online dating experiences

Life Is Changing.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

the juggleLots of thoughts going on in my brain… I’m struggling a bit these days… here is why.

Dating.  Feeling Foolish.  I just found out from a very reliable source that Italian Stallion was indeed dating others.  I feel foolish for trusting him. Makes me feel gullible.  Now I get why we never went out in public.. why he broke up with me when and how he did.. as I hear more about him and his antics, I realize that I was foolish and naive.   Bums me out.  Not that I’m upset that we are not together, I’m upset that people are no longer trust-worthy.  They don’t deserve trust or the benefit of the doubt.  My heart tells me that people are innocent until proven guilty. But this is just not reality – I have to assume that people are guilty until proven innocent. It’s so opposite of my personality…  Makes me want to crawl into my own space and not deal with people.

Dating. ATrain.  Went to the Bahamas with ATrain (more on this soon) and he suggested that we get back together.  Damn straight I’m a great partner.  I’m angry and frustrated that he didn’t see it before….   Can I get over the fact that he didn’t see it when we were together?  Can I really start over fresh with him? It really doesn’t help that he is pouring it on thick while I’m dealing with my Italian Stallion experience (above).  There are things I want, things that I shared with him, all have to do with feeling secure and stable:

  • Living space.  I want to live with my partner.  For us, we would need at least a 3/2 and some significant change (i.e. ATrain puts everything on the countertops.. a messy countertop drives me insane… insane I tell you. I cannot focus if there is shit on the counter.).
  • Security.  We either get married or I have that same security through documentation. I don’t want to worry about where my next meal is coming from.
  • Status.  he needs to be divorced. No more excuses.

But when I think about it, really think about it, there are a few things that I want that I have not admitted to or shared out loud. If I’m going to have it all, here is what I would add to the list:

  • Child. I want one. Doesn’t have to be a baby.. but a child. That I can raise. It is not about giving birth, it is about having an experience and a positive impact in this world. But is this even reasonable? I am almost 45…and I do love my sleep. I want this, but only if I have a great partner. Doing it alone is not for me.
  • Work Part Time. Especially important if I have a kid. I do not want to deal with unrealistic expectations and unreasonable hours.
  • Freedom. I want a partner for life. But I also want the freedom to experience others once in a while. I’m not sure that monogamy is possible…  so many cheaters.. why be a cheater when you can be honest and up front with a partner?  Is this possible – to make an agreement that is amenable to both parties re: sexual liaisons?

I know. These others are very big deals and difficult to discuss…  I am not sure how important they are to me until I meet a partner that is worthy of having this discussion with.

Work.  New Adventure.  So I found a new job.  I signed the employment agreement last week.  I officially start in June but will be doing some work prior to starting.  Ever since this happened, I am experiencing anxiety.  I did so much due diligence on the company and the leadership team, I cannot imagine that this is why the anxiety has kicked in. I think that my last job really had a negative impact on me. I’m lucky I have a few months to get over whatever is going on….

Family.  As you all know my family has been through a lot in the last 6 months.  Things are smoothing out… AbFab is speaking with her mother again, the girls have seen their Grandma again…  My twin is doing very well. The cats are healthy for now..  My parents are my parents – retired and loving it.

Not sure what else there is to share… I’m exhausted and need to go to bed. Please share your journey and/or thoughts.

3 Month Relationship – Conversation Follow-up.

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

image

What I’m about to share it true.  It happened to me this morning at 10am PST.

In a previous post, I shared how a recent relationship ended. Today I had coffee with the Italian Stallion so there are a few more details to share.

First, I wanted to meet with him because I had a suspicion that he wasn’t being fully truthful and it was bothering me. I also wanted to learn from this experience. At the end of the day, I do want a long-term partner at some point in my life.

