Love

3 H’s – Head, Heart, and Heat – aka Chemistry.

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One more thing.  Even though I’ve been working a lot, my mind has been spinning.  The people who know me would recognize this as the “Paula Jukebox”.

 I’ve been thinking about what BF Unicorn and I talked about this weekend.    The hardest part, for us, and certainly for me, is realizing that the person you have married/loved/dated doesn’t recognize the rarity of the connection.  The rarity of finding someone that you feel the “3 H’s” for AND that you think that they feel the same way about you.  But in the end, they linger on in your mind, because it is mind-boggling that they don’t feel the same way (or aren’t willing to admit it).  Harsh.

So, what are the 3 H’s?  You all know them…  

  •  head,
  • heart, and
  • heat. 

The magic is when these 3 things align FOR BOTH PARTIES involved…..  when you are connected at a intellectual level, when there is a synergy that is unexplainable, and there is a passion, an attraction for each other that cannot be satiated….  I call this magical.   And which is why its so hard to let go of someone that you feel this way about/with…… or the possibility/potential for this.  It is really hard to understand why anyone would turn this down.  Obviously the answer is that the other person doesn’t feel the 3 H’s for you…

On my side,  I’ve only experienced this 2x in my life…  (1) My EX, who I can’t remember much about these days except for the last 2 years of our marriage, which where horrible.    (2)  The second and most genuine, honest relationship was with the first man I dated after my divorce… My Mr. Big.  The man I still carry a torch for, who sets the bar high for everyone else.  And the (3) 3rd time was not the actuall experience of it, but the potential of experiencing it again, was with Dear Paula Letter writer.  Experiencing the 3H’s is so rare, its still shocking to me that when you find it, feel it,  man or woman, that you dont just let go of whatever is going on and experience it, soak it all in, every bit of it.  No matter how long it lasts…   

I think that I’m the kind of person that can’t, won’t settle down unless I have “it all”….  all the H’s.  And which is why it takes me foooorrrevverrr to a) find someone, and b) get over someone (thus the creation and blathering on in this blog).   I don’t think I get over these relationships, but more just get passed them, move on, and prepare myself for a new and different (and smarter) experience. 

O.k.. enough thinking for tonight.  I really need to go to bed – I have to get up at 6am to catch my flight (and I’m not an early bird).  Good night.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

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I’ve always struggled with this statement… is it true that the absence of someone makes you want them, pine for them more?  Or is it the other way, “Out Of Sight, Out of Mind”? 

I have to say, for me, I miss, with all my being, the folks I want to hear from.  I think about them, wonder about them, wish them, mentally will them, to reach out to me.  It sometimes hurts to think about them, want them to have them think about me, but not hear from them….  I have just realized this week that I think too much about it.  I’m sure my best, sure bet is to just let it all go and assume “out of sight, out of mind”.

So, does thinking about this, thinking about wanting to hear from people, men that I’m interested in, make me needy?  I’m starting to think so.   Maybe I’m less independent than I thought…   I question myself ONLY because I sway in this thought with men.. and dating.  Why?  Because I know, that even if I dont speak to my girlfriends for a day, a few days, a week, or weeks, I know in my heart of hearts that I will see them again, that they love me, I love them, and all is well.   Its just not the same with men.Men, or at least the men I’ve connected with lately (or not …. ha!!!) , just haven’t established a pattern of consistency.  Just doesn’t seem the way “they” work.  I do feel it has more to do with “them”…  that its not so much the fear of commitment, but more so the fear of committing to the unknown….   Not wanting to give the wrong impression about their intentions.   Or, thats the story I’m telling myself tonight.

I realize I’m thinking much more about this than “they” are.  My head tells me to let it go, its exactly the way that it is, and that I should take it at face value, “out of sight out of mind”.  I guess, now that ‘m traveling more, I want to make the most of my time home, so I want to “schedule” in time to see the people that I care most about.   That’s just my Type A personality.  But as much as I want that, I think that what I need to do is just relax and go with the flow (isn’t that what dating, and/or life in general is all about?)…..    I do think that if a man wanted to see me, he would call me and make a plan to see me.  Certainly, there are gents out there that ARE calling, that ARE making the effort…   it just so happens that the these are not so much the guys I want to hear from….  😉

Lordy, one of these days, there will be recipricocity….  the man/men I want to be with will actually be the man/men that want to be with me.  Won’t that be something to celebrate?    I’ll let you know when that happens.

