Life Is Changing.

the juggleLots of thoughts going on in my brain… I’m struggling a bit these days… here is why.

Dating.  Feeling Foolish.  I just found out from a very reliable source that Italian Stallion was indeed dating others.  I feel foolish for trusting him. Makes me feel gullible.  Now I get why we never went out in public.. why he broke up with me when and how he did.. as I hear more about him and his antics, I realize that I was foolish and naive.   Bums me out.  Not that I’m upset that we are not together, I’m upset that people are no longer trust-worthy.  They don’t deserve trust or the benefit of the doubt.  My heart tells me that people are innocent until proven guilty. But this is just not reality – I have to assume that people are guilty until proven innocent. It’s so opposite of my personality…  Makes me want to crawl into my own space and not deal with people.

Dating. ATrain.  Went to the Bahamas with ATrain (more on this soon) and he suggested that we get back together.  Damn straight I’m a great partner.  I’m angry and frustrated that he didn’t see it before….   Can I get over the fact that he didn’t see it when we were together?  Can I really start over fresh with him? It really doesn’t help that he is pouring it on thick while I’m dealing with my Italian Stallion experience (above).  There are things I want, things that I shared with him, all have to do with feeling secure and stable:

  • Living space.  I want to live with my partner.  For us, we would need at least a 3/2 and some significant change (i.e. ATrain puts everything on the countertops.. a messy countertop drives me insane… insane I tell you. I cannot focus if there is shit on the counter.).
  • Security.  We either get married or I have that same security through documentation. I don’t want to worry about where my next meal is coming from.
  • Status.  he needs to be divorced. No more excuses.

But when I think about it, really think about it, there are a few things that I want that I have not admitted to or shared out loud. If I’m going to have it all, here is what I would add to the list:

  • Child. I want one. Doesn’t have to be a baby.. but a child. That I can raise. It is not about giving birth, it is about having an experience and a positive impact in this world. But is this even reasonable? I am almost 45…and I do love my sleep. I want this, but only if I have a great partner. Doing it alone is not for me.
  • Work Part Time. Especially important if I have a kid. I do not want to deal with unrealistic expectations and unreasonable hours.
  • Freedom. I want a partner for life. But I also want the freedom to experience others once in a while. I’m not sure that monogamy is possible…  so many cheaters.. why be a cheater when you can be honest and up front with a partner?  Is this possible – to make an agreement that is amenable to both parties re: sexual liaisons?

I know. These others are very big deals and difficult to discuss…  I am not sure how important they are to me until I meet a partner that is worthy of having this discussion with.

Work.  New Adventure.  So I found a new job.  I signed the employment agreement last week.  I officially start in June but will be doing some work prior to starting.  Ever since this happened, I am experiencing anxiety.  I did so much due diligence on the company and the leadership team, I cannot imagine that this is why the anxiety has kicked in. I think that my last job really had a negative impact on me. I’m lucky I have a few months to get over whatever is going on….

Family.  As you all know my family has been through a lot in the last 6 months.  Things are smoothing out… AbFab is speaking with her mother again, the girls have seen their Grandma again…  My twin is doing very well. The cats are healthy for now..  My parents are my parents – retired and loving it.

Not sure what else there is to share… I’m exhausted and need to go to bed. Please share your journey and/or thoughts.

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One thought on “Life Is Changing.

  1. Herald Spain April 15, 2016 / 6:40 pm

    Well Paula that is a tall order to say the least. Maybe you should have called this the kitchen sink?

    First things first, the donky from Genoia was a mistake clearly. My guess he has a charming smile and personality. He would need such a disguise to hide the truly toxic person he carries around inside.

    Discovering real motives of people can take years, sometimes life times, you learned in three months and mostly over the course of coffee. Just keep the experience in a back pocket when it comes to your next dating experience.

    A-train, well that’s a trail you have take before. So he is pushing hard for you, what made him “realize” that you are worth it? If it is because he has had a come to Jesus (Buda, Alah….) momen? If so there is a chance for that path. If it is out of fear or loosing you to someone else or fear death, being alone, excetera. That is concerning. Once that fear is removed he is likely to take you for granted, or not try so hard and return to the form that you found difficult to be with.

    That said your concern over financial stability with a partner is logical if not terribly romantic. Being void of the worry over money may allow you to enjoy a relationship without a dark cloud looming on the horizon. If you choose to take A-train up of his offer then you need to spell out your needs in no uncertain terms, and shortly after you make that choice.

    As for having your chance to see others is a very very tall order. There are few people, outside of the movies or novels that have got that to work. The other choice is to sneak around and have affairs. This choice never ends well and offer leaves the one straying feeling hollow, broken and guilt ridden. Hardly win-win.

    A child, they are the black hole of life. I have kids and love them madly but having a dinner at a place that did not have another meneu that came with crayons disappeared for about seven years.

    I also said goodby to ever drop of spare time I had. Not to mention sleep and or rest. Either you are waking up so you can wake the child or being woken up because they are up and want attention.

    I say this not to scare you but a child changes everything down to the atomic level. It changes the formula for life and how the world interacts with you. Think like this, one day you we’re a cat living in a comfortable home,next you the lioness of the savan with a cub. That is a metamorphosis.

    Returning to work is a good thing. The interaction of adults working toward a goal is part of the we as a sociaty define itself. Rightly or wrongly. The departure from your last job was dramatic to say the least. Not all jobs are like that, thank god! They want you and you want to be there. Go in knowing that and don’t stress.

    You had a lot of items on this list. May the road rise to meet you and be well.

    H.S.

    Like

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