Thoughts & Experiences

anything and everything that I’m preaching or pondering…

I met the ex girlfriend — she is NOT crazy; she is absolutely lovely

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

What I learned — and how it is helping me heal.

So how did it happen? I reached out to her.

Why would I do such a thing? Let me tell you.

So after Trash was evicted (story here), AZ law gives him 14 days to “make reasonable effort” to make arrangements to get his things. He had 14 days from the day after the writ was served — 10/17/22. So October 31st was his last day to make contact. He never contacted my AZ attorney, so I got the green light from my Lawyer to get rid of the stuff he left behind.

While I was making arrangements, a friend told me that the furniture Trash had convinced me to put in the house was not his; he had stolen it from his ex-girlfriend, Lola. I was mortified. Upon learning this, I reached out to Lola — shared with her what was going on, and let her know that I wanted to return her things to her. She responded, and we agreed to meet at my house.

To say I was nervous is an understatement. I had so much anxiety about it I took a Xanax. Trash had told me so many horrible things about her — how she wanted him back, she was stalking him, she was sending nude photos of herself to him when we were together. He said it was so bad he had to block her.

Well, as you all can guess, none of this was true. The truth is:

  • He never blocked her; they have always been in communication
  • She was not stalking Trash; Trash was stringing her along; breadcrumbing her. He told her that I was just a “business transaction” and alluded that they would get back together
  • Yes she sent pictures to him, of her in her swimsuit (she has great boobs).. because she thought they were getting back together
  • She is a lovely woman who also had her heart broken by this monster

So the truth is, while Trash and I were doing the two-week on, two-week off time between May and December of 2021, He was stringing her along. I saw all the texts. She continued to ask him if he had a girlfriend … he insists that he was single — The very same thing he did to me after I arrived in Chandler, when questioning him about Laura, his new supply/girlfriend. I went from feeling scared to feeling compassion and empathy for this woman. She has been through so much, she is still hurting, just like me, for being so actively deceived. She has been traumatized. AND she still agreed to meet with me.

I also found out that in the early morning hours of January 8, 2022, mere weeks after I arrived in Mexico to live with him (Dec. 23rd 2021), she had made arrangements to pick up her things from Trash’s MX Mirador townhouse. She showed up early to avoid seeing him. Like 6 am early. She got up early to get her stuff before going fishing. Trash showed up and attacked her — pressured her to have sex with him.  So while I am laying in his bed, in the MX Costa Diamante house that I now called home, he got up early to harass, intimidate, and attack Lola. She showed me pictures of her bruises and the text exchange between them. He’s a disgusting human being for treating anyone like this.

Anywhoo, she came over to my house. We identified the furniture that was hers. She does not have a place to store it, so we agreed I would list it for sale and give her the money. Of course the sold price is a fraction of what she originally paid for it….. but at least it’s something. It breaks my heart to know how devastated she must have felt when she found out he stole a house full of her furniture and put it in his new girlfriends house.

She didn’t/doesn’t blame me. She treated me with nothing but kindness. Extreme kindness. She knows that I do not know anyone in Chandler, so she invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with her. How NICE is that? But wait, there is more. She told her friends about me, and her friends reached out to me and we all met up. I now have 3 girlfriends in Chandler — the ex Lola, and her two besties Bambi and Vexatious.

So who would have thunk it, that reaching out to do the right thing would lead to new friendships.

What I’ve learned:

  • Trash was not truthful with me. Nothing that comes out of his mouth was or is true — I have receipts for everything. He continues to state untruths but has zero receipts. as my AZ attorney says, “if his lips are moving, he is lying”.
  • Trash is not a genuine person. He never cared for me — everything he presented about himself to me was a facade. He was a fake, a fraud.

When I’m ready to date again, I’m going to do things differently:

  • I will ALWAYS do a background check on the potential mate. The cost is well worth it. I purchased a truthfinder.com on Trash and the results were shocking. 4 evictions, email addresses associated to sex websites, multiple altercations with the law, etc. Crazy shit. Had I seen this report sooner, I would never have dated him. You can see Trash’s Truthfinder Report here.
  • I no longer believe in “crazy ex’s”. I will ALWAYS request to speak with the ex. If he is a good man and treated his lady with respect, then this should not be an issue. I know that my ex prior to Trash would happily talk to a potential partner on my behalf.

I do hope someday that karma does pay Trash a visit. For now, I will keep moving forward to heal my heart. Knowing that I never meant anything to him really hurts. But it is also helping me heal — the person that Trash presented to me never existed, the relationship I thought we had was never real.

I am forever grateful to Lola for agreeing to meet with me, for being so kind to me, and bringing the receipts I need to validate what was truly going on during our relationship.

How did I get mixed up with such a conman?

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Answers to the questions friends & family are asking me.

I am a nice person. It’s my nature to see the good in all people. I trust people and take them at their word. I assume people are like me — honest, kind, compassionate, empathetic, etc..

