Life Is Changing.

the juggleLots of thoughts going on in my brain… I’m struggling a bit these days… here is why.

Dating.  Feeling Foolish.  I just found out from a very reliable source that Italian Stallion was indeed dating others.  I feel foolish for trusting him. Makes me feel gullible.  Now I get why we never went out in public.. why he broke up with me when and how he did.. as I hear more about him and his antics, I realize that I was foolish and naive.   Bums me out.  Not that I’m upset that we are not together, I’m upset that people are no longer trust-worthy.  They don’t deserve trust or the benefit of the doubt.  My heart tells me that people are innocent until proven guilty. But this is just not reality – I have to assume that people are guilty until proven innocent. It’s so opposite of my personality…  Makes me want to crawl into my own space and not deal with people.

Dating. ATrain.  Went to the Bahamas with ATrain (more on this soon) and he suggested that we get back together.  Damn straight I’m a great partner.  I’m angry and frustrated that he didn’t see it before….   Can I get over the fact that he didn’t see it when we were together?  Can I really start over fresh with him? It really doesn’t help that he is pouring it on thick while I’m dealing with my Italian Stallion experience (above).  There are things I want, things that I shared with him, all have to do with feeling secure and stable:

  • Living space.  I want to live with my partner.  For us, we would need at least a 3/2 and some significant change (i.e. ATrain puts everything on the countertops.. a messy countertop drives me insane… insane I tell you. I cannot focus if there is shit on the counter.).
  • Security.  We either get married or I have that same security through documentation. I don’t want to worry about where my next meal is coming from.
  • Status.  he needs to be divorced. No more excuses.

But when I think about it, really think about it, there are a few things that I want that I have not admitted to or shared out loud. If I’m going to have it all, here is what I would add to the list:

  • Child. I want one. Doesn’t have to be a baby.. but a child. That I can raise. It is not about giving birth, it is about having an experience and a positive impact in this world. But is this even reasonable? I am almost 45…and I do love my sleep. I want this, but only if I have a great partner. Doing it alone is not for me.
  • Work Part Time. Especially important if I have a kid. I do not want to deal with unrealistic expectations and unreasonable hours.
  • Freedom. I want a partner for life. But I also want the freedom to experience others once in a while. I’m not sure that monogamy is possible…  so many cheaters.. why be a cheater when you can be honest and up front with a partner?  Is this possible – to make an agreement that is amenable to both parties re: sexual liaisons?

I know. These others are very big deals and difficult to discuss…  I am not sure how important they are to me until I meet a partner that is worthy of having this discussion with.

Work.  New Adventure.  So I found a new job.  I signed the employment agreement last week.  I officially start in June but will be doing some work prior to starting.  Ever since this happened, I am experiencing anxiety.  I did so much due diligence on the company and the leadership team, I cannot imagine that this is why the anxiety has kicked in. I think that my last job really had a negative impact on me. I’m lucky I have a few months to get over whatever is going on….

Family.  As you all know my family has been through a lot in the last 6 months.  Things are smoothing out… AbFab is speaking with her mother again, the girls have seen their Grandma again…  My twin is doing very well. The cats are healthy for now..  My parents are my parents – retired and loving it.

Not sure what else there is to share… I’m exhausted and need to go to bed. Please share your journey and/or thoughts.


Hello friends.

I know I’ve been out of touch, I’ve been working WAY TOO MUCH.  I’ve not had a second to myself, let alone for anyone else.  So much has happened since May…

First and foremost, I am alive. Just barely.. I’ve been working 80+ hours for months now.  Working on a work project that has consumed my life and not in a good way.  I gained the 10 pounds I lost last year, I am working for a woman who I can I only describe as grotesque.  Needless to say I’m looking for a new job.

Professionally I’ve exhausted myself – I’m completely burned out.  Totally spent.  I love the company I work for, I hate the person I’m working with.  I do love the other 95% of the people, but unfortunately to stay in my region I have to work with the person I’m working with. And IMO, life it just too short to work with poisonous people.  So on the hunt I go.

