be excited to come home and see me and maybe cut back on the drugs and booze on the last night?  Maybe?  And I only know all of this because he told me.  I did not ask, he shared all of this freely, and not just with me, but with my friends as well.
  • My Family.  the fact he never asked about my cats, who we all know are my fur babies. Not once. Why Ab Fab is so important to me?
  • My Career.  The fact he never wanted to understand or talk about why I am on a 6 month hiatus from work?
  • Friends.  He met mine…  Why did we not go out with his friends?  He spent a lot of time with “his buddies”… And I never met a one.  Is the term “buddies” mean that he has another date?

I admit that while these things were occurring I DID NOT say anything. I just shrugged my shoulders and accepted it… Again, it’s because I didn’t think he was serious, I wasn’t serious, so none of these things really matter if the relationship is not long-term.

I did tell him I thought the breakup was ironic given that I’m around the entire month of April AND most of May AND I go back to work and have a regular schedule in June…. He started in with “it’s timing” and “I was gone too much” … Yada yada… I did not tell him that the breakup seemed pre-mature at best, and potentially an excuse for another reason.

At the end of the day, he never really answered any of my questions, but my theory is that he had a date last Saturday night and things went well.  My guess is that he would never have called/texted me again IF I hadn’t reached out. Which doesn’t bode well for his character..  But I would say this is more the norm.  Remember Mr. Showtime back in 2011 here and here?

But the story gets better.

As we were talking, we were laughing, joking, having a good time.  We do get along well. He is a fun guy-life of the party, center of attention.  He then told me that I have beautiful eyes and a contagious smile and that I light up any room I walk into (I know, super sweet).   THEN he says that when he watches me smile and laugh he gets hard.  Then he asked me IF I WANTED TO TOUCH IT.  I know.  Wait, there is more.  He then reached out, touched my hand, and …… asked me if I wanted to go to his house and fool around.

Yep, just let that sink in for a minute.  This happened in a flash at a Peet’s Coffee.

I light-heartedly told him “not now”…  There is not a chance in hell that I’m going to ever have sex with him (see reasons why here), but IMO mens ego’s are less bruised when they hear “not now” vs. “no”.

You would think that is enough.. but wait, there is more!  He then proceeds to tell me that he wants to be friends, he would still like to do things together because I’m a cool and fun girl, and:

  1. That we should stay friends because I’ve never met anyone like him.. (which is true)
  2. How lucky I am that he is so vocal in bed – because it shows that he is having a great time and it’s a complement to how good we are together.
  3. And he would be open and available for me to come over to his house and fuck him anytime.

I know. A person like this does exist on this planet. I have seen it for my own eyes.  At the end of the day, I will continue to be his friend (we have a lot of mutual acquaintances).  He is a fun guy.  My gut feeling is that I won’t see him again…  He isn’t going to reach out to me ever again, and I have zero plans to check in with him.  It was as smooth a breakup as you can have.  All egos in-tack, no one damaged or worse from the experience.

And there you have it folks, the end of a romantic relationship.

 

 

 

What a 3-Month Relationship Looks Like.

imageI met a guy in early January.  We dated.  We moved to the friend zone this morning.  Here is what transpired.

I met “Italian Stallion” online.. He didn’t want people to know that so we say we met at Trader Joes.  We meet for drinks – we click.  He wines and dines me 2 more times.. He says he wants to take it to the next level.  What he means is he wants to have sex.  I’m not ready, but hey, a girl needs some real action every now and then so I opted in.

CAUTION: The next few paragraphs contain slightly graphic sexual content. Yes, I am including the juicy bits. You are welcome.

We continued to see each other casually.  We went out a few times a week when I was in town*.  *=take note of this, it will come into play in the very near future.  Going out consisted of me meeting him at his house, him sticking his tongue down my throat upon entry, having sex (he couldn’t wait, that’s how he “connects”), then sitting around watching movies like an old married couple.

While in this 3 month relationship I spent a lot of time away. After all, I am “temporarily retired” and I like to do things. I spent a few weeks in Utah, went to Yoga Retreat in Mexico, spent 2 weeks in the Bahamas (more on this coming)… Italian Stallion would text/call every now and again, but certainly not consistently.