Second, I forgot to mention, which a friend tells me it was a huge miss, that Italian LOVED to talk about how much $$ he has… How he takes care of people with his money (his kids, ex-wife, lovers, hotel staff, friends, strangers, etc..). How I would never have to worry about money if we got together…   Anyway, a great example, his car collection.  I do not care about cars.. At all.  All I care is that it gets me from point A to point B without incident.  I don’t care if it’s a 1979 Datsun or a 2016 Tesla.  Anyway, Italian Stallion would talk about his cars…  He has 2 cars and 2 trucks.  One of his cars is a Ferrari or Maserati…  He drove it (like a maniac I might had) on our 2nd date.  Parking was difficult so he parked it in a no parking zone. I told him we had time to find a legal spot and that I didn’t mind walking.. He said “if I can afford this car, I can afford the ticket or the tow.  Now let’s go.”

Ok. Back to today.  I meet him at Peet’s Coffee.  He walks in while I’m ordering a coffee… He comes over to me, has a huge smile on his face which was cute and disarming, leans over and kisses me on the cheek.  I offer to buy him a cup of java and he accepts.  We get our coffee and sit down. I thanked him for meeting with me….  I then told him I wasn’t upset or angry but I wanted to have an adult conversation about our relationship and breakup.

My first question for him had to do with his method of breakup – Why did he decide to break up with me over text?  I told him that I thought he had more integrity/class than that so his method of text surprised me. I suggested that he easily could have called me to discuss on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, or even Wednesday. He did NOT answer the question.  He reiterated to me that I have been gone too much over these last 3 months and that he has spent far too much of this time “waiting” for me and that he doesn’t need to be waiting around for me when others are “aggressively pursuing him”.

My second question for him was about his level of interest – I just didn’t see or feel that he was in it to win it.  I responded accordingly.  I gave him 3-4 examples that stood out to me:

  • Drugs, and Dancing.  In the first month of our relationship he went to Mexico for 5 days with a friend and ended up spending the entire time with a group of girls, which he bought coke for. They danced and drank together for 5 days.  He was so wrecked when he got home he needed 3 days to “dry out” before he was back to normal.  My point to him was two-fold: 1) would he be happy if I hung out with guys who bought me coke and I danced with them all night every night? And 2) if I was important to him, wouldn’t he have been in better shape when he saw me? Like be excited to come home and see me and maybe cut back on the drugs and booze on the last night?  Maybe?  And I only know all of this because he told me.  I did not ask, he shared all of this freely, and not just with me, but with my friends as well.
  • My Family.  the fact he never asked about my cats, who we all know are my fur babies. Not once. Why Ab Fab is so important to me?
  • My Career.  The fact he never wanted to understand or talk about why I am on a 6 month hiatus from work?
  • Friends.  He met mine…  Why did we not go out with his friends?  He spent a lot of time with “his buddies”… And I never met a one.  Is the term “buddies” mean that he has another date?

I admit that while these things were occurring I DID NOT say anything. I just shrugged my shoulders and accepted it… Again, it’s because I didn’t think he was serious, I wasn’t serious, so none of these things really matter if the relationship is not long-term.

I did tell him I thought the breakup was ironic given that I’m around the entire month of April AND most of May AND I go back to work and have a regular schedule in June…. He started in with “it’s timing” and “I was gone too much” … Yada yada… I did not tell him that the breakup seemed pre-mature at best, and potentially an excuse for another reason.

At the end of the day, he never really answered any of my questions, but my theory is that he had a date last Saturday night and things went well.  My guess is that he would never have called/texted me again IF I hadn’t reached out. Which doesn’t bode well for his character..  But I would say this is more the norm.  Remember Mr. Showtime back in 2011 here and here?

But the story gets better.

As we were talking, we were laughing, joking, having a good time.  We do get along well. He is a fun guy-life of the party, center of attention.  He then told me that I have beautiful eyes and a contagious smile and that I light up any room I walk into (I know, super sweet).   THEN he says that when he watches me smile and laugh he gets hard.  Then he asked me IF I WANTED TO TOUCH IT.  I know.  Wait, there is more.  He then reached out, touched my hand, and …… asked me if I wanted to go to his house and fool around.

Yep, just let that sink in for a minute.  This happened in a flash at a Peet’s Coffee.

I light-heartedly told him “not now”…  There is not a chance in hell that I’m going to ever have sex with him (see reasons why here), but IMO mens ego’s are less bruised when they hear “not now” vs. “no”.

