Body Confident – New Year Resolution Update.

healthy-body-mind-imageI’ve been thinking a lot lately, probably too much.  As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t turn off my thoughts.  It affected my work – I had so much work to do, but I could not focus. At All. My mind was so fuzzy, it took me forever to get simple things done. The worst part is that I knew it was happening – it was a super slow movie playing – you know the story, the outcome, and it takes soooo long to play out.

I will update you on all my thoughts later.  Right now this is just a quick update on the body confident part of my 2015 New Years Resolution

  • Lose Weight – I went to the doctor last week and I am officially down 4 pounds.  It makes me feel really good that both the doctor and my scale register the same weight loss.  Also, I went to the doctors at the end of the day and it still showed 4 pounds down (I usually weigh myself first thing in the morning).  This means its not just about the scale, but is now officially part of my medical record.  For FYI – I lost 3 pounds in January, and one whole whopping pound in the months of February and March.
  • Exercise More – I also did take a Belly Dancing class. That was super fun!  These next few months I’ll be playing softball with my company softball team.  I just found my roller blades –  I’m now on the hunt for my knee and elbow pads. 🙂  I know I’m going to need them.
  • Stomach Issues – I also have an appointment with Dr. Feldman – a holistic doctor who is going to help me get back on track stomach wise. She helped one of my best friends through her stomach issues. My girlfriend swears by this woman.  I’m looking forward to working with her – and getting healthy again.

That’s it for me for now.  Looking forward to updating you on the fun things soon.

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For the Love Of Animals.

FactoryFarmingPhaseOut

I’m back in the USA. Arrived home, safe and sound, on Thursday afternoon, but just now adjusting back into the US Pacific timezone.  I had a fantastic trip – successful from a work front, and extremely successful on a fun/friend front.

  • I reconnected with a bestie – I was able to hang out with Smiles, one of my best girlfriends ever.  She was my partner in crime may years ago.  She was the reason for one of my greatest trips of all time – my trip to Australia (and to Hamilton Island) in 1996.  I know, a lifetime ago, but at the same time, unforgettable.
  • I connected with a new bestie – Sporty Spice. I was able to get to know her before she started her world travels, but I was lucky enough spend more time with her down under.  I love me some Sporty Spice!  She is so funny, so insightful, creative, interesting.  I can’t wait for more time together!

I know, I know, I’ve already said all of this. But it was a great trip, it felt too short, I would have loved to stay longer, and I look forward to my return trip in April.

What I’ve not shared is my current obsession with health. I know I said in my Yacht Body post that I’m going to go the no-alcohol route, but that was before watching 3 movies on juicing and vegetarianism.

  • Vegucated – great documentary on 3 meat and cheese loving individuals take a 6 week vegan challenge.  Also showed some shocking videos of slaughterhouses and compelling facts about farm animal cruelty.
  • Fat Sick and Nearly Dead – amazing documentary (available on the website, Netfix, and Hulu) on the lifestyle and medical transformation attributed to juicing.
  • Food Matters – medical experts weigh in on the lack of nutrition and natural healing education and support in the medical community as well as the growing dependence on pharmaceutical drugs (which I personally love) and expensive medical treatments.  What I learned is that there are many alternative therapies available, the easiest of which is choosing healthier foods to put in your body – “You are what you eat”.

After watching these documentaries, I truly believe that alcohol is the least of my concerns.  I need to be focused on a plant-based diet… not only for my health but to also save animals from undue torture (be careful, I got about 30 seconds through the video and couldn’t go any further).  I do have an appointment with an allergist to figure out my stomach issues.  I’ve met with my doctor to review my medications (I take sleeping pills, constipation, and pills to help manage my recurring panic attacks).

I can say, that I’m honestly sick to my stomach about the farm animal cruelty right now.  I think that I can get my Yacht Body AND contribute to making a difference in an animal’s life (Alicia Silverstone is a spokes person for Farm Sanctuary in the US and even Aussies have their own sanctuary anyone want to do a volunteer stint with me?). If I could save all the animals I would – they deserve better than to be created solely for the purpose of consumption IMO.  Anyone who knows of a farm that saves animals, please post it to comments.  I’d love to see how many active sanctuaries we can provide links to on this blog.

With my new-found purpose, I am going to focus on living a healthier life and saving the animals, one diet (mine) at a time.  I will post my weight loss, blood pressure, and bad cholesterol test results when I get them.  If I don’t show significant progress by April 1st, then I have 1 more month to cut out alcohol and anything else necessary. I WILL HAVE my Yacht Body by early May…  Please provide any advice, links to education recourses, or vegetarian recipes… I’ll take it.

