I’m so frustrated with myself for so many reasons.
I’m in Nashville this week, on a business trip. Prior to coming to Nashville, I was in Utah visiting with family and friends.
My birthday was last Friday – I’m officially 44. I spent the weekend with my friends in Park City. They spoiled me with great meals and their fabulous company. C-Licious, one of my best friends, moved to Utah 10 months ago. I miss her desperately. It was so good to see her, but it also made me realize that I do feel really incredibly alone in CA without her. She was the one I visited with most often …we spent a couple of times a week together as well as at least one weekend night. I do have other very close friends near me, but they all have their busy lives and I do not see them often.
Now that I’m in Nashville, I am interacting with folks but I’m not connecting. It is like I am numb all over, and no matter what I do I can’t seem to feel. Feel anything. I’ve heard some great stories about people, friends, their families. Normally I would be totally engaged… moved by the intimacy of sharing experiences. Not this week – I really like the folks I’ve spent time with, but I am having a difficult time connecting. That is my thing – I have an ability to connect with most people on just about anything… I just couldn’t do it this week.
What is wrong with me? I had such aspirations at the beginning of this year. I was so excited, so energized to make changes. And now the year is almost half over and I’ve done nothing to change the course of my life. I know I need to, I know I want to, I’ve even written it all out in my 2015 New Years Resolutions. I know the important things take time, but god damn it, I need a bone. Something, a small sign that this is the right path… that life is going to get better, a light at the end of the tunnel… that things WILL get better soon… I keep thinking that I need some time off, a trip away, a long one where I can regroup and get my bearings back… but I am not in a financial position to do this. This is something I will create for myself so this situation never happens again. But for now, it’s not going to happen.
All I can do is think. My mind just spins, over and over. I moving towards my New Years Resolutions, but outside of that, I’m doing nothing. Because my NYR are taking a while, I feel I’m frozen. I’m standing still, unable to move in any direction. I keep telling myself that I will feel different once I reach my goals – once I lose the extra weight, once I get my finances in order, once I get to where I want to be professionally…. but these things aren’t going to happen if I do not DO SOMETHING.
I am in a sad state. I know that this is just a phase, and it will pass. But right now I’m desperate for change. Desperate to get out of this life I’m in – that I wake up to everyday and wish desperately that it was different. . So much so that I am now seriously considering moving to Utah. I’ve been looking at real-estate – what I can afford is exactly what I want AND I can afford it. My biggest fear about moving back is being alone… Salt Lake City isn’t exactly the mecca for singles, especially singles in their mid-forties. But it’s not like I’ve done that well for myself in CA. And the good part is a better quality of life, I will be closer to my family, and of course to C-Licious.
Do i stick to my current plan, my New Years Resolutions, or do I just pick up and move on? Moving seems easier, my life would be easier – less financial stress, less job stress, I would be closer to my family and friends. The thing that hold me back is that I would not be able to get back into the Bay Area (once I sell I can’t purchase again – all prices are out of my range)….. . the real question is do I really care about having a foothold in the Bay Area?
Well, it’s late in Nashville. There was a party tonight and I couldn’t muster up the energy to go. One of the first cities that I’ve visited that I didn’t get out and mingle with locals. Sad really, I was very much looking forward to this trip – to seeing Nashville. I’ve heard so many great things about the city and the people. Another thing that I didn’t do because i just didn’t have the energy to get out and socialize.
I’m so lame right now. Lame friend, lame person, dull and unexciting. I’ve lost my Paula Peppiness… I’ve got to get my groove back. Any guidance on how to do this would be helpful and appreciated.
Now I need to get to bed so I can catch a plane home. I get home late on Friday and I’m looking forward to seeing and holding my precious babies.
Paula's Ponderings 
I’m sorry, I’m going to disagree with everyone, Harold’s comment about a funk.
I think at the time you wrote this you were depressed. An inability to connect, the yearn for something different, or somewhere different. These were all ways you were telling yourself that you wanted a way out.
Making a decision about where to live while depressed is probably a Bad Thing. The first preference might be to the help needed to get out of the funk and make a decision later with a clearer head.
Enough time has passed, and later posts show… you seem to be on the rebound. Great!
