Love At First Feeling.

passionate-loveYou know the feeling.  That moment you lock eyes with someone and that tingling/sensation takes over your entire body?  Have you had this before? The feeling that you know something is going to happen… you just don’t know what.   I have, but only a few times in my life.  Each time it was a doozy.  Wooo weeeh! They have all been worth it.  A few of them I’m still friends with and I love that.  Why?  Because I love their human being’ness.  I love that I still know then, that I really know them. They may not have the same feelings for me, we are not in the same state, but they are good people all around, and they have made my heart and “nether region” sizzle.

I’ve been fortunate to experience this a few times.  It hasn’t happened to me in a while, and I would really like this to happen to me in 2015.  I want to be whisked away – with intelligence, brilliance, humor, sarcasm… God, take me away!  Every man that I’ve met that has made me feel this way has an opportunity for a second change.. my heart is always open to continuing whatever we share together… except the EX.  No Integrity == zero interest.  All others had integrity, were honest as well as lovely, gorgeous, and absolutely perfect for me at the time we met.

O.k. nothing more interesting than that to share.  That “the spark” is so intoxicating, and every time I’ve followed-through on it, I’ve become a better person – better lover, better partner, better me.   Win, win, win.. 🙂

I promise myself this year that if I run across this – an intriguing male that makes my heart skip a beat – I will do something about it.  Why?  Hmmmm, Who knows what I will do?? I don’t know – but this is what will keep me/us on our toes!  I’m ready for something new, for something connected, for something fun, interesting, and different.

Yeahhhh!  Oh, and if you run into Brett Cullen, please tell him about me. I love him!!

 

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3 H’s – Head, Heart, and Heat – aka Chemistry.

One more thing.  Even though I’ve been working a lot, my mind has been spinning.  The people who know me would recognize this as the “Paula Jukebox”.

 I’ve been thinking about what BF Unicorn and I talked about this weekend.    The hardest part, for us, and certainly for me, is realizing that the person you have married/loved/dated doesn’t recognize the rarity of the connection.  The rarity of finding someone that you feel the “3 H’s” for AND that you think that they feel the same way about you.  But in the end, they linger on in your mind, because it is mind-boggling that they don’t feel the same way (or aren’t willing to admit it).  Harsh.

So, what are the 3 H’s?  You all know them…  

  •  head,
  • heart, and
  • heat. 

The magic is when these 3 things align FOR BOTH PARTIES involved…..  when you are connected at a intellectual level, when there is a synergy that is unexplainable, and there is a passion, an attraction for each other that cannot be satiated….  I call this magical.   And which is why its so hard to let go of someone that you feel this way about/with…… or the possibility/potential for this.  It is really hard to understand why anyone would turn this down.  Obviously the answer is that the other person doesn’t feel the 3 H’s for you…

On my side,  I’ve only experienced this 2x in my life…  (1) My EX, who I can’t remember much about these days except for the last 2 years of our marriage, which where horrible.    (2)  The second and most genuine, honest relationship was with the first man I dated after my divorce… My Mr. Big.  The man I still carry a torch for, who sets the bar high for everyone else.  And the (3) 3rd time was not the actuall experience of it, but the potential of experiencing it again, was with Dear Paula Letter writer.  Experiencing the 3H’s is so rare, its still shocking to me that when you find it, feel it,  man or woman, that you dont just let go of whatever is going on and experience it, soak it all in, every bit of it.  No matter how long it lasts…   

I think that I’m the kind of person that can’t, won’t settle down unless I have “it all”….  all the H’s.  And which is why it takes me foooorrrevverrr to a) find someone, and b) get over someone (thus the creation and blathering on in this blog).   I don’t think I get over these relationships, but more just get passed them, move on, and prepare myself for a new and different (and smarter) experience. 

O.k.. enough thinking for tonight.  I really need to go to bed – I have to get up at 6am to catch my flight (and I’m not an early bird).  Good night.

It’s Time for Hula Hooping!