Remember Me?

glass-halffullvsemptyI wasn’t sure what to title this post as I have been gone forever.. only writing now because I have a few minutes AND I’m not completely bitchy grumpy (thank you G.G Dirty for teaching me the ways of subliminal aka strikeout).

I think this might be the first night I’ve had to myself in six months.  I should be working, unpacking, organizing.. you name it, it should be happening, I should be doing it.  Instead, I’m doing what I love to do .. write.  So many things are going on in my head, this post will be a dyslexics/multiple personality dream come true.  So, being that I’m OCD, I’ll bullet every thought…

Diet/Exercise/Health.. blah blah blah

  • I stopped taking Qsymia immediately after starting it.. As much as I want to be skinny (and I really really do), this drug made me feel like I was having a heart attack. I had to stop it…  or risk losing my life.  Which I’m o.k. with (losing my life) except that I don’t have a living will in place and I want to make sure that all my financial plans have the appropriate beneficiaries (NOT my ex).
  • I have lost 4 pounds in the last month.  My motivation is clear – I will not be the short fat friend at my friend’s wedding in September.  And honestly, I’m sick and tired of being fat and tired.  I’ve just stopped eating everything – I eat half of what I’m served… . And I’ve cut out carbs for the most part.  That is all I’ve done.  I wish I could say I’ve been eating healthier, exercising more.. but it would all be a lie.  I need to exercise just to clear my head, but alas, I’ve still not been able to do it given my work commitments.
  • I am actually craving a workout. I’m desperate to get away from work… I’m willing to do anything, even if that means exercise. My body needs it, my head needs it.

State of Mind and other Uninteresting Topics

  • I’ve moved into a new apartment with my boyfriend.   Its great in so many ways.  The move wasn’t easy but we did it well together, his ying to my yang, yada yada.  … My boyfriend is so good to me – treats me like a queen, would do anything for me….. but god damn it if I don’t think about My Mr. Big every F-U-C-K-I-N-G day.  What is wrong with me?  I have a great guy who treats me so well, takes such good care of me, but every time I see a BMW 750 IL (doesn’t even matter what color these days) I think of him.  The man retreated from my life without notice, never to appear again (at least hasn’t tried to make contact in the last 2+ years that I’m aware of).  I am well aware of the good and bad we shared. In my 42 years of life, what I shared with My Mr. Big was unique and special… It’s not that I’m not over it, it’s just that I would like to experience it again.  I loved the feeling of being cherished while cherishing that same someone.  That unique connection, that apparently I only felt… but still, I want to feel that again.
  • I’ve got a serious case of “the envies”. I am no fun to be with.  Everyone else’s life seems easier to me right now.  I am so heavy with responsibility, with financial weight, with physical weight (see topic above)…  I’m just so sick of myself and envious of those that are skinny, thin, don’t have to work, are supported by trust funds, rich husbands, or in general don’t have to work a 16 hour workday (yes, those of you who are union who complain about an 8  hour day, go somewhere else, I can’t hear you).
  • In addition to the above, I have nothing going on hobby wise.. I have no time for my jewelry making, for catching up with friends, for exercising, for anything other than sleep.  My new sewing machine is still sitting in the box that I received it in from Amazon in January. As my mom used to say, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all”…  I’m only silent when I’m not drinking… which unfortunately for me (and the rest of you) has been too much of my time.

In general, I’m a Pissy Patty.. a Negative Nelly… a Bitter Betty…  I’m no fun to be with. I don’t even like myself right now. If I could take a shower and rinse myself of myself (shit, I scrub myself raw to get out of this skin), I would do it….

How do I get out of this funk? How does a person wake up one day and choose to see a glass half full?  I’ve been trying, making a concerted effort to think about it every day… but god damn, if at the end of every day, I don’t think to myself that a) “that was wishful thinking”, and b) “when is my head going to become dislodged from my ass”?

What is it that tips the scale that pushes someone to just give up and not care vs. waking up and giving it one more shot (one more day)?  When I wake up, I’d love to just go back to sleep and not wake up…..  but I drag myself out of bed, get myself ready for work, and get another day under my belt…  When will I start caring about what I’m doing vs. just going through the motions?  Is it the job? Is it my relationship? Is it my situation? What tugs at your heart-strings? Your health strings? Whats important to your life, how do you know it, and how do you keep track of it, stay on top of it?

One last thing, a few posts ago I said I knew how to use Facebook.  I lied. I don’t get it. I tried to change my picture from a half hotdog to a real picture and it didn’t work. I give up.

