Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig.

2015_06_OnVacationA-Train and I have returned from vacation. It was a fabulous trip, one of the best I’ve ever had in this country.  We went to Terranea Resort and Spa in Rancho Palos Verdes, just a short 45 minutes from LAX.  I would highly recommend it.  It was a fabulous resort – the room was fantastic, it had a great variety of restaurants on-site, and the service was fantastic.  It was sooo relaxing.  It was exactly what I needed.  I was surprised that A-Train treated and was into this vacation because it isn’t his style.  But he was actually fun to hang out with – he reminded me of the A-Train that I met a long time ago.

I took much needed time away from work and computers.  I checked my email only once and that was it.  I happened to get a new phone last week and I was not able to connect it to work email before I left.  It was a blessing.  It was so nice to disconnect for such a long period of time. First time in quite a few years that I stepped away from work.

I’m slowly transitioning back to the work world this week.  I’m not doing an exceptional job at it.  Good thing that tomorrow is Friday!

I have some great plans this weekend, one of which is to sit by a pool, sipping wine and catching up with my girlfriends.  Sort of like an extension of my fabulous vacation.  Living the dream.  🙂

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My Choices.

choicesAnother day has come and gone.  It wasn’t so bad.

I went to the office today.  I was so busy with meetings and follow-up that the time just flew by.  I got home around 6:30pm, pet the cats and wondered around for a bit. Then sat down on the couch, finished up some work, and am now getting ready for bed. This post will be much shorter than my recent posts (don’t get so excited).

Not only am I back and committed to writing more and working through my life in this public manner, my favorite blog friends are back as well.  They too have struggled over these last few years.  They have been so generous to share their experiences, their struggle, their deepest fears, angst, joys with all of us. I have come to know and love these folks – and their words have given me pause, made me think, and have influenced me in very positive ways.  They share their experiences with such honesty and openness, I aspire to write and share like they do.  I hope you enjoy their writings as much as I do –

  • That Precarious Gait – She is finally back! Like me, she took a hiatus – trying to get through each day, not knowing that I related to the experiences she shared…  Now is a great time to catch up with her, she just wrote a great post, catching me (and the world) up on why she has been gone for so long.  She has such a great writing style – so clear, concise, impactful, and emotional without being “victim-ish”.. it’s insightful and I gets me thinking.
  • Four Is A Family – Love this man’s sense of humor.  A Brit that lives in Virginia (or somewhere cold on the East Coast), living life and sharing his experiences on love, love lost, raising daughters (which is SO HARD), working, and trying to keep it together.  He too disappeared due to overwhelming life responsibilities.  But he too, is back. At the same time as me and That Precarious Gait.  Lucky me.

What I realized while dealing with my own shisa, is that others are struggling too, I’m not the only one out there running into family or relationship or other issues.  There are a lot of folks out there trying to figure out their path in life, working hard to learn from their experiences, and moving on, becoming better people through the process.

Anyway, it came to me today. Life is about the choices I make.  And this breakup is about the choices I’ve made over the last 3 years.. or maybe even longer.  It’s my responsibility to figure out why I’ve made the choices I have, to learn from them, and move on.

So here I go, sharing my journey with you.  The ups and downs, the process of learning from my successes and my failures.  I hope you get as much out of my experiences as I get from Precarious and FIAF.

A Year In April.

In April, it will be a full year since I’ve seen or heard from My Mr. Big.  I can’t believe it.  A FULL Year.  I never thought it was possible, us not being together, now its been a full year since we’ve had any contact.

As far as I know he hasn’t tried to reach out to me.  I’ve wanted to respect his privacy and wishes, so I’ve only thought about him.. except one time.  I did send him a Happy  Birthday email on his birthday in December.. no response.

Crazy how life changes. How you can go to thinking that someone will always be there for you, with you.. and another minute, they are gone, gone forever.  I’ve always believed that life can change in an instant…  this experience is no exception.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what happened to him, wonder where he is, if he is happy, why he chose to stop all contact..  But as a dear friend tells me, its my lot in life to wonder about things that I will never learn the answer to.  We are thinkers, wanderers, my friend and I, destined to roam this earth wondering about things beyond our control…

I did and do love him, My Mr. Big.. always will.  He brought such joy to my life, gave me a new perspective on life and love…  I was lucky to be with him, even if just for the short time that we shared together. I do miss him…

Salt Free Beans For a Year.

So, I’m sure your question is, what  is this single, foot loose and fancy free woman writing about … salt free beans? What IS there to say about salt free beans????

Everything I tell you.  I had a date tonight. Date #2 with a guy…(I don’t think he is going to be around enough to give him a nickname)  my first date with him was last week, tonight was the second.  He is cute enough… charming enough.. interesting enough.  He is totally into me (which is flattering).  He took me to what I consider the nicest place in the town – great food, great atmosphere, and it is not cheap.    He didn’t dress up (I did, and I looked hot!!).  All in all, it was a nice evening, certainly nothing to complain about.

 But I have to say, I would take this evening and gladly trade it in for a year of salt-free bean dinners/evenings with my My Mr. Big.  We would find recipes to experiment with ….  enjoy each others company, talk, laugh.. have great sex.  All things I miss dearly.  I know that I’ve got to stop comparing potential candidates with the love of my past.  Tonight I finally realized that I’m actively seeking someone to replace him… and nothing/nobody can do that. He was something special – we had something that just worked.  

