Partnership

How Quickly Life Changes.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Things can happen in an instant, your life can change in a matter of moments. 

I’ve experienced this first hand in such an unexpected way.  A-Train and I have spent a lot of time together since meeting back in early November.  And the time we have shared has been just magical.  I actually cried last night because I was so happy. I cannot belive how much he cares for me, how much he takes care of me, and how much I adore him. 

I just returned from spending a fabulous weekend with him in Santa Barbara.  I’ve finished unpacking, am now enjoying a glass of wine, and reminiscing about what great of a time we had.  We drove down on Friday…  spend time with his best friend – his childhood friend and his wife.  I loved them both.  I cannot wait to spend more time with them.. and we actually made plans to do that. It was comfortable and nice.

But before we left for Santa Barbara, A-Train had a surprise for me.  He had taken my car into a body shop and had a small dent fixed for me.  A dent that bugged me because I did it.  I accidentally ran into the electrical pipe that runs from the meter. It’s attached to the house, but it’s placed on the side of the house where there is a very narrow driveway.  I couldn’t see it…. when I first moved in I hit the pipe.   The mark I made on the right front fender was deep, no hiding it.  It has  bothered me, embarrassed me since it happened.   Not only because the dent is so obvious, but because it reminded me of my EX.  My EX used to always accuse me of not taking care of things. The insinuation was that I was not as good as him and that I didn’t know how to properly take care of things, that I was careless.  It really hurt me when he would say these words to me, after all, accidents do happen:

  • he accused me of “trashing” his car because I put a string-cheese wrapper in his car door pocket SO that I could throw it away when I got out of the car….
  • another time I lifted the lid on a printer and the plastic pin that holds the lid to the printer broke.  He accused me of being careless…  Honestly, I opened the lid and the thing snapped/popped…  but for the next 3 years, I “broke” the printer… and was reminded 1000 times to “be careful this time”…

Anyway, the surprise.  A-Train took my car to a body shop, had the dent repaired, and paid for it.  He did it because he knew it would make me feel better.  He wanted me to feel good.  Wanted me to be happy.  Seriously, I’ve NEVER had that kind of treatment.  As we were driving to Santa Barbara I started tearing up.  I told him how sweet he was, how nice and thoughtful it was.  You know what he said?  “I want to make you happy”.  Really?!?  Someone out there enjoys making me happy.  Wow.  I’ve never had that before.  It feels very strange.. and awkward.  It made me very uncomfortable at first… but really, after thinking about it, don’t I deserve that?  I deserved that in my marriage, I deserve that in all my relationships – To be with someone who WANTS me to be happy, that wants to do what they can to make me happy…    I feel the same way. I would go to the ends of the earth to do whatever necessary to make my partner happy…. 

So, two and a half months ago I didn’t know A-Train.  Now I cannot imagine my life without him.  I love spending time with him, traveling with him, hanging with him, and I sleep more soundly when I’m with him (I’ve had trouble sleeping for years… but not when I’m with him).  Sigh….

All I know is that life can change in an instant. My instant was a couple of months ago when CLicious introduced me to A-Train.  Lucky me.

So Much In Common.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

You know who I’m talking about… My Mr. Big.  Since I’ve been home and sober, my idle hands and mind have been working on all sorts of activities…  and my memories of My Mr. Big come rushing thru. Not that they aren’t with me every day, but now I’m very clear on what they are…  You will find them simple, probably trite, but they did and do mean the world to me:

  • Laundry.  We both only used 1/2 a sheet when drying our clothes.. I used to tear them, he cut them..  I finally ran out of My Mr. Big cut dryer sheets and had to cut my own.  I think of him every time I throw in a dryer sheet
  • Salads.  Of all my days on this diet, making salads for myself, not a single person, including myself, can make a salad like My Mr. Big.  I loved that he was so grown up and took the time and energy to make such great salads…and dinners (his Seared Scallops and Green Curry Chicken were better than anything I’ve ever eaten at any restaurant)
  • Exercise.  My Mr. Big was the biggest proponent of exercise.  He was into it as much as I was, often encouraged and inspired me to do better.
  • Cat Food cans.  I used to leave the cat food cans in the sink… he told me one day that it bothered him.  I now rinse the cans out and put them in recycling immediately.  What I cherish and remember is his honesty about it – It made me happy to know that I could make him happy (or at the very least not make him suffer). 
  • The Hairdryer. We both had an enthusiasm to dry all “our bits”..  every time I see or use the hairdryer, I think of him.
  • Dishes.  I hate to do dishes.  My Mr. Big was o.k. with this… I think he enjoyed doing the dishes because he knew how I disliked doing them.  He did them with a smile….  I just loved his generosity.
  • Naps. Once of life’s greatest pleasures.. and simply over the top  when you can share them with someone. My Mr. Big was a napper as well…
  • Passion.  I loved everything about him. I could orgasm just looking at him…  and it wasn’t just his looks, his gorgeous skin, but his deep kindness for people, his generosity towards his family, his intelligence…  The chemistry was just there and never waned the entire time we were together.

These are the everyday things that I adored and miss.  Tomorrow I’m going to work on a special project, which is reviving the citrus trees that are dying …. he used to take such good care of the plants.. he just knew how to care for them (like you know how to put on socks).  I was born without a green thumb, and all my attempts at keeping plants alive have been futile.  I feel I will fail at keeping these citrus trees from dying… I’m desperate to keep them alive just so that his memory of his kind care for them and gentle nature stays alive within me.   

The kindness and love, the support and blanket of love that I felt while with him still lives within me.  As much as I’m enjoying my life now, without responsibility (except for the cats, my nieces and great nieces, my financial commitments), I would give anything to have this feeling, this “partnership” again.  I think this is why I’ve not settled down.  I’ve had bad (the Ex husband), I’ve had GREAT (My Mr. Big), and the bar is high…  the guys on the roster have potential, but none have measured up as of yet (or chosen to participate).

This is why staying at home, with myself and no alcohol, is not preferred.  I run into the memory of what once was, what could have been, what I want for myself in the future.  Its so clear to me now….