Outside Of Myself Looking In.

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

ask-yourself-1Do you ever have that feeling? That you are watching yourself live life from the outside?  I feel like I’m outside my body, watching myself from above, “live” life.  And I put live in quotes because I’m not living right now, I’m just getting by.  I struggle to get up in the morning.  When I do, I get ready – barely.  I do bathe or shower most days, but I rarely wear makeup.  I don’t put on my nice clothes – why?  I do finally make it to work or get to my tasks on the weekends.. but barely.  At work I can focus on most tasks, but it feels like it takes much longer than normal.  Then I go home at night, get into my pajamas and do nothing. I am watching a bunch of series on Netflix and Amazon, I’m just home.

All this time, I’m doing nothing, my mind is spinning.  spinning and spinning on everything.  I cant stop it unless I’m sleeping or high (I just got my medicinal marijuana license).  As I’m doing all this “living”, I’m outside myself, watching over, screaming at myself to get off my ass and get going.

So I know I need to get up, get going, and do the things that will turn life around for me. But I don’t do them. It’s been going on for a while now, and I have to wonder why I haven’t pulled out of this funk or why I am sabotaging myself.

Have you ever felt this way – that you know what you need to do, but you continue down the same path, not moving forward.. ?  How did you get out of it?

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Body Confident – New Year Resolution Update.

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healthy-body-mind-imageI’ve been thinking a lot lately, probably too much.  As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t turn off my thoughts.  It affected my work – I had so much work to do, but I could not focus. At All. My mind was so fuzzy, it took me forever to get simple things done. The worst part is that I knew it was happening – it was a super slow movie playing – you know the story, the outcome, and it takes soooo long to play out.

I will update you on all my thoughts later.  Right now this is just a quick update on the body confident part of my 2015 New Years Resolution

  • Lose Weight – I went to the doctor last week and I am officially down 4 pounds.  It makes me feel really good that both the doctor and my scale register the same weight loss.  Also, I went to the doctors at the end of the day and it still showed 4 pounds down (I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning).  This means its not just about the scale, but is now officially part of my medical record.  For FYI – I lost 3 pounds in January, and one whole whopping pound in the months of February and March.
  • Exercise More – I also did take a Belly Dancing class. That was super fun!  These next few months I’ll be playing softball with my company softball team.  I just found my roller blades –  I’m now on the hunt for my knee and elbow pads. 🙂  I know I’m going to need them.
  • Stomach Issues – I also have an appointment with Dr. Feldman – a holistic doctor who is going to help me get back on track stomach wise. She helped one of my best friends through her stomach issues. My girlfriend swears by this woman.  I’m looking forward to working with her – and getting healthy again.

That’s it for me for now.  Looking forward to updating you on the fun things soon.

A Weekend Of Reflections.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

mirror-self-reflection-imageI would have written this weekend but I was tied up – with the flu, food poisoning, or some sort of stomach ailment that caused me to spend the weekend a) in fetal position, and b) the requirement to be in very close proximity to a clean and working toilet.

Maybe I had a few hallucinations, or maybe I’m just learning from my experiences, but here is where I’m at:

  • 30 minute workouts are perfect for me.  By the time I realize I’m working out, the workout is over.  I could probably go 45 minutes with the same attitude..  But for now I’m signed up for three 30 minute fat blast sessions a week. I go in the mornings. I’m loving the instructor, the class, and don’t mind the 15 minute drive to a fro.
  • Regularity is gods gift.  Too much is… well, is too much.  Not enough is painful.  My newfound love for daily movements is here to stay.
  • Being a “working stiff” isn’t a bad thing.  It is hard to deal with when amongst the non-working crowd yes.  I have not mastered how to gracefully make this work. I have spent the last few years feeling insecure about being a “working girl” when I was hanging with all the folks who didn’t work. Why?  BECAUSE I couldn’t relate – and truth be told, I am envious.  I want to spend more time reading books, napping, taking vacations, seeing the world.  But I can’t. At least I cannot right now.