Dear Paula Letter.

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I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Someone To Count On.

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The move is over.  All items have been moved into my new home.  I now have the task of unpacking all my boxes, finding places for the things I have.    I moved from 1900 sq ft to 1200 sq ft so as I unpack, I will be selling stuff.  I do not plan on putting anything on storage – if I don’t use it, out it goes – I don’t need it.

The reason I write today is because of what is on my mind.  I have been very stressed out about my financial situation (no more cash cushion), the move, and my job.  Yes, when it rains, it pours.  I think there is a new strategy at play at work, and I will not be a part of this new strategy…  this news has come at a very bad time for me given my jump back into real estate.

This is the time that I would really love to have someone in my life that I could count on, that I could lean on.   Life is not easy – it often throws us curve-balls, I get it, but its at these times that it would be nice to have someone in my corner.  I am scared, I am stressed, I have a ton of anxiety….  I would love to be able to turn to a partner, my partner, and have them just give me a hug and say, “it will be o.k., we’ll get thru it together”.  I’d like to say I’ve had this in my life, but I haven’t.  I’ve had boyfriends that have comforted me, give me the support I needed, but alas it was not permanent.  My EX, did not know how to be supportive (compassionate, empathetice, etc..), but I thought that would change with marriage… FYI, it did NOT. 

Anyway, I think it takes a lot of work to have a relationship where someone truly has your back and you theirs.  That you can trust and they trust you – with your lives.   I have friends who have relationships like this, and its so nice to see its possible. 

My friends have been very supportive…  My peeps definitely take care of me, support me when I’m down, out, or otherwise dis-enchanted.  I’m lucky to have them in my life.

Road Trip.

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I spent the weekend with family.  It was a busy but rewarding weekend.

The fabulous A’s came out, my niece and her daughter, and we drove a car to UT, the one she will  use to get herself to and from school.  Its a great beauty – an older truck that has been very well taken care of (thank you Dancing Queen) but has plenty of life left in her.  Her name – Ethel.  We loved Ethel, she is in the prime of her life.   I’ll post pictures of Ethel in a few days. 

We started our drive on Saturday morning, stopped off in Winemucca, NV (where “there is always something going on” according to the 100’s of billboards up to the Hills Have Eyes town) for a bite to eat, slept in Elko, NV, and finished our trip in Lehi, UT, which is where I’m now.  My flight from SLC to CA was cancelled this evening, I’m heading home to the cats tomorrow. 

I would normally be annoyed by the airlines not being able to get their act together, but not this time.  I feel relieved as now I am able to spend time with family.  My mom is taking caree of her a few of her grandkids – my youngest sisters kids. One of them is Bubba, a nephew that is near and dear to my heart. I fell in love with this little guy the minute I met him – named him Bubba myself.  Not because he looked like a fat man who played a part in Deliverance, but because he had the warmest spirit and biggest smile of any little boy I knew.  My heart melted, and Bubba has had a special place in my heart since.

Anyway, due to a family emergency, the boys are are here at Grandma’s.  And tonight, I’m the lucky one – I get to sleep with one of my favorite men of all time – Bubba.  I’m headed to bed soon, he is fast asleep…  so adorable!  I hear he snores and likes to kick….   who doesn’t?!??!

All in all, this is an experience I will remember.  Glad I did it. Puts a smile on my face just thinking about it.  And who doesn’t like a lady who smiles?

Moved On… Mostly.

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So, I feel that I’ve mostly moved on (from the divorce).  I thought I had completely recoverd until recently. 

Most of the time when I think about th EX and his behaviors,  I just shrug and say “oh well,  his deal, not mine” and just move on.   I do this 90% of the time.  But that other 10% …well, I still have some work to do. 