You would think that is enough.. but wait, there is more!  He then proceeds to tell me that he wants to be friends, he would still like to do things together because I’m a cool and fun girl, and:

  1. That we should stay friends because I’ve never met anyone like him.. (which is true)
  2. How lucky I am that he is so vocal in bed – because it shows that he is having a great time and it’s a complement to how good we are together.
  3. And he would be open and available for me to come over to his house and fuck him anytime.

I know. A person like this does exist on this planet. I have seen it for my own eyes.  At the end of the day, I will continue to be his friend (we have a lot of mutual acquaintances).  He is a fun guy.  My gut feeling is that I won’t see him again…  He isn’t going to reach out to me ever again, and I have zero plans to check in with him.  It was as smooth a breakup as you can have.  All egos in-tack, no one damaged or worse from the experience.

And there you have it folks, the end of a romantic relationship.

 

 

 

What a 3-Month Relationship Looks Like.

PaulasPonderings7 Comments

imageI met a guy in early January.  We dated.  We moved to the friend zone this morning.  Here is what transpired.

I met “Italian Stallion” online.. He didn’t want people to know that so we say we met at Trader Joes.  We meet for drinks – we click.  He wines and dines me 2 more times.. He says he wants to take it to the next level.  What he means is he wants to have sex.  I’m not ready, but hey, a girl needs some real action every now and then so I opted in.

CAUTION: The next few paragraphs contain slightly graphic sexual content. Yes, I am including the juicy bits. You are welcome.

We continued to see each other casually.  We went out a few times a week when I was in town*.  *=take note of this, it will come into play in the very near future.  Going out consisted of me meeting him at his house, him sticking his tongue down my throat upon entry, having sex (he couldn’t wait, that’s how he “connects”), then sitting around watching movies like an old married couple.

While in this 3 month relationship I spent a lot of time away. After all, I am “temporarily retired” and I like to do things. I spent a few weeks in Utah, went to Yoga Retreat in Mexico, spent 2 weeks in the Bahamas (more on this coming)… Italian Stallion would text/call every now and again, but certainly not consistently.

The sex was also not that great for me.  Here are a few reasons why:

  1. His penis is not that big.  And this wouldn’t be a problem IF he didn’t talk about how big it was all the time.  It worked, he knew what to do with it, but it wasn’t big.  All I could think about when we were having sex is about all the girls he’s been with that have told him he is huge, when in fact, he is average.  And who was I to burst his bubble?  Hard to focus on having an orgasm when I’m thinking about the mans penis size and all the other girls who have supported his belief that he is well endowed.
  2. He is a dirty talker. He loved to talk dirty, in public and in the bedroom.  Which is fine, to each their own.  But when you are having sex with someone and they use statements like “gimme that pussy” or “come to Pappa” or “Who’s your daddy” (he is 60-something so it’s kind of creepy) or “fuck that cock, yes, fuck that big cock“.  Anyway, I wasn’t able to get into a rhythm because I was too busy wondering where he picked up these statements and if other women were actually turned on by this.
  3. He has loud orgasms.  As you would expect, someone who loves to talk dirty in bed is also very expressive when he orgasms.  I am on the Chelsea Handler team where men should watch themselves in a mirror and ask themselves if what they see is what they want to bring into the bedroom.  She does a hilarious bit about this in her Uganda Be Kidding Me standup routine (out on Netflix). You can go here and see a less dramatic version of it during an interview – http://teamcoco.com/video/chelsea-handler-sex-rules.  When he was ready to “explode” he would start to scream at the top of his lungs, “NO, NO, NO…. Then more softly yell yes, yes yes “…. And a few other choice words while in the euphoric state.

In this case, between his size, his dirty talk, and the sound and fury of his orgasm, it was all just too distracting for me.

Ok. Enough of that.  Here is how the breakup happened.

I returned from the Bahamas last week and wanted to see him. Actually, I didn’t really care if I saw him again but since we were dating I thought it was best if I put in some effort.  So I called him on Wednesday. He didn’t have time to see me until Friday.   I met him at his house, we had dinner, sex, and a movie.  When I left his house on Friday he felt much better and connected again.  He even texted me Saturday morning – his exact words – “It was great seeing you last night. I had a great time and I hope you did too”.

