dating

Meet The Sig Others Weekend.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

Last week it was visiting my parents in Utah. This weekend ATrain and I spent the weekend in the city that never sleeps:  NYC babe! 

Unicorns and I were talking a month back about how much we wanted to see each other…and meet each others new beaus.  She found a great deal on hotel rooms on our company CorperatePerks website. We booked the rooms, bought tickets for the The Book Of Mormon show and the plan was made.  In addition to meeting up with Unicorns, GFP also happened to be in NYC with his new girlfriend…So, we had ourselves a “Meet the Significant Others” weekend in New York City!

We stayed at the Waldorf Astoria, a great older hotel with larger than normal rooms.  We upgraded our room to get a King+ junior suite so the room was bigger than normal.  It had additional space that had a couch and a few chairs (and a unstocked wetbar).  It was really nice. 

Friday night we all had drinks at the Waldorf then off to dinner at a great French Bistro on the Upper East Side.  Saturday we all did our own thing during the day. ATrain and I met up for drinks/dinner with Unicorns and her new beau. GFP did his own thing with his girlfriend….

Sunday was a lazy day but we had to meet early for dinner because we wanted to eat before our show, which started at 7pm.  We had dinner at Becco.  I have to say that I wouldn’t go there again.  The food wasn’t that great, the service was o.k..  our waitress was great but the restaurant was way too crowded.  Why? Because they put up to 6 people at a 4-top.  They sat a family down next to us, where one of the diners  basically was sitting in Katie’s lap…   It really wasn’t kosher.  This set ATrain off and he let the waitress know that given the overcrowding already, that it wasn’t really reasonable to put more than 4 people on the 4-top.  The waitress basically said they always do this (as I looked around the room and sure enough, they indeed do). We did end up moving to a corner in the room, in the back. It was very tight – waiters had a hard time getting to each table .. and they couldn’t even get to me. I had to lift my plate up to be served….   It was slightly embarrassing that ATrain made a big deal about it given that the restaurant does indeed do this (seemed like we were the only ones not in the know).  But I do think that the restaurant has just gone over the top with their seating there is a line that needs to be drawn with the overcrowding for a buck.  Given that the food wasn’t that great, we will not be going back there.

The Book Of Mormon musical was so much fun.  I haven’t been to a show for a very long time, and this was so funny, I’ve not laughed that hard in a long time.  There are mormon quirky things that I wished had been in the play – like how Mormons love their sugar and anything jello, the way there is a mormon caste system (born mormon is better than a converted mormon), etc.

Oh, and I saw Maya Rudolph  at the play. I said hello to her, that I loved her work.  She gave me a smirk, an eye-roll, and then just walked off (or continued walking, I don’t think she ever really stopped).  Now here is the thing – If you want to be a star, and you become a star, and then someone recognizes you, why don’t you just say “thank you”?  Why be an asshole about it?  I’ll never get it.  You spend your entire life to become a star, you dream to be a star, and when you finally become one AND people recognize you as one, you snub them.  So stupid. 

Anyway, I’m on my way home now, enjoying every minute on my Virgin America return flight.  Thank you Virgin America for having  customer focused and happy employees and the nicest, cleanest planes on the market.

Introducing The Family.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

So, I’m home tonight.  I just finished up with dinner at my favorite watering hole with ATrain.  We are doing very well…   so well in fact, that I’m taking him home to “meet the parents”.  I was thinking about it tonight, I’ve NOT introduced my parents to anyone except GFP in 5 years.  Tomorrow I’m taking the ATrain home with me to meet the parents.  5 years.  5 YEARS.  I keep repeating it because I can’t believe it.  My EX never came to Utah with me – I think he thought my family was beneath him (he was spoiled and elitist IMO), the last time he did was 2007.  That means that my parents haven’t met anyone that I’ve been with or dates in the last 5 years.   I know, I keep saying it, it’s just so surprising. No wonder they all think I’m a lesbian!  🙂

BTW, ATrain is Jewish, my parents are Mormon. I didn’t even know that there were Jewish people until I left Utah..  needless to say, there wasn’t much of a Jewish community in Provo Utah in the 1980’s… 

Finally, I should be working, I have a  TON of work to finish up before I can call it a night, but I wanted to share this momentous occasion.  I will let you know how it goes. With any luck, I’ll be able to take time away from work and actually do something fun for a change… like blog!

