Moved On… Mostly.

So, I feel that I’ve mostly moved on (from the divorce).  I thought I had completely recoverd until recently. 

Most of the time when I think about th EX and his behaviors,  I just shrug and say “oh well,  his deal, not mine” and just move on.   I do this 90% of the time.  But that other 10% …well, I still have some work to do. 

You see, my EX is getting re-married.  Marrying the woman he cheated on me with (or one of the women, who knows).  This in and of itself doesn’t bother me, what is bothering me, and gets my blood boiling, is the years of my life he wasted.

For years my Ex was somewhere else…. check-out, missing, out of touch, disconnected. I asked him, over and over again, about  about his happiness, our relationship, his distance.  In fairness, we had a lot going on, it was not easy.  I struggled, he struggled…..  We struggled independently, never together.  Our struggles did not bring us closer.  I wanted them to, I asked and asked what I could do… I always got nothing – he said he was “fine”.

BUT he wasn’t fine.  He was living a double life – obviously very unhappy in his “public” life, but he never said anything.  I think this is what ultimately still gets be all worked up (the feelings I’ve not dealt well with) is the frustration/anger over the EX’s dishonesty.  The EX could have left in 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007..  I was begging him for communication, honesty and truth. I Gave him an out every time… I just wanted him to be happy, even if that meant NOT with me.   But he bold face lied to me  – said he was “fine”.   My nievate, his words, or a combination of both, made me believe that we could make it.  Knowing what I know now, makes me realize what a dumb ass I was.   And I HATE feeling like I’ve been played.

Its not my nievate that bugs me (it will soon enough though), its his dishonesty and the time I wasted because of it.   Had he just been honest with me, I could be in an entirely different place.  Had he said what he really felt (or at the very least talked about what he was doing), we could have seperated/divorced in 2005 (which is when I think he “disconnected”) and  I would be in an entirely different place. My life could have involved a new family, a loving husband, etc…. Now, at 40, I realize, I will be a great step-mom…   Three years is not a big deal on the larger scheme of things, but 3 years at 35-36 is a very big deal.

Yes, I hear you, another pitty party for Paula…  but honestly, its really hard NOT to think about how different my life could be right now had the EX  had an ounce of integrity and had just been honest.

Now, I am aware that I chose to stay in a less-than-ideal relationship, but I did it for the right reasons – I was in love.  I really thought/believed/felt that we could make it.  Had I known what I know today, I would have made very different decisions. And this is what frustrates me.  I wasn’t given the option to make the decisions that were best for me.

The good news is is that I believe this to be the last hurdle.  I do think that after I resolve my feelings about this I will be ready to get back out there.

Sometimes it just take a while to rebound, and my journey has been long and hard – 2008-2010 where the years of recovery and discovery.   2008 and 2009 are a bit hazy, 2010 has been a year of learning and getting myself back to the same place I was 10 years ago. You could say I’ve gone full circle, I’ve landed in the same “space” (obviously much older, wiser, and more mature) that I was 10 years ago –  I’m once again the “single, unmarried woman”, purchasing a house in an “up and coming” neighborhood…  

But 2011, 2011 will be my year, another Year of the Paula.  … . New home, healthy cats, a “daugther” with a degree, and now room in my heart and life for a new and loving partner.  2011 will be my year.   Watch out Paula fans!!

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