Missed The Mark On This One.

Connections. Aren’t they great when they work out?  When both parties feel it? I love them.  Sometimes though, it just doesn’t happen. 

As you all know, I felt a connection with the Dear Paula letter writer.  I definitely felt something there, and thought it was shared…   obviously not so.  Took me a while to wrap  my head around that one, and I thought I had learned this lesson already.    I’m sad to report that this is not the case. 

So, I’ve been dating. Signed up for a free online dating website, thought I would take my chances….  whats not to like about it (besides the bombardment of men not in my criteria that email me daily)..  the off-chance that I meet someone that is not in my circle of friends that I’m attracted to is much better than if I wasn’t on the site and did not meet new and interesting folks.  I like this concept –  meeting new people that are interesting that I would otherwise not meet.  So much fun, right?!

In my limited experience so far, online dating is much like thrift store shopping. There are many things before you, but you have to decide,amoungst all the crap, what you like and what you are willing to go out with, and every  now and again, you find a gem.  I do well in this environment – picking my flavors and making the most of my dates. I’ve built my roster, yes, a roster of gents that I go out with on a regular basis.  I like all the men…  all have potential, but there was (notice the was?) one in particular, that I felt was moving forward nicely…

So, this person, I thought felt the same way- a connection (a physical AND mental attraction and a mutual desire to see more of each other). We’ve had 3 dates over a one month period.  All were great, fun, “getting to know someone” experiences in my mind:

  • the initial meeting – where we decide that we are interested in another date (that we both were representative of our profiles, worthy of moving to the next step)
  • the second date –   witty banter, playfulness, and mutual physical attraction.  We played pool, had intelligent conversation and there was definitely some flirting going on.
  • The third date –  was about mental connection in my mind – he talked about his kids,  we shared  life goals (work, retirement, travel, etc), the dissillusion of our marriages, and then our perspectives on ideal partners (I was the first person he’s been interested in since his seperation)… how easy it feels to spend time together…  We made plans for a 4th date when he returned from Dallas.

Well, last night, while out with my girlfriend, I saw Mr. TX with another woman.  Not thinking about it, I approached him to say hello (why wouldnt I ??).  He behaved very strangely – he did not give me a hug, then immediately stammered something out about the woman he was an “old friend” from TX.  Fine.  I got a very wierd vibe from him, told him to have a great night, and walked away.   But as I walked away, my back to Mr. TX, my  girlfriend got a wierd look on her face and said, “EWWHHH”.  Apparently Mr. TX and date began making out like teenagers (the date making it clear to all that they were together).  The bitter sweet part is that the folks that work the bar, which I know, said to not worry about it, (to come back to the bar later), because he was leaving “again” in two weeks for a long bike ride…  all said with a  smirk and I think a wink!  This made me think that they knew he was not an upstanding guy… not one worthy of my attention/affection.

First, he owes me nothing.  I was not expecting anything from him except honesty (which we talked about on our first date because of how crazy online dating can be).  But given the way the night played out, I am pretty sure he has not been honest with me.  I wonder if any of the things he said to me are actually true —   He told me he’s a busy executive of a small company, travels a lot, has a crazy schedule, enjoys my company and would like to make plans with me as his time/schedule permits…..    Seemed reasonable to me, but now, is any of that true?  Or is he really a used car salesman from San Bruno, who lives in a studio apartment, or better yet, with him mom?  Who knows, what I can say with certainly, is that given the wierdness last night, I’m NOT the first person he has spent time with since his seperation (blondie, his date, could probably confirm this)….

So, its very clear to me now the Mr. TX I had a few dates with is clearly not who he said he was.  I totally missed the mark.  I was a little taken aback by this.  All I could think was about being played – I was played.  And I fell for it, I let it happen.  I didn’t see it coming – never would have thought it (who does that???).   Chalk this up as another lesson learned for me —  Once again, I realize that I am nieve, I actually believe what people tell me.  When am I going to learn????   I do not want to become jaded, but I honestly don’t know if its possible to be open, honest, AND date. 

So, folks who are out there, how close do you hold the cards? How much do you reveal about yourself? How much of what someone says to you do you believe/trust?   I’d welcome any tips/tricks/advice.

9 thoughts on “Missed The Mark On This One.

  1. In Her Shoes... July 29, 2011 / 10:16 pm

    “Horseshit” is what Mr. Texas is… If a guy is “digging” you he will tell you he want’s to see and be with you, not tell you he’s busy and his schedule is crazy… really??? I had a BF like that once, I dumped his ass…. it was all “Horseshit”. – FAB BABS!


  2. kadja1 March 27, 2011 / 7:06 pm

    I am from TX. I don’t support the death penalty, don’t speak with a southern drawl, and the only ones who get long pot sentences here are usually in posession of large amounts with intent to sell. I know this because I was a sergeant in a correctional facility. I know quite a bit about the state’s penal code. As for “W”–it took the nation to vote him in and I am sure many other Bostonians did vote for him. Voters do not like that regionally biased attitude and Harold is not representative of all Bostonians since I’ve met and am friends with several. Most people are aware that not all Texans are on fire to juice the guy (or the lady) on death row either. We’re all about cutting costs and eliminating the death penalty and limiting appeals would do that.

