Love

Introducing The Family.

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So, I’m home tonight.  I just finished up with dinner at my favorite watering hole with ATrain.  We are doing very well…   so well in fact, that I’m taking him home to “meet the parents”.  I was thinking about it tonight, I’ve NOT introduced my parents to anyone except GFP in 5 years.  Tomorrow I’m taking the ATrain home with me to meet the parents.  5 years.  5 YEARS.  I keep repeating it because I can’t believe it.  My EX never came to Utah with me – I think he thought my family was beneath him (he was spoiled and elitist IMO), the last time he did was 2007.  That means that my parents haven’t met anyone that I’ve been with or dates in the last 5 years.   I know, I keep saying it, it’s just so surprising. No wonder they all think I’m a lesbian!  🙂

BTW, ATrain is Jewish, my parents are Mormon. I didn’t even know that there were Jewish people until I left Utah..  needless to say, there wasn’t much of a Jewish community in Provo Utah in the 1980’s… 

Finally, I should be working, I have a  TON of work to finish up before I can call it a night, but I wanted to share this momentous occasion.  I will let you know how it goes. With any luck, I’ll be able to take time away from work and actually do something fun for a change… like blog!

How Quickly Life Changes.

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Things can happen in an instant, your life can change in a matter of moments. 

I’ve experienced this first hand in such an unexpected way.  A-Train and I have spent a lot of time together since meeting back in early November.  And the time we have shared has been just magical.  I actually cried last night because I was so happy. I cannot belive how much he cares for me, how much he takes care of me, and how much I adore him. 

I just returned from spending a fabulous weekend with him in Santa Barbara.  I’ve finished unpacking, am now enjoying a glass of wine, and reminiscing about what great of a time we had.  We drove down on Friday…  spend time with his best friend – his childhood friend and his wife.  I loved them both.  I cannot wait to spend more time with them.. and we actually made plans to do that. It was comfortable and nice.

But before we left for Santa Barbara, A-Train had a surprise for me.  He had taken my car into a body shop and had a small dent fixed for me.  A dent that bugged me because I did it.  I accidentally ran into the electrical pipe that runs from the meter. It’s attached to the house, but it’s placed on the side of the house where there is a very narrow driveway.  I couldn’t see it…. when I first moved in I hit the pipe.   The mark I made on the right front fender was deep, no hiding it.  It has  bothered me, embarrassed me since it happened.   Not only because the dent is so obvious, but because it reminded me of my EX.  My EX used to always accuse me of not taking care of things. The insinuation was that I was not as good as him and that I didn’t know how to properly take care of things, that I was careless.  It really hurt me when he would say these words to me, after all, accidents do happen:

  • he accused me of “trashing” his car because I put a string-cheese wrapper in his car door pocket SO that I could throw it away when I got out of the car….
  • another time I lifted the lid on a printer and the plastic pin that holds the lid to the printer broke.  He accused me of being careless…  Honestly, I opened the lid and the thing snapped/popped…  but for the next 3 years, I “broke” the printer… and was reminded 1000 times to “be careful this time”…

Anyway, the surprise.  A-Train took my car to a body shop, had the dent repaired, and paid for it.  He did it because he knew it would make me feel better.  He wanted me to feel good.  Wanted me to be happy.  Seriously, I’ve NEVER had that kind of treatment.  As we were driving to Santa Barbara I started tearing up.  I told him how sweet he was, how nice and thoughtful it was.  You know what he said?  “I want to make you happy”.  Really?!?  Someone out there enjoys making me happy.  Wow.  I’ve never had that before.  It feels very strange.. and awkward.  It made me very uncomfortable at first… but really, after thinking about it, don’t I deserve that?  I deserved that in my marriage, I deserve that in all my relationships – To be with someone who WANTS me to be happy, that wants to do what they can to make me happy…    I feel the same way. I would go to the ends of the earth to do whatever necessary to make my partner happy…. 

So, two and a half months ago I didn’t know A-Train.  Now I cannot imagine my life without him.  I love spending time with him, traveling with him, hanging with him, and I sleep more soundly when I’m with him (I’ve had trouble sleeping for years… but not when I’m with him).  Sigh….