The sex was also not that great for me.  Here are a few reasons why:

  1. His penis is not that big.  And this wouldn’t be a problem IF he didn’t talk about how big it was all the time.  It worked, he knew what to do with it, but it wasn’t big.  All I could think about when we were having sex is about all the girls he’s been with that have told him he is huge, when in fact, he is average.  And who was I to burst his bubble?  Hard to focus on having an orgasm when I’m thinking about the mans penis size and all the other girls who have supported his belief that he is well endowed.
  2. He is a dirty talker. He loved to talk dirty, in public and in the bedroom.  Which is fine, to each their own.  But when you are having sex with someone and they use statements like “gimme that pussy” or “come to Pappa” or “Who’s your daddy” (he is 60-something so it’s kind of creepy) or “fuck that cock, yes, fuck that big cock“.  Anyway, I wasn’t able to get into a rhythm because I was too busy wondering where he picked up these statements and if other women were actually turned on by this.
  3. He has loud orgasms.  As you would expect, someone who loves to talk dirty in bed is also very expressive when he orgasms.  I am on the Chelsea Handler team where men should watch themselves in a mirror and ask themselves if what they see is what they want to bring into the bedroom.  She does a hilarious bit about this in her Uganda Be Kidding Me standup routine (out on Netflix). You can go here and see a less dramatic version of it during an interview – http://teamcoco.com/video/chelsea-handler-sex-rules.  When he was ready to “explode” he would start to scream at the top of his lungs, “NO, NO, NO…. Then more softly yell yes, yes yes “…. And a few other choice words while in the euphoric state.

In this case, between his size, his dirty talk, and the sound and fury of his orgasm, it was all just too distracting for me.

Ok. Enough of that.  Here is how the breakup happened.

I returned from the Bahamas last week and wanted to see him. Actually, I didn’t really care if I saw him again but since we were dating I thought it was best if I put in some effort.  So I called him on Wednesday. He didn’t have time to see me until Friday.   I met him at his house, we had dinner, sex, and a movie.  When I left his house on Friday he felt much better and connected again.  He even texted me Saturday morning – his exact words – “It was great seeing you last night. I had a great time and I hope you did too”.

He had plans on Saturday so he said he would call me on Sunday.  He didn’t call.  I spent the day with my friend at the pool, asking for advice on how to break up with Italian Stallion.  So many ways to do it…  Some suggestions were hilarious.  I’ll save this for another post too.

Anyway, I finally reached out to him Tuesday evening via text – said I hoped he had a nice weekend and that I missed him.  I didn’t really miss him, but isn’t that what you say when you are dating someone?  He responded by text the following – He said that things “broke” between us when I went to the Bahamas and he couldn’t get it back… And that we should date other people and just be friends.

Personally I think he had a date Saturday night and it went well… I’ve asked to meet him to discuss.. Only because I want to ask questions and get a better understanding. I never got the feeling he was serious..  I thought we were just casual and in no way did I think we were exclusive.  Anyway, we are scheduled to meet this Friday for coffee. Interesting how things play out isn’t it? I got my breakup without having to be the heavy. 🙂

That my friends is what a 3 month relationship looks like.  I will update this post IF I do indeed meet with Italian Stallion on Friday.

Life is Full Of Lessons.

a-lesson-will-repeat-itself-until-learnedI’m spending a lot of time by myself, thinking through my relationships, the meaning of life, and trying to wrap my head around what it all means.

I’m lucky that I have a lot to focus on at work during the week.  I’m working hard – really working at changing my career for the better.  It’s been harder than I expected.  I just got my performance review back, a 360 degree review.  I’m struggling with some feedback, it is opposite of what I expected, and opposite of what I thought I’d discussed with my manager during the hiring process. I’m thinking hard about what I plan to do about the review and what it means for my career. I am NOT going to seek for approval or acceptance for an unlimited time period.  I will give myself a few weeks to work through the feedback, discuss my thoughts with my manager, and set my boundaries.I’m no longer willing to give without getting.. At the end of the day, I need to define the amount of time I’m willing to give before I get what I want.

Which leads me to what I’m really after.  I’m not willing to wait around for someone else to tell me what I’m worth. My job is to define my worth and let others know what that is.  I set my currency value.  I’ve never done this before – and looking back, reflecting on my past relationships, I realize how much power I have given up both at work and at home.  I don’t mean power in the way of control, but power in the sense of defining the things that are important to me, communicating the things I need and want from others.

This is a very big revelation for me.  I am disappointed that I didn’t learn this lesson from my first big relationship loss, or the end of my marriage… and that it actually took a total of 4 failed relationships to learn it.  But hey, at least I’m learning it now.  Knowledge is power, and is the first step in change.