I’m starting to feel less envious and less bad about where I’m at.  It is NOT bad.  It IS what it is.  I am where I am.  It’s not where I would like to be, but I have 110% control of where I want to go next.  So I think I may be done with my pity party and onto my next adventure, which right now is cooking Thai food.  Which by the way, tastes much better when someone else is cooking it for me or tasting it with me.

As you all know, one of my new years resolutions is to stop buying things and to pay off all my debt.  I AM paying off my debts like a mad woman… however, I’ve slipped.  I think I’ve been torturing myself with not having the things I need, waiting for someone else to get them for me.  Since ATrain broke up with me, I started thinking – I deserve nice things!  I decided that I’m treating myself to the things I’ve needed to turn my cottage into a comfortable place for me to spend time.  I’m going for it – making my small casa feel like home and investing in myself.

  • a new rug (LOVE IT),
  • a new TV (it was on sale AND its awesome),
  • and about $800 of new shoes and clothing.

It feels good, and is what has me rethinking  – I’m worth it.  Although I’d love another person to help me out, I’m not looking for a “helper”, I’m looking for a partner. Someone who wants me and us to have these things. ATrain has all these things, but they are for him, not for us.  And that is o.k. I’m glad he got and has these things for himself, it’s too bad I wasn’t part of it.

Anyway, I’m working hard at keeping myself busy – I’m putting my professional “business plan” in place, I’m going to my fat blaster class, and my mind is slowly coming out of the emotional cloud.  I like my downtime now.  It was scary at first, now its enjoyable.

And believe it or not, I’m taking lessons from my cats on how to value myself. Examples include:

  • Zoey – there are 3 doors into/out of the cottage – whatever door is NOT open is the one that Zoey wants to come through.  And I DO IT!  I get up and open the door for her.  For example, the screen door next to the kitchen is open, the cat door is available to her 24-7. But Zoey will scratch at the closed front door to be let in. The front door is about 4 feet from the cat door.  Yes, that is right, 4 feet. But she scratches and I open…she demands and I get up – every time.
  • Sophie – somehow ends up on my lap, while my laptop is on my side, on 2 pillows.. why? Because Sophie wouldn’t have it any other way.  And honestly, if I didn’t give her what she wanted, she would pester me until I would lose my mind.  So how did she train me to give her what she wants and I just do whatever (hurt my eyes, strain my back, etc.) to give her what she wants? She is a 9 pound cat!?!! And she is the boss.

So why am I so accommodating? Why am I not being as demanding as these two 9 pound monsters that rule my life?  No idea – because I’ve never been demanding? Because I don’t know how to be? I need to learn. It’s not about being demanding, it’s about knowing what I want and not being ashamed of it.

I’d love to hear your experiences about you getting stronger, learning to demand more at home and at the office.

Life is Full Of Lessons.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

a-lesson-will-repeat-itself-until-learnedI’m spending a lot of time by myself, thinking through my relationships, the meaning of life, and trying to wrap my head around what it all means.

I’m lucky that I have a lot to focus on at work during the week.  I’m working hard – really working at changing my career for the better.  It’s been harder than I expected.  I just got my performance review back, a 360 degree review.  I’m struggling with some feedback, it is opposite of what I expected, and opposite of what I thought I’d discussed with my manager during the hiring process. I’m thinking hard about what I plan to do about the review and what it means for my career. I am NOT going to seek for approval or acceptance for an unlimited time period.  I will give myself a few weeks to work through the feedback, discuss my thoughts with my manager, and set my boundaries.I’m no longer willing to give without getting.. At the end of the day, I need to define the amount of time I’m willing to give before I get what I want.

Which leads me to what I’m really after.  I’m not willing to wait around for someone else to tell me what I’m worth. My job is to define my worth and let others know what that is.  I set my currency value.  I’ve never done this before – and looking back, reflecting on my past relationships, I realize how much power I have given up both at work and at home.  I don’t mean power in the way of control, but power in the sense of defining the things that are important to me, communicating the things I need and want from others.

This is a very big revelation for me.  I am disappointed that I didn’t learn this lesson from my first big relationship loss, or the end of my marriage… and that it actually took a total of 4 failed relationships to learn it.  But hey, at least I’m learning it now.  Knowledge is power, and is the first step in change.