All I know is that life can change in an instant. My instant was a couple of months ago when CLicious introduced me to A-Train.  Lucky me.

My OCD Has Kicked In.

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Sometimes I get a bit Obsessive Compulsive.  I cannot believe it, but with all I have going on with work, with family and friends, and the holidays, thoughts of My Mr. Big keep coming back to me.  Where is he?  What is he doing? Is he happy? Not happy?  Is he thinking about me, about us, what we shared? 

I have spent the year holding back with new men… not wanting to get in too deep just in case My Mr. Big came back.   I now know I’ve been wasting my time (or maybe not, its made me pick a higher caliber of men EXCEPT for Chicken Legs.. another story coming soon), but it seems to have put me in obsessive mode.  I’ve not seen or heard from this man since April.  He has disconnected his phone, let his email expire…  he has not reach out. He has not tried to contact me NOR has he left me any avenues to do so.  Yet, I still think of him.. a lot.. too much in all honesty.  I loved what we shared, it was exactly what I want in a relationship.  But it obviously won’t work, he’s not interested. So why have I NOT moved on, found that “magic” with someone else?

Because that “magic” is so hard to find.  Sometimes it falls in your lap….   but it cannot be forcibly created.  It’s just happens, just shows up, just there…  that extra something between two people who just is.  One of my favorite bloggers, ThatPrecariousGait,  just wrote a great post on the New Normal.  I loved her insight on life, love, and moving on after  divorce.  After reading her post, I realized that my new normal, the one I enjoyed so much, was the life I shared with My Mr. Big.  I loved that life…  It’s like my favorite job.  I miss it, I want it back…

But alas, I am keenly aware that I now need a “new new normal”…  not one where I just live, waiting, hoping, that My Mr. Big comes back…  Its going to require me to get involved, to jump in to the pool of life, and get busy living.  This screams of a New Years Resolution.. I’ll keep you posted.

Here Today Gone Tomorrow.

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Thank  you to all who have written to me about Mr. Showtime and his disappearing act.  Seems like everyone has gone through a situation similar to this, man or woman..  We all seek answers when this happens, but there are actions people take that just don’t make sense.

Anyway, I’m flying home from Chicago as I post, on a Virgin America flight (best airline in the world people!!).  Since I have wireless, a computer, power, and wine at my fingertips, I thought I’d write…. give a quick update, provide a few more details on why this particular situation, Mr. Showtimes’ disappearance is so strange.

  • Time Together – we are both busy individuals, so although we were talking or texting frequently, we were only able to see each other a couple of times a week.  Sometimes it was during the week, sometimes it was the weekend.  We were not rushing into something (at least I didn’t think so)…  I thought the amount of time together was perfect – enough to keep wanting more.  🙂  We just made a point to enjoy the time we were able to spend with each other.
  • Sex – some of you suggested it might be because he got sex that he disappeared.  We had been having GREAT sex for 4 weeks, and it just kept getting better and better.  We talked about this, and how getting to know someone mentally, physically, and emotionally really makes for great intimacy.
  • Self Awareness – he seemed much more self-aware than most men I’ve met.  He seemed to understand that communication was key to a good relationship, that to be in a healthy, happy relationship, each person had to be healthy and  happy.  He had spent time thinking about what he wanted in his life, setting goals for himself, and actively working to achieve his goals.
  •  Consistent – Before he stopped calling/texting, his actions always matched his words… he said what he did, did what he said.  There was zero inconsistency in his interactions with me.

He has a demanding job and is a very active father of 3 grown kids (18, 20, 22).  Because he is busy AND has great qualities, I had originally thought that something was wrong – that he had become gravely ill, that something had happened to his father (who had stopped by for a visit AND “has limited time on this earth”)…..  And maybe this is still the case, I don’t know.  BUT, if a friend knows you are concerned and you don’t call/text them back… well, that isn’t a good friend. Certainly not someone you keep in the “inner circle” for long.

So I am sad, it’s a sad situation.  I did see potential….  so I have had a heavy heart this week while in Chicago.  I even turned down and evening out with colleagues on Monday so I could “work on my demo”, a.k.a.  have a pity party and post to my blog.  I liked him.. we definitely connected.  But alas it wasn’t meant to be…. if it was, we would still be communicating.