You see, my EX is getting re-married.  Marrying the woman he cheated on me with (or one of the women, who knows).  This in and of itself doesn’t bother me, what is bothering me, and gets my blood boiling, is the years of my life he wasted.

For years my Ex was somewhere else…. check-out, missing, out of touch, disconnected. I asked him, over and over again, about  about his happiness, our relationship, his distance.  In fairness, we had a lot going on, it was not easy.  I struggled, he struggled…..  We struggled independently, never together.  Our struggles did not bring us closer.  I wanted them to, I asked and asked what I could do… I always got nothing – he said he was “fine”.

BUT he wasn’t fine.  He was living a double life – obviously very unhappy in his “public” life, but he never said anything.  I think this is what ultimately still gets be all worked up (the feelings I’ve not dealt well with) is the frustration/anger over the EX’s dishonesty.  The EX could have left in 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007..  I was begging him for communication, honesty and truth. I Gave him an out every time… I just wanted him to be happy, even if that meant NOT with me.   But he bold face lied to me  – said he was “fine”.   My nievate, his words, or a combination of both, made me believe that we could make it.  Knowing what I know now, makes me realize what a dumb ass I was.   And I HATE feeling like I’ve been played.

Its not my nievate that bugs me (it will soon enough though), its his dishonesty and the time I wasted because of it.   Had he just been honest with me, I could be in an entirely different place.  Had he said what he really felt (or at the very least talked about what he was doing), we could have seperated/divorced in 2005 (which is when I think he “disconnected”) and  I would be in an entirely different place. My life could have involved a new family, a loving husband, etc…. Now, at 40, I realize, I will be a great step-mom…   Three years is not a big deal on the larger scheme of things, but 3 years at 35-36 is a very big deal.

Yes, I hear you, another pitty party for Paula…  but honestly, its really hard NOT to think about how different my life could be right now had the EX  had an ounce of integrity and had just been honest.

Now, I am aware that I chose to stay in a less-than-ideal relationship, but I did it for the right reasons – I was in love.  I really thought/believed/felt that we could make it.  Had I known what I know today, I would have made very different decisions. And this is what frustrates me.  I wasn’t given the option to make the decisions that were best for me.

The good news is is that I believe this to be the last hurdle.  I do think that after I resolve my feelings about this I will be ready to get back out there.

Sometimes it just take a while to rebound, and my journey has been long and hard – 2008-2010 where the years of recovery and discovery.   2008 and 2009 are a bit hazy, 2010 has been a year of learning and getting myself back to the same place I was 10 years ago. You could say I’ve gone full circle, I’ve landed in the same “space” (obviously much older, wiser, and more mature) that I was 10 years ago –  I’m once again the “single, unmarried woman”, purchasing a house in an “up and coming” neighborhood…  

But 2011, 2011 will be my year, another Year of the Paula.  … . New home, healthy cats, a “daugther” with a degree, and now room in my heart and life for a new and loving partner.  2011 will be my year.   Watch out Paula fans!!

New Horizons.

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So, today is the last day of my vacation. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m on my way home, begin work on Monday, and fall back into the basic routine of my everyday life.

But today is one of the most memorable for me.  I just completed a vacation where I got uninterrupted time with both my mother and my neice. 

I spent 3 days, 2 nights with my mother, who told me stories about she and my father, about their parents, and their grandparents.  It was fascinating to learn more about my parents NOT as parents, but as people; as children, teenagers, and young folks; to hear about their lives, growing up, and the history that has influenced who I am.  I will share some of these stories as I process them.

I also  spent 3  nights, 3 days with my niece, who I feel as close to as a daughter (I imagine).  We talked about anything and everything; her children (3 and 1, the darlingist little ladies in the world!!), our family, our relationship, our past, her future….   I am so incredibly proud of her.   You see, I had custody of her years ago, during her teenage years.  Unfortunately for all of us, we needed to place her in a girls school for  a year.  We chose a school in Hurricane, UT because of its program to counsel vs. punish…  Today, 5 years later, my neice and I went to the school, drove thu Hurricane, and relived that difficult time.   The experience feels both like it happened yesterday AND forever ago.