Soooo, here I am. With a new found revelation.  I love it. It’s time for change, and I’m all for it.  Have any of you read the book How People Change?  I read this in college and I think about it all the time. The lesson I learned from the book – that awareness is the first step to making a difference, a real change.  There is a lot of work ahead to make my new found perspective a reality. But I know how to do it. So I’m on my way.

On The Right Track.

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The week was rough last week. The weekend was tough, in the sense that my natural instinct is to hide away, to become reclusive, and ponder life and figure it out before I show my face again.  BUT, I was lucky this weekend – I had scheduled a girls weekend in San Francisco that I could not bail on.  So I did it.  I did it – I got myself together and did it.

I realize that for many this is not a feat to overcome.  But I went against my nature, did what was right, and I had a blast.  I had a few girlfriends in town from LA, we enjoyed ourselves immensely, and for some reason, the loss I’ve been experiencing didn’t’ seem so bad.  It was very therapeutic for me – and I bonded with a few women that I so admire.  I’d call that a win-win!

I’ll create a post on my weekend activities as they were fabulous.  But this post is about doing what was right for me – getting out of my comfort zone, doing something different, and succeeding at it.  Anything counts right now.

Right now I’m making Paleo banana pancakes for the week and I’m struggling.  Why do the first 2 work out perfectly and the rest of ’em just burn?  HELP!!

My Choices.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

choicesAnother day has come and gone.  It wasn’t so bad.

I went to the office today.  I was so busy with meetings and follow-up that the time just flew by.  I got home around 6:30pm, pet the cats and wondered around for a bit. Then sat down on the couch, finished up some work, and am now getting ready for bed. This post will be much shorter than my recent posts (don’t get so excited).

Not only am I back and committed to writing more and working through my life in this public manner, my favorite blog friends are back as well.  They too have struggled over these last few years.  They have been so generous to share their experiences, their struggle, their deepest fears, angst, joys with all of us. I have come to know and love these folks – and their words have given me pause, made me think, and have influenced me in very positive ways.  They share their experiences with such honesty and openness, I aspire to write and share like they do.  I hope you enjoy their writings as much as I do –

  • That Precarious Gait – She is finally back! Like me, she took a hiatus – trying to get through each day, not knowing that I related to the experiences she shared…  Now is a great time to catch up with her, she just wrote a great post, catching me (and the world) up on why she has been gone for so long.  She has such a great writing style – so clear, concise, impactful, and emotional without being “victim-ish”.. it’s insightful and I gets me thinking.
  • Four Is A Family – Love this man’s sense of humor.  A Brit that lives in Virginia (or somewhere cold on the East Coast), living life and sharing his experiences on love, love lost, raising daughters (which is SO HARD), working, and trying to keep it together.  He too disappeared due to overwhelming life responsibilities.  But he too, is back. At the same time as me and That Precarious Gait.  Lucky me.

What I realized while dealing with my own shisa, is that others are struggling too, I’m not the only one out there running into family or relationship or other issues.  There are a lot of folks out there trying to figure out their path in life, working hard to learn from their experiences, and moving on, becoming better people through the process.

Anyway, it came to me today. Life is about the choices I make.  And this breakup is about the choices I’ve made over the last 3 years.. or maybe even longer.  It’s my responsibility to figure out why I’ve made the choices I have, to learn from them, and move on.

So here I go, sharing my journey with you.  The ups and downs, the process of learning from my successes and my failures.  I hope you get as much out of my experiences as I get from Precarious and FIAF.

Better than Yesterday.

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today_is_better_than_yesterday_by_nvmsodi-d423tugToday was another day.  A day that was better than yesterday. It is also a day that I did not go into work – I called in sick.  Even though I called in sick I still have work to do – I worked a few hours and have a bit more to do tonight, but I didn’t have the energy to get myself ready or see other people.  But that isn’t what this post is about, this post is about today – another day, which was better than yesterday.  Not to say it was all good, it was just better than yesterday.

