My OCD Has Kicked In.

Sometimes I get a bit Obsessive Compulsive.  I cannot believe it, but with all I have going on with work, with family and friends, and the holidays, thoughts of My Mr. Big keep coming back to me.  Where is he?  What is he doing? Is he happy? Not happy?  Is he thinking about me, about us, what we shared? 

I have spent the year holding back with new men… not wanting to get in too deep just in case My Mr. Big came back.   I now know I’ve been wasting my time (or maybe not, its made me pick a higher caliber of men EXCEPT for Chicken Legs.. another story coming soon), but it seems to have put me in obsessive mode.  I’ve not seen or heard from this man since April.  He has disconnected his phone, let his email expire…  he has not reach out. He has not tried to contact me NOR has he left me any avenues to do so.  Yet, I still think of him.. a lot.. too much in all honesty.  I loved what we shared, it was exactly what I want in a relationship.  But it obviously won’t work, he’s not interested. So why have I NOT moved on, found that “magic” with someone else?

Because that “magic” is so hard to find.  Sometimes it falls in your lap….   but it cannot be forcibly created.  It’s just happens, just shows up, just there…  that extra something between two people who just is.  One of my favorite bloggers, ThatPrecariousGait,  just wrote a great post on the New Normal.  I loved her insight on life, love, and moving on after  divorce.  After reading her post, I realized that my new normal, the one I enjoyed so much, was the life I shared with My Mr. Big.  I loved that life…  It’s like my favorite job.  I miss it, I want it back…

But alas, I am keenly aware that I now need a “new new normal”…  not one where I just live, waiting, hoping, that My Mr. Big comes back…  Its going to require me to get involved, to jump in to the pool of life, and get busy living.  This screams of a New Years Resolution.. I’ll keep you posted.

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4 thoughts on “My OCD Has Kicked In.

  1. thatprecariousgait December 25, 2011 / 7:37 am

    Thanks for the reference! 🙂

    Funny thing is — and I didn’t mention it in my post because it wasn’t the point of that one — my FIRST new normal after my divorce also involved a man I loved senselessly and long after he’d moved past me. I did just as you’re doing — held myself in some kind of emotional limbo, waiting for him to reappear. It was only once I was really over him (months after he’d fallen for someone else!), that I realized I’d been holding my breath. It’s a terrible way to live, but, like you, I’d loved our relationship and wanted that to be my permanent normal. 🙂

    In my case, it was a blessing that he left bc I later realized he is a terrible person, but during our relationship, I couldn’t see it. Now, even though my relationship with James can be bumpy, I can see and feel the difference… What we have could be sustainable as a “new normal”… unlike that earlier relationship.

    So maybe your new, new normal is just around the corner, packaged with that next guy. :-). Good luck!!!

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    • paulasponderings December 29, 2011 / 8:20 am

      Thank you for your reply and the hopefulness of “the next new normal”.. I really enjoy reading your blog, I find you very insightful… Seems like we have shared a lot of similar experiences, and I love reading about how you handled them … I look forward to reading a lot more about you and your family. Havea wonderful 2012.

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  2. Herald Spain December 21, 2011 / 1:31 pm

    Well Paula, you hit the nail on the head. Mr. Big is not the man for you. Not any more anyway. I am sorry for being so blunt but the man you loved does not live here any more.

    Take all those wonderful memories and find a place you can keep them and enjoy them when the time is right. To keep expecting him to walk back in is not fare to those you are seeing and especially not to yoursel. He was and always will be a huge part of your life but that part is your past not your unlimited future.

    Jump in and swim for the other side of the river. The current looks swift I know but I bet your a better swimmer than you think and the best part of swimming is when you get out your not all sweatty.

    Be well H.S.

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    • paulasponderings December 29, 2011 / 8:23 am

      Hi Harold. You are the best cheerleader ever! I’ve spent a large part of this year holding my breath, waiting for him to return. Funny how its obvious to others that he isn’t/wasn’t coming back… I was hopeful.
      2012 will bring changes for me… I’m breathing now and will leave myself more open to real love again.

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