life

2015 In Summary.

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2015 was NOT a good year for me.  This only means that in 2016 there is no where to go but up. For a summary of my goals and results, take a look at 2015 Year In Review.

The two biggest downers –

1- I lost my job. I put all my energy into work and it resulted in absolutely nothing. Actually, it’s more than nothing – I gave up everything to make work work.  I had one date all year, on Dec. 28th no less.  I wanted more than anything to succeed professionally.  Not this year.

2- On the personal side, AbFab’s husband lost his legs.

 

I am so done with 2015.  I am all about 2016 – and 2016 is all about me.  I will focus on doing what is absolutely best for me.  Outside of me, I will be spending time with AbFab and family…  I am on polishing up my 2016 New Years resolutions and will share them when they are complete. Some good stuff around exercise and stress management, but there will be a few surprises around real estate. I am excited about what I can do this year – I hope it is worth the wait for you.

 

Family Tragedy.

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Just a few short months ago I was hanging out by a pool, relaxing, and putting off my work stress for the day. It’s been a ridiculous journey and has only gotten worse.  Which is why I haven’t written – as my parents taught me, if I don’t have anything nice to say, it’s best to say nothing.  So I’ve written nothing.

Work stress has been overwhelming.  So much so that my Dr. says that I will need medication if I do not control it.  So I’ve been meditating and medicating to help myself deal with the high level of stress. I do NOT want my adrenals to shut down and require prescription drugs for the rest of my life.

But now a family tragedy has pushed my work stress out of my mind.  My nieces husband was in a work accident and has lost both of his legs.  Yes, his legs are gone.  He is still in intensive care and is headed into his 3rd surgery tomorrow.

I HATE being so far away.  I do not like that I’m not able to be there, to help, to support, to do anything, even if it’s just sitting with my niece at the hospital.  I feel so helpless.. She has so much family around her now she has requested that I come out in 2-3 weeks… which of course I will.

I have set up a gofundme for them here – https://www.gofundme.com/newlegsforjohn – please donate and/or share this URL with others.  Any little bit helps.  The way I figure it, if 1000 people donate $50, AbFab’s family will have enough financial support to get them through the next year without worrying about losing their home.

I’m not sure what else to say. Except that all the whining I’ve done over the last 3 years has me feeling spoiled and ungrateful.  Life does suck sometimes and it will toss a whammy or two my way, but at least I have my limbs.  I now have a new perspective …

I’m sure my new-found perspective will get me writing again.

 

 

 

Thinking, Planning, and Regrets.

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hindsight-rear-view-future-past-road-mirror

Today is the start of a full 3 days off from work.  I will still be working, but only checking emails here and there.  A-Train is out of town so I have time to think about everything and come up with a new plan – even if that plan is to stop making plans and go with the flow. 🙂

Some of my favorite blogger friends gave me some words of wisdom after my post, Think.  Harold Spain stated that even with the best of plans, sometimes things don’t go as planned. Grey Goose basically said do what you want now so you don’t have regrets later.  Both of their comments have me thinking in different ways.

Being a type-A thinker can be a curse.  My parents told me it’s a gift because you can observe your behavior, analyze what works and doesn’t work, and change course based on the direction we want to go.  My parents are so proud of me, what I have done in my life, and how I have done it (with integrity, forethought, etc..).  My good friend Unicorns and Rainbows has the same curse as we – we spend all our time planning and plotting our course of action that we are actually beginning to think that we are missing out on life.

Regrets suck.  Living with mistakes is o.k…  but when you look at the end of your life, and you wished you had done something else, something different, or in most cases, just something.  Doing nothing is what fuels most people’s regret.  Mine is being cautious – being too cautious has caused regrets. I look at my life to date – I’ve done a lot of things, lived life to its fullest in a lot of ways.  Oh I have made our fair share of mistakes, but I don’t regret them because they were great life experiences. The only regrets I have is being too cautious.  My biggest mistakes?