So I’ve only almost cried 6 times today.  Not fully cried, just almost cried – you know, tears well up and you swallow them or force them to go away.  I did also see ATrain – we had lunch.  We went to our favorite place.  We had a good time – it was so good to see him.  He looks good, as always.  We didn’t talk about anything important. I think we are both in a too-sensitive place right now (or at least I am).  We did talk about:

  • his plans this week – Monday/tonight he is visiting his son, Tuesday he has an event, he is busy busy all week..
  • his project ending (March 3rd) and the celebrating he will do …
  • his new yacht trip (he just got back and has another one planned – it’s part of his 10 days a month on vacation goal and its part of the celebration, see point #1)
  • his pending trip to France for the Tour de France

As much as I wanted to know about his weekend, what he did/who he was with, tell him how much I missed him, I did not.   I really do not want to know where he was or who he was with.  So the part of “being friends” where you share everything and anything, well, I’m not there yet.

So what did I do today while I wasn’t working?  Thinking. Here is what I decided today:

  • Time to make my place a home. Even though I don’t have the money, I’m going to splurge on a new rug, a new duvet, a new vacuum, and a new TV (mine is 25″, I want a 40″ AND one manufactured in the last 10 years).  My goal this year was to not buy anything so that I could pay off my CC debt… which I can do by the end of the year IF I don’t spend.  But I’m going to be in the space I’m in for another year, so I may as well make it everything I want it to be.
  • See a counselor.  My work healthcare offers me the opportunity to see someone up to 8 times at no cost.  There is so much I need to learn about myself, why not just do it?
  • Get physically active.  I need to get moving if I’m going to lose weight.  I signed up for a 6 week fat blast class.  My interview for the class is this Wednesday. Yes, interview. They don’t take just anyone because they want to take pictures and use it as promotional materials.  Cross your fingers for me that I get in. If not, I’ll figure something else out.
  • Get my carpets cleaned.  Not like that you dirty minded folks! 😉 I actually have a few area rugs that need to be cleaned and stored safely.  Part of me wants to get rid of them, but I’m just not ready to part with them. So I will get them cleaned and stored properly. So when I do move into a house they fit into I can make the decision then.

While I was working on not feeling sorry for myself, I thought of a few ideas that are fun, that I’d like to make happen, but are long shots:

  • Finally start that Cat Channel on YouTube.  The one where I record Sophie and Zoey, my two crazy furry babies, edit the film, and post their antics online. Who doesn’t want another cat channel??
  • Start Sewing again. A year ago I bought a sewing machine and some fabric to make my own pillows.  Project hasn’t started yet.. what am I waiting for right??  By “again”, I mean the last time I was in front of a sewing machine was in college, which was over 20 years ago!
  • Begin my modge-podge crafts. Yes, a year ago I bought modge-podge and had all these crafts I wanted to create.. I’ve got so many ideas, so many “things” socked away in storage that I want to create.  So many modge-podge ideas, so little time!  Once I get myself put back together, I may be blogging about DIY crafts. I know, you can’t wait can you?!?!  😉
  • Create more lists.  I am unable to keep track of myself unless I put a list together, so why not post the lists publicly so I can know where they are?!?  I know, a fabulous idea.  I’ve started with a new page called My Favorites.  I’ll continue to update it as I remember, see, or do things..
  • Paleo. I’m loving my paleo lifestyle and I plan to keep track of it here on this blog.  All my Paleo favorites are listed on my new Paleo References page.
  • Drink more wine.  Just kidding, it is not possible!! ha ha, gotcha. 🙂

I think that is it.  There are two more things I want to share but I feel they deserve a log of their own..

Life Lesson #4899770.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

My-heart-is-so-tiredI picked a random number for the Life Lesson number, but God, it feels like there has been too many of them as of late. How many have I ignored these past years or should have recognized?

This weekend has been brutal for me.  I spent the entire time either crying, sleeping, or getting drunk (yes, by myself).  Except for tonight – Sunday night.  I’m watching one of many movies, one of which was a foreign film, which makes me focus on the words on the bottom of the screen and not the pity party I’ve been having so ensconced in all weekend.

