Paula's Ponderings

I would have written this weekend but I was tied up – with the flu, food poisoning, or some sort of stomach ailment that caused me to spend the weekend a) in fetal position, and b) the requirement to be in very close proximity to a clean and working toilet.

Maybe I had a few hallucinations, or maybe I’m just learning from my experiences, but here is where I’m at:

• 30 minute workouts are perfect for me.  By the time I realize I’m working out, the workout is over.  I could probably go 45 minutes with the same attitude..  But for now I’m signed up for three 30 minute fat blast sessions a week. I go in the mornings. I’m loving the instructor, the class, and don’t mind the 15 minute drive to a fro.
• Regularity is gods gift.  Too much is… well, is too much.  Not enough is painful.  My newfound love for daily movements is here to stay.
• Being a “working stiff” isn’t a bad thing.  It is hard to deal with when amongst the non-working crowd yes.  I have not mastered how to gracefully make this work. I have spent the last few years feeling insecure about being a “working girl” when I was hanging with all the folks who didn’t work. Why?  BECAUSE I couldn’t relate – and truth be told, I am envious.  I want to spend more time reading books, napping, taking vacations, seeing the world.  But I can’t. At least I cannot right now.

I’m starting to feel less envious and less bad about where I’m at.  It is NOT bad.  It IS what it is.  I am where I am.  It’s not where I would like to be, but I have 110% control of where I want to go next.  So I think I may be done with my pity party and onto my next adventure, which right now is cooking Thai food.  Which by the way, tastes much better when someone else is cooking it for me or tasting it with me.

As you all know, one of my new years resolutions is to stop buying things and to pay off all my debt.  I AM paying off my debts like a mad woman… however, I’ve slipped.  I think I’ve been torturing myself with not having the things I need, waiting for someone else to get them for me.  Since ATrain broke up with me, I started thinking – I deserve nice things!  I decided that I’m treating myself to the things I’ve needed to turn my cottage into a comfortable place for me to spend time.  I’m going for it – making my small casa feel like home and investing in myself.

• a new rug (LOVE IT),
• a new TV (it was on sale AND its awesome),
• and about $800 of new shoes and clothing.

It feels good, and is what has me rethinking  – I’m worth it.  Although I’d love another person to help me out, I’m not looking for a “helper”, I’m looking for a partner. Someone who wants me and us to have these things. ATrain has all these things, but they are for him, not for us.  And that is o.k. I’m glad he got and has these things for himself, it’s too bad I wasn’t part of it.

Anyway, I’m working hard at keeping myself busy – I’m putting my professional “business plan” in place, I’m going to my fat blaster class, and my mind is slowly coming out of the emotional cloud.  I like my downtime now.  It was scary at first, now its enjoyable.

And believe it or not, I’m taking lessons from my cats on how to value myself. Examples include:

• Zoey – there are 3 doors into/out of the cottage – whatever door is NOT open is the one that Zoey wants to come through.  And I DO IT!  I get up and open the door for her.  For example, the screen door next to the kitchen is open, the cat door is available to her 24-7. But Zoey will scratch at the closed front door to be let in. The front door is about 4 feet from the cat door.  Yes, that is right, 4 feet. But she scratches and I open…she demands and I get up – every time.
• Sophie – somehow ends up on my lap, while my laptop is on my side, on 2 pillows.. why? Because Sophie wouldn’t have it any other way.  And honestly, if I didn’t give her what she wanted, she would pester me until I would lose my mind.  So how did she train me to give her what she wants and I just do whatever (hurt my eyes, strain my back, etc.) to give her what she wants? She is a 9 pound cat!?!! And she is the boss.

So why am I so accommodating? Why am I not being as demanding as these two 9 pound monsters that rule my life?  No idea – because I’ve never been demanding? Because I don’t know how to be? I need to learn. It’s not about being demanding, it’s about knowing what I want and not being ashamed of it.

I’d love to hear your experiences about you getting stronger, learning to demand more at home and at the office.