  1. Waiting too long to get out of a bad marriage – not leaving soon enough to live my life. Yes I loved my husband and I desperately wanted it to work. But he didn’t love me, he didn’t care about me and what I wanted and needed. Would I have loved for it to work out and still be married to him?  Absolutely.  Did waiting for him to “come around” work out?  No.  Waiting didn’t change him, it only left me more damaged and with less time to find another partner.
  2. Waiting too long to leave bad jobs – it hurt me both physically, mentally, and professionally.  Remember Man Hands? Why in the world did I wait it out? I know I thought I could turn it around. But it was and still is one of the worst experiences I’ve had while living on this planet.

When did I become so cautious? Is this what happens when you get older? Get stung too many times?  Once Bitten Twice Shy kind of thing?  Anyway, Harold’s words got me thinking – planning can help put focus on a direction I want to go, but I still need to adjust as needed and enjoy the damn journey.  Stop being so cautious, live a little.  Grey Goose’s reminder to not live with regret is the best way to live life…

So maybe a move in in my near future?  I get it, where ever you go, there you are, but maybe a change of pace is exactly what I need. Maybe the plan I created for myself years ago isn’t working for me and a new plan is in order.  Maybe being a VP or President of a company isn’t in my heart anymore. Maybe being close to my nieces, laughing, making dinner, and painting nails is….

What are your biggest regrets? What caused them – being too cautious… being too reckless… being too XX??

Life Lesson #4899770.

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My-heart-is-so-tiredI picked a random number for the Life Lesson number, but God, it feels like there has been too many of them as of late. How many have I ignored these past years or should have recognized?

This weekend has been brutal for me.  I spent the entire time either crying, sleeping, or getting drunk (yes, by myself).  Except for tonight – Sunday night.  I’m watching one of many movies, one of which was a foreign film, which makes me focus on the words on the bottom of the screen and not the pity party I’ve been having so ensconced in all weekend.

I can’t believe how much I have cried this weekend.  I almost didn’t go out today because my eyes are so swollen (Visine keeps the eyeballs white, doesn’t help with puffiness). And when I did go out, I cried between each stop (3 stops in total) and had to talk myself out of not stopping (stops included Home Depot, Crystal Springs Grocery, and a drop off to a local Thrift Store). I feel like I’m behaving like a child, and honestly speaking, a spoiled child.  I knew how Atrain felt, I knew how I felt, but the loss of his presence is hard…much harder than I thought it would be.  I’ve not spent a weekend alone in 3 years.  It was an odd experience, one I didn’t like.  BUT I did muster through it, I did actually finish the 3 out-of-the-house tasks. That is something.  Or at least it feels like something. I’m celebrating – with a bottle of wine no less!

I do believe the best way to finish a “first weekend without your partner” is to drink a bottle of wine and watch a foreign film.  I recommend this only because it worked for me. I am drinking a bottle from BevMo – Valpolicella.  And the foreign film I’m watching is Happy Happy.  This is classified as a comedy, this IS NOT a comedy.  It’s dark, it’s sad, I don’t know on what planet this would be considered a comedy.  But I understand it. I get the loss, the desire for sex, and ultimately the new beginnings that this movie speaks of….. It’s really about how things come to change through a physical move, a renewed focus, a new perspective. About how life can unfold as you least expect it.  It’s a cross between The Holiday, O Brother, Where Art Thou, Brokeback Mountain, and a little bit of Butter in there…   I don’t know why in the world this would be considered a comedy, but it is…

I did not do any work this weekend. Not because I didn’t think about it, not because it’s not due, but because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything outside of crying, my tasks (as listed above), or working my ass of trying not to focus on my current predicament.  Yes, I will feel the pain tomorrow when clients/customers/colleagues expected something from me and I did not deliver.  I will have to deal with that.  I am wondering how I did this after my divorce – how did I keep my job??  My thought is that my manager helped me out greatly – helped steer me in the right direction while I was not right.

So it is early – but my girls are home with me, I need to get some sleep, and pull myself together for work tomorrow.  I’m preparing for a long week ahead.  Next weekend is a girls weekend, which I’m super unprepared for ..

 

Perception is Reality.

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sun_through_clouds_2560x1600Like I know what reality is.  I know what my world is like…  I’ve been busy dealing with my stuff and planning/executing my trip to Australia.  I think I understand what other people’s worlds’ look like….