My personal relationships have suffered.  I have not seen most of my friends for months now…  and the ones I have seen it has felt rushed. I’m disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

Just because I’ve not written doesn’t mean I’ve not kept up with you, my favorite bloggers.  I love you GG and PG.. you both have kept me going this year.  Even though I’ve not responded to either of you, I love your posts. Thank you for sharing your life experiences with me. When I’ve needed a connection after long hours at the office, you are the first two I’ve turned to.   I’m also interested in Struggling Dad..  Anyone know what happened to him? Did he drop communication due to life’s complexities or can catch up with him on another blog site?

Regarding my main relationship, I’m in one, which is even surprising to me.  ATrain has stuck with me, has taken care of me and the girls – He is a great dad/father to the cats, and a great partner to me.  He has made more than his fair share of salads, dinners, and plans.  I’ve been an absentee partner for the most part, I’m lucky to have him, that he has been so patient with me. I tear up thinking about his kindness and generosity towards me over the last 6 months. 

For those of you that have gotten this far, I was able to purchase the house I remodeled and was living in. The ironic thing is that the girls and I now live with ATrain so I am trying to rent my home.  I’m renting it furnished. I did not have a problem renting it in August.  I’ve got 3 people interested for September. I am on the hook to show it to these folks during Labor Day Weekend.

I’m in Boston this week working and visiting with one of my best friends who stopped blogging years ago Unicorns and Rainbows. I do wish she would start blogging again – she has been doing interesting things and I’m sure her parents and I (along with you) would love to know the latest and greatest.

So, if I had to summarize  my position right now I would say that I’m feeling fat, un-confident, searching for a new path/job/lot in life, have a great support system with my boyfriend ATrain, friends C-Licious, Free Bird, Smarty Pants,  and family including Mom and Dad, AbFab, Lil’ Darlin, and my Twin. I just need to get off my ass and do something to change where I’m at, the situation I’m in. Stop complaining and DO SOMETHING.

I’ll write more and post pictures of my Santa Cruz weekend soon.

Thanks for reading.

My Lucky Day.

No, I didn’t get laid.

What I did get is the gift of more time.  Thru the graces of god, my presentation was rescheduled from this afternoon to Wednesday.  I cannot believe my luck – I was so ill-prepared.  Instead of practicing the presentation this weekend, I enjoyed time with friends, the warmth of the sunshine, organized my new home….  all the things that a normal person would do on the weekend….

My new job has been brutal.  I have felt overwhelmed since the day I started.  It seems like there has been something to do every single day ….   a lot to do, an overwhelming amount of things to learn.  I’ve been told that that it will get easier once I pass all the hurdles in the onboarding program.  Here is the high-level schedule…. 

  1. 3 full weeks of back-to-back training in Boston. This includes deep-dive training courses in the new product.
  2. 2 full weeks of a demo build, and delivery of the demo in a  role-play scenario (my managers behaved as prospects/customers). It was tough but I received very good feedback. Loved the experience.
  3. 1 week of product certifcation study and test… which I passed.  Pat on the back for Paula. 
  4. 1 week of standard pitch study, practice, and presentation delivery (what I’m working on now).
  5. a couple of days for a “demo on the fly” prep and delivery…. 
  6. 1 week of tecnical training to discuss enterprise architectures.. must deliver and pass the technical presentation.

Yes, you read correctly. My new company pays me while they train me to be the best possible sales consultant out there.  Its shocking, I’ve never run across this in my 15 year career in the software industry, but I have to say, it is so refreshing.  Instead of being set up to fail, I’m being set up to succeed.  But it has been really hard.   I’m emotionally exhausted, causing me to feel physically exhausted. Thank god I have a good friend who is keeping me on track with my yoga/pilates/run schedule.

Given all of this, I should be ready to meet customers/prospects in April… I’m still a month away from “doing my job”… I’m exahusted now.. mentally exhausted. There is so much to learn, the pace is definitely accellerated.  I feel drained all the time.

But today, I caught a break…  I’ve got a few more days to practice.  My presentation is now solid I just need to practice the delivery.  Lucky me, I am grateful for the extra time.

The New Job.

 So, 3 full days into the new job, and so far so good.   Even after my 3rd day of getting up early, showering, getting dressed, and driving into work,  I’m still doing it with a smile on my face.  For me, this is proof positive that I’ve made the right decision. 

