Paula's Ponderings

You know who I’m talking about… My Mr. Big.  Since I’ve been home and sober, my idle hands and mind have been working on all sorts of activities…  and my memories of My Mr. Big come rushing thru. Not that they aren’t with me every day, but now I’m very clear on what they are…  You will find them simple, probably trite, but they did and do mean the world to me:

• Laundry.  We both only used 1/2 a sheet when drying our clothes.. I used to tear them, he cut them..  I finally ran out of My Mr. Big cut dryer sheets and had to cut my own.  I think of him every time I throw in a dryer sheet
• Salads.  Of all my days on this diet, making salads for myself, not a single person, including myself, can make a salad like My Mr. Big.  I loved that he was so grown up and took the time and energy to make such great salads…and dinners (his Seared Scallops and Green Curry Chicken were better than anything I’ve ever eaten at any restaurant)
• Exercise.  My Mr. Big was the biggest proponent of exercise.  He was into it as much as I was, often encouraged and inspired me to do better.
• Cat Food cans.  I used to leave the cat food cans in the sink… he told me one day that it bothered him.  I now rinse the cans out and put them in recycling immediately.  What I cherish and remember is his honesty about it – It made me happy to know that I could make him happy (or at the very least not make him suffer). 
• The Hairdryer. We both had an enthusiasm to dry all “our bits”..  every time I see or use the hairdryer, I think of him.
• Dishes.  I hate to do dishes.  My Mr. Big was o.k. with this… I think he enjoyed doing the dishes because he knew how I disliked doing them.  He did them with a smile….  I just loved his generosity.
• Naps. Once of life’s greatest pleasures.. and simply over the top  when you can share them with someone. My Mr. Big was a napper as well…
• Passion.  I loved everything about him. I could orgasm just looking at him…  and it wasn’t just his looks, his gorgeous skin, but his deep kindness for people, his generosity towards his family, his intelligence…  The chemistry was just there and never waned the entire time we were together.

These are the everyday things that I adored and miss.  Tomorrow I’m going to work on a special project, which is reviving the citrus trees that are dying …. he used to take such good care of the plants.. he just knew how to care for them (like you know how to put on socks).  I was born without a green thumb, and all my attempts at keeping plants alive have been futile.  I feel I will fail at keeping these citrus trees from dying… I’m desperate to keep them alive just so that his memory of his kind care for them and gentle nature stays alive within me.   

The kindness and love, the support and blanket of love that I felt while with him still lives within me.  As much as I’m enjoying my life now, without responsibility (except for the cats, my nieces and great nieces, my financial commitments), I would give anything to have this feeling, this “partnership” again.  I think this is why I’ve not settled down.  I’ve had bad (the Ex husband), I’ve had GREAT (My Mr. Big), and the bar is high…  the guys on the roster have potential, but none have measured up as of yet (or chosen to participate).

This is why staying at home, with myself and no alcohol, is not preferred.  I run into the memory of what once was, what could have been, what I want for myself in the future.  Its so clear to me now….