I can’t believe how much I have cried this weekend.  I almost didn’t go out today because my eyes are so swollen (Visine keeps the eyeballs white, doesn’t help with puffiness). And when I did go out, I cried between each stop (3 stops in total) and had to talk myself out of not stopping (stops included Home Depot, Crystal Springs Grocery, and a drop off to a local Thrift Store). I feel like I’m behaving like a child, and honestly speaking, a spoiled child.  I knew how Atrain felt, I knew how I felt, but the loss of his presence is hard…much harder than I thought it would be.  I’ve not spent a weekend alone in 3 years.  It was an odd experience, one I didn’t like.  BUT I did muster through it, I did actually finish the 3 out-of-the-house tasks. That is something.  Or at least it feels like something. I’m celebrating – with a bottle of wine no less!

I do believe the best way to finish a “first weekend without your partner” is to drink a bottle of wine and watch a foreign film.  I recommend this only because it worked for me. I am drinking a bottle from BevMo – Valpolicella.  And the foreign film I’m watching is Happy Happy.  This is classified as a comedy, this IS NOT a comedy.  It’s dark, it’s sad, I don’t know on what planet this would be considered a comedy.  But I understand it. I get the loss, the desire for sex, and ultimately the new beginnings that this movie speaks of….. It’s really about how things come to change through a physical move, a renewed focus, a new perspective. About how life can unfold as you least expect it.  It’s a cross between The Holiday, O Brother, Where Art Thou, Brokeback Mountain, and a little bit of Butter in there…   I don’t know why in the world this would be considered a comedy, but it is…

I did not do any work this weekend. Not because I didn’t think about it, not because it’s not due, but because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything outside of crying, my tasks (as listed above), or working my ass of trying not to focus on my current predicament.  Yes, I will feel the pain tomorrow when clients/customers/colleagues expected something from me and I did not deliver.  I will have to deal with that.  I am wondering how I did this after my divorce – how did I keep my job??  My thought is that my manager helped me out greatly – helped steer me in the right direction while I was not right.

So it is early – but my girls are home with me, I need to get some sleep, and pull myself together for work tomorrow.  I’m preparing for a long week ahead.  Next weekend is a girls weekend, which I’m super unprepared for ..

 

Reflections of a Breakup.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

one-day-things-will-get-betterI’m now 4 days into the breakup.  My first weekend without ATrain.  It’s hard.  Weekends are going to be the hardest because that is when I have extra time on my hands.  The time I would usually spend running errands and hanging with the ATrain.

First, the fact that we are broken up doesn’t surprise me.  ATrain and I had been talking about our relationship, where we were, and had a few very frank conversations about what we each needed to make a relationship work.  So, having the conversation on Tuesday wasn’t a shocker in that we were talking about our relationship and our needs.

What I didn’t expect was that it wasn’t a conversation we had. It was him telling me that he had given thought to our past conversations, and that at the end of the day, he didn’t want what I wanted, and he didn’t care to meet my needs.  It was so abrupt. And on top of it, the parts about him being desired by other women who were/are waiting for me to get out-of-the-way AND his unexpected trip out-of-town this weekend…  It all just took me by surprise.

Yes, I’ve been mopey and sad.  No one likes to be rejected, especially by someone they love and care for.  Will I recover, yes. But it will take time, there is a lot of thinking I need to do.  After 4 days, I’ve come to realize that I’m very sad for myself.  ATrain has become a best friend.  He is also a very good friend to my friends.  He is definitely in “my circle” of very close friends.  He hasn’t called me today – and I miss that.  And I miss him.  It sucks.

But there is something else that is really upsetting to me.  It’s the question I keep asking myself.  Why did I wait so long to put my needs on the table?  What was I waiting for?  I believe I spent most of last year just trying to figure out what I wanted. And when I finally figured it out and was able to clearly articulate it, it took ATrain all of a week to figure out he didn’t want to go there.  So just like in my marriage, I spent a lot of time in a relationship that in the end, was never going to give me what I needed.  Why am I doing this to myself?