I get it – the goal is to find someone new….someone that is available,  that is interested in spending time with me, AND that I’m interested in spending time with.   I’ve not been able to do that yet…..  Anyone have advice on how to do this?

So with that, I will bid you good night…   and will write my next entry about the live bird the cats brought in 5 minutes before my date showed up….

3 H’s – Head, Heart, and Heat – aka Chemistry.

One more thing.  Even though I’ve been working a lot, my mind has been spinning.  The people who know me would recognize this as the “Paula Jukebox”.

 I’ve been thinking about what BF Unicorn and I talked about this weekend.    The hardest part, for us, and certainly for me, is realizing that the person you have married/loved/dated doesn’t recognize the rarity of the connection.  The rarity of finding someone that you feel the “3 H’s” for AND that you think that they feel the same way about you.  But in the end, they linger on in your mind, because it is mind-boggling that they don’t feel the same way (or aren’t willing to admit it).  Harsh.

So, what are the 3 H’s?  You all know them…  

  •  head,
  • heart, and
  • heat. 

The magic is when these 3 things align FOR BOTH PARTIES involved…..  when you are connected at a intellectual level, when there is a synergy that is unexplainable, and there is a passion, an attraction for each other that cannot be satiated….  I call this magical.   And which is why its so hard to let go of someone that you feel this way about/with…… or the possibility/potential for this.  It is really hard to understand why anyone would turn this down.  Obviously the answer is that the other person doesn’t feel the 3 H’s for you…

On my side,  I’ve only experienced this 2x in my life…  (1) My EX, who I can’t remember much about these days except for the last 2 years of our marriage, which where horrible.    (2)  The second and most genuine, honest relationship was with the first man I dated after my divorce… My Mr. Big.  The man I still carry a torch for, who sets the bar high for everyone else.  And the (3) 3rd time was not the actuall experience of it, but the potential of experiencing it again, was with Dear Paula Letter writer.  Experiencing the 3H’s is so rare, its still shocking to me that when you find it, feel it,  man or woman, that you dont just let go of whatever is going on and experience it, soak it all in, every bit of it.  No matter how long it lasts…   

I think that I’m the kind of person that can’t, won’t settle down unless I have “it all”….  all the H’s.  And which is why it takes me foooorrrevverrr to a) find someone, and b) get over someone (thus the creation and blathering on in this blog).   I don’t think I get over these relationships, but more just get passed them, move on, and prepare myself for a new and different (and smarter) experience. 

O.k.. enough thinking for tonight.  I really need to go to bed – I have to get up at 6am to catch my flight (and I’m not an early bird).  Good night.

Quick Update

So, I finally have some time to catch my breath.  I’m in Boston, just finished up with some training.  I got to work with my new account executive (my new work partner in crime), delivered a new demo, and learn new and interesting things.  All fun… but exhausting.

Because of my last experience with work travel, I decided to stay Thursday night and fly home Friday….  this was a mistake this time around.  Everyone took off today (all are from the East Coast, making it a bit easier).  So, I’m now hanging out in my hotel room, drinking wine, and watching a movie. I would much rather be on a flight home, sleep in my own bed with my furry ladies.  Oh well, this is the way it worked out… not a problem.

So many things to catch up on. And in the spirit of the list, here are the events:

  • Weekend in Boston.  My weekend with my BFF Unicorns was fabulous!   We planned for nothing, experienced everything.  We laughed, cried, drank, slept, flirted, etc..  We also went to a bead store, Bead and Fiber, where I picked up a few things so I can finish up on a few jewelry projects.  I have many many hobbies, one of them being hula hooping which I’ve shared, another is jewelry making. I loooove making my own pieces, one-of-a-kinds…   its a creative outlet, one that I enjoy immensely.  One of these days I’lll post a few pictures of my pieces… 
  • Invite To Hawaii.  One of the men on my roster, Mr. Energy, EG Chicken Legs from here on out, invited me to Hawaii for a long weekend.  I know, WOW.  I decided that I would go and check it out.  Why not?    My heart certainly misses the men from the past, but they aren’t available so whats a girl to do?  Move on is right…?    Not sure Mr. EG Chicken Legs is the right guy for me, but no way to know for sure unless I dive in and check it out. 
  • Presentation.  I did a new presentation at work, and actually got kuddo’s for doing something different and interesting.. I guess I’m starting to feel like I know the stuff (which can be a very dangerous thing)…

So, two more things I wanted to write about … 

  1. one of them is a situation I experienced while with BFF Unicorn.  We were at the Renaissance Marriott in  Boston, which is a fabulous hotel… at the bar we met a gentleman, a young one at that.  He was very intrigued by us….  he invited us back to his room, which was a suite with a private jacuzzi…   and I blurted out “We Have Swimsuits!!!” . Yes I did.  And we did – I packed two swimsuits so BFF Unicorn and  I could enjoy the public pool/jacuzzi.  Well, needless to say… I do not think he cared that I packed swimsuits…    Nothing happened. We enjoyed one more drink with the good-looking man smart but young enough to be my son…  I’m such a dork….
  2. the other is that I’m thinking about starting a new page, an advice to men column, sharing my experiences about what men should do to get a lady, vs. what they actually do, which doesn’t get the lady.  Men do make bold moves, put themselves out there, but sometimes, their follow-thru is lack-luster, and they lose an opportunity … my advice column would be what TO DO..   

O.k.. I’m off to bed.. I’m exhausted. I’ve got to get up early and catch my flight home.