Oh, and one more thing. I live walking distance to downtown San Mateo, CA.  Outside my window I can hear a guy walking home a drunk girl. He is being really nice, asking her where she lives… .. she’s not sure what block her house is on.  So I ask you, whose fault is that? This girl is too stupid to know NOT to get too drunk that she can’t walk to her own house/condo/home?  I am just disgusted with her… stupid girl.  If I see this girl on Maury Povich in 10 years and doesn’t know the father of her baby, I get it.  She set herself up.

Nope, stupid girl isn’t going to be my last thought for tonight.   I’m grateful for my wonderful cats. The transition to the new house has been almost seamless.  You know why? Because they thing I was most worried about – the cats – has caused me zero worry. They have taken the move in stride and are as comfortable here, in the new condo, in a more condensed area, as they were spread out at the Big Casa. They are the best pets/kids anyone could ever ask for. I’m lucky they picked me and stuck with me!!  Now I just have to worry that they will stay with me…..

Reset.

reset-in-cementAs I’ve written in my last post, I feel lost, like I’ve spiraled downwards.  I get up every morning and wish I could go back to bed, sleep it off.  “It” being my life.  I just want it to stop being so hard….  What’s so hard? Realizing that the divide between where I want to be/where I thought I would be and where I am is so vast…

I’ve been wanting to write about my New Years Resolutions for some time now, I’ve just not had any time.  And thats the problem – I have not committed to living my life.  I keep thinking I will do it tomorrow, and now its March.  March!  Two months of thinking about it, doing nothing about it.  So March 1st is the day.

  1. First, the catalyst is my weight. I’ve gained too much weight… I’m 5’2″ and I now weigh 133 lbs.  That is obese. I’m OBESE.  That is crazy to me. I have let myself go over the last 2 years…. well, 4 years really… I can no longer do nothing.
  2. Second, I have zero energy.  I actually had to come home from work during lunch a few weeks ago to take a nap. I could not focus, could not stay aware/awake, was in a complete fog. Without a nap, I would not have gotten through the day.
  3. Third, I have lost the ability to remember.  I cannot remember anything, even the simplest of things. A date? Google calendar.  A name. Not going to happen.  Whatever brain space is reserved for memory, mine is gone. If only I could get some cloud backup for shit that doesn’t matter so I can make for new, more important things like work.

All of these reasons made me focus on my health in 2013.  I am in another Not Buying It Year.. instead of buying things, I’m buying my health back.  I’ve been to the doctor a few times now, and we are working on addressing all the above, along with a few other things like constipation and hemorrhoids.

The reason I’m writing? Because I’ve been diagnosed as “normal”… believe it or not, according to healthcare standards, nothing is physically wrong with me.  Blood tests show that I don’t have high blood pressure, my thyroid is in normal range.. cholesterol is fine.  But I am overweight for my size…and it has totally effected my confidence.  Along with my horrible work experience with Man Hands, my weight has pushed me into a slight depression… so to address issue # 1 above, I asked for and received a prescription to help reduce my weight WHICH my insurance DID NOT cover.  The prescription – Qsymia.

In addition to taking the drug, I’ve also added in 2 more workouts a week – a Boxing class with a new work friend  and a Zumba dance class on Sunday…  But Qsymia has a few side effects that may have a negative impact on me – Side effects include concentration/memory difficulties along with mood problems.

I will start taking the prescription tomorrow, March 1st. I will track my progress over the next 6  weeks.  I will document how I feel, my weight, and anything else that I feel…  I’m looking forward to this journey… I need something to focus on other than work!

Trying The GM Diet.

My month in Atlanta was brutal, especially on my physique.  The 3 hour time change made it almost impossible for me to work out.  I know this sounds like a lame excuse, but getting up at 7am pst is about all I can do…  If I wake up any earlier than that, I feel sick to my stomach and have on many occasions, thrown up.

I also felt bloated and uncomfortable the entire time .. I don’t know if it was the weather or what I was eating, which for the most part was the same – oatmeal in the morning, salad for lunch, low carb dinner), but I just didn’t feel good.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that I didn’t work out and I drank too much…  which has resulted in a 3 lb gain.  Of course I’m not happy out it, I had 5 lbs to lose before I left for Atlanta a month ago.  So, I’m going to try the GM Diet.  A few friends of mine have done the diet one week a year for years (they do it once a year for cleansing purposes)… and have consistently lost weight and have kept it off.  So I’m going to give it a try.  I’ll blog my progress …   

I’m actually looking forward to it because I do love fruits and veggies..  and I can substitute chicken for the beef days if I want to..  I went shopping today and purchased a bunch of fruits and vegetables… the bill came to $68… which is very low for me.  Normally its close to $100, and that’s because it usually includes alcohol…. And honestly, after all the drinking I did in Atlanta, I’m looking forward to an excuse to NOT drink.  I know, shocker. 