What I do know is that he left a few items at my house (on purpose – because he planned to come back) AND I left my eye pillow at his house and I need to get it back.  My thought is to send him his things along with a SASE and a note stating “please return the eye pillow. Greatly appreciated” and leave it at that. 🙂

Serendipity.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

OMG..  what a day. I’ve not only done what I’ve never done before, I’ve done it with someone I never thought I would do it with!!

I know, what kind of story do I have to share??!?!  Interested??!!?  Me too.   Learning something new about myself every day.

So, today was a travel day.  I had to travel back East for work …  it takes a while to travel from the West Coast to the East Coast..   I flew JetBlue (SO disappointed that they didn’t have wifi this time).. anyway, I sat down, did my normal thing… yada yada.  There was a seat change right before the flight took off.  A good looking black man got stuck in the middle seat.  Oh well, my thought was he isn’t fat so the trip will be just fine. 

We started chatting, he was really interesting.  We talked almost the whole tim (this is a 5 hour 30 minute flight)….. and he invited me to dinner when we landed.  Now I would NEVER normally do this, but I felt safe AND I have to say, finding a place to eat in Boston after 11pm has proven to be a very big challenge.  So, he knew of a place that was open, we went to dinner, shared a bottle of wine, had fantastic conversation… He then dropped me off at my hotel and guess what?  He invited me to dinner AGAIN on Tuesday.  I have a date in Boston.. my first one! 

So, first, lets take a look at this – this man is 38 (not the 50-55 range that I like), he is black (never even gone there, don’t know anything about this)…  and is really smart in a scientifc way ( he is a multiple degreed scientist who owns his own company that does something with artificial intelligence around genetics (biotech)).. 

O.k. so not the type I spend my time looking for, but honestly, I was intriqued by him – so interesting (so young… ) but I was so comfortable being my oh so charming fun self.  I shared a few personal things, like my addicton to chapstick, ice, and the Amalfi Coast .  None of these things scared him off…  Yes, I’ll let him know of the other things on the “list” in due time..   😉

Crazy day.. Had to share it with my readers…  Beats the last entry by a long shot!!!

It’s a shocker for me…   Letting go, meeting people, and stepping and letting life take me somewhere new and intersting…  Ahhh….. so good.

Got The Message. Loud And Clear.

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As much as I don’t want to admit this, I’m going to.  Blogs are a great way to keep it honest….I want to learn from this .. and I want other women to learn from this.

So, the guy I went on a brunch date with last week, the one I really liked (its been a while since I have felt that tingle.. that excitement and desire to get to know someone)  … and that he said he liked me (he did invite me back to his home after our date AND asked me out for Tuesday)…. is not interested. Yes, I got the message on Tuesday night when he texted me from a meat market happy hour instead of calling me to make dinner arrangements.  BUT,  I wanted him to say it.  So I sent him an email.. here is what it said:

“Gosh XXXX, I sure hope you have not fallen off the face of the planet.. that  would be bad news. Anyway, Woody Allen’s new movie, Midnight in Paris is opening this week.  Being a Woody Allen fan, I’m definitely going to see it sometime this weekend/next week.  You care to join me?”

His response, below. Mind you, this is the man who did not want me to leave our date (but I had to), invited me back to his house mere hours after our date to “warm his couch”…  Returned this email, timing wise, a mere 5 days AFTER our first date….

“Thanks for the update.  I think I have fallen off the planet.  You are a good person and I wish you good luck with everything you got going. I am going to be unavailable for a while.”

What did I do?  I thanked him for his honesty.. which I do appreciate.  My only guess is that he met someone between our date on Sunday and scheduled date on Tuesday that piqued his interest….    Good for him, nothing wrong with that…  Just saying’ dating can be a challenge.