I just don’t get it.  With ATrain, I never felt safe. I never felt that I could let my guard down.  When we were living together I used to have dreams that I would come home from work and he was packing my things up and moving me out – and moving someone else in.  I was having these dreams over and over…  when things where really good between us.  I realize now (hindsight is 20/20) that I never felt like I could fully depend on him, that I had to be careful. Of course, I must mention that my worst years professionally have been the years I was with ATrain.  I do feel badly for him in the sense that I was not in a good place, and maybe he just didn’t know how to support me.  Who knows.

But things did get a lot better between us when I moved out….  but once you move out, move “away” from the relationship, it is very hard to bring it back together.  And that is where we were – trying to bring it back together, come together in a better way.  We all know the outcome of that effort.

I will be taking the great advice offered on Trifectatribe.com and spending a few months alone, remembering, analyzing, reflecting, and basically just mourning the loss of another relationship.  And when I’m ready to open up and make room for friends, family, and the like, I’ll get up and out..  It will happen.  It’s just a matter of time.

Regarding a few comments made on my Breakup post:

  • I’m NOT upset that ATrain beat me to the punch wrt the breakup. I’m startled and hurt by the way the message was delivered and how quickly It feels that I’ve been forgotten.  It feels eerily similar to my experience with my ex-husband – he’s recovered rapidly and on the road to a new relationship before we are even over.  Why does this happen? Why do I take years to recover, and my ex’s can zip right out and find themselves “new girlfriends” within a week? So they don’t have to be alone? What is it?!?  Tell me!
  • Regarding finding the diamond in the rough that is looking for a girl like me.  My Ex was that.  He was a quiet one that I noticed behind a computer monitor way back when..  and look how good that worked out for me.  By all appearances, he like it so much, he let it happen again while we were married. 😉
  • I do believe there are good guys out there. I believe there are men who actually like and want to be in a relationship.  And these kinds of men, when they notice a great gal, will speak up and go after what they want.  And at this point, I want to be healthy, happy, and ready to engage.

There is a lot of work I need to do on myself.  To figure myself out (again) and get to a happy, healthy place.  I need to be sure of myself, sure of what I want, and this will get me to where I want to be – in a relationship where both parties are getting everything they want and need.

Here is to a healthy, happy 2015.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

PaulasPonderings6 Comments

keep-calm-move-on-from-ex-boyfriendSo tonight was the night.  I had dinner with A-Train, as we do many nights, and he let me have it.  The breakup. It’s happened.  He said the following:

  • He will always love me, love my quirkiness
  • wants to remain friends (this is a shocker, he always told me that if we broke up I’d never see him again, that I would be “on my own”)
  • That I’m super special, I don’t know it, and it will upset him to no end if I end up with someone who doesn’t recognize it or treat me as well as he did
  • That now I can “move on” and date whom I’d like (he said it as if I had someone in the pipe)
  • AND that he is going away this weekend…

All his topics caught me by surprise, however, the last one was “it” for me.  I know men – they don’t break up with someone unless they have someone waiting for them.  Every boyfriend/husband I’ve been with this has been the case.  Men don’t move on unless they already have someone else.

I don’t know who the ATrain has met or where he is going, but he is on a natural high, he is now rich beyond belief and it doesn’t surprise me that he’s “found” a new woman.  He even told me tonight that women ask him how I’m doing, in anticipation that we have broken up so they can pounce.  Is he a catch? Totally.  Is this what I need to hear while he is breaking up with me? Absolutely Not.

So there you have it. I’m back on the market.  All 43 years of me, worn, weathered, battered, beaten beyond belief, in no shape or form to date.  I’ll need to get healthy before I get back out there, which given the way I do it, I’ll be reclusive for the next 6-12 months, focus on my health.  Maybe now I can lose my extra weight (because I’m hiding away??).. who the hell knows.

What am I going to do?  I’m going to recover, focus on my career, lose some weight and get my confidence back. THEN I will begin dating again. Then, maybe then, I’ll meet someone who wants a partner in crime, someone to wants to be taken care of AND wants to take care of someone…   WE shall see.

Boy am I tired.  Life has got to be/get easier.  Will this breakup make my life easier?  Time will tell. For now, I’m surprised that it happened now but not surprised that it happened. And it will hurt like hell when I find out who ATrain is courting (it always hurts to know you’ve been lied to)..