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I’m going against the grain on this one Paula as I’ve been where you are now (more than once). If you’re not happy and you have the means and foothold to make a change (even if it is just a location), then I say do it.
While a change in location won’t ‘fix’ things, if you truly think you would be happier being closer to family and your best friend, then do it.
You can’t stay in the Bay Area just because you’re afraid that the real estate market will out-pace you. If you move and you’re happy where you land, then why look back? You could always visit, rent, couch surf, whatever if it ever came down to it.
You have to do what you feel is right for yourself. Although the day may come when C-Licious drifts off or gets too busy, if you think a new place, closer to family is what may help pull you out of your funk, then go for it.
I know you travel for work, so I’m guessing you’re able to telecommute? Why not ‘move’ to Utah (if your job would allow it) for a few months and sort of test the waters. You could sublet your place in CA, put it up on AirBNB or whatever if you needed to.
I’m sort of rambling at this point, but like I said earlier, I was in your same position several years ago and I had the chance to move. I didn’t do it. And I regret it. I would always want to regret something that I gave a chance than something that I was too afraid to try. But that’s just me ………
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Hi GG! Thank you for your ideas. I was thinking it had to be all or nothing. Sell and move to UT or stay in CA. I am now thinking of a 3rd option – keeping my house rented and renting temporarily in Utah to see how I like it. It is a very viable option. If I don’t like it, then I’ll just come back to CA and either move into my house OR find another apartment.
I’m going to approach my manager about working remotely a few weeks a month and see what he says… It is not a bad idea.
I agree with you – I’d rather live with a mistake than with regret. I don’t know when it happened, when I started to play it safe vs. going for what I wanted…
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Well Paula you are in a serious funk. I know that moving might seem like a good break but you are correct it woul be extreamy difficult to come back the the bay area given the prohibitively expensive nature the place. There is a saying you can never go back. Many people much smarter than I have used it and its correct. You can only go forward.
The plans that you drew at New Years were a fine outline but life is not on a schedual or are its subtle currents easy to chart. I think of life as a swift and wide river that we all need to cross. With the current or against it, the choice is up to you. Getting to the other side is the end result, dog padle or back stroke, it really maters not. The only one keeping score is you.
Your head is still ringing from being suckerpunched, having a clear perspective on the world with blury vision.
Somedays you need to fake it till you make it. Mayber force yourself to go out the the next work party. Mayber you wont meat someone but you could have a good conversation. That’s a whole lot better that watching bad TV in your room.
Be well H.S.
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Thank you Harold. You are one of my biggest supporters – I love coming out and reading your wise words – they give me perspective and help change the thoughts swirling in my head.
You are right, just because I want this to be the Year of the Paula, and I’ve got a plan to make it so, things do not always go according to plan. I will get past this, to the other side of the river. I do wish I would relax and enjoy the journey more vs. struggling to make it right RIGHT NOW. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine.
I’m headed home now – sipping a glass of wine while I wait for my pulled pork sandwich.. This seems like a better place to be than in my room eating a terrible turkey burger by myself.
Again, thank you for your kind, thoughtful words.
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We’re you are at now, is where I was in the winter. I’m from the Boston area and we had the worst winter on record in terms of cold and snowfall. I could not muster any energy and I am far from a lazy person. My friend was actually worried about me, but it has turned around since the spring and the glorious weather we are (finally) enjoying.
I believe that you have to force yourself to do things, even when you don’t want to. Like I tell my kids, “You don’t get to go through this life just doing the things that you feel like doing.”
As far as moving, remember, wherever you go, there you are (used to say that to my ex, and it used to drive him crazy [insert evil laugh here]). If you’re not happy here, I’m sure that after you settle in somewhere else, it will be more of the same. Just move for the right reasons, not to escape.
Hang in there, things will turn around. I’m sure we’ve all been in your place, if not now, then in the past, and again in the future. It’s the pattern of life, I suppose, the up’s and down’s.
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Hi Cheryl. Thank you for your perspective. Your statement – “You don’t get to go through this life just doing the things that you feel like doing” sounds like something my father would say… and he is a wise man.
Thank you for taking the time to post your experience – it does help me know that I am not alone in this world..
I do have confidence that this is just a phase, and I will get through it, but lordy, I would like the better times to come sooner rather than later..
Again, thank you.
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