What I’ve learned is that I still got it – I can meet someone and get that tingly feeling, that excitement of wanting to know more about someone.  I spent a lot of time dating this year, waiting and wondering when that feeling would come…  Its nice to know that I can get it… 

I don’t know what this means for me or interenet dating.. My profile is hidden on the sites I was using …  I’m going to lay low for now.  Online dating does bring people together that wouldn’t otherwise meet, but I’ve not had any luck with that… so I’m going to stick close to home for now.. just get out more, do new and different things, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll meet someone who makes me tingle..  🙂

Salt Free Beans For a Year.

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So, I’m sure your question is, what  is this single, foot loose and fancy free woman writing about … salt free beans? What IS there to say about salt free beans????

Everything I tell you.  I had a date tonight. Date #2 with a guy…(I don’t think he is going to be around enough to give him a nickname)  my first date with him was last week, tonight was the second.  He is cute enough… charming enough.. interesting enough.  He is totally into me (which is flattering).  He took me to what I consider the nicest place in the town – great food, great atmosphere, and it is not cheap.    He didn’t dress up (I did, and I looked hot!!).  All in all, it was a nice evening, certainly nothing to complain about.

 But I have to say, I would take this evening and gladly trade it in for a year of salt-free bean dinners/evenings with my My Mr. Big.  We would find recipes to experiment with ….  enjoy each others company, talk, laugh.. have great sex.  All things I miss dearly.  I know that I’ve got to stop comparing potential candidates with the love of my past.  Tonight I finally realized that I’m actively seeking someone to replace him… and nothing/nobody can do that. He was something special – we had something that just worked.  

I get it – the goal is to find someone new….someone that is available,  that is interested in spending time with me, AND that I’m interested in spending time with.   I’ve not been able to do that yet…..  Anyone have advice on how to do this?

So with that, I will bid you good night…   and will write my next entry about the live bird the cats brought in 5 minutes before my date showed up….

Missing What I Can’t Have.

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Tonight was a great night. I spent the evening with a few girlfriends that I’ve not seen forever, but that are forever with me. We met 16 years ago – and caught up this evening. Honestly, we haven’t skipped a beat.  And we all look exactly the same (yes, young and gorgeous!!!).

I’m home now, reminiscing, and as good as the evening went/felt,  I feel somewhat like a loser.  I thoroughly enjoyed this evening, but I cam home with a sense of loss.  I am missing My Mr. Big tonight.  It’s just a feeling I can’t push out of my head, my heart.  I can’t help but feel how nice it would have been to see him, be with him.  He hasn’t been a part of my life in a  consistent, supportive way for 8-9 months or so now. Its a silly, stupid feeling.  I know, super silly…  but I do miss him.  Why are some people harder to forget than others? Why do certain people have an impact and others are as forgettable as the last rain?  Tonight, I miss My Mr. Big more than I should.  More than I certainly want to, more than I should be given what we “officially” shared. 

So, I’ve taken a sleeping pill…  I’m crossing my fingers that it will help me fall asleep, forget my losses…  and gets me through the night so I can move on tomorrow and act as if nothing is wrong, nothing is missing….

Done with Online Dating.

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So, its official, my first roster of men is now officially done, over.  They have all turn out to be interesting people, and my relationship with each of the men turn out just as they should have. 

Yes, the roster is done, but I have zero interest in getting involved/creating another roster.  I feel so busy, and creating and working a roster is just too much for me.  What pushed me over the edge?  Plenty of Losers sent me some recommendations that included Mr. Texas.  So, they are cycling back thru their crap and offering up bottom feeders as if I wouldn’t know.  Yeahhhh… no thanks.

So, here is the rundown. 