How Quickly Life Changes.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Things can happen in an instant, your life can change in a matter of moments. 

I’ve experienced this first hand in such an unexpected way.  A-Train and I have spent a lot of time together since meeting back in early November.  And the time we have shared has been just magical.  I actually cried last night because I was so happy. I cannot belive how much he cares for me, how much he takes care of me, and how much I adore him. 

I just returned from spending a fabulous weekend with him in Santa Barbara.  I’ve finished unpacking, am now enjoying a glass of wine, and reminiscing about what great of a time we had.  We drove down on Friday…  spend time with his best friend – his childhood friend and his wife.  I loved them both.  I cannot wait to spend more time with them.. and we actually made plans to do that. It was comfortable and nice.

But before we left for Santa Barbara, A-Train had a surprise for me.  He had taken my car into a body shop and had a small dent fixed for me.  A dent that bugged me because I did it.  I accidentally ran into the electrical pipe that runs from the meter. It’s attached to the house, but it’s placed on the side of the house where there is a very narrow driveway.  I couldn’t see it…. when I first moved in I hit the pipe.   The mark I made on the right front fender was deep, no hiding it.  It has  bothered me, embarrassed me since it happened.   Not only because the dent is so obvious, but because it reminded me of my EX.  My EX used to always accuse me of not taking care of things. The insinuation was that I was not as good as him and that I didn’t know how to properly take care of things, that I was careless.  It really hurt me when he would say these words to me, after all, accidents do happen:

  • he accused me of “trashing” his car because I put a string-cheese wrapper in his car door pocket SO that I could throw it away when I got out of the car….
  • another time I lifted the lid on a printer and the plastic pin that holds the lid to the printer broke.  He accused me of being careless…  Honestly, I opened the lid and the thing snapped/popped…  but for the next 3 years, I “broke” the printer… and was reminded 1000 times to “be careful this time”…

Anyway, the surprise.  A-Train took my car to a body shop, had the dent repaired, and paid for it.  He did it because he knew it would make me feel better.  He wanted me to feel good.  Wanted me to be happy.  Seriously, I’ve NEVER had that kind of treatment.  As we were driving to Santa Barbara I started tearing up.  I told him how sweet he was, how nice and thoughtful it was.  You know what he said?  “I want to make you happy”.  Really?!?  Someone out there enjoys making me happy.  Wow.  I’ve never had that before.  It feels very strange.. and awkward.  It made me very uncomfortable at first… but really, after thinking about it, don’t I deserve that?  I deserved that in my marriage, I deserve that in all my relationships – To be with someone who WANTS me to be happy, that wants to do what they can to make me happy…    I feel the same way. I would go to the ends of the earth to do whatever necessary to make my partner happy…. 

So, two and a half months ago I didn’t know A-Train.  Now I cannot imagine my life without him.  I love spending time with him, traveling with him, hanging with him, and I sleep more soundly when I’m with him (I’ve had trouble sleeping for years… but not when I’m with him).  Sigh….

All I know is that life can change in an instant. My instant was a couple of months ago when CLicious introduced me to A-Train.  Lucky me.

Entering 2012 With A Bang.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Happy New Year Everyone! 