My stuff… what is that? I’ve moved, shifted the life I wanted but wasn’t real in order to better my future life.  I’ve been feeling morose about the changes, and trying to adjusting to my new life.  I’ve made some major adjustments, the most notable is that I moved out of my house and am now living in a small 1 bedroom cottage, otherwise known as a converted garage apartment.  The loss of “my life” includes the loss of the things I love, the space I love. These changes are essential to me getting back on track financially.  I now have to admit it, I’m depressed about this move.

I now recognize that I’ve been avoiding my situation… and thought I was handling it well.  But this is not the case, not only have I not handled it, its effecting my work.  My manager asked me today if something was wrong, something significant like cancer.  Why? Because I’m not as engaged (dedicated, committed, passionate) as I need to be.  She wasn’t telling me because I’m in trouble, she asked me from sheer concern.  I love this woman, she has busted her ass to “prove herself”, but in reality, she is the best leader at my current company.  When I grow up I want to be just like her. She is amazing, and I appreciate her concern.

I’m surprised it took me so long to recognize/admit my situation.  I fell into the abyss before (during and slightly after) my divorce.  My doctor gave me some pills to help me deal with it, which was fabulous.  I know that there are pills that will help me pull out of my current funk, and my doctor will prescribe them, but I don’t want to use pills this time.  I think this is just part of life – to feel the highs, you have to feel the lows.  I just happen to be experiencing a low period. Just kidding, funny aren’t I??? I think so.   I’d love to have drug to cover this up, but there isn’t one.

Anyway, I now realize that not only HAVE I NOT BEEN hiding/handling it all that well.  I put it off my feelings because I have been dealing with the enormity of “my reality”, which were these life changes that I’m not happy about making.  But the situation is real, I’ve already made the changes, so I need to get over it.  So what does this mean to me? I need to get off my lazy ass and get with a program.  Wake up, drink a plant-based breakfast to get new energy, start exercising, and in general, get my shit together.

Tonight is the night – that I’m not doing anything, once again.  but tomorrow, I need to live my New Year’s Resolutions.  God damn, its March already, it’s time I get my shit together right?  I’m going to drink a plant-based drink for energy, eating more veggies for health, and drink wine for sanity, and in all of this, lose the 20 pounds I need to lose for my Yacht Body!!   Tomorrow I’ll figure out exactly how I’m going to execute on my plan.

Introducing The Family.

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So, I’m home tonight.  I just finished up with dinner at my favorite watering hole with ATrain.  We are doing very well…   so well in fact, that I’m taking him home to “meet the parents”.  I was thinking about it tonight, I’ve NOT introduced my parents to anyone except GFP in 5 years.  Tomorrow I’m taking the ATrain home with me to meet the parents.  5 years.  5 YEARS.  I keep repeating it because I can’t believe it.  My EX never came to Utah with me – I think he thought my family was beneath him (he was spoiled and elitist IMO), the last time he did was 2007.  That means that my parents haven’t met anyone that I’ve been with or dates in the last 5 years.   I know, I keep saying it, it’s just so surprising. No wonder they all think I’m a lesbian!  🙂

BTW, ATrain is Jewish, my parents are Mormon. I didn’t even know that there were Jewish people until I left Utah..  needless to say, there wasn’t much of a Jewish community in Provo Utah in the 1980’s… 

Finally, I should be working, I have a  TON of work to finish up before I can call it a night, but I wanted to share this momentous occasion.  I will let you know how it goes. With any luck, I’ll be able to take time away from work and actually do something fun for a change… like blog!

How Quickly Life Changes.

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Things can happen in an instant, your life can change in a matter of moments. 

I’ve experienced this first hand in such an unexpected way.  A-Train and I have spent a lot of time together since meeting back in early November.  And the time we have shared has been just magical.  I actually cried last night because I was so happy. I cannot belive how much he cares for me, how much he takes care of me, and how much I adore him. 

