What Are My Next Steps?

imageI have no idea what is next.  I have been unemployed for 10 days.  The longest I have been unemployed since I was 15.  I have spent this last week thinking about things.  My mind is a mess.. but I have tried to stay focused, to focus on what is important to me – my nieces.  They are only 6 and 8 once.. and they still idolize me.  But my mind wonders and I get very anxious – I get overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.  The fact that:

1 – I don’t have a job

2 – that I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up (or I do, but it isn’t what I’m currently skilled at)

3 – that I have zero motivation to get back “into the (software) game”.

My main goal at this moment is to stay focused in the present with my nieces.  This is where I am spending most of my energy right now.

So my life is not orderly right now (I know, very nice way of putting it right?!?).  The odd part for me is all about men – in the last 10 days,  I have had 2 men ask me out. I know.  I have been semi-ready to date again, and just as I get comfortable with this, my life turns upside down.  I met both men while employed – I met them 8 and 3 months ago.  What is interesting is that they both reached out to me just last week – within hours of each other.  It is strange to me – had one or both of them reached out to me months ago things could be very different.  Now that I’m unemployed and not sure about  my future, it doesn’t seem like the right time to start something – What if I decide to move to Turkey?  What if I move to Utah…?  What if I decide to do nothing and collect unemployment for 56 weeks?  My point is, now seems like the wrong time to start dating.

What are your thoughts? Seems like the most important thing for me right now is to figure my shit out….

Oh, I forgot to mention that A-Train has offered his 2nd bedroom up for free. So I can sublet or get rid of my apartment and live with A-Train for free. For those of you who don’t know, A-Train was my boyfriend for 2 years. We broke up in March of this year…. it was inevitable that we would not be together, but he did break up with me so he could be with someone else… which hurt.  It has taken time, but we have remained friendly, and is probably my best friend right now.

Just from a dating perspective, it’s probably not best to be living with an ex while trying to see other men.  Seems so Jerry Springer-ish…

So for those of you that don’t have your life all neatly wrapped in beautiful paper and with a pretty bow, what would you do? What have you done in this situation or a similar situation?  Love to hear and learn from your experiences.

Life Lesson #4899770.

My-heart-is-so-tiredI picked a random number for the Life Lesson number, but God, it feels like there has been too many of them as of late. How many have I ignored these past years or should have recognized?

This weekend has been brutal for me.  I spent the entire time either crying, sleeping, or getting drunk (yes, by myself).  Except for tonight – Sunday night.  I’m watching one of many movies, one of which was a foreign film, which makes me focus on the words on the bottom of the screen and not the pity party I’ve been having so ensconced in all weekend.

I can’t believe how much I have cried this weekend.  I almost didn’t go out today because my eyes are so swollen (Visine keeps the eyeballs white, doesn’t help with puffiness). And when I did go out, I cried between each stop (3 stops in total) and had to talk myself out of not stopping (stops included Home Depot, Crystal Springs Grocery, and a drop off to a local Thrift Store). I feel like I’m behaving like a child, and honestly speaking, a spoiled child.  I knew how Atrain felt, I knew how I felt, but the loss of his presence is hard…much harder than I thought it would be.  I’ve not spent a weekend alone in 3 years.  It was an odd experience, one I didn’t like.  BUT I did muster through it, I did actually finish the 3 out-of-the-house tasks. That is something.  Or at least it feels like something. I’m celebrating – with a bottle of wine no less!

