Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

keep-calm-move-on-from-ex-boyfriendSo tonight was the night.  I had dinner with A-Train, as we do many nights, and he let me have it.  The breakup. It’s happened.  He said the following:

  • He will always love me, love my quirkiness
  • wants to remain friends (this is a shocker, he always told me that if we broke up I’d never see him again, that I would be “on my own”)
  • That I’m super special, I don’t know it, and it will upset him to no end if I end up with someone who doesn’t recognize it or treat me as well as he did
  • That now I can “move on” and date whom I’d like (he said it as if I had someone in the pipe)
  • AND that he is going away this weekend…

All his topics caught me by surprise, however, the last one was “it” for me.  I know men – they don’t break up with someone unless they have someone waiting for them.  Every boyfriend/husband I’ve been with this has been the case.  Men don’t move on unless they already have someone else.

I don’t know who the ATrain has met or where he is going, but he is on a natural high, he is now rich beyond belief and it doesn’t surprise me that he’s “found” a new woman.  He even told me tonight that women ask him how I’m doing, in anticipation that we have broken up so they can pounce.  Is he a catch? Totally.  Is this what I need to hear while he is breaking up with me? Absolutely Not.

So there you have it. I’m back on the market.  All 43 years of me, worn, weathered, battered, beaten beyond belief, in no shape or form to date.  I’ll need to get healthy before I get back out there, which given the way I do it, I’ll be reclusive for the next 6-12 months, focus on my health.  Maybe now I can lose my extra weight (because I’m hiding away??).. who the hell knows.

What am I going to do?  I’m going to recover, focus on my career, lose some weight and get my confidence back. THEN I will begin dating again. Then, maybe then, I’ll meet someone who wants a partner in crime, someone to wants to be taken care of AND wants to take care of someone…   WE shall see.

Boy am I tired.  Life has got to be/get easier.  Will this breakup make my life easier?  Time will tell. For now, I’m surprised that it happened now but not surprised that it happened. And it will hurt like hell when I find out who ATrain is courting (it always hurts to know you’ve been lied to)..

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Moved On… Mostly.

So, I feel that I’ve mostly moved on (from the divorce).  I thought I had completely recoverd until recently. 

Most of the time when I think about th EX and his behaviors,  I just shrug and say “oh well,  his deal, not mine” and just move on.   I do this 90% of the time.  But that other 10% …well, I still have some work to do. 

You see, my EX is getting re-married.  Marrying the woman he cheated on me with (or one of the women, who knows).  This in and of itself doesn’t bother me, what is bothering me, and gets my blood boiling, is the years of my life he wasted.

For years my Ex was somewhere else…. check-out, missing, out of touch, disconnected. I asked him, over and over again, about  about his happiness, our relationship, his distance.  In fairness, we had a lot going on, it was not easy.  I struggled, he struggled…..  We struggled independently, never together.  Our struggles did not bring us closer.  I wanted them to, I asked and asked what I could do… I always got nothing – he said he was “fine”.

BUT he wasn’t fine.  He was living a double life – obviously very unhappy in his “public” life, but he never said anything.  I think this is what ultimately still gets be all worked up (the feelings I’ve not dealt well with) is the frustration/anger over the EX’s dishonesty.  The EX could have left in 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007..  I was begging him for communication, honesty and truth. I Gave him an out every time… I just wanted him to be happy, even if that meant NOT with me.   But he bold face lied to me  – said he was “fine”.   My nievate, his words, or a combination of both, made me believe that we could make it.  Knowing what I know now, makes me realize what a dumb ass I was.   And I HATE feeling like I’ve been played.

Its not my nievate that bugs me (it will soon enough though), its his dishonesty and the time I wasted because of it.   Had he just been honest with me, I could be in an entirely different place.  Had he said what he really felt (or at the very least talked about what he was doing), we could have seperated/divorced in 2005 (which is when I think he “disconnected”) and  I would be in an entirely different place. My life could have involved a new family, a loving husband, etc…. Now, at 40, I realize, I will be a great step-mom…   Three years is not a big deal on the larger scheme of things, but 3 years at 35-36 is a very big deal.

Yes, I hear you, another pitty party for Paula…  but honestly, its really hard NOT to think about how different my life could be right now had the EX  had an ounce of integrity and had just been honest.

Now, I am aware that I chose to stay in a less-than-ideal relationship, but I did it for the right reasons – I was in love.  I really thought/believed/felt that we could make it.  Had I known what I know today, I would have made very different decisions. And this is what frustrates me.  I wasn’t given the option to make the decisions that were best for me.