I just returned from spending a fabulous weekend with him in Santa Barbara.  I’ve finished unpacking, am now enjoying a glass of wine, and reminiscing about what great of a time we had.  We drove down on Friday…  spend time with his best friend – his childhood friend and his wife.  I loved them both.  I cannot wait to spend more time with them.. and we actually made plans to do that. It was comfortable and nice.

But before we left for Santa Barbara, A-Train had a surprise for me.  He had taken my car into a body shop and had a small dent fixed for me.  A dent that bugged me because I did it.  I accidentally ran into the electrical pipe that runs from the meter. It’s attached to the house, but it’s placed on the side of the house where there is a very narrow driveway.  I couldn’t see it…. when I first moved in I hit the pipe.   The mark I made on the right front fender was deep, no hiding it.  It has  bothered me, embarrassed me since it happened.   Not only because the dent is so obvious, but because it reminded me of my EX.  My EX used to always accuse me of not taking care of things. The insinuation was that I was not as good as him and that I didn’t know how to properly take care of things, that I was careless.  It really hurt me when he would say these words to me, after all, accidents do happen:

  • he accused me of “trashing” his car because I put a string-cheese wrapper in his car door pocket SO that I could throw it away when I got out of the car….
  • another time I lifted the lid on a printer and the plastic pin that holds the lid to the printer broke.  He accused me of being careless…  Honestly, I opened the lid and the thing snapped/popped…  but for the next 3 years, I “broke” the printer… and was reminded 1000 times to “be careful this time”…

Anyway, the surprise.  A-Train took my car to a body shop, had the dent repaired, and paid for it.  He did it because he knew it would make me feel better.  He wanted me to feel good.  Wanted me to be happy.  Seriously, I’ve NEVER had that kind of treatment.  As we were driving to Santa Barbara I started tearing up.  I told him how sweet he was, how nice and thoughtful it was.  You know what he said?  “I want to make you happy”.  Really?!?  Someone out there enjoys making me happy.  Wow.  I’ve never had that before.  It feels very strange.. and awkward.  It made me very uncomfortable at first… but really, after thinking about it, don’t I deserve that?  I deserved that in my marriage, I deserve that in all my relationships – To be with someone who WANTS me to be happy, that wants to do what they can to make me happy…    I feel the same way. I would go to the ends of the earth to do whatever necessary to make my partner happy…. 

So, two and a half months ago I didn’t know A-Train.  Now I cannot imagine my life without him.  I love spending time with him, traveling with him, hanging with him, and I sleep more soundly when I’m with him (I’ve had trouble sleeping for years… but not when I’m with him).  Sigh….

All I know is that life can change in an instant. My instant was a couple of months ago when CLicious introduced me to A-Train.  Lucky me.

Why So Many BMW 740Li’s Today?

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I spent the day NOT doing what I was supposed to do (tackling that pesky to-do list).  Instead, I spent the morning going for a run with my friend, C-Licious.  I picked her up and dropped her off so I could see her new appliances. She got a new refrigerator – with an auto ice maker.  Knowing how much I love ice cubes,she had to show me, and I had to see it. Today I drank a tall glass of ice-cold water, compliments of my friend and her new Stainless Steel Sears Elite.

I then showered and went on my 2nd date with MM guy.  He asked me to lunch, I said yes.  We had a lovely lunch, a great time together, it is easy to be with him.  He was born and grew up in Lebanon. He was there during the Lebanese Civil War..  I’m intrigued by him and his history.  I look forward to learning more about Lebanon (my own research) and his stories.

Now, I’m sitting home , catching up on all the seasons of Lost (yes, that’s right, sitting at home in my undies watching TV, attractive isn’t it?)  that I haven’t seen since my separation…  I’m addicted to this new little Roku box. I have so many shows to watch, streamed from Netflix directly to my HDTV..  all for the low low cost of  9.99 a month.  Honestly, I may have to add this little box to my list of addictions.

So, the title of this blog, although I’m having a great day, I can’t help but think of My Mr. Big. He drove a 740 Li, and I saw at least 6 of them today – I couldn’t help but slow down and see if he was in the car (even the parked cars.  I know, such a dork).  As much as I like MM guy and enjoyed lunch, I would have loved to have gone to lunch with my My Mr. Big, come home and taken a nap (we sure enjoyed our naps together, “one of life’s simplest pleasures”), make dinner, watch a movie, and make love (for the parents) have great conversation.