When someone tells me they are at work, I believe them. I believe it because that is what I am doing. When someone tells me they are “just a friend”, I believe them. Because I mean it when I say it — I tell the truth, I don’t hide things. And when in a committed relationship, I am as transparent as possible.

I thought Trash was like me — kind, sincere, in love with me, and wanted the same things in a long-term committed relationship. Obviously I would NOT have turned my world upside down if I didn’t believe this. I was invested and I showed it through my actions:

  • All the time and money to fly back and forth between Salt Lake City Utah and Rocky Point Mexico for the first 6 months
  • The purchase of a house in Chandler to be closer to him
  • Moving to Rocky Point Mexico in December to live with him
  • Help him raise his 13 year old wayward son for 6 months
  • and finally, the selling of my home in Salt Lake City Utah so we could be together forever

The demise of the relationship and the way it ended sits entirely on Trash’s shoulders (story to come). He found me, a good girl, mirrored me to get what he wanted. Based on all the research I’ve done, it’s his MO — His behavior with me is consistent with his past 3 girlfriends AND his ex-wife (story to come).

The truth is, the person he presented to me is not who he is. He is a conman and a narcissist. He played a long con-game and I simply did not see it. I never new narcissists existed, so I was blindsided when it ended.

At first I was ashamed, embarrassed that I was so gullible, that I didn’t suspect a thing until August 24th. A good friend of mine said “Don’t make it your problem. He is at fault.”

This made me feel a lot better about the situation, and has given me the strength to share my story in hopes that others become aware that there are monsters on this planet and you need to be very careful.

I have spent the last 4 months now (to the day), researching and learning all about Narcissism and how this could have happened to me. This Medium article by Myla Morningstar The Covert Narcissist’s Wish List: 10 Traits of the Ideal Victim does a great job explaining how I was a perfect target.

So here is what I have learned / come to grips with over these last 4 months:

  • The person Trash presented to me never existed; he was mirroring me to get what he wanted.
  • That what I thought we shared was not real (real to me, not to him).
  • He lied to me about everything; he never blocked his ex, Lola (they remained friends and even slept together while we were in a committed relationship).
  • That he used my trust in him to have multiple affairs and hookups; we were never in a committed relationship in his mind.

All I did was love someone, truly, deeply, and trusted that what he told me was true. This does not make me a bad person nor is it something to be ashamed of. And I will not change who I am because of this experience. I will continue to be loving, trusting, empathic and compassionate. But what I will do, moving forward, is:

Knowing what I know now has given me the closure I need to move on from this brutal life lesson. Outside of a few more stories that need to be shared, I will focus on my future, move past this, and start living my life again.

Thank you all for reading and please share this with any friends or family that you think may be involved with a narcissist. I wished someone had let me know sooner, because finding out on my own has been a very painful experience.

Credit Card Fraud — Part 1

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

The Ex knows how to game the system – the system lets criminals keep on crime-ing.

(Image credit: Shutterstock)

So today, Monday January 23rd 2023, I filed a police report for credit card fraud. Chandler AZ police report number: #23–9226.

Let me make this perfectly clear — I own 3 Short Term Rentals (STR). I created an LLC in 2018 to manage these rentals for tax purposes. Trash is in no way associated to the LLC nor is he on any deed of these properties.

He offered, as a boyfriend, to be the primary contact for one of my properties located in Chandler AZ. All other properties are managed by property managers. He offered — he said he wasn’t busy and could do it, and I mistakenly accepted.  Because he was the main contact for this property, I gave him access to my credit cards. The purpose was to purchase items for the rental property only.

Trash had access to two of my credit cards (account numbers no longer active):

  • card ending in 7767, a personal credit card I used for business management until early 2022.
  • card ending in 4757, a business credit card, associated to the LLC I used to support my STR business. Created in early 2022.

Once I created the small business account with Bank of America that was directly tied to my LLC, I switched from using 7767 and began using 4757. This happened early 2022. I got a credit card in Trash’s name so that he could purchase materials needed to sustain a short term rental, i.e. shampoo, conditioner, toilet paper, etc..

I cut Trash off from the business credit card (ending in 4757) on Aug 24th 2022 when I found out he was living with his new girlfriend Laura. He of course was livid. Once he knew it was over — that I wasn’t buying his lies, he began using the first card he had access to. I thought he gave the credit card back, but clearly he did not.

We broke up on August 24th 2022. He began using the card on September 8th 2022. I did not realize this until I received the statement. There should not have been any charges on the card as I had migrated to the credit card associated with my business (ending in 4757) and the personal card (7767) was dormant.

