I picked a random number for the Life Lesson number, but God, it feels like there has been too many of them as of late. How many have I ignored these past years or should have recognized?
This weekend has been brutal for me. I spent the entire time either crying, sleeping, or getting drunk (yes, by myself). Except for tonight – Sunday night. I’m watching one of many movies, one of which was a foreign film, which makes me focus on the words on the bottom of the screen and not the pity party I’ve been having so ensconced in all weekend.
I can’t believe how much I have cried this weekend. I almost didn’t go out today because my eyes are so swollen (Visine keeps the eyeballs white, doesn’t help with puffiness). And when I did go out, I cried between each stop (3 stops in total) and had to talk myself out of not stopping (stops included Home Depot, Crystal Springs Grocery, and a drop off to a local Thrift Store). I feel like I’m behaving like a child, and honestly speaking, a spoiled child. I knew how Atrain felt, I knew how I felt, but the loss of his presence is hard…much harder than I thought it would be. I’ve not spent a weekend alone in 3 years. It was an odd experience, one I didn’t like. BUT I did muster through it, I did actually finish the 3 out-of-the-house tasks. That is something. Or at least it feels like something. I’m celebrating – with a bottle of wine no less!
I do believe the best way to finish a “first weekend without your partner” is to drink a bottle of wine and watch a foreign film. I recommend this only because it worked for me. I am drinking a bottle from BevMo – Valpolicella. And the foreign film I’m watching is Happy Happy. This is classified as a comedy, this IS NOT a comedy. It’s dark, it’s sad, I don’t know on what planet this would be considered a comedy. But I understand it. I get the loss, the desire for sex, and ultimately the new beginnings that this movie speaks of….. It’s really about how things come to change through a physical move, a renewed focus, a new perspective. About how life can unfold as you least expect it. It’s a cross between The Holiday, O Brother, Where Art Thou, Brokeback Mountain, and a little bit of Butter in there… I don’t know why in the world this would be considered a comedy, but it is…
I did not do any work this weekend. Not because I didn’t think about it, not because it’s not due, but because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything outside of crying, my tasks (as listed above), or working my ass of trying not to focus on my current predicament. Yes, I will feel the pain tomorrow when clients/customers/colleagues expected something from me and I did not deliver. I will have to deal with that. I am wondering how I did this after my divorce – how did I keep my job?? My thought is that my manager helped me out greatly – helped steer me in the right direction while I was not right.
So it is early – but my girls are home with me, I need to get some sleep, and pull myself together for work tomorrow. I’m preparing for a long week ahead. Next weekend is a girls weekend, which I’m super unprepared for ..
Paula's Ponderings 
This is so very hard for you. 😦
I feel your pain. I’ve been there myself (fewer tears but same feelings) and had many close friends in the same dark place too.
When I lived in England, my neighbor was an MP (Member of Parliament), and I used to chat to him or his wife when I was walking the neighborhood with the young girls. He collapsed and died at Westminster. The next time I saw his wife as I was walking, I stopped to chat as usual. I could see it in her eyes. She was broken. I didn’t know at that time how to express that I’d been in her in place when someone close to me died when I just out of college. I knew that she would mourn, go through the various stages of grief, that some days would too much to bear, and eventually she would emerge as a different and ‘working’ person. I had no way to say that I could see her short-term future so clearly but couldn’t do anything to make it less painful.
You have lots of support here and, I am sure, in your personal life. Vent, yell, whatever you need.
Cheers, SD.
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