Paula's Ponderings

Answers to the questions friends & family are asking me.

I am a nice person. It’s my nature to see the good in all people. I trust people and take them at their word. I assume people are like me — honest, kind, compassionate, empathetic, etc..

When someone tells me they are at work, I believe them. I believe it because that is what I am doing. When someone tells me they are “just a friend”, I believe them. Because I mean it when I say it — I tell the truth, I don’t hide things. And when in a committed relationship, I am as transparent as possible.

I thought Trash was like me — kind, sincere, in love with me, and wanted the same things in a long-term committed relationship. Obviously I would NOT have turned my world upside down if I didn’t believe this. I was invested and I showed it through my actions:

• All the time and money to fly back and forth between Salt Lake City Utah and Rocky Point Mexico for the first 6 months
• The purchase of a house in Chandler to be closer to him
• Moving to Rocky Point Mexico in December to live with him
• Help him raise his 13 year old wayward son for 6 months
• and finally, the selling of my home in Salt Lake City Utah so we could be together forever

The demise of the relationship and the way it ended sits entirely on Trash’s shoulders (story to come). He found me, a good girl, mirrored me to get what he wanted. Based on all the research I’ve done, it’s his MO — His behavior with me is consistent with his past 3 girlfriends AND his ex-wife (story to come).

The truth is, the person he presented to me is not who he is. He is a conman and a narcissist. He played a long con-game and I simply did not see it. I never new narcissists existed, so I was blindsided when it ended.

At first I was ashamed, embarrassed that I was so gullible, that I didn’t suspect a thing until August 24th. A good friend of mine said “Don’t make it your problem. He is at fault.”

This made me feel a lot better about the situation, and has given me the strength to share my story in hopes that others become aware that there are monsters on this planet and you need to be very careful.

I have spent the last 4 months now (to the day), researching and learning all about Narcissism and how this could have happened to me. This Medium article by Myla Morningstar The Covert Narcissist’s Wish List: 10 Traits of the Ideal Victim does a great job explaining how I was a perfect target.

So here is what I have learned / come to grips with over these last 4 months:

• The person Trash presented to me never existed; he was mirroring me to get what he wanted.
• That what I thought we shared was not real (real to me, not to him).
• He lied to me about everything; he never blocked his ex, Lola (they remained friends and even slept together while we were in a committed relationship).
• That he used my trust in him to have multiple affairs and hookups; we were never in a committed relationship in his mind.

All I did was love someone, truly, deeply, and trusted that what he told me was true. This does not make me a bad person nor is it something to be ashamed of. And I will not change who I am because of this experience. I will continue to be loving, trusting, empathic and compassionate. But what I will do, moving forward, is:

• I will not reveal my past and/or my future desires too early in a relationship. By sharing too much, Trash learned how to manipulate me and personify the partner I was looking for. TikTok’s mentalhealness a self-aware narcissist spells it out here: First Meeting a Narcissist
• I will not date anyone who claims all their ex’s are crazy. TikTok’s healingoutloud says it best here: When the narcissist says “my ex is crazy” they actually mean..
• I will not date anyone who only has female “friends”. Especially if these female “friends” are disrespectful to me, us, and/or our relationship. Great Tiktok by coryskolnik explains it well: What narcissists mean when they say “she is just a friend”.
• If my partner starts accusing me of things I would never do, I know now it is because it is the very thing they are doing. TikTok’s _jenn_amber says it best: Accusations from a narcissist are actually confessions.

Knowing what I know now has given me the closure I need to move on from this brutal life lesson. Outside of a few more stories that need to be shared, I will focus on my future, move past this, and start living my life again.

Thank you all for reading and please share this with any friends or family that you think may be involved with a narcissist. I wished someone had let me know sooner, because finding out on my own has been a very painful experience.