Somehow Trash still had the card. And he began using it in September 2022, mere weeks after we broke up. By Sept. 16th 2022, he had charged a total of $1057.62 to the card. When I learned of the charges, I filed a credit card fraud case with Bank of America:

He clearly made charges for gas, Amazon purchases, and even tried to hire a lawyer — Cardis Law Group — I assume to help him fight the eviction case I started on Sept. 8th 2022 (story here: The Eviction Process).

Ultimately Bank of America found all these charges fraudulent.

Given this confirmation from Bank of America, I filed a Police Report with the Chandler AZ police department (Police Report #23–9226). I filed the report with Officer Swanson. He took the report then called Trash to get his side. Officer Swanson called me back and stated that Trash did admit to making the charges stating that the card had his name on it. That’s some kind of logic isn’t it???

Officer Swanson told me that because Trash did indeed have a card with his name on it, these charges to not meet the criteria for Credit Card fraud (like the DirectTV fraud does). So again, this has to be dealt with in Civil Court (along with all the stolen items They Steal What You Love — Part 1).

So once again, Trash gets away with NOT being held accountable in the criminal court system. It is ridiculous to me that conmen like this continue to get away with this — theft, fraud, active deception, and breach of trust/contract. Again, I go back to my experience that the system is set up for criminals to crime. Nothing more, nothing less.

The laws need to change. If there is anyone out there that knows how to change the laws and needs an advocate for why changes are needed, reach out to me. I will stand with you. These criminals need to be held accountable.

Lessons learned:

  • NEVER mix business and personal. I will never ever again give access to my credit cards to anyone else. I will manage everything myself. If I begin to feel overwhelmed, I will sell a property or hire someone to help. Period.
  • Always cancel credit cards you are not using. I did not do this because there were still some monthly charges that Trash was supposed to transition to the new card. He did not. I should have taken care of this.

At the end of the day, I will never be too busy with work and my side hustle to not protect myself. I will never trust a partner to do the right thing. I will make sure that I take care of anything and everything. Because at the end of the day, this is my livelihood.

It’s Been a Rough Year Thus Far.

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28B9E8D5-E568-4227-85C6-5B02FFD960AF(Photo from the paradise fires, if you know the photographer please reach out, happy to give them credit).  I found this photo searching for “scorched earth”.

 

This year, at best, has been difficult.   My heart still aches with loss.

You see, in mid-January, my second week on the new job, @AbFab decided that I was no longer a participant in her family.  She said, via text and email, a lot of very selfish and hateful things.  The end result is she disowned her side of the family.   I understand why she would want to sever ties with her mother. I also understand why she was so angry with her grandparents (my parents)…   but for me?  I’ve done nothing but be an advocate for her AND her family.  I have no idea where the hate and anger came from…  but she wrote things that she cannot take back (She would not speak me on the phone so all her venom was spewed via text and email).

In the dark of night, she picked up and moved most of her family to another state. She left me hanging financially and emotionally – which she said I deserved, because I “owed her” for transgressions yet to be fully explained.  In addition to leaving me very financially vulnerable, she abandoned her oldest daughter @Mayonaise with her father, who is a horrible, terrible person.  My heart breaks everyday knowing this little girl has little to no chance of success given her surroundings.  All you have to do is watch 60 Days In to see what kind of person he is – @Mayonaise’s dad is a career druggie/criminal. Has spent his entire life stealing from others, has been in and out of jail forever.  Has never paid child support and is always scamming someone.    Don’t even get me started on the Juvenile justice system that allows a person like this to have custody of a child.   If they cared for the best interest of kids, this man would never be allowed to look at a child, much less be allowed to let one live with him.  Ask me about how his pedophile uncle exposed himself to the kids multiple times and he did nothing about it, when he was forced to report it, Child Protective Services did nothing about it.  Any kid not born of two well-to-do parents is fucked.

@AbFabs revelation could not have come at a worst time for me – I was two weeks into my new job. I’m doing my best to hold it together, living out of a suitcase at a friends house during the week while my cats lived with a friend because I had just been scammed out of an apartment (paid $7k for 3 months).. So instead of being all set up for my new job, I was stressed about a roof over my head for myself and the cats.  I was miserable to say the least.

Then, Jan. 25th – the barrage of nasty texts from  @Abfab.  No warning,  Just venom.  Shocked me to my core.  My entire world was turned upside down. I had to cut away from work to get a new phone number (we were on a family plan that they kicked me off of)…  hate spewing from my phone, going off like fireworks.  @Abfab felt entitled to say whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted with no regard for anyone else. Somehow she was the victim…

This was 7 months ago.  I have been so distraught, barely able to  get myself to work every day, living in a fog.  I have slowly come to terms with the situation, and am just now sharing this news with friends.  Yep- my heart is broken – the situation weighs heavily on me.  I feel now much like I did after my divorce… Who am I?  What do I care about?    How do I give my life meaning?    I do not know the answers to these questions.  This situation has changed me – I am not myself anymore.  Once again, I’m trying to figure my shit out.

