How I Became the Ex (Narcissist Discard)

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

This is where the nightmare begins..

I met a man we will call Trash while on vacation in Puerto Penasco/Rocky Point Mexico in April of 2021. We hit it off. We started seeing each other long distance — two weeks on, two weeks off. Every two weeks we would see each other either in my home in Salt Lake City (SLC) Utah, or at his condo in Puerto Penasco. We did this from May to December 2021.

In August/September timeframe, things were going so well, we talked about selling one of my rental properties and purchasing a property closer to Mexico (reduce travel)…  So in September, I sold my Duplex and purchased a nice home in Chandler Arizona via a 1031 Exchange. I would use it mostly as an airBnB, but planned to also use it personally — to be closer to Trash and Mexico, reduce some of the travel time.

After this purchase, Trash asked me to move in with him in Mexico. I had a job where this was possible (remote work is the best!)… and I was thrilled things were going so well between us.

So in November, I started the process of turning my beloved SLC house into a short-term rental (STR). I chose to go with Evolve.com as my marketing and scheduling service and hired a property manager.

In December 2021, I packed up my RV and drove down to Puerto Penasco with my two cats Sophie and Zoey. We arrived on Dec. 23rd 2021, the day before Trash’s birthday.

We lived together in his house in Mexico… when we needed to go to the United States, we would stay at the Chandler house. Usually only a few days in-between rentals. It was a nice life. The only challenge at the time is that his 13 year old teen son was living with us.. It was a tough time for Trash and his son…. but because I had been through a similar situation with my niece, I felt that I was the perfect person for him, I understood the challenges and could be there for him.

His son left May 25th 2022.  A few days later, we went to “our” restaurant and had our 90 day review (more on this later)…  We agreed that things had been tough (having his son living with us was VERY challenging – he ran away, in MX, 4 times!!)..  Even with the challenges, we decided we wanted to continue forward and be together.  WE decided that we would not be spending time in SLC for the summer as we had originally anticipated.  So together, WE made the decision to sell my SLC house.  It took about a week to get it listed, and within 48 hours I had two over-asking offers. I accepted one… and WE made the plan to spend 8 weeks packing my shit up and move it to Mexico, where we would live full-time. We left Mexico in his truck, with all the pets, and headed North. We stopped in Kanab, UT for the week of June 20th to fix some things at one of my other rental properties.

Again, we were supposed to be together for the entire 8 weeks. But while in Kanab, he said he just got a big project in MX and that he needed to return to MX to get started.  I support him and his work, I had no reason to believe this was not the truth.  So we made the decision to divide and conquer  — on June 25th, He drove back to MX by himself and I rented a car and drove myself and all the pets to SLC to begin packing/moving.

Throughout June, July, and August we were still talking, texting.  We put a plan in place for him to come back out the end of July and help me move. Originally I thought he was going to drive with me from SLC to Mexico, but no.. he said another big project came up. He left SLC on August. 2nd. It was not a great visit — he was purposely picking fights about stupid stuff (more on this later)…. BUT we were still have sexy time, he bought a car for me to drive while in MX (Audi Q7 — future story), he took $2800 from me for the MX house kitchen remodel (future story).

We were to reunite on Aug. 17th 2022 in Chandler AZ. He had made plans for us to go to the baseball game with his sons…. I had taken time off of work for it.. Sometime around August 10th-14th he told me the plan was no longer in place, that he had a lot of work to do. He would see me on August 23rd.  I was crushed.. Here I had been packing up and moving to be with him, and I felt like I was the only one making “us” a priority.  My best friend flew out from Reno to help me unpack and deal with this very uncertain time.

So Trash finally shows up on Aug. 23rd 2022. He walks into the house, take a call with CPS (dealing with the youngest child’s antics), we cleaned out the garage, unloaded my stuff from the trailer, etc..). you know, together stuff. We talked while I made dinner…. He asked to see my phone while I was making dinner… I let him. He’s my boyfriend, I trusted him, he can see whatever he wants on my phone. Well, while he had my phone, he transferred my phone line to his Verizon plan. I did not authorize this…. and this did come to bite me in the arse. I was able to remedy the situation: How I Got My Phone Number Back from My Ex.

Anyway, on this very night, as I was cleaning the dishes and I thought getting ready for bed, out of the blue he tells me that he is going to spend the night on his ex-wife’s couch because his “son needed him”. I called bullshit on this … I asked him what was going on, to be honest with me.  He reiterated his son needed him.  All other times his son needed him, the son(s) came to the house.  I asked why his son didn’t just come to the house.  He said his son wasn’t comfortable at the house.  This was strange to me as his kids just spent time at the house in July (story coming soon).  He left.  He called me from the car and reassured me that I had nothing to worry about.

Of course I cried.  I was so sad!  But my gut told me that something was not  right. I didn’t know what was going on… . I spend the night doing some digging, and a lot was not as he said. I caught him in lie after lie …. he still wouldn’t admit it, even when I had factual evidence/proof.

What did I find out?

