Paula's Ponderings

I’m now 4 days into the breakup.  My first weekend without ATrain.  It’s hard.  Weekends are going to be the hardest because that is when I have extra time on my hands.  The time I would usually spend running errands and hanging with the ATrain.

First, the fact that we are broken up doesn’t surprise me.  ATrain and I had been talking about our relationship, where we were, and had a few very frank conversations about what we each needed to make a relationship work.  So, having the conversation on Tuesday wasn’t a shocker in that we were talking about our relationship and our needs.

What I didn’t expect was that it wasn’t a conversation we had. It was him telling me that he had given thought to our past conversations, and that at the end of the day, he didn’t want what I wanted, and he didn’t care to meet my needs.  It was so abrupt. And on top of it, the parts about him being desired by other women who were/are waiting for me to get out-of-the-way AND his unexpected trip out-of-town this weekend…  It all just took me by surprise.

Yes, I’ve been mopey and sad.  No one likes to be rejected, especially by someone they love and care for.  Will I recover, yes. But it will take time, there is a lot of thinking I need to do.  After 4 days, I’ve come to realize that I’m very sad for myself.  ATrain has become a best friend.  He is also a very good friend to my friends.  He is definitely in “my circle” of very close friends.  He hasn’t called me today – and I miss that.  And I miss him.  It sucks.

But there is something else that is really upsetting to me.  It’s the question I keep asking myself.  Why did I wait so long to put my needs on the table?  What was I waiting for?  I believe I spent most of last year just trying to figure out what I wanted. And when I finally figured it out and was able to clearly articulate it, it took ATrain all of a week to figure out he didn’t want to go there.  So just like in my marriage, I spent a lot of time in a relationship that in the end, was never going to give me what I needed.  Why am I doing this to myself?

I just don’t get it.  With ATrain, I never felt safe. I never felt that I could let my guard down.  When we were living together I used to have dreams that I would come home from work and he was packing my things up and moving me out – and moving someone else in.  I was having these dreams over and over…  when things where really good between us.  I realize now (hindsight is 20/20) that I never felt like I could fully depend on him, that I had to be careful. Of course, I must mention that my worst years professionally have been the years I was with ATrain.  I do feel badly for him in the sense that I was not in a good place, and maybe he just didn’t know how to support me.  Who knows.

But things did get a lot better between us when I moved out….  but once you move out, move “away” from the relationship, it is very hard to bring it back together.  And that is where we were – trying to bring it back together, come together in a better way.  We all know the outcome of that effort.

I will be taking the great advice offered on Trifectatribe.com and spending a few months alone, remembering, analyzing, reflecting, and basically just mourning the loss of another relationship.  And when I’m ready to open up and make room for friends, family, and the like, I’ll get up and out..  It will happen.  It’s just a matter of time.

Regarding a few comments made on my Breakup post:

• I’m NOT upset that ATrain beat me to the punch wrt the breakup. I’m startled and hurt by the way the message was delivered and how quickly It feels that I’ve been forgotten.  It feels eerily similar to my experience with my ex-husband – he’s recovered rapidly and on the road to a new relationship before we are even over.  Why does this happen? Why do I take years to recover, and my ex’s can zip right out and find themselves “new girlfriends” within a week? So they don’t have to be alone? What is it?!?  Tell me!
• Regarding finding the diamond in the rough that is looking for a girl like me.  My Ex was that.  He was a quiet one that I noticed behind a computer monitor way back when..  and look how good that worked out for me.  By all appearances, he like it so much, he let it happen again while we were married. 😉
• I do believe there are good guys out there. I believe there are men who actually like and want to be in a relationship.  And these kinds of men, when they notice a great gal, will speak up and go after what they want.  And at this point, I want to be healthy, happy, and ready to engage.

There is a lot of work I need to do on myself.  To figure myself out (again) and get to a happy, healthy place.  I need to be sure of myself, sure of what I want, and this will get me to where I want to be – in a relationship where both parties are getting everything they want and need.

Here is to a healthy, happy 2015.