Be forwarned – I’ve had a few cocktails and I’m feeling a bit pissed about what has happened lately.
I just don’t get it. If you are a nice gal, like myself, are open and honest, the girl next door type, you get screwed. If you look great (not that I don’t look good mind you, I’m a hottie, I’m just a 40-year-old hottie), are a bitch on wheels, desperate, needy… you get a guy. I think of the men I’ve fallen for this year – all of them amazing in their own way – independent, honest, cool, different/unique… super interesting. EVERY single one of them is driven to please needy, pissy, bitchy women (including but not exclusive to their ex-wives). .
I’m great, what they want, their “dream girl” as they have all said – gorgeous, self-sufficient, independent, fun, etc… They couldn’t ask for anything better. But in the end, they drop me (and in not-nice ways)… why you ask? I’d love to know for sure. But what I suspect is that it’s because there wasn’t enough drama for them. Men love drama… makes them feel loved, needed. They want it, they need it. I think it’s totally immature, but I think this is it.
I’ve been reminiscing… the 3 men I’ve fallen for since my divorce; One that I loved with all my being; My Mr. Big, the one I would take back in a heartbeat IF he ever showed his face again.. gone. The other two had potential to capture all of my heart…. but won’t because they are still tied to ex-lives (IMO). All 3 have recoiled from a relationship with me,and I know it’s not because of me. It’s because of them. As much as they said they were ready, the were NOT ready for a mature, supportive, non-jealous, fun, loving, sexual, easy relationship. All of them weren’t ready for this for different reasons…. but for me, it’s all the same – they weren’t ready for something fabulous and fun.
As I think about this, it pisses me off. I spent 2 years figuring my shit out BEFORE I put myself out there. I wanted to make sure that I was ready for a healthy relationship… I thought men wanted the same thing. But after this year, I do NOT believe this is the case. I think when men “are ready’, it means they are ready to throw themselves out there and catch what they can (and the younger, more immature the better).
I think I’m done for the year… I’m disappointed. I don’t need a partner, I’ve got my friends, my cats, and lots of to-do’s to accomplish this holiday season… I’ll think about what I want to do for next year and focus what I need to do to get a partner as part of my New Year’s Resolutions..
So that’s it. I’m pissy.. don’t understand men… giving up on them for the rest of the year. If you have advice, I’d love to hear it, it will help figure out what I do in the New Year.
Just because you’ve figured your shit out, don’t assume that your would-be suitors have figured out theirs. Not really anyway. They may say that they have but that doesn’t mean it’s on par with your level of maturity and your view on relationships.
Men really are not all that complicated. We’re the same as you really – uncertain at times; wanting things we can’t have; longing for fulfillment and struggling to navigate the oftentimes confusing social paradigms of interpersonal relationships – am I being too pushy? Should I give her some space? Does she really like me? What’s the next step here? Am I ready to settle down or should I keep looking? Who’s next on my “roster”?
The only advice I can offer is to not take someone else’s fear of commitment as a deficiency on your part. Moving on means moving up and it’s only a matter of time and patience before the right one comes along. Faith and courage in the face of uncertainty is what separates the truly great from the rest of the herd.
I wish I had advice for you. I only know that from my perspective, as soon as I’m really okay without them, they show up in droves. Not sure what that means, exactly.
The only thing I wonder is whether you’re being playful in your dating? You sound like a playful kind of woman, but it’s hard to know how you’re acting with the men as opposed to here on your blog. My guy friends all tell me that when they’ve walked away from otherwise great women, it’s been because they get too heavy or serious (not necessarily about the relationship; sometimes just about life in general) too quickly and forget to just have fun and laugh and enjoy it. I don’t know if that’s true, because, of course, I’m not on those dates with them, but I’ve kept it in mind and consider it occasionally. So, I’m just sharing it with you as food for thought. 🙂
Wow Paula you are pissed! RIghtly so I will say. A good old vent session is a needed tool to help release the steam inside. Plus a vent session can’t sustain itself unlike a pour me frame of mind. Those can linger on for months and be self sustaining. I always suggest them, like having that fourth cocktail when sitting at home.
Try not to keep the crap guy reminder list in your pocket for to long just swap it with the I am a 40 year old hotty one.
Looking forward to an update on the no men until 2012. Good luck on that course adjustment. A loss to the single men out there but they must pay for being dumb asses.
Be well H.S.
“If you look great …, are a bitch on wheels, desperate, needy… you get a guy.”
That sounds so like my Ex and yes she has gotten a string of men.
Every time I think I have broken free she goes needy on me and I get pulled in once more.
Men often want to feel needed, it is in our hunter / protector DNA.
Anyway as a hottie, of what ever age who is fun and independent, you sound just great to me