Where is My Mr. Big?

happy-coupleI miss him.  I know I’ve done a lot these last few years, and maybe I have been hard to track down given all my moves, but a day doesn’t go by where I wonder where My Mr. Big is and how he is doing.  Is he happy?  Does he wonder where I am? Does he wish things had ended differently? Does he wonder if I still think about him?  For me, what we shared was the most simple and honest of all my relationships.  I understood and liked his quirks. I thought he felt the same.  If we had questions or were confused, we confronted them.  There were no elephants in our closet (like there had been in my marriage)…

Given the way he disappeared, I don’t expect to ever see him again (bummer for me as he was a good-looking man, and laying my eyes on that piece of man candy would be awesome!).  I would love to see him, if only briefly, to get a better understanding  of what he was going through, what was going on in his head when he decided to move on.  What was on the other end that was worth giving up what we shared?  I’m not  judging, I just would just like to know.  I’ve got all sorts of ideas in my head, it would be nice to put the ideas to rest and know the truth, no matter what it is.

I think of “us” now, especially as I move onto yet another phase in my life. I wonder what it would be like to have him by my side. If he would support it, steer me in a different direction…  I respected him, his experience, and his advice.  And to some degree, wonder what it would be like to have him by my side.

If anything, I don’t understand why people who loved each other so much can’t stay in contact, be friends, be supporters, be the cheerleaders we all need in our lives.  I’m not a jealous person, so I don’t get how people can choose to drop out of someone’s life … if you loved someone at one time, don’t you still love/admire those qualities about that person?

Anyway, this is a short post about missing someone who is special to me.  He taught me about love, passion, and happiness, and that all of it IS possible with a partner (vs. on your own). I know how to get there on my own, but the cats meow is when you can get all of the above WITH a partner.  Thank you Mr. Big. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, smiling, and at peace with yourself.   xoxo.

Ex Dream.

Yes, you see correcty, a dream about the EX.  Wish it was a SEX dream… but not this time folks.

It was a very clear, vivid dream.  I woke up due to a startled heart, I took a bit of time to catch my breath, but here is what I dreamt.

The EX was having a baby. Yes, he was the one giving birth.  He was experiencing all the pregnancy events – doctors visits, excitement with family and friends….   I was not included in this.  He was doing all his pregnancy/kid things with his girlfriends (yes, actual girlfriends, but I think it was more to signify friendships…. ) .  He was so excited… all a chatter, phone calls to friends, family.. etc..   The EX rarely showed any emotion of any kind the last years of your marriage so this was  a very big deal.

So, the dream.  We are in the kitchen.  The kitchen at the house we lived in (it was a great kitchen), and I shared with him that I was concerned about having a baby becuase our relationship was not on track.  You know what he said?  That he would rather have the baby than have a relationship with me.    Yep – That if he could only have one, he would pick the baby.

I woke up startled…   and you know why?  Because it was so honest.  I think that is exactly how he felt.  He wanted a family, he didn’t care who it was with.  And he certainly didn’t want to “waste time” working out our relationship challenges (small things like lack of communication, sex, and accountability)…

I don’t know what I was thinking when I went to bed – maybe about my choice to not have children at my age?  Who knows.  But the dream was raw, straight from the heart.  It was reality, the brutal honesty and communication I wished I had experienced in my marriage.