  • That he didn’t borrow a friends car
  • That he didn’t have any projects in Mexico the entire summer
  • The entire time I was out of town he was telling everyone that we had broken up and was flaunting a new girl all over town. He met this “just a friend” on June 10th at a concert that I WAS AT WITH HIM, 10 days before we left for our 8 week “move” from SLC to Mexico.
  • He blocked off the Chandler house all of July and was hosting singles parties at the house.
  • He had a new girlfriend and was now living with her.

Trash had been living a double life — With me, on the phone, we were very much together — I was receiving texts, calls, etc about his work activities and how excited he was for my return.. In Mexico he was living a new life with his new girlfriend Laura.…. It was beyond heartbreaking to learn of all this after everything I had just done — changed my life to be with this man, only to learn I had literally been replaced while I was away.

Everyday since Aug. 25th I have awakened to some threat or action on his part to hurt, harass, stalk, and destroy me. I will tell each story, as they unfolded chronologically and with evidence.

If anyone else has been through this, I welcome words of wisdom or references…. not just for myself, but for others that may also be going through this.

The Eviction Process

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

Evicting an Ex from your property is not easy.

All of this started August 24th 2022.

When I confirmed Trash’s lies, I cut him off. He was living with his new girlfriend in Gilbert. He met her on June 10th at a concert. He started seeing her BEFORE we left Mexico on June 20th. He spend all summer with her, had her stay at MY HOUSE in Chandler while I was moving from SLC to live with him.  Details are in my first post here:  How I Became the Ex.

I told him I wanted no contact. I blocked him from social media, email, messaging, etc. I told him to leave me alone — to not speak to me or or come near me again. There was nothing to discuss, period.

I own a home in Chandler. I purchased it originally as a short term rental in October of 2021. But now that I no longer have my primary residence in SLC (sold in July 2022), and obviously I was NOT going to be living with Trash in Mexico…. I had no other choice but to make the Chandler house my primary residence.

Anyway, as I stated above, I told Trash to NOT come by the house. Well, he didn’t listen. He decided it was his house too (after all, he hung up lights and worked on the property so it was as much his as it was mine). Because of this, he felt that he could walk into the home whenever he wanted to.  He did this 3 times.  I was not going to be terrorized by this lying, cheating coward. On Sept. 6th 2022,  I hired a locksmith and paid $536 to have all the locks replaced, the ring doorbell and front door lock replaced, and the garage code changed.

But he somehow he still got in (I know now that he had a garage clicker that let him in the garage, then he broke down the door between the garage and the house.) He mocked me on WhatsApp.  You can see the WhatsApp conversation in the story Retaliation is Real - Home Invasion #1.  Basically he told me that:

  • he was in the home
  • that he wasn’t going to leave until I came home and we talked
  • that I couldn’t kick him out because he had a lease

I called the police to have him arrested for trespassing. When the police came to the house he wasn’t there. The police called him…. he said he had a lease and had every right to be at the home (future story).  The police told me that there was nothing they could do at this time, and the only way to get rid of an Ex that won’t go away is to go through the eviction process and file an order of protection. Chandler Police report 22–103692 filed on Sept. 7th 2022.

So that is exactly what I did. I hired a lawyer on Sept. 8th 2022.  Given that Trash had brought up the lease as a reason to stay, the strategy was to use his reasoning/logic against him.  If he had a lease, then he owed rent, and he could be evicted based on the non-payment of rent. It took almost 6 weeks to get this done.  Here are the dates:

  • Sept 8th 2022: I began the eviction process. First Trash had to be served, then once served, he was given a 10 day grace period to respond.
  • Sept 29th 2022: First court hearing was scheduled for this date. Trash appealed and a hearing date was set for the following week, Oct. 6th 2022.
  • Oct 6th 2022: The judge decided in my favor — the house is mine, the lease was legally binding — Trash was to pay up if he wanted to stay.  Trash chose not to pay. Legally he had 5 days to get his things out of the house.   He only took a few of his things and stole all of my things (They Steal What You Love — Part 1 & Part 2 coming soon) .
  • Monday Oct. 17th 2022: The day the writ was served at the house. I met the constable and locksmith at the house. Notices were hung. Locks were changed. And that is the end of that.

Trash is no longer allowed at or near the property. If he shows up for any reason, he will be arrested for Trespassing. You can read more about the process here: https://justicecourts.maricopa.gov/case-types/evictions.

Another advantage of hiring a lawyer is that I am now able to go no-contact with Trash. Meaning any/all contact Trash wants to have with me must go through my lawyer. My lawyer is a godsend and I am forever grateful to him for his support through all of this.

Now the eviction and writ only protects the house, and me WHEN I’m in the house.  By this time, he had:

It was now time to protect myself from this person. So on Oct. 18th I began the process of getting an order of protection against him — He of course contested it. So the court date for this hearing is this week, Thursday Oct. 27th. Once I am granted the order of protection, he has to stay away from me — ZERO CONTACT — for two years. If he defies this order, he will go to jail.

This man — who cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me, who has been told dozens of times to not contact me, just will just not stop…. Makes zero sense to me.