He had plans on Saturday so he said he would call me on Sunday.  He didn’t call.  I spent the day with my friend at the pool, asking for advice on how to break up with Italian Stallion.  So many ways to do it…  Some suggestions were hilarious.  I’ll save this for another post too.

Anyway, I finally reached out to him Tuesday evening via text – said I hoped he had a nice weekend and that I missed him.  I didn’t really miss him, but isn’t that what you say when you are dating someone?  He responded by text the following – He said that things “broke” between us when I went to the Bahamas and he couldn’t get it back… And that we should date other people and just be friends.

Personally I think he had a date Saturday night and it went well… I’ve asked to meet him to discuss.. Only because I want to ask questions and get a better understanding. I never got the feeling he was serious..  I thought we were just casual and in no way did I think we were exclusive.  Anyway, we are scheduled to meet this Friday for coffee. Interesting how things play out isn’t it? I got my breakup without having to be the heavy. 🙂

That my friends is what a 3 month relationship looks like.  I will update this post IF I do indeed meet with Italian Stallion on Friday.

Reconnecting.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

Hello friends.

I know I’ve been out of touch, I’ve been working WAY TOO MUCH.  I’ve not had a second to myself, let alone for anyone else.  So much has happened since May…

First and foremost, I am alive. Just barely.. I’ve been working 80+ hours for months now.  Working on a work project that has consumed my life and not in a good way.  I gained the 10 pounds I lost last year, I am working for a woman who I can I only describe as grotesque.  Needless to say I’m looking for a new job.

Professionally I’ve exhausted myself – I’m completely burned out.  Totally spent.  I love the company I work for, I hate the person I’m working with.  I do love the other 95% of the people, but unfortunately to stay in my region I have to work with the person I’m working with. And IMO, life it just too short to work with poisonous people.  So on the hunt I go.

My personal relationships have suffered.  I have not seen most of my friends for months now…  and the ones I have seen it has felt rushed. I’m disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

Just because I’ve not written doesn’t mean I’ve not kept up with you, my favorite bloggers.  I love you GG and PG.. you both have kept me going this year.  Even though I’ve not responded to either of you, I love your posts. Thank you for sharing your life experiences with me. When I’ve needed a connection after long hours at the office, you are the first two I’ve turned to.   I’m also interested in Struggling Dad..  Anyone know what happened to him? Did he drop communication due to life’s complexities or can catch up with him on another blog site?

Regarding my main relationship, I’m in one, which is even surprising to me.  ATrain has stuck with me, has taken care of me and the girls – He is a great dad/father to the cats, and a great partner to me.  He has made more than his fair share of salads, dinners, and plans.  I’ve been an absentee partner for the most part, I’m lucky to have him, that he has been so patient with me. I tear up thinking about his kindness and generosity towards me over the last 6 months. 

For those of you that have gotten this far, I was able to purchase the house I remodeled and was living in. The ironic thing is that the girls and I now live with ATrain so I am trying to rent my home.  I’m renting it furnished. I did not have a problem renting it in August.  I’ve got 3 people interested for September. I am on the hook to show it to these folks during Labor Day Weekend.

I’m in Boston this week working and visiting with one of my best friends who stopped blogging years ago Unicorns and Rainbows. I do wish she would start blogging again – she has been doing interesting things and I’m sure her parents and I (along with you) would love to know the latest and greatest.

So, if I had to summarize  my position right now I would say that I’m feeling fat, un-confident, searching for a new path/job/lot in life, have a great support system with my boyfriend ATrain, friends C-Licious, Free Bird, Smarty Pants,  and family including Mom and Dad, AbFab, Lil’ Darlin, and my Twin. I just need to get off my ass and do something to change where I’m at, the situation I’m in. Stop complaining and DO SOMETHING.

I’ll write more and post pictures of my Santa Cruz weekend soon.

Thanks for reading.

A Pissy Post.

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

Be forwarned – I’ve had a few cocktails and I’m feeling a bit pissed about  what has happened lately.