I do believe the best way to finish a “first weekend without your partner” is to drink a bottle of wine and watch a foreign film.  I recommend this only because it worked for me. I am drinking a bottle from BevMo – Valpolicella.  And the foreign film I’m watching is Happy Happy.  This is classified as a comedy, this IS NOT a comedy.  It’s dark, it’s sad, I don’t know on what planet this would be considered a comedy.  But I understand it. I get the loss, the desire for sex, and ultimately the new beginnings that this movie speaks of….. It’s really about how things come to change through a physical move, a renewed focus, a new perspective. About how life can unfold as you least expect it.  It’s a cross between The Holiday, O Brother, Where Art Thou, Brokeback Mountain, and a little bit of Butter in there…   I don’t know why in the world this would be considered a comedy, but it is…

I did not do any work this weekend. Not because I didn’t think about it, not because it’s not due, but because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything outside of crying, my tasks (as listed above), or working my ass of trying not to focus on my current predicament.  Yes, I will feel the pain tomorrow when clients/customers/colleagues expected something from me and I did not deliver.  I will have to deal with that.  I am wondering how I did this after my divorce – how did I keep my job??  My thought is that my manager helped me out greatly – helped steer me in the right direction while I was not right.

So it is early – but my girls are home with me, I need to get some sleep, and pull myself together for work tomorrow.  I’m preparing for a long week ahead.  Next weekend is a girls weekend, which I’m super unprepared for ..

 

So Much In Common.

You know who I’m talking about… My Mr. Big.  Since I’ve been home and sober, my idle hands and mind have been working on all sorts of activities…  and my memories of My Mr. Big come rushing thru. Not that they aren’t with me every day, but now I’m very clear on what they are…  You will find them simple, probably trite, but they did and do mean the world to me:

  • Laundry.  We both only used 1/2 a sheet when drying our clothes.. I used to tear them, he cut them..  I finally ran out of My Mr. Big cut dryer sheets and had to cut my own.  I think of him every time I throw in a dryer sheet
  • Salads.  Of all my days on this diet, making salads for myself, not a single person, including myself, can make a salad like My Mr. Big.  I loved that he was so grown up and took the time and energy to make such great salads…and dinners (his Seared Scallops and Green Curry Chicken were better than anything I’ve ever eaten at any restaurant)
  • Exercise.  My Mr. Big was the biggest proponent of exercise.  He was into it as much as I was, often encouraged and inspired me to do better.
  • Cat Food cans.  I used to leave the cat food cans in the sink… he told me one day that it bothered him.  I now rinse the cans out and put them in recycling immediately.  What I cherish and remember is his honesty about it – It made me happy to know that I could make him happy (or at the very least not make him suffer). 
  • The Hairdryer. We both had an enthusiasm to dry all “our bits”..  every time I see or use the hairdryer, I think of him.
  • Dishes.  I hate to do dishes.  My Mr. Big was o.k. with this… I think he enjoyed doing the dishes because he knew how I disliked doing them.  He did them with a smile….  I just loved his generosity.
  • Naps. Once of life’s greatest pleasures.. and simply over the top  when you can share them with someone. My Mr. Big was a napper as well…
  • Passion.  I loved everything about him. I could orgasm just looking at him…  and it wasn’t just his looks, his gorgeous skin, but his deep kindness for people, his generosity towards his family, his intelligence…  The chemistry was just there and never waned the entire time we were together.

These are the everyday things that I adored and miss.  Tomorrow I’m going to work on a special project, which is reviving the citrus trees that are dying …. he used to take such good care of the plants.. he just knew how to care for them (like you know how to put on socks).  I was born without a green thumb, and all my attempts at keeping plants alive have been futile.  I feel I will fail at keeping these citrus trees from dying… I’m desperate to keep them alive just so that his memory of his kind care for them and gentle nature stays alive within me.   

The kindness and love, the support and blanket of love that I felt while with him still lives within me.  As much as I’m enjoying my life now, without responsibility (except for the cats, my nieces and great nieces, my financial commitments), I would give anything to have this feeling, this “partnership” again.  I think this is why I’ve not settled down.  I’ve had bad (the Ex husband), I’ve had GREAT (My Mr. Big), and the bar is high…  the guys on the roster have potential, but none have measured up as of yet (or chosen to participate).

This is why staying at home, with myself and no alcohol, is not preferred.  I run into the memory of what once was, what could have been, what I want for myself in the future.  Its so clear to me now….