I’m learning so much through this process, here are a few lessons from today’s story:

  1. Don’t date a narcissistic sociopath.
  2. Always always always arm yourself with cameras — ring doorbell, cameras (Arlo, Blink, whatever). They can be used as evidence in court.
  3. Always get a police report for every incident — you will need proof that you are trying to protect yourself. Otherwise it is his word against yours.
  4. No matter how much you love someone, do NOT, under any circumstances, let them move their furniture in or put any utility bill in their name. Better yet, never cohabitate with anyone — if they are a narcissist — they know the system and will make it extremely difficult to rid yourself of them.

How I Got My Phone Number Back from My Ex

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

He transferred my phone to his plan to maintain/gain control.

So people keep asking me how did Trash get my phone number transferred to his phone plan…. This is a wild story so buckle up buttercups.

When I finally saw Trash on August 23rd 2022 — first time since he helped me move in late July (future story), I was making dinner and he asked to see my phone. Of course I have nothing to hide, so I gave him my phone.

What did he do with the phone? He transferred my phone number to his plan. He had set it up prior to this day — so all he had to do was send a text message to my phone from his Verizon account/plan to approve the transfer. While he had my phone in his hands, he clicked the link he received in Messages to accept/approve the transfer. And voilà, he now had control of my phone number. 

Fast Forward to Sept. 13th 2022.  When I would not speak with Trash — there was nothing to say — he had cheated, lied about it, stolen from me, and basically deceived me for months … I did not believe he was capable of speaking the truth, so there was no reason to speak with him at all. This frustrated him.. and he eventually cut off my service after he broke into my Mexico Condo on Sept. 13th 2022 (Retaliation Is Real – Home Invasion #2).

Tony cuts my phone off - whatsapp - sept 13 2022

I called Verizon. They told me that my number could not be transferred back to my original Verizon account without Trash’s permission.  And of course Trash did NOT make me an authorized user on his plan/account.   I was beside myself with anxiety…. For those of us that work in tech, this means I now had zero access to any company software systems and I was unable to access any system that used my phone number for 2-factor authentication. This was no bueno.

As you know, I filed a police report with the Mexican authorities, Police report # 1995699, for the break-in.  I was searching the internet for answers and came across this article.  Using this information, I called Verizon and asked them what evidence they needed to perform the line transfer.   I was able to use the Mexico Police Report and the Ring Doorbell recordings as evidence to  do a Verizon Domestic Violence Transfer of my phone number from Trash’s plan back to my own account. 

The process took way longer than it should have and the Verizon folks on this team could certainly have shown more care/concern/sense of urgency about the situation. After emailing them for weeks with little to no response ,I finally ended up going into a Verizon retail store in Casa Grande (a 3 1/2 hour drive each way) to give them a physical copy of the police report (despite having emailed it to them many times) and share the ring doorbell recordings. Once they had this evidence, Verizon took action and I was able to renew my old account and transfer my number back into it.  HUGE shout out to Sarah, I will never forget her knowledge and kindness.

This is a great program and I’d love to share more about it, but I have not been able to find anything about online. If any of you find resources, please put them in the comments so others may benefit from the information.

So that is how I lost my phone number and was able to successfully get it back.

Lesson learned for me —

  • I will never depend on or share a plan with anyone, ever. I will always have my own account. 
  • I will never ever ever ever ever ever hand my phone over so freely ever again. I know a lot of people who have an open phone/sharing policy with your spouse or significant other. Never again for me.  If a partner has a question about something or wants to see something on my phone, I will show it to them. 

Ending Narcissistic Abuse Using The Court System

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Narcs will do just about anything to stay in contact. Best solution is to go no-contact and move on.

I asked him to never contact me again. I blocked him on every platform (WhatsApp, Text message, Email, Facebook, Snapchat, etc). Instead of just moving on with his life with his new Girlfriend Laura, He:

  • September 7th 2022:  Broke into my AZ home and refused to leave (Police Report #22–103692). Story here: Retaliation Is Real – Home Invasion #1
  • September 13th 2022:  Broke into my MX condo on Sept. 13th and damaged the property (copy of Police Report #1995699 provided to the court).
  • September 2022:  I had to use police reports and Ring doorbell recordings (above) to get Verizon to return my phone number to me.  Story here:  How I Got My Phone Number Back from My Ex
  • October 17th 2022: Had to be evicted from my Chandler AZ home.  Story here: The Eviction Process
  • October 21st – November 9th 2022:  I filed for an Order of Protection on October 21st 2022. Of course he appealed it. We originally had court scheduled on October 27th. however, the judge, for whatever reason, recused himself, and the hearing is now on Wednesday, Nov. 9th 2022.  Order of protection was upheld – story here:  Order of Protection Was Upheld
  • The items he stole from my Chandler AZ home:
  • His DirectTV fraud — using my phone number and address to set up accounts. In addition, he created fake email addresses in my likeness (i.e. paula.ponderings1@gmail.com vs the real email address of paulasponderings@gmail.com).
  • The credit card fraud  on two cards—
  • All of the WhatsApp conversations of him harassing me AFTER I asked him to leave me alone (coming soon!)

I’ve never had to work with the police before so everything is so new to me. I’m lucky I have an amazing Arizona attorney helping me through the process.