I wanted to give a quick update.  My holiday weekend was WONDERFUL.  A-Train is amazing.  We had the best time together… 

A-Train and I drove up to Napa early Friday afternoon. Spent 2 glorious days in Yountville, CA.  Stayed at the Bardessono Resort & Spa (unbelievable – one of the nicest places I have ever stayed), had dinner with his son and his son’s girlfriend on Friday, spent time together on Saturday (went rollerblading thru wine country), drove home on Sunday.  It was an incredible weekend – spectacular company, delicious food, amazing scenery, fantastic bike rides.  We obviously couldn’t get enough of each other because we ended up spending Sunday and Monday together as well.  Our weekend ended this morning….. 😉

I am so happy that I let go of the past, got over the age/looks reservation, because honestly, I would have missed out on this opportunity.  Even though there is a 20 year age difference, A-Train and I have a lot in common:

  • We have kids relatively the same age – his son is 24, my AbFab is 22
  • We have the same moral compass – respect others, respect ourselves, honest to the bone, transparent
  • We are both nurturers
  • We are both hilarious and make each other laugh
  • We can have deep conversations about politics, religion, and the world at large

What more could any woman ask for?  A man who cares, that can show he cares, is nice to everyone around him, is witty and intelligent,  makes me laugh so hard my belly aches, , and is an expert bike rider? 

I know, I know, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s fresh.  But thinking about him makes me smile, and I WANT to spend more time with him.  AND he wants to spend more time with me.  The more time we spend together, the fewer reservations I have.  For now, I will bask in the glow of a fabulous weekend with a wonderful person and leave it at that.  I will spend as much time with him as I can before I leave for Florida next week… as a matter of fact, he is picking me up in 30 minutes and we are going to run errands and have dinner.  So domestic, I love it!

I have also made up my mind on my New Year’s Resolutions… I will get them out and make them “official” by weeks end. 

Lastly, I promise to write a post about A-Train – how we met (CLicious introduced us while we were Happy Houring it at our favorite restaurant/bar), when we met (early November), his nicknames for me (“sunshine” and “my little treasure”), and what I’ve learned both about him and myself thru this new adventure.

Giving Thanks.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  This my favorite holiday, a time to really focus on and appreciate what I have.  I have so many great friends, I love the family I’m close to, and I really enjoy my job.  I’m very content with the way my “new” life has turned out… I’m very lucky – I’m healthy and happy.

So, onto a life update.  First, I apologize for being so out-of-pocket.  Work has been busy, and I’ve just not had the energy to write.  I’ve got a ton of things to share, but no time to share them.  A quick update below as I have to go and get ready for my big Thanksgiving dinner with GFP’s family.  GFP is currently on the roster, but over the year, we have become very good friends.  I love this man, he is definitely one of my best friends now.  He will be moving off The Roster and onto my About Me page here shortly. 

Work wise, the meeting in ATL was great, but the deal isn’t going to close this year.  Mama may not get her diamond ring for Xmas.  😦   Good news is that we did what we went to do, and there is potential to close the deal in Q2 of next year.  Works for me.  It’s a deal still on the table. Yeah. 

Family wise, AbFab, the Hubby, Mayonaise, and Shanayhay are heading to CA.  They wanted to drive vs. fly (crazy kids I tell ya). They will be here in a few weeks and will spend a week here…  I can’t wait!  I’ve taken a few days off to spend with them. A lesson I learned while my parents were here.  Yes, my parents came out a few weeks ago and I did not take any time off.  I know, what was I thinking?!?  I absolutely loved having them around, spending time with them in my hood.  My dad wasn’t feeling well so they only met one person. That person?  GFP. Yep, GFP came over and we all watched football together.  It was a very cool evening.

On the dating front, I met a wonderful man unexpectedly.  He was sitting at the bar at my favorite bar/restaurant one evening when I was hanging with CLicious.     He is smart, energetic, fun, has a job that he enjoys, loves his family (he has a 23-year-old son)..  I’ve been out with him 6+ times now.  He is a gentleman thru and thru.  He is older than me by quite a few years – by 23 years.  As you know, I like them older so this doesn’t bother me.  He is so nice to me, always thinking about ways he can take care of me.  I’ve never had a guy want to take care of me – focused on how they can contribute to my happiness.  It’s very different for me.  I’m still uncomfortable with having someone be so kind to me but this is definitely something I need to get over (I’m so used to taking care of myself, why can’t I just let that go a bit and let someone else do something nice for me?!??! This is a topic for another blog).