So for now I am doing my level best to get up and go to work everyday; to get work done so I can continue to collect a paycheck.  As soon as this stops feeling like a chore I’ll  incorporate other self care activities into my daily regimen.

This is probably enough news for one blog post.

I’ll post more later.

I hope all is well on your end and that 2019 has treated you well.

Preparing For A New Adventure.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

next-step-journey

A week from Monday my life changes – I officially start my new job!  It is a big deal because a) I am temporarily relocating to the Bay Area, and b) I am transitioning into a new role.  I am not looking forward to being back in the Bay Area BUT I am excited about:

  • My manager…  She has many years of experience as a manager and running a global organization.  She knows her shit AND she is cool beans.  I am looking forward to working with someone I can learn from (finally).
  • The industry…. the industry is changing and I will be a part of of the transformation.  My company is kick-ass and I am thrilled to be working with them to change the face of the industry, and becoming an industry expert in the process.
  • the role… I love putting things together.  My new role is all about putting pieces of the puzzle together, for prospects and customers, and seeing a solution come to fruition.  This makes my heart sing.  🙂

Even with all of this positive energy, I am also experiencing melancholy and loss.

I am melancholy about leaving (temporarily) my life here in Utah.  I love it here.  I love being close to AbFab and her family and the Utah community has been kind to me.  Even though I do not know many of my neighbors, I feel looked after and cared for.  People are watching and I like that.  Here are a few examples:

  1. When I am away, people take my trash and recycling out to the curb.
  2. When there is a heavy snowfall, someone snowplows my driveway.  I don’t ask for it, people don’t ask for recognition, they just do it.  I’d love to thank them, but I don’t know who they are.

I know these are small things, but I did not experience this in CA in the last 10 years I was there. Even when I lived in my house..  and when I was a renter… forget about it.  This small acts of kindness make me feel better, and have had a positive influence on me – I feel they make me a more aware, kinder person.  I remember these acts of kindness and it makes me smile and pass it onto others.  All around, moving to Utah has been a very positive experience for me.

The loss is Baby Boy.  Baby Boy is the cat I rescued from AbFab’s family after their tragedy.  I loooooovvvee him so much.  He is my favorite cat – so easy to love, such a sweet, caring, lovebug…  BUT I am overwhelmed with the chaos that will become my regular life… Sophie and Zoey (babies I adopted in 2005/2006) are used to the travel and chaos, Baby Boy is not. Because of this, I made the decision to find Baby Boy the forever home he deserves.   I found a home for him with a wonderful woman and her sidekick, an adorable cat-loving dachshund named Tucker.  Based on the pictures I have received, he loves his new mom…. but he isn’t so fond of Tucker.  Tucker attempts to play with him but Baby Boy will have nothing to do with him.  So sad.  😦   I am in constant communication with his new mom – we will monitor his progress. If he does not acclimate by mid-February, I will take him back.  For now we are crossing our fingers that Baby Boy will learn to love Tucker and all will be good.  Here is a picture of my little angel. He is the best cat in the world.

img_0204.jpg

I am heartbroken about my loss.. He is so lively, so personable, so loving.  I am devastated.  I’ve been crying for 5 days straight now.  I’m crying right now as I write this post.   It feels awful, not natural to not have Baby Boy near me.  A piece of me is missing, my heart is truly broken.  But a new, loving, stable home is what is best for Baby Boy so I have to move on.

So through my tears, I am packing up, organizing my stuff, covering as much of my furniture as possible (remodels are messy), and prepping the cats for the drive/change.  I will be driving to CA with the cats early this week.  Yes there is a lot of weather – wind and snow – I am keeping an eye on the weather and will make the journey when it is the most safe.

I will speak more to the job and the Utah house remodel in the upcoming months.

I’m always looking for feedback – Please share what you have done to better enable yourself for a new life.. or how you have dealt with the loss of a loved one…   I would greatly appreciate any/all feedback, guidance, and words of wisdom.

 

 

 

Life Is a Bumpy Ride.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

bumpy-ride

Hello all!

Life has been bumpy these last few weeks (months is it now?).  Things have NOT turned out at all close to how I planned them.

Employment.  Yes, I resigned. Now that I’m out, I realize I made the right decision for my sanity and physical health.  And boy, do I looooovvvveee not working (I still keep plenty busy, it’s like I have a full time job taking care of me!) .  But I am not independently wealthy.  My home in CA has not sold (see below) and I don’t have enough savings to support myself for an extended period of time…so my dreams to go back to school are on the back-burner and I need to get job (yes, that heart wrenching wailing in the background is me).  Deep sadness set in… and I got through it.  I put on my big girl pants, assessed what I want to do (no more Customer Success, it’s a thankless, shit job – more on this in a later post).  I figured out what I want to do and the kind of companies I want to work for. Married these two… and voila, found a a job.  I signed an offer of employment this week. It is a bittersweet moment for me.