I have been learning about a whole new market segment as well as learning the ups and downs of the new products I will become intimately familiar with.  Its all very exciting and manageable.  And I can see how I can make money doing it.  Thats what I need, money, so I can by a little piece of California real estate.

So far, here is what I’m loving about the new company:

  • The People. All of the folks I’ve met so far are so nice.  Must be a requirement to work here…  This was the hardest part about leaving my old job…  Loved my co-workers.
  • The Company.  They fundamentally believe that their people are the most valuable asset and they back this up with great benefits and opportunity.  May seem small, but matching 401K and good health benefits make a big difference to me.
  • That I Get It.  That I understand what the products are about, the problems they are solving.  Product is pretty easy to learn and demo – ramp up time is one month. 
  • Learning Something New.  I’m learning a whole new market and industry.  Very cool.
  • Last but not least, Opportunity.  There is so much opportunity at this new company – they are growing in a healthy, defined way.  They are profitable. They have a healthy pipeline.  It’s mine to ruin.  I know I can make something happen for me…. my destiny is in my hands.

There is one bad thing about it though… the cats are very disappointed that I’m not home to take care of them.  They have been very needy when I have been home.  As a matter of fact, I’m typing this post up with a cat sprawled across my lap, one paw on the keyboard.  They like to eat at 4pm, I’ve not been home until after 6pm every night.  And I’m so tired that I’ve been eating dinner and then heading to bed… no going out for happy hours, much less drinking, but no exercise.

I will have to learn to find a balance – to make sure that I take care of myself and that the cats adjust…

Making Progress.

 This is a New Years Resolution update as well as a personal progress report.

I’m happy to share that I’ve lost 3 lbs to date. I know its not much, and I dont think you would really notice, but I’m happy the scale is moving in a downward direction. I’ve been able to accomplish this by adding additional workouts into my existing diet and exercise routine. I’ve signed up for a personal trainer for one hour a week (2 30 minute sessions twice a week). The trainer kicks my butt… and its working. I’m working on losing 7 more lbs before my birthday, which is in 1 month. Wish me luck!

I start my new job next week. I’m very excited about it. I think there is a lot of opportunity at my new company, and it feels good to feel so positive and energized about going to work. Given this, I’m chalking this up as the right change at the right time. All goodness.

On the financial front, I’m almost done with my taxes, and am working on getting pre-approved for a mortgage… I may not make the leap into home ownership just yet (I do live in CA, I think the market has not bottomed out), but it is helping me get my financial house in order. I like that.

Lastly, I’ve cut back on the booze. I know, I know, the folks that saw me at my local watering hole on Friday might not agree, but when I’m home alone, I’m not drinking nearly as much. As a matter of fact, I’ve had almost zero to drink since Sunday – which is unusual for me. Yes, I’ve been traveling and staying with family, but the big change for me is that I don’t miss it. Yes, I am looking forward to a glass (or two) of wine tonight with dinner, but I don’t have to have it, which is what I was concerned about (the need vs. the want). I attribute this change in large part to my new years resolution to NOT take a final-final cocktail to bed with me. A small behavioral change that has had a relatively big impact in my life.

So, things are moving forward. Slowly, but with purpose. Captain of my ship…. moving in a new and different direction. That, my friends, is progress in my book.

New Job.

So, some big news to report.   I resigned from my current job.  I have accepted a new job, same position, with another company.

I have been unhappy with my company and my role for over a year now.  I don’t take switching jobs lightly (I do have a lot of responsibilities, including  two cats to provide for, rent, mortgage, etc.. !!), but something had to be done.   I did speak to my manager several times about my dissatisfaction and have offered up multiple solutions.  Nothing was done on their side, so it felt like it was time for me to move on.

I view my relationship with a company a lot like my personal relationships – All I can do is communicate my feelings/needs, be communicative, and open to options.  If the other person/company doesn’t respond, then they aren’t interested in growing together…  And I’m not interested in spending one moment in an “unhappy” state with anyone, including an employer.

So there you have it.  Captain of my ship and I’m steering my boat in a different direction.

My firsts day is April 19th and I’m excited about it.  Its feels good to be excited, to be  starting over and doing something new.!!