I’m also thinking about my New Years Resolutions.  I love setting goals for myself..  I’ll spend the next month formulating them… I don’t like Christmas – the commercialism of it all, so I choose to ignore the holiday, be a good person, and think about where I want to go/be next year…  This makes me love this part of the year. 

O.k.. I’ve got to go, get ready to hang with GFP and his family.  Please enjoy the friends and family you’ve chosen to surround yourself with, appreciate what you have, and let go of the rest.

Not Home. No Candy.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

This is the sign I hung on my door this evening.  Yep, the fun hater in the neighborhood is me.  Never thought it would be – I love Halloween….  but today, this week, this year, not me. 

Mr. Showtime and I had planned a simple party, a Napoleon Dynamite character party, where I would be LaFawnDah and he would be my Kip.   Obviously that didn’t happen.  When will I get to be LaFawnDuh??? 

I just had dinner with GFP, and I have had enough to drink to say things I probably shouldn’t… but here goes:

  • Love GFP…  because his friendship means the world to me, and there are no strings attached. I love that he is in my life… and he wouldn’t be if he was as black and white as Mr. Showtime and Dear Paula Letter Writer  were about relationships.   
  • I make the best Pomegranate Martini’s … so delicious they are dangerous.
  • Breaking Bad is the best series EVER. I just finished Season 3 on Netflix… Bummer for me.  Season 4 just finished but Hulu doesn’t have  rights to run it (along with a bunch of other shows).  I’m getting close to discontinuing my relationship with Hulu.
  • My parents are coming to visit this weekend… I’m planning a Meet the Parents night…  more deets coming.
  • Unicorns is gone.  Once again she has galloped out of my life, into her own…   she will be living in Boston soon. I can’t wait to visit. 🙂

In general, I spent the day/the last few days feeling down (Katie’s departure, The end of my time with Mr. Showtime). Its been hard to get up these last few mornings… not too hard to pick up a glass of XXX (goose, wine, etc)…   I need to snap out of it quickly….  The upcoming holidays surely don’t help.  I’ll figure something out…

Oh, I also have decided to start focusing on my New Years Resolutions.  I take them very seriously, and I need something to focus on right now…  work has been good but very frustrating, and my love life.. well.. hasn’t been that great.

O.k.. so I’m done with my public pity party.  Halloween has come and gone… I didn’t pass out OR eat any candy today……  Makes this a good day in my book.

Here Today Gone Tomorrow.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Thank  you to all who have written to me about Mr. Showtime and his disappearing act.  Seems like everyone has gone through a situation similar to this, man or woman..  We all seek answers when this happens, but there are actions people take that just don’t make sense.

Anyway, I’m flying home from Chicago as I post, on a Virgin America flight (best airline in the world people!!).  Since I have wireless, a computer, power, and wine at my fingertips, I thought I’d write…. give a quick update, provide a few more details on why this particular situation, Mr. Showtimes’ disappearance is so strange.

  • Time Together – we are both busy individuals, so although we were talking or texting frequently, we were only able to see each other a couple of times a week.  Sometimes it was during the week, sometimes it was the weekend.  We were not rushing into something (at least I didn’t think so)…  I thought the amount of time together was perfect – enough to keep wanting more.  🙂  We just made a point to enjoy the time we were able to spend with each other.
  • Sex – some of you suggested it might be because he got sex that he disappeared.  We had been having GREAT sex for 4 weeks, and it just kept getting better and better.  We talked about this, and how getting to know someone mentally, physically, and emotionally really makes for great intimacy.
  • Self Awareness – he seemed much more self-aware than most men I’ve met.  He seemed to understand that communication was key to a good relationship, that to be in a healthy, happy relationship, each person had to be healthy and  happy.  He had spent time thinking about what he wanted in his life, setting goals for himself, and actively working to achieve his goals.
  •  Consistent – Before he stopped calling/texting, his actions always matched his words… he said what he did, did what he said.  There was zero inconsistency in his interactions with me.