  • I love the company and what they are doing.
  • Every person I met was wicked smart and incredibly nice.
  • I believe they will be tremendously success at what they do (yes, another startup).
  • I know I can be successful in the role and there is a lot of room for growth.

The not so great part?

  • I have to go back to work (boo), and
  • I have to move back to the Bay Area…

Yes, the cats and I will be moving back to the Bay Area, at least for the first 6 months of 2019.  Not at all sure what this looks like or how it is going to happen… I just know that it has to happen. That I need to make it happen.

 

O.k.. 2nd big unexpected turn.  Retirement.  My House in CA.  It has not sold.  It’s been on the market since Oct. 17, 2018. I received one low ball offer which I declined.  It has been on the market long enough that folks think something is wrong with it.  As of now,  I own and am paying the mortgage on an empty house in California (not a cheap endeavor).

Here is the sad truth.  I knew the market turning in Northern CA back in early Summer.  I could feel it (I study real estate in my spare time). I approached the agent in June 2018. I was ready to go.  But I let my realtor talk me into two things that I regret. I only bring this up as to remind you that you should always trust your instincts.  AT 47, I wonder why I discount my intuition. Most of the time (if not all times), the trouble I experience in life is because I DID NOT trust my gut. Shame on me.

So the two worst pieces of advice that I followed are:

  1. Remove tenants and stage the house.  I had wonderful tenants. The lived cleanly and took very good care of the property.  They wanted to stay in the home while it was up for sale – they agreed to cooperate with the agent and all showings. My agent said that it was not best for a home to be occupied during a sale.  So against my better judgement, I gave the tenants 60 days notice to move out. It pains me to know that I am paying a mortgage and the costs to stage a home just so it  looks like its lived in.  The irony is not lost on me.
  2. Turn town an private offer – “you are better off listing your home”.  The tenants that moved out wanted to purchase the home. They made a healthy offer.  The realtor recommended that I do not accept their offer and that I put the house on the open market as I am more likely to get more $$ if there are competing bids.  Yes, there is truth to his statement, but it is not the norm.  Not sure why he did this, he probably would have made more commission by representing the both of us in this transaction.

I feel like someone who’s profession it is to read and know the market would NOT offer this advice given the market conditions.   If I were to do this again, I would do it my way, and if the realtor didn’t like it, I would find another realtor.

Anywhoo… the house has not sold, I just put it on the rental market.  Please cross your fingers and toes that I get amazing tenants soon.

 

Last but not least, I am living through a home remodel in my home in Utah. I am immersed in it.  It started the week before Thanksgiving.  The project is to remodel 2 bathrooms.   The first bathroom, the guest bathroom, was demolished the Friday before Thanksgiving.  It is scheduled to be complete by Friday, Dec. 14th.  That will be exactly 2 weeks late, which means the 2nd bathroom remodel is delayed, not set to start until the guest bathroom is done (I need at least one toilet and shower).  This has a direct and negative impact on my schedule now that I have to move for my job (see above).

I do love the fact that I’m doing the remodel and that I found a contractor I trust, but shit, this is hard.  It is so dirty and messy, it cannot be good to breathe in all the fumes and particles.

Cost wise, I’m on budget on materials and labor…

  1. The contractor and I agreed to a fixed labor amount for the totality of each project, so the longer the project goes, the more it eats into his profits.  My guess is that the delay in the first bathroom can be made up on the 2nd bathroom..  He now has intimate knowledge of how the house was constructed and what to expect. FYI – the delay is NOT due to me – all items, parts, pieces, and the like are available to him.  Any timing delays have been due to lack of detail on his part. As of now he has NOT asked me for more $$.
  2. Cost of items are on target with my expectations.  I am a bargain shopper and have been cost conscious.  It helps that I know exactly what I want, so finding it on sale is easy, especially during the holidays.  🙂  BTW, Amazon is AMAZING.  I found some of the best deals on Amazon – prices were competitive, but shipping (2 day prime, hell yes!) was what sealed the deal.  When I say items, I mean tubs, toilets, shower sets, etc… construction stuff.  It’s insane what you can find on Amazon and the prices are very very competitive.

FYI – I spent a LOT of time trying to shop locally to little avail.  Its too bad as I do not want a world where we don’t have local options…

 

All of these elements is not what I expected or envisioned for myself.  But this is how the cards are folding for me.  I have made decisions – the best decisions I can based on my options at this point – so now it’s a matter of moving forward.

Ever forward.

I have so much more to share, but this is a lot to absorb in one post.  For those of you that I owe a response to, I’m sorry for my delayed response.  I have been super busy and a bit overwhelmed and stressed with everything going on.

Last but certainly not least, please keep your comments and words of encouragement coming. Hearing from you makes a difference to me -makes me feel connected, tethered, to others…    so thank you for those that have reached out. I greatly appreciate it!!

xoxo.