What I’ve learned:

  • Narcissists will never take accountability for their actions. It’s always someone else’s fault. In this case — mine.
  • When dealing with an aggressive Narcissist, hire a lawyer immediately — this may very well save your life.
  • Always always always go no contact. Nothing they have to say is true or warrants any of your attention — as my lawyer says, “If his lips are moving, he is lying”..

Please take care of yourself out there. I had no idea these kinds of people existed.. I’m learning the hard way. Educate yourself on narcissism and their behaviors…. it will help you spot one earlier in the dating cycle and could save your life and your sanity.

Order of Protection Was Upheld

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Stopping narcissistic abuse/retaliation is hard work.

OrderofProtection

So Trash appealed the order of protection. The court hearing was yesterday, Nov. 9th. The judge heard the case and upheld the order of protection. This means two things:

  1. Trash is required by law to have no-contact  with me— this means no calls, no texts, no email, not to reach out on any social media accounts, and finally, to NOT be anywhere near me for the next two years. This is a win for me as I can stop living in fear that I will run into him because he is stalking me.
  2. That I brought the right evidence to court and was able to prove all of my claims:

OOP - Reasons trash

During the hearing, the judge warned Trash that whatever he said during this hearing could be used against him in the pending criminal and civil cases. Trash decided to testify anyway…. Trash lied in court, directly to the judge…. The judge called him out on it many times, he was not amused by any of Trash’s antics.  I will be receiving a recording and a paper transcript of the hearing and using his words against him in the other criminal/civil matters.

Because he appealed the original Order of Protection, and we were forced to have this hearing, he is now required to pay court costs and attorneys fees, which is $3,932.50. Ha!

What I learned during this process:

  • Always keep records (dates, times, etc) of harassment and theft. Excellent record keeping will give you a lot of credibility with the courts.
  • Pictures and videos are the best evidence. Get yourself some cameras and a doorbell that records voice and motion.
  • Take pictures of everything. The pictures I took after entering the home on Oct. 17th were used as evidence in court. Judge asked TD if he broke the door — TD of course said no…. Judge did not believe him and said so directly to him.

Now, we all know that this does not mean I’m truly protected (we’ve all seen enough episodes of Forensic Files or Law And Order to know this). I will still have to call 911 if he shows up, but with the order of protection (OOP) in place, it means he can be arrested and/or go to jail.

There is a lot more work to be done. Next up on my plate is to finalize all the fraudulent credit card charges and add the information to the existing police report. I have no control over this case — the AZ Attorney General will determine if they will prosecute him for this fraud.

I hope these postings are helping others out there – see the light earlier – as to avoid going through all of this as the process is not easy. Best to see the red flags in the beginning and get out as soon as you can. I encourage you to join Narcissist TikTok or read the many great articles on on Medium to learn more about the red flags/warning signs.

Last but not least, and I am and will forever be grateful for having the funds to be able to hire an attorney and a manager that gives me time off work to handle these matters. I am grateful for my attorney and my manager for their continued support.

Do NOT mingle finances with anyone. You will regret it.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

My fight to financially untangle myself from my Ex.

In February 2022 I purchased a condo in Mexico. Trash and I were to go in on it 50/50.  Purchase price was $250,000.  AT the ver last minute, the day before we were to close, Trash told me that he didn’t want to sell his stock (which is where he said he was getting his half of the purchase). He sad he would pay me back when the market improved, SO I paid for the condo myself — 100%. I got the money for this purchase by refinancing my house in Salt Lake City Utah. I was fortunate to pay all cash for the condo.

Because of the anti-laundering laws in Mexico, they would not let me wire the money from my Bank of America account because According to Mexico laws, any account that has the words “living trust” or “trustee” in it is not considered a personal checking account. Here are the emails I received the day before closing.

Email #1 from Closing Coordinator

Email #2 from Closing Coordinator

So the end result of this email exchange is that the Mexico title company could not accept the money from my account. And we were closing the very next day — Feb. 25th 2022.  Given that we needed a quick solution — I transferred the total amount required to close Trash’s Bank of America account and he wired it to the title company.

What I did not do, and the biggest mistake of my life thus far, is remove Trash’s name from the Private Contract. I didn’t think to do this because he said he would pay me back. Big Mistake.

Now Trash is trying to take the condo from me — saying it’s 50% his since his name is on the Private Contract and is demanding that I pay him 1/2 — which would be approximately $150,000. It’s a big mess that I am trying to work out here in Mexico right now. Lawyers in Mexico are not cheap…. but what else can I do?

He continues to tell people that it is HIS condo and that I am stealing it from him. He’s waving around a piece of paper that says he paid for the condo and I’m squatting.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

I purchased the condo.  I wanted a place for my parents to stay when they come out to visit me in the winter (they live in Pennsylvania). Outside of this, we would use it as a short term rental.

Facts are:

  • I transferred all the closing money, a total of $255,395.24 from my Bank of America account to Trash’s Bank of America on Feb. 25, 2022.
  • I also paid for the earnest money deposit of $5,000.  So I paid a total of totaling $260,395.24
  • I paid for any/all repairs or improvements.  All charges were put on a credit card THAT I PAID FOR.
  • I never saw a dime of the short term rental proceeds.  As I understand it now, he has grossed over $16,000 between March — August 2022.
  • I moved into the condo early September 2022 when I moved out of Trash’s house in MX. Our shared house that HE stayed in with his new girlfriend.  Told me she was an “old friend” and that I had met her before (more on this later)..

