I’m Doing My Level Best Right Now.

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Life is complicated right now. I have been overwhelmed by it all .. and I’ve been frozen with fear and anxiety. The top anxiety producers are:

  1. Resigning from my job. It could have been a great job.  It wasn’t – made horrible by a terrible manager and consistently bad experiences .. I call it a death by a 1000 cuts.  I know I’m not alone here – check this out – Why I Quit My Job by Life of Kai.  This is my experience so eloquently written.  I do not mean to diminish Kai’s experience as a PoC, or to diminish that the Ad Industry needs an upgrade.  But this story is my story too (I’m a white woman working in Tech).  Terrible managers and the leadership teams that support them exist in all industries.  It truly is death by a 1000 cuts (politically correct terminology is micro-aggressions).   I just wished I had the strength this woman had to recognize the problem as not mine and resign earlier.  I would have more confidence at this point and have spent less time trying to improve a impossible situation.
  2. Risking My Retirement.  Given #1 above,  I have to support myself. So I decided to sell my #1 asset – my California property.  It is my largest asset.. and I’m selling it 20 years prior to retirement.  Am I crazy?  Yes.  It feels like crazytown right now given the stock market, political landscape, and the uncertainty of the midterms.  Yes, I have a 401K and an IRA (I’ve been saving since I started my career at 24), but those haven’t grown in value nearly as much or as quickly as real estate in CA.  So in order to support myself while I look for another job, I need to sell this asset.  It hasn’t been easy to unload an expensive house in a volatile market.
  3. Planning/managing a home remodel.  I’ve been living in a shit hole. I purchased a house a year ago in as-is condition. It was a rental for 28 years before I purchased it. Everything is in original/terrible condition.  Why did I buy it? Because it was close – 4 blocks – from the family I love.  My living condition has gotten the better of me and I just cannot live like this anymore. Given the current market, finding a contractor is challenging… I finally found one.. and he is available Nov. 15th.   Yeah me!!   But #1 was unplanned and #2 has been challenging, making me stress out about the $$ I’m spending on the remodel (Yes, I put a deposit down… I need this change for my sanity)..

Yes,  I am very aware that these are all self-inflicted wounds.  On top of causing my own trouble, I obsess about being poor, not having a roof over my head, and eating cat food to survive.  What can I say, when you grow up poor, these things never leave you… I wake up physically sick every morning.  I have nightmares about working at Walmart and eating cat food to survive in my old age..  The anxiety is overwhelming.

Given all of this, I struggle every day to get anything done.  And as a Type A person that likes to get shit done, I am mortified by my state.  I literally cannot make myself do what I know needs to be done.  I am doing my best to not let it get to me and to overcome it.  I am embarrassed to share my goals with you at this time as they are tiny… but they do get me out of bed and accomplishing something each day.

Here are a few things that motivate me:

  • Daily emails from Inspire More.  I read these emails every morning and it let’s me know that a) there are good people in this world, and b) I can be one of them with a small, kind gesture.
  • Positive Interactions with Others.  Anytime I go out of my house, I focus on having positive interactions with others. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I am hyper aware of my interactions with others and do what I can to make it positive for the other person.
  • Make a difference.  I do my best to make a difference in every life I touch.  I see others doing this and it makes me happy. I don’t care what it is, if someone has passion to help others and make a positive impact on others, I’m all for it.  For me, its a small action – smiling and saying hi, listening to someone who wants to share there story, or showing appreciation for the help/kindness of others (Home Depot you are the best!!).  The kindnesses I am watching now are:
    • Marc Benioff’s effort to help the homeless.  Hands down we need more Marc Benioff’s.  I have traveled a lot internationally, and the USA is the only country that doesn’t take care of their own… makes me sad. I see how other countries take care of their people. And we, the USA, richest country in the world, do not make it priority to take care of our own peeps.  It hurts me deeply.
    • Kathrine Zellner , Laura Nirider, Alison Claytonand any/all involved with Innocence Projects. Wow, there are a lot of innocent people serving time.  Can you imaging if this was you?  The more I research this, the scarier it is for the the innocent. I have a cousin in prison, serving a life sentence, for a murder she didn’t commit.  I’ll write more about this in a future post, but the justice system is not kind to the innocent.
    • For the Love of Farm Animals.  Why people on this planet that hurt animals is a mystery to me.  I am the person who saves spiders..  I can’t help it.  I imagine their families missing them…  and they do eat misquotes.. What does it hurt to guide them back to the great outdoors?  But what about those awesome animals bred for our food?  I have fallen in love with Esther the Wonder Pig and her friends..  I’m hard pressed to eat pork and turkey at this point in my life.  It’s easy to make a difference – only purchase food from humane farms, donate and save an animal or two, or visit a farm sanctuary near you

A very long, rambling post… yes I’m drinking wine…    I’ll do my best to write more consistently.  🙂

If you have made it this far, then you have probably been in a similar place.  Please let me know how you have gotten over your life challenges, how you get out of your own way, and the path that ultimately set you free..

 

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Entering 2012 With A Bang.

Happy New Year Everyone! 

I wanted to give a quick update.  My holiday weekend was WONDERFUL.  A-Train is amazing.  We had the best time together… 

A-Train and I drove up to Napa early Friday afternoon. Spent 2 glorious days in Yountville, CA.  Stayed at the Bardessono Resort & Spa (unbelievable – one of the nicest places I have ever stayed), had dinner with his son and his son’s girlfriend on Friday, spent time together on Saturday (went rollerblading thru wine country), drove home on Sunday.  It was an incredible weekend – spectacular company, delicious food, amazing scenery, fantastic bike rides.  We obviously couldn’t get enough of each other because we ended up spending Sunday and Monday together as well.  Our weekend ended this morning….. 😉

I am so happy that I let go of the past, got over the age/looks reservation, because honestly, I would have missed out on this opportunity.  Even though there is a 20 year age difference, A-Train and I have a lot in common:

  • We have kids relatively the same age – his son is 24, my AbFab is 22
  • We have the same moral compass – respect others, respect ourselves, honest to the bone, transparent
  • We are both nurturers
  • We are both hilarious and make each other laugh
  • We can have deep conversations about politics, religion, and the world at large

What more could any woman ask for?  A man who cares, that can show he cares, is nice to everyone around him, is witty and intelligent,  makes me laugh so hard my belly aches, , and is an expert bike rider? 

I know, I know, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s fresh.  But thinking about him makes me smile, and I WANT to spend more time with him.  AND he wants to spend more time with me.  The more time we spend together, the fewer reservations I have.  For now, I will bask in the glow of a fabulous weekend with a wonderful person and leave it at that.  I will spend as much time with him as I can before I leave for Florida next week… as a matter of fact, he is picking me up in 30 minutes and we are going to run errands and have dinner.  So domestic, I love it!

I have also made up my mind on my New Year’s Resolutions… I will get them out and make them “official” by weeks end. 

Lastly, I promise to write a post about A-Train – how we met (CLicious introduced us while we were Happy Houring it at our favorite restaurant/bar), when we met (early November), his nicknames for me (“sunshine” and “my little treasure”), and what I’ve learned both about him and myself thru this new adventure.