I’m Doing My Level Best Right Now.

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

L

 

 

 

 

Life is complicated right now. I have been overwhelmed by it all .. and I’ve been frozen with fear and anxiety. The top anxiety producers are:

  1. Resigning from my job. It could have been a great job.  It wasn’t – made horrible by a terrible manager and consistently bad experiences .. I call it a death by a 1000 cuts.  I know I’m not alone here – check this out – Why I Quit My Job by Life of Kai.  This is my experience so eloquently written.  I do not mean to diminish Kai’s experience as a PoC, or to diminish that the Ad Industry needs an upgrade.  But this story is my story too (I’m a white woman working in Tech).  Terrible managers and the leadership teams that support them exist in all industries.  It truly is death by a 1000 cuts (politically correct terminology is micro-aggressions).   I just wished I had the strength this woman had to recognize the problem as not mine and resign earlier.  I would have more confidence at this point and have spent less time trying to improve a impossible situation.
  2. Risking My Retirement.  Given #1 above,  I have to support myself. So I decided to sell my #1 asset – my California property.  It is my largest asset.. and I’m selling it 20 years prior to retirement.  Am I crazy?  Yes.  It feels like crazytown right now given the stock market, political landscape, and the uncertainty of the midterms.  Yes, I have a 401K and an IRA (I’ve been saving since I started my career at 24), but those haven’t grown in value nearly as much or as quickly as real estate in CA.  So in order to support myself while I look for another job, I need to sell this asset.  It hasn’t been easy to unload an expensive house in a volatile market.
  3. Planning/managing a home remodel.  I’ve been living in a shit hole. I purchased a house a year ago in as-is condition. It was a rental for 28 years before I purchased it. Everything is in original/terrible condition.  Why did I buy it? Because it was close – 4 blocks – from the family I love.  My living condition has gotten the better of me and I just cannot live like this anymore. Given the current market, finding a contractor is challenging… I finally found one.. and he is available Nov. 15th.   Yeah me!!   But #1 was unplanned and #2 has been challenging, making me stress out about the $$ I’m spending on the remodel (Yes, I put a deposit down… I need this change for my sanity)..

Yes,  I am very aware that these are all self-inflicted wounds.  On top of causing my own trouble, I obsess about being poor, not having a roof over my head, and eating cat food to survive.  What can I say, when you grow up poor, these things never leave you… I wake up physically sick every morning.  I have nightmares about working at Walmart and eating cat food to survive in my old age..  The anxiety is overwhelming.

Given all of this, I struggle every day to get anything done.  And as a Type A person that likes to get shit done, I am mortified by my state.  I literally cannot make myself do what I know needs to be done.  I am doing my best to not let it get to me and to overcome it.  I am embarrassed to share my goals with you at this time as they are tiny… but they do get me out of bed and accomplishing something each day.

Here are a few things that motivate me:

  • Daily emails from Inspire More.  I read these emails every morning and it let’s me know that a) there are good people in this world, and b) I can be one of them with a small, kind gesture.
  • Positive Interactions with Others.  Anytime I go out of my house, I focus on having positive interactions with others. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I am hyper aware of my interactions with others and do what I can to make it positive for the other person.
  • Make a difference.  I do my best to make a difference in every life I touch.  I see others doing this and it makes me happy. I don’t care what it is, if someone has passion to help others and make a positive impact on others, I’m all for it.  For me, its a small action – smiling and saying hi, listening to someone who wants to share there story, or showing appreciation for the help/kindness of others (Home Depot you are the best!!).  The kindnesses I am watching now are:
    • Marc Benioff’s effort to help the homeless.  Hands down we need more Marc Benioff’s.  I have traveled a lot internationally, and the USA is the only country that doesn’t take care of their own… makes me sad. I see how other countries take care of their people. And we, the USA, richest country in the world, do not make it priority to take care of our own peeps.  It hurts me deeply.
    • Kathrine Zellner , Laura Nirider, Alison Clayton, and any/all involved with Innocence Projects. Wow, there are a lot of innocent people serving time.  Can you imaging if this was you?  The more I research this, the scarier it is for the the innocent. I have a cousin in prison, serving a life sentence, for a murder she didn’t commit.  I’ll write more about this in a future post, but the justice system is not kind to the innocent.
    • For the Love of Farm Animals.  Why people on this planet that hurt animals is a mystery to me.  I am the person who saves spiders..  I can’t help it.  I imagine their families missing them…  and they do eat misquotes.. What does it hurt to guide them back to the great outdoors?  But what about those awesome animals bred for our food?  I have fallen in love with Esther the Wonder Pig and her friends..  I’m hard pressed to eat pork and turkey at this point in my life.  It’s easy to make a difference – only purchase food from humane farms, donate and save an animal or two, or visit a farm sanctuary near you. 

