New Horizons.

So, today is the last day of my vacation. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m on my way home, begin work on Monday, and fall back into the basic routine of my everyday life.

But today is one of the most memorable for me.  I just completed a vacation where I got uninterrupted time with both my mother and my neice. 

I spent 3 days, 2 nights with my mother, who told me stories about she and my father, about their parents, and their grandparents.  It was fascinating to learn more about my parents NOT as parents, but as people; as children, teenagers, and young folks; to hear about their lives, growing up, and the history that has influenced who I am.  I will share some of these stories as I process them.

I also  spent 3  nights, 3 days with my niece, who I feel as close to as a daughter (I imagine).  We talked about anything and everything; her children (3 and 1, the darlingist little ladies in the world!!), our family, our relationship, our past, her future….   I am so incredibly proud of her.   You see, I had custody of her years ago, during her teenage years.  Unfortunately for all of us, we needed to place her in a girls school for  a year.  We chose a school in Hurricane, UT because of its program to counsel vs. punish…  Today, 5 years later, my neice and I went to the school, drove thu Hurricane, and relived that difficult time.   The experience feels both like it happened yesterday AND forever ago.

The reason that today was so special for me is because of how much my niece has matured and what a great person she has become.  I knew this day would come, I had confidence in her, I believed in her… and today, her plans for herself and her girls, proved to me that the difficult experience we had was all worth it.   Its hard to believe that the 2 year old I fell head over heals in love with is now 21, a mother of 2 very happy and healthy girls, and a  college student.  She amazes me.

I have a few pictures of us, with town of Hurricane, UT behind us (so fitting).  What I’ve shared here is a view of Hurricane without us as to not blow my cover.  BTW, the pictures of us turned out fabulously – we are absolutely gorgeous!!  🙂

Innocence Lost.

I’ve gone done broked it.   Paula has gone and done something stupid….

So, I’m sitting at home over Thanksgiving weekend, sick as a dog, working on a demo that was not cooperating, and basically feeling sorry for myself.  I had gone as far as I could with the demo – literally sitting at home for 4 days straight (no turkey dinner for me, just instant cup-o-soup (yes folks, thats ramen)), 15 hours a day, trying to get software to behave in ways that it wasn’t designed to do (however it all worked perfectly in my head).  On Sunday, after a 4 day work-weekend, I gave up. I sent out a lengthy email to folks at work, outlining all my troubles and stop-spots, looking for support first thing MOnday morning.


It’s Sunday night, 10pm, I’m feeling sorry for myself, so I grab a bottle of wine (I know, BIG surprise), and log onto a website that my friend recommended to me: a sugar daddy website.  I know, I know.. you DO NOT have to tell me what is oh-so-wrong with this picture…


Anyway, my girlfriend had told me that a very wealthy friend of hers finds great dates on this site.  So I’m thinking that I would so much rather be on a dance floor with a glass of wine in hand than at home, by myself with software that wasn’t cooperating (as it turns out, the software works, my ideas of how it should work is what is the problem)… I seriously thought to myself, I’m a good looking woman, great sense of humor, fun-loving, good-natured.. why am I busting my ass..?? I need a Sugar Daddy!!


I thought to myself, what is wrong with finding someone who also has money?  I married for love and look how that turned out (not so good).  So I thought to myself, I needto be more realistic (instead of niave) about what relationships about…. an exchange. So, I make a list of all the things I have to offer as well as the things I want.  Seemed reasonable…  So I write up what I think is this great profile, how I’m independent, looking for a gentleman with means who wants an intelligent, articulate, fun lady, interested in travel and adventure… blah blah blah.


Those of you reading, I’m sure, one of your hands has just slapped your forehead, and you are saying, out loud “ohh no no.., what is wrong with Paula”?   Yes, I agree.  What a mistake.  Yes, I am NOW fully aware of the flaws of my thought process. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the idiot on the planet, and everyone around me is ‘normal’.   But what surprises me, again and again, is my niavete. Why do I always think the best of people, only to be disappointed and/or saddened when people are who they are? 


For those of you NOT in the know, the sugar daddy websites are basically for legalized prostitution… men looking to exchange their funds for young ‘ladies’ willing to do whatever it takes for these funds. Probably a great site if you are a woman looking to give goods away for $$… or a sugardaddy with $$ looking to fulfill a fetish or two .  Which is fine, nothing wrong with it.  I however, am/was not looking for that kind of exchange….


I was very shocked and troubled by the responses.  And though it makes a great story, I quickly realized that I do not belong on this site.   Although I’m stil not sure what I want a partner (I am enjoying NOT being responsible for a failing relationship/failed marriage), I am pretty clear on what I’m NOT looking for:  a submissive man (apparently my profile screamed dominatrix), a “happily” married man looking for adventure, or basically anyone that would sign up for this site.


Life goes on.. Another lesson learned:  find out what the definition of “exchange” is before signing up for anything…..

Pleasant Surprises.

So, life is full of surprises. A very good surprise happened to me this evening – I got a call from an old friend.  It is simple: someone I really really like, thought about me and took action to give me a call… Not only did it put the biggest smile on my face, my mood lightened, my heart sang (oh yes it did!!). 

I’ve been thinking too much lately, been in a funk if you will (the woe is me type of feeling). Usually when I’m in this kind of mood,  I pacify myself by telling myself (over and over and over again) how lucky I am to: be alive, not be living in Afghanistan, have all my limbs, have an education, money in the bank, etc.. There is a lot to be grateful for is the point, I get it.

But tonight, like I said, I got a surprise call from a friend, a friend that I absolutely adore. Someone who is too modest and tells me all the reasons I shoudn’t adore them, which, of course, makes me adore them all the more. There are very few people in this world that I would drop everything for and/or do anything for…. (after all, I am Paula and IT IS ALL ABOUT ME), this is one of those friends. 

This surprise call happened over an hour ago, and I still cant stop smiling..  which brings me to the topic of this entry: Pleansant Surprises.  Isn’t this what life is really about?

Life goes on, its a matter of fact, it just does (unless, of course, you are dead). You are either living or dead.  But what makes life worth living?  Yes, I know, people will say (you might even say) money, a great house, kids… all trappings of what “life” is supposed to be about, what has been defined as “a successful life”.    But, I do think, after you lose everything you think you wanted you realize that life is made up of experiences… moments in time, which can be good and bad (although I think we all prefer the good)… and when good things happen, even if it is as simple as a phone call from a friend, this is the treasure of life.

I’m not sure what happened to me (although I’m sure my family and friends do!), but its no longer about things.  I am perging things like there is no tomorrow… somewhere in this seperation/divorce mess, I’ve learned to detach myself from the “things” in my life and become not attached, but so appreciative of the small things that bring meaning to my life.

I love my friends, and I love that they not only think of me, but that they take the time to reach out to me… it means a lot.

So, if you have a friend that you think about often but have not talked to in a while, take the time this holiday season to reach out to them.  It means a lot, for the both of you. Could be a renewed connection, an estranged family member,  or someone that had a great impact/influence in your life.  Just do it – take the first step, be the bigger person, and make it happen – reach out and connect with your fellow human being.  And maybe, just maybe, your friend is reading this blog entry, and they give you a call!  If they do, embrace them, cherish their effort, and enjoy the fact that someone out there is thinking about you.

Alright, yes, I will stop drinking the red nectar of the gods and go to bed.  I hope my point has been made and you all get off your duffs and DO SOMETHING.