Soooo, here I am. With a new found revelation.  I love it. It’s time for change, and I’m all for it.  Have any of you read the book How People Change?  I read this in college and I think about it all the time. The lesson I learned from the book – that awareness is the first step to making a difference, a real change.  There is a lot of work ahead to make my new found perspective a reality. But I know how to do it. So I’m on my way.

Where is My Mr. Big?

happy-coupleI miss him.  I know I’ve done a lot these last few years, and maybe I have been hard to track down given all my moves, but a day doesn’t go by where I wonder where My Mr. Big is and how he is doing.  Is he happy?  Does he wonder where I am? Does he wish things had ended differently? Does he wonder if I still think about him?  For me, what we shared was the most simple and honest of all my relationships.  I understood and liked his quirks. I thought he felt the same.  If we had questions or were confused, we confronted them.  There were no elephants in our closet (like there had been in my marriage)…

Given the way he disappeared, I don’t expect to ever see him again (bummer for me as he was a good-looking man, and laying my eyes on that piece of man candy would be awesome!).  I would love to see him, if only briefly, to get a better understanding  of what he was going through, what was going on in his head when he decided to move on.  What was on the other end that was worth giving up what we shared?  I’m not  judging, I just would just like to know.  I’ve got all sorts of ideas in my head, it would be nice to put the ideas to rest and know the truth, no matter what it is.

I think of “us” now, especially as I move onto yet another phase in my life. I wonder what it would be like to have him by my side. If he would support it, steer me in a different direction…  I respected him, his experience, and his advice.  And to some degree, wonder what it would be like to have him by my side.

If anything, I don’t understand why people who loved each other so much can’t stay in contact, be friends, be supporters, be the cheerleaders we all need in our lives.  I’m not a jealous person, so I don’t get how people can choose to drop out of someone’s life … if you loved someone at one time, don’t you still love/admire those qualities about that person?

Anyway, this is a short post about missing someone who is special to me.  He taught me about love, passion, and happiness, and that all of it IS possible with a partner (vs. on your own). I know how to get there on my own, but the cats meow is when you can get all of the above WITH a partner.  Thank you Mr. Big. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, smiling, and at peace with yourself.   xoxo.

Spending A Few Nights In.

2013_03_Sophie_and_ZoeyI FINALLY heard from FreeBird.  I sent her a few emails AND actually left a VM (I hate voicemail and recorded messages in general) for her to no avail.  I was so worried about her!  Now I know that she is not only O.K., but she is fabulous!  Life is changing for her, for the better, and she is going to be moving closer to me… since it’s all about me, how fabulous is this?!?  I will be seeing her soon, possibly next Friday.

I’ve also spent the last few nights in. With myself.  I should have worked both nights, or unpacked, done laundry, cleaned the house, etc., but instead I sautéed some veggies, made some cupcakes, drank a lot of wine, watched a season of Mad Men, and now finishing up a season of Parks And Recreation.  Tonight’s going to be a late night as I can’t procrastinate any longer – I have a lot of status reports due to my management by noon tomorrow.

A few thoughts that have run through my head:

  • I went to lunch today with my colleagues and asked the waitress about the treatment of the farm animals that are now meat on their menu. I asked in a nice way, but yes, I’m still on my non-violence to farm animals kick.  My stomach still turns thinking about what the chicks, pigs, and cows endure.
  • I think I’m over my jet lag.  Got up at 8am this morning and heading to bed soon.
  • Since my new diet (sans meat) and dairy (I hate milk but I love yogurt and cheese),  I’ve not had any stomach issues.

Another thought that is constantly on my mind –  Money and Relationships.  The furniture in my current cottage was purchased at yard sales or on Craigslist. The entire living room cost me $170. Why was I so frugal?  Because I was $3000 dollars away from being homeless.  If I had lost my job in Nov. ’13, I would have been living on C-Licious’ couch.  If I hadn’t rented out my house OR my condo in Utah, I’m sure one, or both of these places would be in foreclosure right now.   I feel super lucky to have survived.  Things have improved for me in the sense that I have more of a cash cushion now (not much, but more) but I still worry sick about it.  All the time. Every minute of every day.  I will be working and all of a sudden I will have a panic attack about it.  I’m done with this level of stress.  This is why my major NYR this year is to get as debt-free as possible.  I plan to pay off all my debt and sell all my non-CA properties so that all I have is my CA home mortgage.  That way if I ever get in a bad place again, I’ll be able to handle it on my current salary.  Once I get rid of the debt, I’m back to my saving ways.