A very long, rambling post… yes I’m drinking wine…    I’ll do my best to write more consistently.  🙂

If you have made it this far, then you have probably been in a similar place.  Please let me know how you have gotten over your life challenges, how you get out of your own way, and the path that ultimately set you free..

 

Do Blondes Have More Fun? Aka the 2nd Day of The Rest Of My Life.

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

AtomicBlonde2017

I am was a brunette.  No longer. Things are different as of tonight.

I started going grey very early… in my early 30’s.  I went completely grey in my late 30’s. I blame AbFab – as much as I love her, while she lived with me, she stressed me out!  All is well now, but it was bumpy there for a while.

The first time I dyed my hair was a few months before my wedding… over 15 years ago.  As (un)luck would have it, my hair grows fast. So I have thin hair, not much of it, but what I do have grows like a weed.  Which is great until you start going grey at an alarming rate.  For 15 years I have been dying my hair every 3-4 weeks.  When I can make it to the salon I do, sometimes I have to do it myself.  Either way, it’s a pain in the ass and something I was doing religiously because I am (was) self-conscious about the “skunk stripe”.

SIDE RANT:  Why do we have pills for erectile disfunction, but nothing for women going grey??  I know why – because men are scientists, they have the money, say where the money goes… but god damn it, why can’t they invest in research that would deliver a pill that will stop hair from going grey!??! Why!?

Tonight I was at the salon, going for another “Skunk stripe” coverup.  I am sooo fed up with this routine…  I just want to remove this task from my forever growing to-do list.  I have been researching solutions/options on going grey naturally.  A few sites I referenced:

I went in for a discussion… Walked away making a decision.

Instead of going full grey (which I will do one day), I decided to go Blonde.  Yep. Blonde. Bleached Blonde.

So many options, why did I go this route? Because grey isn’t an option for me in this stage of my career.  I just resigned (another blog post soon!) and I need to find full time employment. I am 47 – smart as hell, but being 47 in an industry (tech) where agism is rampant, the cards are already stacked against me. Don’t believe me?  See here, here, and here . Most women are washed up after 35, “too qualified” is what they call it.   I’m lucky I look young and have made it this far.  But shit howdy, if I showed up for an interview with a skunk stripe or with a full head of grey hair…… forgettaboutit.

So now I am a Bleached Blonde.  I do still have a skunk stripe, but it is not nearly as noticeable as it used to be (somehow grey and blonde blend). Why didn’t I also rid myself of the skunk stripe?  Because I want to wait and see.. get over the shock of what I’ve just done, adjust to the blonde…  and figure out the next steps at my next appointment.  Which is in 2 weeks.  In the meantime, I will be using a “purple shampoo” when I wash my hair (forget why this is important) and otherwise conditioning the hell out of my hair (bleaching dries your hair considerably).

My resignation was a choice – I am changing up my life. Worked sucked. Everyday was horrible. I had become depressed, it was having a direct negative impact on my outlook on life.  My manager (a she) was the worst. Talk about microaggression – if there was an Olympic award for this, she would easily win the gold.  I’m wise and financially stable enough to know I don’t have to put up with his.  Yes I went to HR. Over 6 months ago. They did nothing. HR is in place to protect the company… not the employee.  I have so many stories.. and will definitely write more about this.

For now, I am focused on taking care of myself.  I started a 6 week bootcamp to whip my ass back into shape (20 lb weight loss or 6% fat loss guaranteed or my money back!)..  I’ve bleached my hair, and I am searching for a job that I am passionate about (cybersecurity here I come!!)..

So today is the 2nd day of the rest of my life.  Let’s do this adventure together!!

Would love your words of wisdom, tips, tricks, or any advice you have… I could certainly use the support while I transition to a new, healthier, happier way of life.

Muah.

life-is-too-short-to-wait-lettering-phrase-vector-17321008

Modern Day Wardrobe Malfunction.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Jogger-Pants-For-Women-5

So I have been traveling this week for work.  I love to travel. I love meeting and working  with Customers – I love to hear their stories, understand their goals and aspirations, and relate to them in a personal and professional way.  When I am able to make a difference in their work life, it makes me feel really good. I gain great pleasure seeing them “get it” – when they learn that there is a different, better way.  Makes my day.

This article is not about my work travel and adventures, my passion for travel, or how much I love my customers.  It is about picking the wrong clothes and packing too lightly- aka a modern day wardrobe malfunction.

Having been through hundreds of airports, on thousands of flights in the last 20 years,  I like to be comfortable when I travel (who doesn’t?).   I used to travel in my business wear – skirt, high heel, silk blouse….  no longer.  I like to look fashionable but be comfortable.  So upscale “active wear” (if you haven’t seen the Active Wear video, stop everything and watch it. Bookmark it and give yourself a good laugh on tough days).