So now I have two attorneys — one in the US and one in MX to fight for what is mine.

Lessons learned:

  • never ever ever mix finances with anyone, let alone a narcissist. They believe what is yours is theirs.. and will fight for it.
  • They will steal from you and not feel bad about it at all. They have zero integrity or any moral compass….
  • They will never do the right thing — in their mind it is all about them and what is owed to them.

At the end of the day, I am spending a lot of money on lawyers and a lot of time fighting for what is rightfully mine. This lesson is the hardest lesson I’m learning and the hardest battle I’m fighting to date. So save yourself the headache and heartache— never ever mix finances with an ex, let alone a Narcissist.

I met the ex girlfriend — she is NOT crazy; she is absolutely lovely

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

What I learned — and how it is helping me heal.

So how did it happen? I reached out to her.

Why would I do such a thing? Let me tell you.

So after Trash was evicted (story here), AZ law gives him 14 days to “make reasonable effort” to make arrangements to get his things. He had 14 days from the day after the writ was served — 10/17/22. So October 31st was his last day to make contact. He never contacted my AZ attorney, so I got the green light from my Lawyer to get rid of the stuff he left behind.

While I was making arrangements, a friend told me that the furniture Trash had convinced me to put in the house was not his; he had stolen it from his ex-girlfriend, Lola. I was mortified. Upon learning this, I reached out to Lola — shared with her what was going on, and let her know that I wanted to return her things to her. She responded, and we agreed to meet at my house.

To say I was nervous is an understatement. I had so much anxiety about it I took a Xanax. Trash had told me so many horrible things about her — how she wanted him back, she was stalking him, she was sending nude photos of herself to him when we were together. He said it was so bad he had to block her.

Well, as you all can guess, none of this was true. The truth is:

  • He never blocked her; they have always been in communication
  • She was not stalking Trash; Trash was stringing her along; breadcrumbing her. He told her that I was just a “business transaction” and alluded that they would get back together
  • Yes she sent pictures to him, of her in her swimsuit (she has great boobs).. because she thought they were getting back together
  • She is a lovely woman who also had her heart broken by this monster

So the truth is, while Trash and I were doing the two-week on, two-week off time between May and December of 2021, He was stringing her along. I saw all the texts. She continued to ask him if he had a girlfriend … he insists that he was single — The very same thing he did to me after I arrived in Chandler, when questioning him about Laura, his new supply/girlfriend. I went from feeling scared to feeling compassion and empathy for this woman. She has been through so much, she is still hurting, just like me, for being so actively deceived. She has been traumatized. AND she still agreed to meet with me.

I also found out that in the early morning hours of January 8, 2022, mere weeks after I arrived in Mexico to live with him (Dec. 23rd 2021), she had made arrangements to pick up her things from Trash’s MX Mirador townhouse. She showed up early to avoid seeing him. Like 6 am early. She got up early to get her stuff before going fishing. Trash showed up and attacked her — pressured her to have sex with him.  So while I am laying in his bed, in the MX Costa Diamante house that I now called home, he got up early to harass, intimidate, and attack Lola. She showed me pictures of her bruises and the text exchange between them. He’s a disgusting human being for treating anyone like this.

Anywhoo, she came over to my house. We identified the furniture that was hers. She does not have a place to store it, so we agreed I would list it for sale and give her the money. Of course the sold price is a fraction of what she originally paid for it….. but at least it’s something. It breaks my heart to know how devastated she must have felt when she found out he stole a house full of her furniture and put it in his new girlfriends house.

She didn’t/doesn’t blame me. She treated me with nothing but kindness. Extreme kindness. She knows that I do not know anyone in Chandler, so she invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with her. How NICE is that? But wait, there is more. She told her friends about me, and her friends reached out to me and we all met up. I now have 3 girlfriends in Chandler — the ex Lola, and her two besties Bambi and Vexatious.

So who would have thunk it, that reaching out to do the right thing would lead to new friendships.

What I’ve learned:

  • Trash was not truthful with me. Nothing that comes out of his mouth was or is true — I have receipts for everything. He continues to state untruths but has zero receipts. as my AZ attorney says, “if his lips are moving, he is lying”.
  • Trash is not a genuine person. He never cared for me — everything he presented about himself to me was a facade. He was a fake, a fraud.

When I’m ready to date again, I’m going to do things differently:

  • I will ALWAYS do a background check on the potential mate. The cost is well worth it. I purchased a truthfinder.com on Trash and the results were shocking. 4 evictions, email addresses associated to sex websites, multiple altercations with the law, etc. Crazy shit. Had I seen this report sooner, I would never have dated him. You can see Trash’s Truthfinder Report here.
  • I no longer believe in “crazy ex’s”. I will ALWAYS request to speak with the ex. If he is a good man and treated his lady with respect, then this should not be an issue. I know that my ex prior to Trash would happily talk to a potential partner on my behalf.