He has a demanding job and is a very active father of 3 grown kids (18, 20, 22).  Because he is busy AND has great qualities, I had originally thought that something was wrong – that he had become gravely ill, that something had happened to his father (who had stopped by for a visit AND “has limited time on this earth”)…..  And maybe this is still the case, I don’t know.  BUT, if a friend knows you are concerned and you don’t call/text them back… well, that isn’t a good friend. Certainly not someone you keep in the “inner circle” for long.

So I am sad, it’s a sad situation.  I did see potential….  so I have had a heavy heart this week while in Chicago.  I even turned down and evening out with colleagues on Monday so I could “work on my demo”, a.k.a.  have a pity party and post to my blog.  I liked him.. we definitely connected.  But alas it wasn’t meant to be…. if it was, we would still be communicating.

What I do know is that he left a few items at my house (on purpose – because he planned to come back) AND I left my eye pillow at his house and I need to get it back.  My thought is to send him his things along with a SASE and a note stating “please return the eye pillow. Greatly appreciated” and leave it at that. 🙂

Behavior I Just Don’t Understand.

PaulasPonderings8 Comments

So, it takes a confused heart to get me back into writing.

Life has been extremely busy since I’ve written last.  I’ve been traveling a LOT for work, my best friend Unicorns is staying with me for a while, and I’ve been actively dating.

  • Work has been great – being busy is a good thing – together with my team we are making good progress on closing a few deals.  They won’t happen right away, but we are definitely moving in the right direction.
  • Friendships – Having Unicorns in town has been fabulous.  I love having her friendship, guidance, and support around me 24-7.   As you will soon learn, its been a good thing.
  • Dating.  Mr. Showtime turned out to be fabulous. We had instant chemistry, lots of things in common, and we had a great time together no matter what was on the roster.  He even met a few of my friends – FreeBird and Unicorns, and they both gave him the thumbs up.  Honestly, up until last week, I would have said that things were progressing very nicely.

But here is the weird thing.  And guys, please pipe in because this kind of behavior is very strange to me.  It’s happened to me twice now  – the first time with Dear Paula Letter Writer, and now Mr. Showtime.   This must be pretty common behavior amongst a certain type of man?  Or is it the timing?  I realize I’m the common denominator here … maybe its me…

Mr. Showtime and I started interacting since our first date.  We weren’t able to spend too much time together, but we were in constant communication.  He would call and/or text me everyday.  He would say sweet and darling things, i would reciprocate.  A few weeks back, Mr. Showtime went to NY for business.  While he was away, he called and texted me every day.  He got back a week ago Saturday night, I picked him up from the airport and returned him to his house.  We spent Sunday morning together, took a drive before he had to go to work.  I dropped him off at his house, with plans for him to come over to my house for dinner that evening.

At the end of the day, he decided he was too tired and wanted to chill at home, which I totally understood (I would have done the same thing).  Here is how the rest of the week/weekend played out:  

  • Sunday:  even though we planned to have dinner, I had to text and call to find out what he was doing. He was tired and wanted to stay home.. got it, no problem.
  • Monday: I reached out .. he responded that he was sick.
  • Tuesday: I offered to stop by with soup… he declined.
  • Wednesday:  no contact
  • Thursday: I texted him asking him if he felt better.  Suggested we get together on Sunday.  His return text, “That sounds nice”.
  • Friday: no contact
  • Saturday:  I texted him, asked him how he was feeling.. wondering if he was up still up for Sunday.  No response.
  • Sunday:  I texted him in the morning,  sharing with him I was a bit worried and just asked that he let me know he was alive.  I got a “I’m helping my daughter move”.  I thanked him for letting me know, wished him well with the move and that I would call later.  I called in the evening, got his VM, left a brief message.
  • Monday – Today:  Left him a VM stating I’d love to catch up and he could call me anytime.