Anywhoo, being on the curvy side, I love the Curvy Fit at Ann Taylor and The Loft.  Honestly, if you are a woman with substance, check the curvy fit out …  pants that actually fit without having to nip, tuck, hem… no tailoring!  They actually carry the Curvy fit in Petite.  I discovered this about 4 years ago and have not purchased another pair of pants since.  They fit my body and my short stature.

Well, I was with a friend a few weeks ago and we stopped into an Ann Taylor.  I find these lounge pants that have elastic at the waist and the leg bottoms.   The material is so soft… and they are more form fitting (not sloppy).. fashionable right?!?!  They definitely fit The Do of Jogger pants fashion.  I fall in love. I buy them (I never pay retail for anything!).  My vision is that these are my stylish travel pants.. with a pair of comfy sneakers or short heel, a nice t-shirt/top, a casual jacket.  I will own it – My vision is stylish AND comfy.  I. Am. The. Boss.

Nope. Vision vs. Reality.  The pants, well they stretch out.. a lot.  I purchased a Small. Based on the amount of stretch after one flight alone, I should have purchased a Petite XS.  Wow, these things went from stylish and sexy, to sloppy and frumpy in 2 hours… This probably wouldn’t be that big a deal, except that I chose to ONLY bring these pants on my trip (along with a dress and a skirt)…   I look like I’m wearing my pajamas when I wear these pants.  I tried to find a picture of a fashion fail like the one I have made, but alas, there are none. Apparently no one else makes these kinds of faux-pas.  But I did find a very long article on the right vs. wrong way for men to wear suspenders. Fascinating article. 😉

Needless to say, I recommend that you do not pack a brand new pair of pants as the ONLY pair of pants when traveling. Your welcome.

What are your favorite places to purchase clothing?  @Greygoose – You are tall (I am short).. I always think about what it’s like for you to purchase clothing..  I’d love to hear your story!

 

 

 

 

 

Lovely Lady Land Yacht Bits.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment
pehrump - drive through mtns
enjoying the open road

So the Lady Land Yacht was purchased from a dealer in Pahrump Nevada.  Pahrump is about 50 miles West of Las Vegas Nevada.   When I tell people about Pahrump, they all tell me about legalized prostitution.  I had to look it up, they are right, it is where the Chicken Ranch is…  Why did I not know this???

Lady Land Yacht was sitting on a lot of what I call the “auto graveyard” – where autos go to die.  I wished I had taken a picture of this.. I think I was in shock when I first saw the whole scene.

Onto the Lady Bits and her “under the dress” bits.  The mechanics.  She has been with the mechanic for a few weeks now and they have assessed her… and it is not as bad as I thought.  There are 5 major areas that need fixing,  most of which are turning out to not be that big of a deal.

Now, I share all this with you because when you buy a used motorhome, you just don’t know what you will get.  Yes, you can have a mechanic check it out (I did), but unless you are in the same location as the apple of your eye or you know the original owner…  you take a risk.

So, on with the assessment.

First, the good news.  Brakes, belts, tires are all in good condition.  Engine is in excellent condition (with only 87k miles on her, she will last a lifetime!)..

Now, areas of improvement:

  • Generator – is not getting fuel due to burned up wiring to the fuel pump. Replace these and a few carburetor parts.  The generator only has 56 hours on it.. so essentially its brand new.  Should last forever.  Now she/we can go boondocking!
  • Air conditioner blows hot air – yes, I drove this beast home from Vegas (to SLC Utah) NOT only without air conditioning, but BLOWING HOT AIR.  In July. Yes. You read right. This is story for another day.  The reason for the hot air? There was a “crack in the cap”. The cap was replaced and cool air is now blowing.
  • Steps not operational – the stairs that get you into/out of the motorhome through the main door were not working. Or rather, I could hear them working, but they were tied up, which I didn’t untie because I thought they were probably tied up for a reason. Yep. They were.  Bad wiring. Wires have been fixed and steps go up and down as needed.
  • Leveling jacks not functioning- the things that are used to level the RV when camping. You have to keep the RV as level as possible – for sleeping, but more importantly to keep the refrigerator working properly.  Gotta keep the drinks food cool while RV’ing!
  • Missing battery  – bought this lady from what I call the “car graveyard”. When I drove up to the lot, it looked like the place where cars go to die.  Seriously.  Anyway, It makes sense that a battery was missing.  He probably took it out to get another car started/sold.  It was clearly missing – the battery cage/holder was empty and there were wires that were hanging out that clearly where meant to be attached to a battery.  Anyway, I got myself a new battery which should help. 😉

So there you have it.  Not so bad. Not as bad as I thought it would be anyway.

Once I get her back I am planning on taking her to her first RV park so I can gain some new skills – RV Hookups.  Once I’m done I’m ready for the open road!

Do you live near a beautiful park you can recommend?  Have you been somewhere you would highly recommend?  Share your favorite, memorable, or bucket list places so I can check them out!!