The reason that today was so special for me is because of how much my niece has matured and what a great person she has become.  I knew this day would come, I had confidence in her, I believed in her… and today, her plans for herself and her girls, proved to me that the difficult experience we had was all worth it.   Its hard to believe that the 2 year old I fell head over heals in love with is now 21, a mother of 2 very happy and healthy girls, and a  college student.  She amazes me.

I have a few pictures of us, with town of Hurricane, UT behind us (so fitting).  What I’ve shared here is a view of Hurricane without us as to not blow my cover.  BTW, the pictures of us turned out fabulously – we are absolutely gorgeous!!  🙂

Marketing Matters.

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This was a statement from a very good friend of mine at dinner this evening.  It was said in the context of business, but as I thought about it, it applies to a lot of things , including one’s personal life.

So its been years since I’ve dated, and now that I’m almost 40, I will begin dating as an ‘older person’… this line struck very close to home.

Dating at 40 is not easy.  Men that are available are either married or just out of marriages and interested in just getting out there and/or dating younger women. I think its just a phase (as I explained to my friend), but it is what it is.  My opinion is that eventually these men will come to and realize that what they really want is a partner; someone that cares about them, that they care about, that the feeling is mutual, and the sex is great.   He agreed.  It is sometimes this simple.

The point my friend was making is that no matter what, “Marketing Matters”; so the way you present yourself is key.  His first recommendation was that I NOT wear the pants I had on as they are not flattering…    I don’t often look at what I put on, I just throw it on..  and the pants I threw on were my Trade Show pants (those of you in the software business knows what this means).   His point was that no matter whatever you are doing – from building/selling a company to grocery shopping,  that the way you market and present yourself matters.

I had not thought about it this way, but right now his advice is ringing true – if you want to draw something/someone into your life, well then, dress the part!!  So, I need new pants (and this is NOT the first time I’ve heard this… I was told this very same thing by someone else while in a different pair of pants).. and I need to walk a bit taller, exude confidence, and just be myself, and get some new pants.

Again, its about putting myself out there, and putting myself out there in the right pants.  😉  Kidding of course.   I do get the message and I thank my dear friend for making it.   I consider myself enlightened.

“I’ve Fallen And I CAN Get Up.”

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Yes, a slight adjustment to a an old infomercial favorite – “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”.  My usage of this every popular catch phrase has more to do with emotional health, not a medical (physical) emergency.

2008 was a very tough year. 2009 is/was a recovery year. As I look back, 2009 was about figuring out “my stuff”.   It’s taken a lot longer than I thought it would, but then again, I feel like I want to be solid, standing strong and on my own two feet before I get back into living life.  

 I have been a recluse this year. I’ve done this on purpose… somewhat. The good thing is that I’ve focused on me, what I want and need. The bad thing is that I’ve kept to myself most of the year and not reached out to good friends.  Thinking about this year has me thinking about what I want/need in the new year. Right now I’m not sure what 2010 will bring, but I will give it some serious thought these next few days. 

I’ll keep you posted.

Secret Sauce.

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So, what is it about people that makes them “click” with other people?  You know, that chance encounter that turns into a lifelong friendship, that glance that turns into a lifetime partner?

I was thinking about this tonight as I missed my friends……  how much I love them, how much I miss them when they are away, how much I want to take care of them, and how much I want the very best for them, even if it takes them away from me. 

My friendships with my dearest friends started based on chance encounters… a meeting thru a mutual friend, thru work, and/or over commonalities discovered thru cocktailing (half joking)…..  Either way, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that there is now a compartment, a piece of my heart, dedicated to “my peeps”, and I would absolutely feel their absence, be heart broken if any one of them were to not exist in my everyday life.

So, I wont think about this anymore.  Just a “private” note to tell all my dear friends out there that I love and adore you, think of you often (even when I dont reach out), and only wish you what I consider the very best – true happiness.