I just don’t get it. If you are a nice gal, like myself, are open and honest,  the girl next door type, you get screwed.  If you look great (not that I don’t look good mind you, I’m a hottie, I’m just a 40-year-old hottie), are a bitch on wheels, desperate, needy… you get a guy.   I think of the men I’ve fallen for this year – all of them amazing in their own way – independent, honest, cool, different/unique… super interesting.  EVERY single one of them is driven to please needy, pissy, bitchy women (including but not exclusive to their ex-wives). . 

I’m great, what they want, their “dream girl” as they have all said – gorgeous, self-sufficient, independent, fun, etc…  They couldn’t ask for anything better.   But in the end, they drop me (and in not-nice ways)…  why you ask?  I’d love to know for sure.  But what I suspect is that it’s because there wasn’t enough drama for them. Men love drama… makes them feel loved, needed.  They want it, they need it.  I think it’s totally immature, but I think this is it.

I’ve been reminiscing… the 3 men I’ve fallen for since my divorce; One that I loved with all my being; My Mr. Big, the one  I would take back in a heartbeat IF he ever showed his face again.. gone.   The other two had potential to capture all of my heart…. but won’t because they are still tied to ex-lives (IMO).   All 3 have recoiled from a relationship with me,and I know it’s not because of me.  It’s because of them. As much as they said they were ready, the were NOT ready for a mature, supportive, non-jealous, fun, loving, sexual, easy  relationship.  All of them weren’t ready for this for different reasons…. but for me, it’s all the same  – they weren’t ready for something fabulous and fun.

As I think about this, it pisses me off.  I spent 2 years figuring my shit out BEFORE I put myself out there. I wanted to make sure that I was ready for a healthy relationship…   I thought men wanted the same thing.  But after this year, I do NOT believe this is the case.  I think when men “are ready’, it means they are ready to throw themselves out there and catch what they can (and the younger, more immature the better). 

I think I’m done for the year…  I’m disappointed.  I don’t need a partner,  I’ve got my friends, my cats, and lots of to-do’s to accomplish this holiday season…  I’ll think about what I want to do for next year and focus  what I need to do to get a partner as part of my New Year’s Resolutions..

So that’s it.  I’m pissy.. don’t understand men… giving up on them for the rest of the year.  If you have advice, I’d love to hear it, it will help figure out what I do in the New Year.

Lots Of Interesting People Dating Online.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

I think I’m the last conservative girl on the planet.. well, me and my friends.

So, yes, I’m back to online dating to build my roster…  coming across all sorts of interesting folks…  Here’s a letter I received from Frank: 

“Hello from Frank.

Your profile was selected by OkCupid as someone I would like to see, and am dropping you this note to say hi.  My name is Frank and I am a professional white 50 year old married poly* man, and would enjoy chatting with you when you have the time. I also use the email xxxxxxx@yahoo.com . I travel on business in Asia, and like to visit and explore new places.

Hope you are enjoying your week, and it would be a pleasure talking some more with you!

Frank

* poly as in polyamorous: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

Isn’t he sweet to think of me, thinking that I would be a good fit for his group/clan?  I know very sweet.  I’m thinking about it…   🙂 

Building The Roster Once Again.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

There are a bajillion things I should be doing other than what I am doing… What I should be doing is:

  • out and about enjoying this amazing California sunshine
  • running a bunch of errands
  • doing my 2010 taxes
  • doing my expenses

Instead, I decided that The Roster is nearly empty once again and I need to fill it back up.  Empty why you may ask?

  • MM Lebanese guy – he is traveling extensively this month.. I was out-of-town last month (in Hotlanta)… I like  him, but its going to be a while before we have a chance to reconnect.  Not sure if the distance makes someone grow fonder. In my experience it does not – its been more of an out-of-site-out-of-mind thing.  I do hope he keeps in touch and calls when he returns, I would like to see him again.  But I’m not going to hold my breath….
  • Middle Seat Airplane guy – The beautiful black man I met on the airplane.  Yum!  Anyway, I’ll be in Boston later this month.. I sent him a witty email about my visit and asked him out. Yep, just went ahead and told him what I wanted – to see him again.  We shall see what he does.  If he doesn’t respond, I’m sad to say he will be off the roster. 
  • The Chef.  I had lunch with him.. He is definitely interested.  he finds me to be “one of a kind” – beautiful, kind, and sincere.  I know, he should be a keeper. But you know, he calls me EVERYDAY.  I feel stalked in a way… and maybe that’s because I don’t like him.  😦  I’ll have to do something about this one soon.

