New Year

A Warm Welcome to 2015!

PaulasPonderings7 Comments

2015-in waterI’m super excited about 2015.  I started working on having a good 2015 in September.  2014 and 2013 were bad years for me.  I gave up on 2014 being a good year something in July and began focusing on 2015.  2013 and 2014 were almost worst than the year I got separated/divorced.  Different struggles but equally if not more difficult.   Ugghhh, so glad that 2014 is over.

Anyway, enough about the bad times, I’m off to a great start to have another Year of the Paula (like 2010-2012).  Like I mentioned, I started in September – I stopped waiting for my managers to recognize my work and took action. I found a new job, better title and pay.  So far its been great. The company culture feels more like home to me.  Because my paycheck is larger, I was able to refinance my home.   Now I’m starting 2015 more financially secure than I’ve been in a couple of years and its feels wonderful.  There is more to do, but I feel confident I can make it happen.  With that, here are my goals for this year:

  1. Get Body Confident.  I’m tired of feeling fat, letting my fat get in the way of doing what I want, getting what I deserve.  I’ve spent so many years, since 2006, feeling bad about my weight, feeling bad about myself, losing confidence in myself year after year.  This year no more.  I will lose the weight and get comfortable about where I end up.  So, what does this mean?
    • Lose weight. I’m 132 – that is about 20 pounds overweight for my 5’2″ frame.   I was 100 pounds for most of my adult life, I got married at 30-something at 112 pounds.  It’s time I get back to the weight I’m comfortable with at OR shut up about it.
    • Exercise more.  I need to get more active.  I stopped working out regularly about 2 years ago, when I was working with Man Hands down at Cisco. I’ve never really gotten back into it.  This is the year. I’ve committed to working out 2 nights a week – I joined a yoga studio and signed up for a belly dancing class.  I will try these classes for 3 months and figure out what I want to do next.
    • Address my stomach issues.  I have, for many years, had significant stomach issues.  I used to wake up sick in the mornings, so sick that drinking water would  have me dry heaving in the shower.  In 2014 I went to see a nutritionist and fixed this problem (thank god!) but I still have significant “flare ups” with my stomach and intestines.  I am going to address this once and for all.  I am starting 2015 with a diet change – I’m going Paleo.  And I’m going back to the nutritionist.   I was inspired by Danielle Walkers story (AgainstAllGrain) – and now I’m ready to take back my life.
  2. Take Charge of my Career.  I’m doing it – I’ve met more with my manager in the last 3 months than I did my entire tenure at my last job.  Why?  Because I thought my managers would recognize the great work I was doing. Did they? No.  And when I asked for what I deserved, we were on very different pages.  Didn’t bode well for either of us.  So I’m not going to let that happen again.  My goal is to have a meeting with my manager 1x a month to discuss my career, my progress, and set myself up for promotions and an executive position.  I am a great worker, a good leader, and highly qualified. With my manager’s guidance I am going to do very well.
  3. Me.  I need to work on me.  I have a few issues that I want to deal with – I didn’t recognize it until I sat down with ATrain and really discussed our relationship – where we are, where we want to be, where I WANT to be.  Two issues in current relationship are the same ones I had in my marriage, and I am the common link there.  Me.  What I have today is similar in some respects to what I had in my marriage.  I’m with someone who has integrity (my EX did not) so the conversations are much more real, more open, honest, and revealing.  So I will seek out a counselor this year and work through some bad habits and become more aware of what I want, what I need, and the changes I need to make- mental and behavior – to get what I want.

I think that is it.  It is a lot but I’m ready for it.  I need a change, I need my life to be different, and I’m in charge of making this happen.

I loved 2010 and 2011 and 2012.  They were GREAT years for me for the most part.  I want more of these kind of years.  And to get more of these years, I need to know myself better, treat myself better, and give myself permission to have it all!

I wish you all a great 2015 – may all your dreams and aspirations be realized.

For The Love Of Wine

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

i-enjoy-a-glass-of-wine-each-night-for-its-health-benefits-the-other-glasses-are-for-my-witty-comebacks-and-flawless-dance-movesI know, its been forever since I’ve posted, and all I have for you is a few short sentences about how much I love wine. Well, it is what it is.

I love wine. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it makes me feel (happy and warm inside), I love drinking it by myself why relaxing at home, I love drinking it with my friends.  Wine is such a great beverage.  It really should be in the Guinness book of world records as the best drink EVER.

Anyway, 2014 has not yet turned out to be the “Year of the Paula” like I was hoping/expecting.  The good news is that I’ve not lost sight of the vision I have for myself, so slowly, I’m working towards making it that way…  I WILL NOT LEAVE 2014 the same way I came into it.  Something will change, for the better, and it will be significant/substantial.  I’m just not quite sure what the change will be…  will I get a new job? Will I come into some money? Will I have my yacht body?  All great questions…  we shall see.