    As for guns–I don’t own one, but I support the right for law abiding citizens to own one. They are not the ones shooting at people right and left. TX crime rates aren’t all that bad compared to others. In fact, TX crime rates are lower than in MA. I wonder WHY? I have no need for a gun since my baseball bat and can of COP work just fine for personal protection. I also plan to get a myatron. That is a stun gun that looks like a ladies personal key-chain and it’s perfectly legal. It penetrates 3/4″ of clothing too.

    As for online dating, I will not do that but that is largely due to the fact that my father married a mail order bride in the 1970’s that turned out to be a psychopath with a long history of violence. My brother and I both suffered at her hands.

    GGD has a great response there–but I can tell after one date if a guy is a keeper or not. Then again, I was a supervisor in a correctional facility so I know how to spot a con. They guys I turn down for subsequent dates either made comments about the south (and some have) or other races that I did not appreciate being that I am part Comanche Indian.

    I was also married to a guy from NYC and we are still friendly toward each other. We were just married when we were too young and we were both too stupid to make it work. I like GGD’s idea though…Maybe I should get a pocket calendar and go out with 3 at a time and use a process of elimination!



    • paulasponderings March 27, 2011 / 8:22 pm

      Hi Kadja1! Thanks for your comments!

      First, i’m dying to hear more about your fathers mail order bride.. its such a huge market, I’d love to how it happened, more about your experience..

      Second, I’m from CA. I just travel to Boston, MA for work (amoung other destinations). I do like Texas, traveled there many times. Mr TX is not representative of TX, he just lives there 50% of the time (or so he said).

      Thirdly, I’m new to this dating world.. I’m just taking it slow. I would never have known that Mr. TX was lying, nor would I suspect the other men on the roster of lying… I like each of them for different reasons and just wanted to get to know them better before pursuing any type of relationship with them.. I would highly recommend you create a roster and “parellel process” your dates… you can compare and contrast them, learn more about your likes/dislikes… and have fun in the process. Of course, I build the roster ONLY with men that have potential… there are guys I’ve gone out with once and knew it was no good… These guys do not get on the roster, ever.


  3. paulasponderings March 27, 2011 / 4:09 am

    Hi GGD… I have to give credit to one of my dearest friends for the Roster idea. She said, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket, guys don’t.”. And she was totally right.

    Anyway, the roster is about taking time and getting to know each of the guys. Its not my natural way, I’m more of a one-guy gal. But if I really want to meet someone special, I cannot serialize, I have to parralel process. I can only manage 3 at a time (given that I have a full time job AND a great network of friends). I’d highly recommend it – guys are doing it, why shouldn’t we ladies? I dont sleep with the guys, I just go do things with thenm and get to know them. Keeps me safe, disease free, and to some degree, heart-broken free.


  4. Grey Goose, Dirty March 27, 2011 / 2:58 am

    Not sure that I’m the best one to give advice on on-line dating because, although not entirely jaded and always hoping beyond hope that guys are as upstanding and honest as I am about things, I generally hold my cards pretty close to my chest. I absolutely give guys the benefit of the doubt when it comes to honesty but I try not to let it get to me when they prove me wrong.

    As horrible a mindset as it may be, i go into each date expecting nothing more than to go out and have fun, hope that he’s not a complete douche or social retard, and that’s that.

    I’m impressed that you have a rotation going! I can’t do that. Either I like them or I don’t, so I rarely keep them around (or they me) long enough to be on any sort of roster.

    Do your best not to let the idiots get to you. For every shithead you meet, there is a good guy hiding somewhere …….. just maybe not online 😉


  5. Harold Spain March 27, 2011 / 12:19 am

    Oh Bartelbe,

    we break a little inside each time we are dissapointed in our desire to trust. The disapointment of Mr Tx is like a burn, always sensative to the heat. Some people are better at FAKING IT it would seem. They are the truely damaged men that you have spoken of in entries past.They pretend to be something they can not or will not ever be, a human being. If your born with blue eyes and grew up in Mass don’t wear contacts and speak with a southern drawl.

    A south Boston accent can get on anyones nerves but at least you know who they are. (Think Ben Aflack in Good Will Hunting to get the idea)

    The fact that you still have the idea of trust is a testiment to the person you are. Being un guarded is just about the hardest thing there is in the entire world. You asshole radar will emprove I feel sure.

    keep trucking Paula.


    if you dident a already know this Texas sucks. The exicute more people than all the other states combined. There are people who will spend the next ten years in prission there for possesion of Marijuana. You can buy and then carry a pistol from Wal Mart in about 30 minutes. They gave us George W. I rest my case

    Harold Spain


    • paulasponderings March 27, 2011 / 4:04 am

      I love you harold. I so connect with your insight. Makes me want to keep on truckin’…


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