So that’s it. I’ve put the ball in his court.   It’s very strange to me that we would communicate pretty much every day since we met, and now he has dropped off the face of the earth.  But I do believe that his actions are very consistent with someone who prefers not to see or speak to me again, so my plan is to let it go.  If I don’t hear from him by later this week, my plan is to send him a simple email something along the lines of “it’s fine you’re no longer interested, but I really wish you would have told me so directly”… I’m mean come on people, aren’t we all adults here? 

Honesty, simply disappearing from the face of the earth is just rude and I’ll never understand it. I did a bit of research on this topic, ran across this article, Why Men Disappear, which gives me some clarity…   but I’m still confused that people in general are o.k. with this strategy.   My Mr. Big was able to do it, Dear Paula Letter Writer did it at the 2 month mark, and it appears that Mr. Showtime is at it himself now that we are at the 2 month mark.  Its funny, I struggled with breaking up with Chicken Legs, but at the very least we had the conversation multiple times. 

This is why I have a confused heart.  My heart is churning, trying to find a reason for it, because it just doesn’t make any sense.   I would have never expected this from Mr. Showtime (or Dear Paula Letter Writer for that matter…)  He was very clear about his interest, very consistent with both his verbal and physical communication… up until a week ago.  Just so odd….and has me searching for the why….

I should be focusing on a demo right now, but I just felt the need to get this out there.  I’m hoping by sharing it with you, you can help me figure it out, and release the confusion from my head and heart, because frankly, I’m getting tired thinking about it.  I know I’ll be fine… it’s just another blip on the radar of my romantic life.

😦

Building The Roster Once Again.

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There are a bajillion things I should be doing other than what I am doing… What I should be doing is:

  • out and about enjoying this amazing California sunshine
  • running a bunch of errands
  • doing my 2010 taxes
  • doing my expenses

Instead, I decided that The Roster is nearly empty once again and I need to fill it back up.  Empty why you may ask?

  • MM Lebanese guy – he is traveling extensively this month.. I was out-of-town last month (in Hotlanta)… I like  him, but its going to be a while before we have a chance to reconnect.  Not sure if the distance makes someone grow fonder. In my experience it does not – its been more of an out-of-site-out-of-mind thing.  I do hope he keeps in touch and calls when he returns, I would like to see him again.  But I’m not going to hold my breath….
  • Middle Seat Airplane guy – The beautiful black man I met on the airplane.  Yum!  Anyway, I’ll be in Boston later this month.. I sent him a witty email about my visit and asked him out. Yep, just went ahead and told him what I wanted – to see him again.  We shall see what he does.  If he doesn’t respond, I’m sad to say he will be off the roster. 
  • The Chef.  I had lunch with him.. He is definitely interested.  he finds me to be “one of a kind” – beautiful, kind, and sincere.  I know, he should be a keeper. But you know, he calls me EVERYDAY.  I feel stalked in a way… and maybe that’s because I don’t like him.  😦  I’ll have to do something about this one soon.

So what did I do to remedy this situation?  Took charge.  I’m a girl of action – I brought my online profiles back to life.  I checked out MillionaireMatch.com and returned a few emails, I reactivated my POF.com account, and I signed up for OkCupid.com.  I put the same profile and pictures on each site.  Here are my thoughts on these sites as of today.

MillionaireMatch.com

I love that there is a place to go and its about income.  Now I can’t get very granular in my search (only look for people in the State of CA for example), but you have to state your income and its visible..and verifiable.  I like this.  I do NOT want to date anyone that makes less than me.  So I really like this site for its honesty around finances.  I’ve got two suitors that I’m emailing with… One lives in Southern California, another lives here in Northern California.   I will definitely let you know if they turn into anything more substantial.

POF.com

Why why why did I reactive my profile?  I did a search for what I’m looking for, and it should not be at all shocking that most of the men that I saw months ago are the same ones that popped up.  And the guys that have reached out to me with winks, kisses, or whatever the flirting method on POF is… well, not that attractive or interesting.   There is one potential at this time – a man who I favorited actually wrote me and said he enjoyed my profile and would like to meet me.  A man who took initiative.  I like that.  So the ball is in his court as they say and I will let you know if anything happens.

