I received my Dear Paula letter today. The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer. They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.
My heart is broken. Its my fault, I dove in head first. Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly. I’m in or out. I’ve let myself love very few people in this world… have let only a few men “into the circle”. I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts. I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb. That’s no good. So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life. So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.
I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different. Like it could go somewhere. It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural. It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I felt we wanted the same things: zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot. Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.
In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel. But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with….. I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.
God I’d love a safe place to fall…. or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort. Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner. Someday it will happen.
So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party. I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.
I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying. I hope my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight. If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!! Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters… 😉
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.