There is/was something about My Mr. Big… the way we were together.  It was just so easy, so natural.  I imagined him enjoying the beautiful day with his kids – swimming, golfing, tennis…  he loves doing outdoor activities with his kids.. and he has this bronze skin that is just to die for. I do wish him well, want the very best for him, but I do still miss him.

So, as I catch up on LOST, I wish he was lying next to me, his head in my lap, my fingers running thru his hair, just enjoying his company.  So alas, another evening alone missing what I can’t have.

Serendipity.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

OMG..  what a day. I’ve not only done what I’ve never done before, I’ve done it with someone I never thought I would do it with!!

I know, what kind of story do I have to share??!?!  Interested??!!?  Me too.   Learning something new about myself every day.

So, today was a travel day.  I had to travel back East for work …  it takes a while to travel from the West Coast to the East Coast..   I flew JetBlue (SO disappointed that they didn’t have wifi this time).. anyway, I sat down, did my normal thing… yada yada.  There was a seat change right before the flight took off.  A good looking black man got stuck in the middle seat.  Oh well, my thought was he isn’t fat so the trip will be just fine. 

We started chatting, he was really interesting.  We talked almost the whole tim (this is a 5 hour 30 minute flight)….. and he invited me to dinner when we landed.  Now I would NEVER normally do this, but I felt safe AND I have to say, finding a place to eat in Boston after 11pm has proven to be a very big challenge.  So, he knew of a place that was open, we went to dinner, shared a bottle of wine, had fantastic conversation… He then dropped me off at my hotel and guess what?  He invited me to dinner AGAIN on Tuesday.  I have a date in Boston.. my first one! 

So, first, lets take a look at this – this man is 38 (not the 50-55 range that I like), he is black (never even gone there, don’t know anything about this)…  and is really smart in a scientifc way ( he is a multiple degreed scientist who owns his own company that does something with artificial intelligence around genetics (biotech)).. 

O.k. so not the type I spend my time looking for, but honestly, I was intriqued by him – so interesting (so young… ) but I was so comfortable being my oh so charming fun self.  I shared a few personal things, like my addicton to chapstick, ice, and the Amalfi Coast .  None of these things scared him off…  Yes, I’ll let him know of the other things on the “list” in due time..   😉

Crazy day.. Had to share it with my readers…  Beats the last entry by a long shot!!!

It’s a shocker for me…   Letting go, meeting people, and stepping and letting life take me somewhere new and intersting…  Ahhh….. so good.

I Know Just The Thing To Fix My Somber Mood.

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So, I was feeling a bit down today… a bit bummed about Mr. Meat Market Texter…    Honestly, I thought I had read that situation differently.  Oh well.. I have found a way to pick myself right up!

I had a great converstaion with Unicorns this morning.. we talked about anything and everything.  Its been a while since we’ve caught up – it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good to hear her voice and commiserate about how sometimes life just gives you a box of  rocks.  She is the best!  And she is considering coming back to the Bay  Area… so excited just thinking about the potential… all the trouble we will find fun we will have!

I also ran out of Greg Goose Vodka (I know, the shame of it all)….. I only had enough for one Pomegranite Martini last  night.  So just now, I ordered myself the big bottle from BevMo.com.. I go pick it up this afternoon….  I’m giddy with excitement.  Momma is coming to get you Goosy!

And this will help me get out of the house .. finally.   I’ve been at my home, working,  probably in the very same clothes I sit and type this entry in … for what now, 3 days?  Since Sunday evening.  I know…too much time alone in one place, I’m feeling a bit like a shut-in.  I absolutely have to get out of this house before I go completely crazy.  So the errand I will get myself all gussied up for is my BevMo pickup.

I am also going to put on a summer dress and sit outside somewhere and let my skin soak up some of the Bay Area’s finest sunshine…  

O.k.. so to make my day a “dream come true” I have to get out of my cat hair fur lined fleece jacket, get into the shower, and pretty myself up!  Yeah for me!!!