Lots of thoughts going on in my brain… I’m struggling a bit these days… here is why.
Dating. Feeling Foolish. I just found out from a very reliable source that Italian Stallion was indeed dating others. I feel foolish for trusting him. Makes me feel gullible. Now I get why we never went out in public.. why he broke up with me when and how he did.. as I hear more about him and his antics, I realize that I was foolish and naive. Bums me out. Not that I’m upset that we are not together, I’m upset that people are no longer trust-worthy. They don’t deserve trust or the benefit of the doubt. My heart tells me that people are innocent until proven guilty. But this is just not reality – I have to assume that people are guilty until proven innocent. It’s so opposite of my personality… Makes me want to crawl into my own space and not deal with people.
Dating. ATrain. Went to the Bahamas with ATrain (more on this soon) and he suggested that we get back together. Damn straight I’m a great partner. I’m angry and frustrated that he didn’t see it before…. Can I get over the fact that he didn’t see it when we were together? Can I really start over fresh with him? It really doesn’t help that he is pouring it on thick while I’m dealing with my Italian Stallion experience (above). There are things I want, things that I shared with him, all have to do with feeling secure and stable:
- Living space. I want to live with my partner. For us, we would need at least a 3/2 and some significant change (i.e. ATrain puts everything on the countertops.. a messy countertop drives me insane… insane I tell you. I cannot focus if there is shit on the counter.).
- Security. We either get married or I have that same security through documentation. I don’t want to worry about where my next meal is coming from.
- Status. he needs to be divorced. No more excuses.
But when I think about it, really think about it, there are a few things that I want that I have not admitted to or shared out loud. If I’m going to have it all, here is what I would add to the list:
- Child. I want one. Doesn’t have to be a baby.. but a child. That I can raise. It is not about giving birth, it is about having an experience and a positive impact in this world. But is this even reasonable? I am almost 45…and I do love my sleep. I want this, but only if I have a great partner. Doing it alone is not for me.
- Work Part Time. Especially important if I have a kid. I do not want to deal with unrealistic expectations and unreasonable hours.
- Freedom. I want a partner for life. But I also want the freedom to experience others once in a while. I’m not sure that monogamy is possible… so many cheaters.. why be a cheater when you can be honest and up front with a partner? Is this possible – to make an agreement that is amenable to both parties re: sexual liaisons?
I know. These others are very big deals and difficult to discuss… I am not sure how important they are to me until I meet a partner that is worthy of having this discussion with.
Work. New Adventure. So I found a new job. I signed the employment agreement last week. I officially start in June but will be doing some work prior to starting. Ever since this happened, I am experiencing anxiety. I did so much due diligence on the company and the leadership team, I cannot imagine that this is why the anxiety has kicked in. I think that my last job really had a negative impact on me. I’m lucky I have a few months to get over whatever is going on….
Family. As you all know my family has been through a lot in the last 6 months. Things are smoothing out… AbFab is speaking with her mother again, the girls have seen their Grandma again… My twin is doing very well. The cats are healthy for now.. My parents are my parents – retired and loving it.
Not sure what else there is to share… I’m exhausted and need to go to bed. Please share your journey and/or thoughts.