I do hope someday that karma does pay Trash a visit. For now, I will keep moving forward to heal my heart. Knowing that I never meant anything to him really hurts. But it is also helping me heal — the person that Trash presented to me never existed, the relationship I thought we had was never real.

I am forever grateful to Lola for agreeing to meet with me, for being so kind to me, and bringing the receipts I need to validate what was truly going on during our relationship.

Retaliation is Real - Home Invasion #1

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

The first break-in: Chandler AZ house — Sept. 7 2022

Police at my house in Chandler AZ on Sept. 7th 2022

Trash and I broke up on August 24th when I found out he was living with his new girlfriend (How I Became the Ex ).  I had no idea that this was not going to be a “normal breakup”.

As you all know, I told Trash to never contact me again. I could not go no contact at this time because we needed to work through getting his stuff out of my house (story coming soon) and the Mexico condo he is trying to steal from me:  Do NOT mingle finances with anyone. You will regret it.

I told him to stay away from me. That I wanted NOTHING to do with him. He didn’t listen. He kept coming to the Chandler AZ house and letting himself in. I was not going to live in fear.

So while I was in Mexico over Labor Day weekend (early September 2022) collecting my things from the house we shared in Mexico (Costa Diamante, Puerto Penasco), I hired a locksmith to change all the locks in Chandler AZ.  Sept. 6th 2022 they showed up and changed all the locks.  All I wanted to do was come home and prepare for my trip to Italy. I thought that if I did this, then I would be safe — I could return home, lock myself in, and not have him barging in unannounced. I could not have been more wrong about the situation.

One of the very few times I reached out to Trash first was this exchange — I just wanted him to know where to find his dog Baxter (story for another time). Instead of taking responsibility for his dog, he broke into my house — This is WhatsApp exchange with Trash on Sept. 7th 2022 — TD is the left side / grey, I am the right side / green:

To say I felt terrorized and violated is an understatement. I was shaking with fear, with anger…. He broke into my house and was squatting there. God only knows why. I called the Chandler police to have him arrested for trespassing (Chandler Police report 22–103692). He told the police he had a lease. Officer Swansen called me back and told me my only recourse was to evict him. So I did: The Eviction Process .

After a 6 week adventure through the court system, I was able to evict him. I was finally able to get back into my house on Oct. 17th 2022. He had indeed gotten in via the garage then broke through the door between the garage and house.

The break-in, the eviction judgement, and this WhatsApp exchange is part of the evidence that my Order of Protection was granted/upheld: Order of Protection Was Upheld .

This person, who had been cheating on me since BEFORE we left Mexico (and I’ve learned that he was cheating the entire duration of our relationship), and who clearly had moved on, was unhinged. I knew the violence he capable of — for months I had listened to him beat his son mercilessly (story to come). I knew his rage, and I knew he was capable of causing great harm.

Learning that the Chandler police would/could do nothing…. My heart was racing, I did not know what to do…. I knew I was not safe in the USA. I cried, I got mad at myself for being such a fool, for being so naive…. Then I drank some wine and made some decisions:

  • I needed to stay in Mexico with my friends. I had zero friends in Chandler/Phoenix. And the police could do nothing to protect me.
  • I cancelled my trip to Italy and visit with my parents (I was scheduled to leave Sept. 11th 2022).
  • I began searching for attorneys in the Chandler/Phoenix area. The one I found told me I was in danger and advised strongly that I not come back to the USA for any reason.

Thank god, at this point, from a work perspective, I had two weeks scheduled vacation. This gave me time to deal with this. I thought that two weeks was enough time. I was so so so wrong.

I was terrified. I had no idea what could or would happen. I have NEVER felt more unsafe and alone in my life. Ever. But it was about to get much worse as my no contact would enrage him so much that a week later he drove down to Mexico and broke into my condo: Retaliation is Real - Home Invasion #2 .

I have no lessons learned on this one. Just be careful out there.

Retaliation is Real - Home Invasion #2

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

Second break-in – Condo at Princesa in Mexico on Sept. 13th 2022

As I stated before, I was woefully unprepared for this breakup. I thought he had moved on. But no, he continued to harass me after the breakup —

  • He would walk into my Chandler AZ home unannounced
  • On Sept. 7th 2022  he broke into my Chandler home (Retaliation is Real - Home Invasion #1)
  • Hundreds of calls and WhatsApp messages to “talk” it out
  • and now this …

I believed Trash to be unhinged, delusional, unstable.

After the Sept. 7th break-in, my AZ attorney recommended strongly that I NOT return to the States. He stated that I would ONLY be safe after the eviction process was complete (The Eviction Process) and I had an Order of Protection in place (Order of Protection Was Upheld)

So, I took his advice, cancelled my travel plans, and became a shut-in in my MX condo starting Sept. 7th 2022. I knew that Trash was due back in Mexico at some point in time, I just didn’t know when. And given his past behavior, I had no idea what he would do when he showed up. Since I could no longer trust or predict Trash’s behavior/actions, I made the decision to hire a body guard to stay with me.

I interviewed 3 body guards and selected Cesar. Cesar is a big dude that is an amateur MMA fighter. I chose him because he was all about de-escalation, not violence. Trash had enough rage in him and I didn’t think more ego/rage is what was needed in this situation.