The good news is is that I believe this to be the last hurdle.  I do think that after I resolve my feelings about this I will be ready to get back out there.

Sometimes it just take a while to rebound, and my journey has been long and hard – 2008-2010 where the years of recovery and discovery.   2008 and 2009 are a bit hazy, 2010 has been a year of learning and getting myself back to the same place I was 10 years ago. You could say I’ve gone full circle, I’ve landed in the same “space” (obviously much older, wiser, and more mature) that I was 10 years ago –  I’m once again the “single, unmarried woman”, purchasing a house in an “up and coming” neighborhood…  

But 2011, 2011 will be my year, another Year of the Paula.  … . New home, healthy cats, a “daugther” with a degree, and now room in my heart and life for a new and loving partner.  2011 will be my year.   Watch out Paula fans!!

Here is How It Happened.

Grrrrhhh.  O.k. So for whatever reason, I’ve received numerous emails this week from past work associates asking me why I’ve gone back to my maiden name.  These are folks still work with the Ex…I would love it if they would just ask him.  I know that the Ex and I were not doing well, but here are the turn of events that broke the camel’s back:

  • 2008 – Feb. – I went to Utah for two weeks to get two rental properties ready to sell. I lost my job. I decided to stay longer than the 2 weeks originally scheduled (why not, I’d lost my job).
  • 2008 – Early March – I was at one of my condo’s, cleaning it up to put it on the market, began looking for a job, learned to snowboard, drank to much, cried to much, saw family. One friend came to visit me.  I ASKED the EX to join me anytime, he was always too busy (you’ll see with what in a minute).
  • 2008 – Late March – I got a job, start date was middle of April.  The Ex came to visit me, said he wanted to make our relationship work.  I thought we decided together that we wanted the marriage to work.  I was sorely mistaken. What I think he meant to say was “please so no, I like someone else”.
  • 2008 – Early April – I arrived back in CA, ready to give our marriage another go (for what seemed like the 100th time).  The Ex and I had several “work” trips planned but I thought we agreed to work around it.   He took a “business trip”.. I then used this same suitcase for my trip. My trip was to Dallas for my new job.   As I packed my things into the suitcase, I found a condom.  I asked the Ex about it. Here were his excuses:
    • “Its one of ours”.  My response:  “No, its not, I checked. And we haven’t had sex in ages, which is one of my issues with this marriage”.
    • “Someone else put it there”.  My response:  “I found the condom on the INSIDE of the bag. Who would have access to put the condom on the inside?”   I remember thinking to myself, Um, yeah, that’s what TSA folks do to have a good laugh – stick condoms in random people’s bags.

The fact is, he was lying.  He was cheating and he was lying about it.  As the Ex drove me to the airport for my trip (yes, mere minutes after finding the condom),  I said I was done.  And I was.  The drama was so unnecessary.  He wanted to be somewhere else – go for it.  There was no argument from the Ex about the separation.   We just put the house on the market, sold it, and moved on.

Funny story, we were still living together, I think it was sometime in May of 2008 (around my birthday I believe), the Ex marked his FaceBook profile as Single.  Email/alerts went out to everyone… close friends, colleagues, family, etc.. Here we were, still living together, and he wanted to make sure someone knew he was available.  I brought it to his attention, he apologized, but the damage was done.

Anyway, I don’t know his timeline after this.  What I do know is that the Ex must have been busy “entertaining” without his condoms, because he got a co-worker pregnant. He now lives in Miami with his baby mama (who also happened to be married to someone else at the time…).

Why do I take the time to explain this now?  Because for whatever reason, I just received multiple emails from colleagues that don’t know we are divorced.  As with anything, word does get around. I also wish I could send a link to this posting to everyone and just say, “here is the story”, but I don’t want to blow my cover.  But this is the truth.

I am frustrated that this is a part of my life, the fact that I’m am in any way, shape, or form part of the Ex’s drama. It didn’t have to be this way – but it is because he was a coward with me.   Strong words, I know.  Just really frustrated right now.

Lesson learned for me:

  1. I will not and do not let this experience define me. I love men, I think there are a lot of good ones out there, I just didn’t pick one the first time around.  So be it. There is always a next time.
  2. Actions speak louder than words.  I will always pay attention to actions. If the actions don’t meet their words, then I’m moving on.  Hope is for the birds.  As a friend once said to me, “If a guy wants to be with you, he will show up”.

And thats all she said…. for now.  😉