Entering 2012 With A Bang.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Happy New Year Everyone! 

I wanted to give a quick update.  My holiday weekend was WONDERFUL.  A-Train is amazing.  We had the best time together… 

A-Train and I drove up to Napa early Friday afternoon. Spent 2 glorious days in Yountville, CA.  Stayed at the Bardessono Resort & Spa (unbelievable – one of the nicest places I have ever stayed), had dinner with his son and his son’s girlfriend on Friday, spent time together on Saturday (went rollerblading thru wine country), drove home on Sunday.  It was an incredible weekend – spectacular company, delicious food, amazing scenery, fantastic bike rides.  We obviously couldn’t get enough of each other because we ended up spending Sunday and Monday together as well.  Our weekend ended this morning….. 😉

I am so happy that I let go of the past, got over the age/looks reservation, because honestly, I would have missed out on this opportunity.  Even though there is a 20 year age difference, A-Train and I have a lot in common:

  • We have kids relatively the same age – his son is 24, my AbFab is 22
  • We have the same moral compass – respect others, respect ourselves, honest to the bone, transparent
  • We are both nurturers
  • We are both hilarious and make each other laugh
  • We can have deep conversations about politics, religion, and the world at large

What more could any woman ask for?  A man who cares, that can show he cares, is nice to everyone around him, is witty and intelligent,  makes me laugh so hard my belly aches, , and is an expert bike rider? 

I know, I know, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s fresh.  But thinking about him makes me smile, and I WANT to spend more time with him.  AND he wants to spend more time with me.  The more time we spend together, the fewer reservations I have.  For now, I will bask in the glow of a fabulous weekend with a wonderful person and leave it at that.  I will spend as much time with him as I can before I leave for Florida next week… as a matter of fact, he is picking me up in 30 minutes and we are going to run errands and have dinner.  So domestic, I love it!

I have also made up my mind on my New Year’s Resolutions… I will get them out and make them “official” by weeks end. 

Lastly, I promise to write a post about A-Train – how we met (CLicious introduced us while we were Happy Houring it at our favorite restaurant/bar), when we met (early November), his nicknames for me (“sunshine” and “my little treasure”), and what I’ve learned both about him and myself thru this new adventure.

Napa For New Years.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

As requested by one of my favorite readers, a much lighter post …

I’m headed to Napa for New Years with my new man, the older gentleman, which will forever be known as A-Train (named by CLicious and her husband).  We have been spending a lot of time together lately, and you know what? I’m having a great time!  I’ve decided that I don’t care how odd we might look to others, I’m going to enjoy the man I’m with.   He is kind, generous, empathetic, hilarious, and sweet as can be to me.  And today he is taking me to one of my favorite little towns in Napa, where we will enjoy each other’s company while tasting wine, eating great food,  testing out our rollerblading skills, and of course a lot of bicycle riding!

So, all in all I’m going to have one fabulous weekend…  I wish you all the same!

My OCD Has Kicked In.

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

Sometimes I get a bit Obsessive Compulsive.  I cannot believe it, but with all I have going on with work, with family and friends, and the holidays, thoughts of My Mr. Big keep coming back to me.  Where is he?  What is he doing? Is he happy? Not happy?  Is he thinking about me, about us, what we shared? 

I have spent the year holding back with new men… not wanting to get in too deep just in case My Mr. Big came back.   I now know I’ve been wasting my time (or maybe not, its made me pick a higher caliber of men EXCEPT for Chicken Legs.. another story coming soon), but it seems to have put me in obsessive mode.  I’ve not seen or heard from this man since April.  He has disconnected his phone, let his email expire…  he has not reach out. He has not tried to contact me NOR has he left me any avenues to do so.  Yet, I still think of him.. a lot.. too much in all honesty.  I loved what we shared, it was exactly what I want in a relationship.  But it obviously won’t work, he’s not interested. So why have I NOT moved on, found that “magic” with someone else?

Because that “magic” is so hard to find.  Sometimes it falls in your lap….   but it cannot be forcibly created.  It’s just happens, just shows up, just there…  that extra something between two people who just is.  One of my favorite bloggers, ThatPrecariousGait,  just wrote a great post on the New Normal.  I loved her insight on life, love, and moving on after  divorce.  After reading her post, I realized that my new normal, the one I enjoyed so much, was the life I shared with My Mr. Big.  I loved that life…  It’s like my favorite job.  I miss it, I want it back…

But alas, I am keenly aware that I now need a “new new normal”…  not one where I just live, waiting, hoping, that My Mr. Big comes back…  Its going to require me to get involved, to jump in to the pool of life, and get busy living.  This screams of a New Years Resolution.. I’ll keep you posted.