I shared the situation with Cesar — that I was scared of my ex. That he was unpredictable, erratic, and that anything could happen. He stayed in the guest room every night from Sept. 8th 2022 forward. He spoke english well enough that we were able to communicate. It was awkward at first, having a stranger stay in my condo while I was going through this traumatic life event — I was scared, devastated, and now in fear of my life. Cesar was very kind. We did our own thing for the most part (I cried in my room, he played games on his phone), we watched a few movies together (I put the movies on Spanish audio with english subtitles)… we were doing our best to figure out how to share a space during this awkward time. I paid him $50 for each night that he stayed with me.

The First Attack at 6:15pm

All was going well until Sept. 13th at 6:15pm. Cesar and I were watching a movie and all of a sudden Trash crashed through the door. Within seconds, Trash had disabled and removed the Schlage lock from the door. Both Cesar and I were shocked…. We were watching a movie one minute, and the very next moment TD is in the condo screaming at Cesar and I to get out of “his” condo.

What happened next is so surreal — I still cannot believe it happened. I’m still traumatized by the experience. Remembering it gives me PTSD — I have never felt this much fear. Those of you that know me know I speak of death like — “when it’s my time, it’s my time”.. .I seriously thought this was my time — I was sure that if TD got past Cesar that he would throw me off the balcony (Condo is on the 5th floor)…

Here is the recording of the initial break-in on YouTube.

So when Trash entered the condo and saw Cesar, he became enraged. He was beside himself that there was another man in the condo — he was screaming, swearing — in a full rage. He began pushing Cesar around trying to get Cesar to hit him. Cesar stood there, with his arms crossed against his body, blocking him from getting past the kitchen. I raced to the balcony and called the police as advised by my MX attorney. I called 911 emergency number FOUR times. I was shaking with fear — my heart was beating so fast. I reached out to my friends and MX attorney on WhatsApp begging for help. I felt so helpless…. there was a monster in my house and I couldn’t get the help I desperately needed. This is the most scared I have ever felt in my life. Here is the WhatsApp to my friend an MX attorney:

Mx Condo Breakin - 615pm Sept 13 2022 texts to friend and lawyer

While I was on the balcony I could hear things escalating inside between TD and Cesar. I went inside and told Trash to get out of the condo. Over and over again, dozens of times, I stated, “get out of my condo, you are not welcome here”, “get out, I do not want to see you, we have NOTHING to talk about”. “GET OUT and leave me alone”. Trash was enraged — screaming and yelling — telling me that I can’t “steal his condo”; that he was going to have Cesar and myself “taken out by the Goana brothers”. Cesar refrained from responding to Trash’s words and physical assaults and was able to finally push him out of the condo, arms still folded across his chest, just moving Trash slowly towards the door until we could close it.

I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what just happened.

Trash finally left but took the door lock with him:

Trash stole the door lock — there was now no way to keep this door shut or locked.

The condo community also had security, but from what I could see in the Ring doorbell recordings, they were just standing around — not asking him to leave, not escorting him away, nothing (another story for another time).

Trash Was Not Done – He Came Back at 7:15pm

I was shaking with fear. Cesar could see it, I’m sure he was also scared but he didn’t show it. He stood at the door for hours.. And thank god that he did, because Trash came back for a second round.

At 7:15pm that same night, Trash came back up to the condo (How Princesa security allowed this is a story for another time). Trash beat on the door, tried to push his way in again. He shouted obscenities to the both of us….luckily Cesar was able to hold the door closed. Here is the Ring Doorbell recording on YouTube of the second attempt to break-in and the WhatsApp communications with my friends and MX attorney during this time below:

Mx Condo Breakin - 715pm Sept 13 2022 texts to friend and lawyer

Trash finally left on his own…. and at 7:45pm the police finally arrived to take a report (Puerto Penasco Police Report # 1995699).

This should never have happened. I had alerted the HOA of the issues and had warned them, on a daily basis, that I was in fear of Trash and that something bad was going to happen. When it did indeed happen, nothing was done about it (story for another time).

A couple of things stood out to me after the police left:

  • There was food all over the floor — As it turns out, Trash had brought Thai food (my favorite) . This person cheated on me, actively deceived me, broke into my AZ Chandler home, had been stalking/harassing me for weeks. He knew I was not interested in anything he had to say, now or ever. Actions speak louder than words, his actions spoke volumes. So bringing Thai food and thinking we were going to sit down like old friends to “talk” is/was absolutely delusional.
  • As women, we are never safe. Men protect men — Trash probably paid the Princesa security guys a few bucks and somehow they looked the other way. There is one guard who was helpful — Alvaro. He kept telling Trash that “she doesn’t want to talk to you, leave her alone”. I will be forever grateful for his help. He is my favorite security guard. He gets it.
  • Trash is well known in the community. He owns a directTV install business in Mexico… He has access to the roof and other private spaces of houses and communities throughout town. I learned afterwards that during this incident, that sometime between 6:15 and 7:15pm, TD asked Security for the building roof key — he told them he wanted access to the roof so he climb onto my balcony and get into my condo through the patio door. Security did not give him a key. What kind of lunatic thinks like this? Which makes me think that I was indeed close to death that night — no joke.

