Emotions

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

I’ve always struggled with this statement… is it true that the absence of someone makes you want them, pine for them more?  Or is it the other way, “Out Of Sight, Out of Mind”? 

I have to say, for me, I miss, with all my being, the folks I want to hear from.  I think about them, wonder about them, wish them, mentally will them, to reach out to me.  It sometimes hurts to think about them, want them to have them think about me, but not hear from them….  I have just realized this week that I think too much about it.  I’m sure my best, sure bet is to just let it all go and assume “out of sight, out of mind”.

So, does thinking about this, thinking about wanting to hear from people, men that I’m interested in, make me needy?  I’m starting to think so.   Maybe I’m less independent than I thought…   I question myself ONLY because I sway in this thought with men.. and dating.  Why?  Because I know, that even if I dont speak to my girlfriends for a day, a few days, a week, or weeks, I know in my heart of hearts that I will see them again, that they love me, I love them, and all is well.   Its just not the same with men.Men, or at least the men I’ve connected with lately (or not …. ha!!!) , just haven’t established a pattern of consistency.  Just doesn’t seem the way “they” work.  I do feel it has more to do with “them”…  that its not so much the fear of commitment, but more so the fear of committing to the unknown….   Not wanting to give the wrong impression about their intentions.   Or, thats the story I’m telling myself tonight.

I realize I’m thinking much more about this than “they” are.  My head tells me to let it go, its exactly the way that it is, and that I should take it at face value, “out of sight out of mind”.  I guess, now that ‘m traveling more, I want to make the most of my time home, so I want to “schedule” in time to see the people that I care most about.   That’s just my Type A personality.  But as much as I want that, I think that what I need to do is just relax and go with the flow (isn’t that what dating, and/or life in general is all about?)…..    I do think that if a man wanted to see me, he would call me and make a plan to see me.  Certainly, there are gents out there that ARE calling, that ARE making the effort…   it just so happens that the these are not so much the guys I want to hear from….  😉

Lordy, one of these days, there will be recipricocity….  the man/men I want to be with will actually be the man/men that want to be with me.  Won’t that be something to celebrate?    I’ll let you know when that happens.

Ever Forward.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

So I called the husband called today (He called me last night, but I didn’t hear the phone…   I called back, not knowing what he wanted…..).  We spoke this morning, had the small talk that most people do (how are you, how are the XX -in our case the cats, etc), then he hit me with the D-bomb.

 

Not only has he thought about it, he has acted on it. He has contact a person who can help with a “collaborative divorce”.  It’s an interesting concept –  Its for those who have reached an agreement and only need to complete and file the paperwork.  Apparently it’s a very simple and a reasonbly priced initative (we both were frugal).  But as I listen to all the reasons why we want to go this route, I think there are two things to consider:

  • Financial Divorce
  • Emotional Divorce

For whatever reason, we’ve been able to work thru the financial aspect of the seperation as well as a experienced sailor passes thru high winds on the carribean…   its the “other”, emotional stuff that is important, less structured, and the most painful.   The emotional divorce — forces you to think about the rest of your life  — where do I land, what do I do, how do I do it, etc.. The shock comes from the reality of it, that the tides have turnd.  I am no longer married, I am now “seperated” or “divorced”.  The soon-to-be-ex seems to have been able to navigate these rough seas much more gracefully than I have….. On one side, good for him, but on the other, less mature side, I think, fuck him (can I say/type this??)…. . 

 

Oh, and as I type this, I’m watching a TLC show about a man who is a tree – http://www.discoverychannel.co.uk/web/my-shocking-story/previous-episodes/half-man-half-tree/  what a dumbass I am for being so selfish and self-absorbed….  I have use of my limbs  and am able to work…  how LUCKY am I?