So what did I do to remedy this situation?  Took charge.  I’m a girl of action – I brought my online profiles back to life.  I checked out MillionaireMatch.com and returned a few emails, I reactivated my POF.com account, and I signed up for OkCupid.com.  I put the same profile and pictures on each site.  Here are my thoughts on these sites as of today.

MillionaireMatch.com

I love that there is a place to go and its about income.  Now I can’t get very granular in my search (only look for people in the State of CA for example), but you have to state your income and its visible..and verifiable.  I like this.  I do NOT want to date anyone that makes less than me.  So I really like this site for its honesty around finances.  I’ve got two suitors that I’m emailing with… One lives in Southern California, another lives here in Northern California.   I will definitely let you know if they turn into anything more substantial.

POF.com

Why why why did I reactive my profile?  I did a search for what I’m looking for, and it should not be at all shocking that most of the men that I saw months ago are the same ones that popped up.  And the guys that have reached out to me with winks, kisses, or whatever the flirting method on POF is… well, not that attractive or interesting.   There is one potential at this time – a man who I favorited actually wrote me and said he enjoyed my profile and would like to meet me.  A man who took initiative.  I like that.  So the ball is in his court as they say and I will let you know if anything happens.

OkCupid.com

I thought I would try this site out.  I like the interface, its easy and intuitive.  I had initially done a search online and found one guy that I thought was adorable and had a great profile.  So I registered,  completed my profile, added pictures, then favorited him.  THEN I read his profile.  And as cute and adorable he is, he’s allergic to cats.  I did send him an email letting him know I enjoyed his profile and a few other funny and witty comments.  But I do mention in my profile that I have cats, so my guess is that as charming as I am, I will not hear from him.  Bummer.  For now I’m going to just hang out on OKCupid and see what comes to me…

Oh, and one last note, the advice on the website is that women keep their dating pool open, date several men.. sorta like a roster…   I think OkCupid and I have the same philosophy on dating… 😉

Missed The Mark On This One.

PaulasPonderings9 Comments

Connections. Aren’t they great when they work out?  When both parties feel it? I love them.  Sometimes though, it just doesn’t happen. 

As you all know, I felt a connection with the Dear Paula letter writer.  I definitely felt something there, and thought it was shared…   obviously not so.  Took me a while to wrap  my head around that one, and I thought I had learned this lesson already.    I’m sad to report that this is not the case. 

So, I’ve been dating. Signed up for a free online dating website, thought I would take my chances….  whats not to like about it (besides the bombardment of men not in my criteria that email me daily)..  the off-chance that I meet someone that is not in my circle of friends that I’m attracted to is much better than if I wasn’t on the site and did not meet new and interesting folks.  I like this concept –  meeting new people that are interesting that I would otherwise not meet.  So much fun, right?!

In my limited experience so far, online dating is much like thrift store shopping. There are many things before you, but you have to decide,amoungst all the crap, what you like and what you are willing to go out with, and every  now and again, you find a gem.  I do well in this environment – picking my flavors and making the most of my dates. I’ve built my roster, yes, a roster of gents that I go out with on a regular basis.  I like all the men…  all have potential, but there was (notice the was?) one in particular, that I felt was moving forward nicely…

So, this person, I thought felt the same way- a connection (a physical AND mental attraction and a mutual desire to see more of each other). We’ve had 3 dates over a one month period.  All were great, fun, “getting to know someone” experiences in my mind:

  • the initial meeting – where we decide that we are interested in another date (that we both were representative of our profiles, worthy of moving to the next step)
  • the second date –   witty banter, playfulness, and mutual physical attraction.  We played pool, had intelligent conversation and there was definitely some flirting going on.
  • The third date –  was about mental connection in my mind – he talked about his kids,  we shared  life goals (work, retirement, travel, etc), the dissillusion of our marriages, and then our perspectives on ideal partners (I was the first person he’s been interested in since his seperation)… how easy it feels to spend time together…  We made plans for a 4th date when he returned from Dallas.