For those of you who don’t know, I purchased and remodeled the house of my dreams. It’s on a big lot, or what is considered a big lot in Northern CA.  I have so many dreams, so many plans….. I  love this house.  BUT I don’t live there. I rent it out. I live in a tiny 1 bedroom cottage at the back of a small cottage.  It’s a converted garage.  Makes me want to convert my garage to a studio/1 bedroom… which I will do after I a) get debt free, and b) have a large cash cushion.

So where is this story going?  ATrain offered to buy me a couch and I took him up on it.  Just as I’m trying to make a break, to get some space from him and our relationship, he offers to make my life a little bit easier, and I wasn’t able to say no.  My current couch needs to be re-upholstered – it needs new cushions and fabric. Its cheaper to re-upholster the current couch than a buy a new couch, but I can afford neither.  ATrain gave me money for a new couch (he doesn’t like the old couch).  I officially ordered the new couch yesterday. It will be here in 3 weeks. It’s exactly what I want –  a couch with chaise in the exact color I want.  I’ve never had exactly what I wanted before… I’m giddy with excitement, but at the same time I’m stressed and overwhelmed by the expectations that I think it will bring.  I do plan to resell all my living room furniture to help pay for the couch, but even if I break even, its pennies on the dollar compared to the cost of my new couch.

O.k. enough procrastination.  I’ve got to get my status reports done. I’ll get it done.  AND I do have a date tomorrow, with my girlfriend Hannah – we are going to a charity event, set up and paid for by ATrain, but still, it’s an opportunity to get dressed up and go out!  I’ll take pictures and share what I can…

Moral of the story – even while sitting at home I can find plenty to do that doesn’t include work or housecleaning. 😉

Reconnecting.

Hello friends.

I know I’ve been out of touch, I’ve been working WAY TOO MUCH.  I’ve not had a second to myself, let alone for anyone else.  So much has happened since May…

First and foremost, I am alive. Just barely.. I’ve been working 80+ hours for months now.  Working on a work project that has consumed my life and not in a good way.  I gained the 10 pounds I lost last year, I am working for a woman who I can I only describe as grotesque.  Needless to say I’m looking for a new job.

Professionally I’ve exhausted myself – I’m completely burned out.  Totally spent.  I love the company I work for, I hate the person I’m working with.  I do love the other 95% of the people, but unfortunately to stay in my region I have to work with the person I’m working with. And IMO, life it just too short to work with poisonous people.  So on the hunt I go.

My personal relationships have suffered.  I have not seen most of my friends for months now…  and the ones I have seen it has felt rushed. I’m disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

Just because I’ve not written doesn’t mean I’ve not kept up with you, my favorite bloggers.  I love you GG and PG.. you both have kept me going this year.  Even though I’ve not responded to either of you, I love your posts. Thank you for sharing your life experiences with me. When I’ve needed a connection after long hours at the office, you are the first two I’ve turned to.   I’m also interested in Struggling Dad..  Anyone know what happened to him? Did he drop communication due to life’s complexities or can catch up with him on another blog site?

Regarding my main relationship, I’m in one, which is even surprising to me.  ATrain has stuck with me, has taken care of me and the girls – He is a great dad/father to the cats, and a great partner to me.  He has made more than his fair share of salads, dinners, and plans.  I’ve been an absentee partner for the most part, I’m lucky to have him, that he has been so patient with me. I tear up thinking about his kindness and generosity towards me over the last 6 months. 

For those of you that have gotten this far, I was able to purchase the house I remodeled and was living in. The ironic thing is that the girls and I now live with ATrain so I am trying to rent my home.  I’m renting it furnished. I did not have a problem renting it in August.  I’ve got 3 people interested for September. I am on the hook to show it to these folks during Labor Day Weekend.

I’m in Boston this week working and visiting with one of my best friends who stopped blogging years ago Unicorns and Rainbows. I do wish she would start blogging again – she has been doing interesting things and I’m sure her parents and I (along with you) would love to know the latest and greatest.

So, if I had to summarize  my position right now I would say that I’m feeling fat, un-confident, searching for a new path/job/lot in life, have a great support system with my boyfriend ATrain, friends C-Licious, Free Bird, Smarty Pants,  and family including Mom and Dad, AbFab, Lil’ Darlin, and my Twin. I just need to get off my ass and do something to change where I’m at, the situation I’m in. Stop complaining and DO SOMETHING.

I’ll write more and post pictures of my Santa Cruz weekend soon.

Thanks for reading.