Wish me luck.  I’ll let you know how day 1 goes tomorrow.

Waiting For Moms Test Results.

So, a lot of you have asked how my mom is doing….   She had another episode (shooting pain in her shoulder that is so immense she had to lay down…. she was at work).  My dad took her to the doctor and she had an MRI… . we get the results back today.

I’m in Utah now, hanging with her.  She says she is fine, but she’s also taken 2 loratabs (if any of you know pain killers, this is the good stuff)..  I’m not sure there is anything I can do at this point, but just talk with her, get her water, etc… 

I also have a few people to see, mostly AbFab, Mayonaise, and Shanaynay.  I will also be visiting with my other niece, LilDarlin’, and celebrating my fathers birthday…  All good stuff.

Thoughts and Reflections.

So, I’ve been busy with work this week (all goodness, its been a very successful week professionally), but in the back of my mind, relationship “stuff” has been swirling thru my head.  This has largely to do with a couple of events:

  • My Niece’s sperm donor (guy got my sister pregnant and took off, without even a good-bye) has reached out to her – on Facebook no less. She hasn’t seen/heard from him since she was 6 (so almost 15 years).
  • The fact that I reconnected with my first San Francisco girlfriend after 8 or so years…   its like we haven’t missed a beat. She’s the best, fun, most gorgeous friend ever!!  Love Her!!
  • Having a man drop off the roster…. and not being interested in adding another person to the roster.

I’ve been thinking about the relationships I most care about, the ones that are/have been the most honest, most rewarding, supportive. 

  1. Of course, the first set of folks are my girlfriends.  They have been with me thru thick and thin.  Most I’ve been friends with before I met my Ex…   stayed with me and supported me, no, propped me up and got me active and engaged during my divorce and recovery….   I wouldn’t know what I would do without these folks in my life.    My friend C-Licious, who got me out for runs, let me cry and run without judgement…   Who adopted me and let me go everywhere with her and her husband (and family, friends, etc..)…  My other best friends, HOPR team, who, hung out with me in “the danger zone” (aka house on Kehoe), who never judged my crazy, reclusive tendendies…  who were always up for taking me out and showing me a good time, even if that meant walking to Celia’s and letting me have too many margaritas.  To all the other friends who wouldn’t let our relationship die with my marriage, and who I adore and cherish every moment with today (thank you ladies for that!!!)..   I could write a book on how fan-tabulous all my lady-friends are.  
  2. The second set would be my family – mostly my niece and my parents ( I’m not real close to my other sisters).  These folks have been nothing but supportive, being my cheerleaders thru thick and thin.  I remember when I told my parents about my divorce (I was apprehensive about it – they liked him)… I’ll never forget my dads first words – “lifes to short to be unhappy”.  Not “are you sure you know what your doing (dumbass)”, “what about kids”, etc..  but, “we support you and your happiness 200%”.    Makes me tear up just thinking about it.  And my niece, who doesn’t forget about me ever, even though she is 20, married with 2 kids, and working full time.  Always calls me, reaching out to me, keeping me updated with her and the kids’ goings-on.  I love that.
  3. The last would be the last 2 guys I’ve dated.  I know, I don’t like that Dear Paula Letter writer broke up with me via email, didn’t communicate with me about how he was feeling and just reacted to his thoughts and feelings with total withdrawl.  I get that he was doing the best he could do, but the shutout hurt.  Anyway, what I liked about the relationship was how easy and fun it was.  I dont really know how honest he was as I didn’t have the time to really get to know him, but he had a great energy, and we had a great energy together.  Who knows where it could have gone, but it got me thinking that people can connect in this crazy world.   The other would be the man I saw on and off for almost 18 months before that… the first man I dated after my divorce.  It was and still is the most honest, open, caring relationship that I’ve been in.  We had a lot of stuff going on in  our lives, but our time together was about spending quality time together.  He definitely took care of me in a way I could appreciate.. and I did the same for him. We laughed all the time… there was a connection and energy that we shared that I’ve not had with anyone else.   I miss him.

Because of these folks, Iam finding dating a lot less interesting now..    I’ve not met anyone I’ve really connected with …  and I’m just not sure if its something you can go and find on a dating website.. I think it has to hit you upside the head at the most random and unexpected times.    I’m pretty sure I’m NOT going to add a new guy to the roster, I think I’m just going to see what happens with the two on the roster right now.  I dont know if I’ve just not spent enough time with these guys, or if there is just not something there… but none of them knock my socks off …  and I don’t want to miss spending time with peeps from 1 and 2 above for just anyone. 

Oh, and one more thing. Its so funny that this post is in list form.  I have created at least a 1/2 dozen lists this week… I’m a list-maniac right now!!