Well, last night, while out with my girlfriend, I saw Mr. TX with another woman.  Not thinking about it, I approached him to say hello (why wouldnt I ??).  He behaved very strangely – he did not give me a hug, then immediately stammered something out about the woman he was an “old friend” from TX.  Fine.  I got a very wierd vibe from him, told him to have a great night, and walked away.   But as I walked away, my back to Mr. TX, my  girlfriend got a wierd look on her face and said, “EWWHHH”.  Apparently Mr. TX and date began making out like teenagers (the date making it clear to all that they were together).  The bitter sweet part is that the folks that work the bar, which I know, said to not worry about it, (to come back to the bar later), because he was leaving “again” in two weeks for a long bike ride…  all said with a  smirk and I think a wink!  This made me think that they knew he was not an upstanding guy… not one worthy of my attention/affection.

First, he owes me nothing.  I was not expecting anything from him except honesty (which we talked about on our first date because of how crazy online dating can be).  But given the way the night played out, I am pretty sure he has not been honest with me.  I wonder if any of the things he said to me are actually true —   He told me he’s a busy executive of a small company, travels a lot, has a crazy schedule, enjoys my company and would like to make plans with me as his time/schedule permits…..    Seemed reasonable to me, but now, is any of that true?  Or is he really a used car salesman from San Bruno, who lives in a studio apartment, or better yet, with him mom?  Who knows, what I can say with certainly, is that given the wierdness last night, I’m NOT the first person he has spent time with since his seperation (blondie, his date, could probably confirm this)….

So, its very clear to me now the Mr. TX I had a few dates with is clearly not who he said he was.  I totally missed the mark.  I was a little taken aback by this.  All I could think was about being played – I was played.  And I fell for it, I let it happen.  I didn’t see it coming – never would have thought it (who does that???).   Chalk this up as another lesson learned for me —  Once again, I realize that I am nieve, I actually believe what people tell me.  When am I going to learn????   I do not want to become jaded, but I honestly don’t know if its possible to be open, honest, AND date. 

So, folks who are out there, how close do you hold the cards? How much do you reveal about yourself? How much of what someone says to you do you believe/trust?   I’d welcome any tips/tricks/advice.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

I’ve always struggled with this statement… is it true that the absence of someone makes you want them, pine for them more?  Or is it the other way, “Out Of Sight, Out of Mind”? 

I have to say, for me, I miss, with all my being, the folks I want to hear from.  I think about them, wonder about them, wish them, mentally will them, to reach out to me.  It sometimes hurts to think about them, want them to have them think about me, but not hear from them….  I have just realized this week that I think too much about it.  I’m sure my best, sure bet is to just let it all go and assume “out of sight, out of mind”.

So, does thinking about this, thinking about wanting to hear from people, men that I’m interested in, make me needy?  I’m starting to think so.   Maybe I’m less independent than I thought…   I question myself ONLY because I sway in this thought with men.. and dating.  Why?  Because I know, that even if I dont speak to my girlfriends for a day, a few days, a week, or weeks, I know in my heart of hearts that I will see them again, that they love me, I love them, and all is well.   Its just not the same with men.Men, or at least the men I’ve connected with lately (or not …. ha!!!) , just haven’t established a pattern of consistency.  Just doesn’t seem the way “they” work.  I do feel it has more to do with “them”…  that its not so much the fear of commitment, but more so the fear of committing to the unknown….   Not wanting to give the wrong impression about their intentions.   Or, thats the story I’m telling myself tonight.

I realize I’m thinking much more about this than “they” are.  My head tells me to let it go, its exactly the way that it is, and that I should take it at face value, “out of sight out of mind”.  I guess, now that ‘m traveling more, I want to make the most of my time home, so I want to “schedule” in time to see the people that I care most about.   That’s just my Type A personality.  But as much as I want that, I think that what I need to do is just relax and go with the flow (isn’t that what dating, and/or life in general is all about?)…..    I do think that if a man wanted to see me, he would call me and make a plan to see me.  Certainly, there are gents out there that ARE calling, that ARE making the effort…   it just so happens that the these are not so much the guys I want to hear from….  😉

Lordy, one of these days, there will be recipricocity….  the man/men I want to be with will actually be the man/men that want to be with me.  Won’t that be something to celebrate?    I’ll let you know when that happens.