  • Mr. Tx has put up new photos of himself. Same profile – looking for the one special woman.. yada yada yada. Whatever. All bullshit…  now I know. Now we all know.
  • Chicken Legs is a great guy, and he would make anyone a great partner.  BUT I”m the one with the problem – I’m just not sexually attracted to him. So now I have the responsibility to have the “just friends” chat with him.  I’ve not done it yet because with all my birthday celebrations and his commitment to his kids, we’ve not seen each other.  Friends say I should do it over the phone, but I personally would want someone to tell me this kind of stuff in person.  so, thus, I wait until our schedules align and I can see him again.
  • My new Man Friend, my GirlFriend Peter. Forever known here on out as GFP.  This is the last man to fall off the roster. He is a fabulous person.  We met at a bar (not online), and have been dating (no sex, no nothing, just honest, old fashioned dating) since January.  I invited him to my friends party this Friday (I thought we would have fun AND he likes all the same things my friends and I like), and he invited me to his family party on Sunday. I loved both events – he loved my friends, my friends loved him.  I loved his family, they loved me.  You would think this was a date…   but went as friends.  And we had a blast.  And I’m ok with this .  I brought it up because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page….  and you know what he said to me?  he said, he has had a lot of loss in his life this past year (he lost both his mother to cancer (he was her primary caregiver) AND he broke up with his girlfriend of 6.5 years).  He feels that we really connect (we do), and he doesn’t want to lose me because something goes wrong in the lovers arenda.   I told him I am just fine with friends.  And honestly, I think this man is going to be in my life forever.  He is kind, generious, sweet, loving, intellegent, and so interesting. We always have a great time….   I don’t see this changing.  So, no love connection, but a new friendship…  There is just nothing wrong with this.

O.k. .so tonight, right now, I am disabling, deleting, or whatever I need to do to get rid of/hide  my Plenty of Losers account. 

So this is it, I’m done with online dating for a while now.  I don’t have the time or energy for it. Iv’e got at least one lifetime friend, and if Chicken Legs and I can get to the friends stage, well then I’ve made two great friends.  How lucky am I, to have new people, spectactular people, enter my circle of friends?

I’m going to start doing a few more things, go out with friends, and just be myself and enjoy the time that I have.  I would like to meet someone that I want to spend time with… but right now, I’ve got so many great things going on, only someone really special is going to do it for me.  And I have to say, I’ve not met that many great guys online or thru friends..   So, now I’m going it alone…..   I dont know what this means or how this is going to work,   maybe it won’t. But I’m not in a hurry to find someone…  so we shall see.

Wish me luck!

Happy Birthday to Me!

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Yes, that’s right, I was born 40 years ago, on Mothers Day.  I know, what a tragedy blessing for my parents.  Oh, and I think I’ve forgotten to mention that I’m a twin – so my mom and dad had TWO of me at the same time. 

I have been celebrating my birthday for the last two weeks.. out almost every single night with a friend or two.  I am SO LUCKY to have such love and friendship in my life.  I know, I don’t have the “trappings” of a successful 40-year-old – I don’t have a man, I don’t have kids.  But I’m so happy!  I don’t think I’ve ever been so consciously happy.  So I’m 40 .. look at me – happy, healthy, and with a tremendous amount of love in my life.

Here’s a quick list (umm hmm, surprise, a list!) of my celebratory activities:

  • I went dancing last weekend in SF with a few of my best girlfriends – Love In The City Weekend
  •  spent the week catching up with really good friends, even had  a ‘pool party’ with one of ’em!
  • this Friday night I went out with my local crew and had another impromptu dance party.   Trapeze is my all time favorite restaurant and they treated us like royalty.  Then a few of us headed over to the Vinyl Room, a local bar/dance place, and danced the night away until others started arriving…  We are always up for starting a dance party (we love an open dance floor)..
  • Last night I had dinner with my fist best girlfriend – Bitter Betty (my name is/was Pissy Patty)… more about our friendship below…

Bitter and I were inseparable…  we did everything together.  Our friendship waned when I lost all confidence in myself and became a recluse (yes, much like what happened a few years ago)…  We talked about this last night.  What I love about Bitter is that we haven’t skipped a beat – its like we’ve never been apart.  I love this woman – she is amazing, smart, absolutely stunning, and the nicest person I’ve ever met.  When I was feeling ugly towards other people, I used to think to myself, “what would Bitter do?” … Bitter would always smile and just move away from the bad energy.  O.k.. so yes,  I love this woman!  So glad we have reconnected after all these years, and that she is still her same, sweet fabulous self!  Go Bitter!

O.k.. as you can see I’m living life to the fullest … I am finally 40 (been waiting years for this moment)…   as a friend said to me this morning, “Glad you finally grew up and have joined us at the adult table”…    That’s right, today, I’m officially a grown up!!