I will do a separate post about how the Princesa HOA and Board were well aware that this would happen… and did nothing to stop it, and as a matter of fact, they made it worse by turning the Police away 3 times!

As mentioned above, I have a few more details to add that need to be a part of their own story…. But for now, this is a lot to for me share and for you consume. It’s taken me a week to recover from writing about the first home invasion – Retaliation is Real - Home Invasion #1— this break-in was so much worse, as I did think, and still do think, that if Cesar had NOT been in the condo with me, I would be dead or severely injured.

Lessons learned —

  • I do not believe women are safe — ever. Maybe I’ve watched too much Forensic Files, Law & Order, Snapped, whatever…. .. the court/judicial system is NOT set up to protect us. So in 2023 I am going to take self defense courses and learn how to protect myself. Fuck (sorry for my language mom) these men who think the can intimidate and abuse women. You come after me in 2023 — I will take you down myself. Be prepared to lose your eyeballs and be humiliated that a 5’2″ 115 pound woman kicked your ass.
  • The justice and court systems work at a snails pace — there is zero sense of urgency. I would love to see a system where victims/survivors were protected and given the same benefit of the doubt as the perpetrator/offender. Not sure where I can contribute here, I’m open to ideas and suggestions.
  • I’m forever grateful that I have money to hire attorneys to help me navigate this insanity and for the friends that support me 100000% . I can’t imagine how overwhelming this process would be for single moms, less privileged folks, or women who have become isolated due to controlling partners (see Maid on Netflix).
  • The condo that Trash claims is his is indeed NOT his. It is mine. Here is the story:INSERT STORY HERE.

I am grateful for the Order of Protection here in the states (see US Order of Protection Upheld). I have been told by my Mexico attorney that it is almost impossible to get an OOP in MX, so I just have to be vigilant while in Mexico make sure I am never alone, always with friends, and I let the Princesa security know my whereabouts at all times.

Last but not least, this break-in and the recorded Ring doorbell videos were evidence enough for Verizon to transfer my number back into my own account. Story here — How I Got My Phone Number Back From My Ex.

How did I get mixed up with such a conman?

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

Answers to the questions friends & family are asking me.

I am a nice person. It’s my nature to see the good in all people. I trust people and take them at their word. I assume people are like me — honest, kind, compassionate, empathetic, etc..

When someone tells me they are at work, I believe them. I believe it because that is what I am doing. When someone tells me they are “just a friend”, I believe them. Because I mean it when I say it — I tell the truth, I don’t hide things. And when in a committed relationship, I am as transparent as possible.

I thought Trash was like me — kind, sincere, in love with me, and wanted the same things in a long-term committed relationship. Obviously I would NOT have turned my world upside down if I didn’t believe this. I was invested and I showed it through my actions:

  • All the time and money to fly back and forth between Salt Lake City Utah and Rocky Point Mexico for the first 6 months
  • The purchase of a house in Chandler to be closer to him
  • Moving to Rocky Point Mexico in December to live with him
  • Help him raise his 13 year old wayward son for 6 months
  • and finally, the selling of my home in Salt Lake City Utah so we could be together forever

The demise of the relationship and the way it ended sits entirely on Trash’s shoulders (story to come). He found me, a good girl, mirrored me to get what he wanted. Based on all the research I’ve done, it’s his MO — His behavior with me is consistent with his past 3 girlfriends AND his ex-wife (story to come).

The truth is, the person he presented to me is not who he is. He is a conman and a narcissist. He played a long con-game and I simply did not see it. I never new narcissists existed, so I was blindsided when it ended.

At first I was ashamed, embarrassed that I was so gullible, that I didn’t suspect a thing until August 24th. A good friend of mine said “Don’t make it your problem. He is at fault.”

This made me feel a lot better about the situation, and has given me the strength to share my story in hopes that others become aware that there are monsters on this planet and you need to be very careful.

I have spent the last 4 months now (to the day), researching and learning all about Narcissism and how this could have happened to me. This Medium article by Myla Morningstar The Covert Narcissist’s Wish List: 10 Traits of the Ideal Victim does a great job explaining how I was a perfect target.

So here is what I have learned / come to grips with over these last 4 months:

  • The person Trash presented to me never existed; he was mirroring me to get what he wanted.
  • That what I thought we shared was not real (real to me, not to him).
  • He lied to me about everything; he never blocked his ex, Lola (they remained friends and even slept together while we were in a committed relationship).
  • That he used my trust in him to have multiple affairs and hookups; we were never in a committed relationship in his mind.

All I did was love someone, truly, deeply, and trusted that what he told me was true. This does not make me a bad person nor is it something to be ashamed of. And I will not change who I am because of this experience. I will continue to be loving, trusting, empathic and compassionate. But what I will do, moving forward, is:

Knowing what I know now has given me the closure I need to move on from this brutal life lesson. Outside of a few more stories that need to be shared, I will focus on my future, move past this, and start living my life again.

Thank you all for reading and please share this with any friends or family that you think may be involved with a narcissist. I wished someone had let me know sooner, because finding out on my own has been a very painful experience.