Dating at 40.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

Dating at 40 is very different than it was when I was in my 20’s.. I spent  my 30’s married and divored.  Now, at 40, the scene has changed significantly.

First and foremost, I wanted to let everyone know, that the man who sent me the Dear Paula Letter is a kind person.  I was lucky to spend every minute with him, he was of the upmost calliber – he was a true gentleman with the highest of integrity, was honest to the bone, had true grit, had the greatest energy, and was a blast to be with.  He has set the bar very high for the next round of gents I date.  So please don’t confuse my sadness with anything that he did.  I own my grief….  I was/am sad that the person I truly enjoyed being with, that I had tons of fun with, that I conncted with did not feel the same way about me.  Oh well, that is part of life.  I’ve got my big girl pants on now… its fine.

What I have been pondering lately is the new dating scene I’ve found myself in.  I’ve been thinking a lot about these past few weeks.  There are a couple of things I’ve learned/am learning/will continue to ponder:

  1. What I find attractive is so very different now.    What I wanted in my 20’s is definitely NOT what I want now.  In my 20’s I was looking for someone in my same boat – single, looking to build a partnership/relationship in the spirit of creating a family.   I don’t want this anymore.  I am single, without kids, but given my experience with my niece, I feel like I’ve lived a full life – raised my kids,  enjoyed the ups and downs of unconditional love.  I do not need to give birth to a baby to feel complete.  So I have no biological clock ticking ….  I am looking for someone who is NOT looking to start a new family, is older, wiser, wants to develop a strong friendship/bond, and a fun, drama free relationship.
  2.  Whats on the Market Now.   On the market now are either single guys in their 40’s or divorced men  in their 40’s.  Given the option to date a single person with no children or a divorced person with “extras”.  I’d pick the divorced man.  40+ year old men without a long term relationship and/or a family just does not have enough life experience for me.  They are often too needy, still want someone to mother/take care of them…   I don’t want to be someones mother, I want someone who can take care of themself (like I do).  So, I go for the more complex option – man with history/a past.  I want someone who has struggled, has learned about themselves, has dealt with adversity, and is able to clearly articulate who they are and what makes them happy, sad, energized, etc..  I know that being with this kind of man presents its own challenges,  meaning they may have kids, ex-wives, financial setbacks…  I get it.    But I’m o.k. with this – I am attracted to men who take care of their families, who want the best for those around them, who know how to compromise, know how to make tough decisions, know how to communicate.  Its just what I prefer – and its a good thing, because at 40, there are adult men, good men out there who have been through the ringer, and are looking for a solid, genuine, independent woman to share a few good times with.
  3. The Art of Dating.  For one, I don’t think I have dating game – I want to get there and meet new people, find friendships, establish connections, and just maybe, find that special somone I can explore this life with.  But I have no idea really how to go about doing this because everything is different now (points 1 & 2 above) …. … This hit me while I was getting my hair done and reading the Dating Virgins  article in this months Marie Claire.  Basically this article points out that women (and men I suspect)  tend to fall back into the comfort of a full relationship rather than enjoy dating.  Dating can fun – getting to know someone is exciting.  My favorite quote from the article is “dating is a marathon, not a sprint.”.  Personally, I’m in no hurry to get into another relationship –  I have no end goal that I’m trying to accomplish.  But after reading the article, maybe I do ..   just because I don’t know what I’m doing AND when I find someone I like, I do want to spend as much time with that person as possible…… maybe this is too much too soon?  I don’t know.   This is something I’m going to watch as I begin my dating adventures.  My focus will be on enjoying the moment of getting to know someone, not pushing, not rushing, just enjoy what is.

 So, dating is different now.  I’ve changed, and the dating pool has changed, the game has changed.  I’m open to this new life, willing to take that leap of faith, get out there and have fun with a lot of  intersting adult men.  I’ve got nothing to lose and a whole lot of new friendships to gain and interesting experiences to have.

Go Paula!