OkCupid.com

I thought I would try this site out.  I like the interface, its easy and intuitive.  I had initially done a search online and found one guy that I thought was adorable and had a great profile.  So I registered,  completed my profile, added pictures, then favorited him.  THEN I read his profile.  And as cute and adorable he is, he’s allergic to cats.  I did send him an email letting him know I enjoyed his profile and a few other funny and witty comments.  But I do mention in my profile that I have cats, so my guess is that as charming as I am, I will not hear from him.  Bummer.  For now I’m going to just hang out on OKCupid and see what comes to me…

Oh, and one last note, the advice on the website is that women keep their dating pool open, date several men.. sorta like a roster…   I think OkCupid and I have the same philosophy on dating… 😉

So Much In Common.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

You know who I’m talking about… My Mr. Big.  Since I’ve been home and sober, my idle hands and mind have been working on all sorts of activities…  and my memories of My Mr. Big come rushing thru. Not that they aren’t with me every day, but now I’m very clear on what they are…  You will find them simple, probably trite, but they did and do mean the world to me:

  • Laundry.  We both only used 1/2 a sheet when drying our clothes.. I used to tear them, he cut them..  I finally ran out of My Mr. Big cut dryer sheets and had to cut my own.  I think of him every time I throw in a dryer sheet
  • Salads.  Of all my days on this diet, making salads for myself, not a single person, including myself, can make a salad like My Mr. Big.  I loved that he was so grown up and took the time and energy to make such great salads…and dinners (his Seared Scallops and Green Curry Chicken were better than anything I’ve ever eaten at any restaurant)
  • Exercise.  My Mr. Big was the biggest proponent of exercise.  He was into it as much as I was, often encouraged and inspired me to do better.
  • Cat Food cans.  I used to leave the cat food cans in the sink… he told me one day that it bothered him.  I now rinse the cans out and put them in recycling immediately.  What I cherish and remember is his honesty about it – It made me happy to know that I could make him happy (or at the very least not make him suffer). 
  • The Hairdryer. We both had an enthusiasm to dry all “our bits”..  every time I see or use the hairdryer, I think of him.
  • Dishes.  I hate to do dishes.  My Mr. Big was o.k. with this… I think he enjoyed doing the dishes because he knew how I disliked doing them.  He did them with a smile….  I just loved his generosity.
  • Naps. Once of life’s greatest pleasures.. and simply over the top  when you can share them with someone. My Mr. Big was a napper as well…
  • Passion.  I loved everything about him. I could orgasm just looking at him…  and it wasn’t just his looks, his gorgeous skin, but his deep kindness for people, his generosity towards his family, his intelligence…  The chemistry was just there and never waned the entire time we were together.

These are the everyday things that I adored and miss.  Tomorrow I’m going to work on a special project, which is reviving the citrus trees that are dying …. he used to take such good care of the plants.. he just knew how to care for them (like you know how to put on socks).  I was born without a green thumb, and all my attempts at keeping plants alive have been futile.  I feel I will fail at keeping these citrus trees from dying… I’m desperate to keep them alive just so that his memory of his kind care for them and gentle nature stays alive within me.   

The kindness and love, the support and blanket of love that I felt while with him still lives within me.  As much as I’m enjoying my life now, without responsibility (except for the cats, my nieces and great nieces, my financial commitments), I would give anything to have this feeling, this “partnership” again.  I think this is why I’ve not settled down.  I’ve had bad (the Ex husband), I’ve had GREAT (My Mr. Big), and the bar is high…  the guys on the roster have potential, but none have measured up as of yet (or chosen to participate).

This is why staying at home, with myself and no alcohol, is not preferred.  I run into the memory of what once was, what could have been, what I want for myself in the future.  Its so clear to me now….