As you know, I’ve been thinking about hooping since last year, when I found the perfect gift for a 6 year old (Original Post – Hooping Queen) . We had so much fun with her hula hoop…   so I did it.     I purchased myself an adult Hula Hoop and an instructional and workout video.  They arrived last week, and I tried it last night – SO MUCH FUN!!!  It just makes me smile ear to ear and laugh hysterically at myself… I feel so good doing it, even though I can see how bad I look in the mirror…   it just doesn’t matter, its SO MUCH FUN!

I’m going to set up the garage this weekend to be a mini work-out studio… and get to hooping!  My middle looks great thanks to my weight loss and my continued practice of Yoga and Pilates. I  no longer look like a barrel, and now more like a svelte woman…   and its only going to get better with the hula hoop.

I am SO EXCITED about my hula hoop – and cannot wait to get my Hoop groove on!!   I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get to a tropical location to show off my hooping body, but I will be ready when it happens!! 

I’m almost shaking with excitement… if it wasn’t already dark out, I’d go set the mini gym up tonight!  🙂  Instead I’m parusing hoop videos on YouTube – gotta love this one – Sexy Hula Hooping and this one – Hula Hooping with Mia.  Wow.  Sold.   😉

Dear Paula Letter.

I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Secret Sauce.

So, what is it about people that makes them “click” with other people?  You know, that chance encounter that turns into a lifelong friendship, that glance that turns into a lifetime partner?

I was thinking about this tonight as I missed my friends……  how much I love them, how much I miss them when they are away, how much I want to take care of them, and how much I want the very best for them, even if it takes them away from me. 

My friendships with my dearest friends started based on chance encounters… a meeting thru a mutual friend, thru work, and/or over commonalities discovered thru cocktailing (half joking)…..  Either way, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that there is now a compartment, a piece of my heart, dedicated to “my peeps”, and I would absolutely feel their absence, be heart broken if any one of them were to not exist in my everyday life.

So, I wont think about this anymore.  Just a “private” note to tell all my dear friends out there that I love and adore you, think of you often (even when I dont reach out), and only wish you what I consider the very best – true happiness.

Having It All.

So, I spent the entire Thanksgiving weekend thinking (waaayyyy too much IMO).  But for those people who actually think about what they want in their lives (vs. being blissfully happy and unaware of their surroundings…….. which I envy … more about this later), “having it all” is a theme that seems to occupy a lot of my thoughts these days.

 

“Having it all”… what does this mean?  From my experience, it has different meaning for every person – There are probably as many different ‘meanings’ as there are people on this earth….  but, the idea is that people will be able to give love and get love in equal amounts, in ways that they can understand…. and/or balance their work and life.. and/or balance work, personal needs, kids, etc.  …. and have financial security, and have passion…. all this bundled into one happy life.

 

“Having it all”… is it possible?  For me, the answer is yes.  But the history behind this answer goes back to 1994, when one of my favorite movies came out – Shawshank Redemption. For me, “having it all”  means that I make a point to live life fully and completely, that I create my life thru conscious choice.  For me, this means that I won’t be sitting on the sidelines, that I will be out there, living and experiencing life to its absolute fullest.  And by doing this, and only this, will I find the love, passion, excitement, and happiness that I so crave and deserve.
 

 

Now that I’ve decided that “having it all” is possible, what does that mean for me?  It means getting engaged, staying engaged, and be willing, no matter what, to succeed (or fail and picking myself up) in life:

  • To be confident enough to stand alone (when no one will stand with me),
  • To be strong enough to believe (when others tell me to be o.k. with what I’ve got),
  • To be humble in success (when others say how lucky I am .. and I know differently),
  • To move on in failure (even if its just to the closest local Taco Bell)

 

I haved lived this way for 14 years (since 1994), and it has not been easy.  The road has been rocky, chalk full of good (and bad) choices.  But I live without regret – because it takes a lot of energy to live consciously… and I do know, without a doubt, that when I go to my grave, I have done everything to the best of my ability.

 

So how has the idea, this notion of “having it all” effected me?  Immensely and to the core of my being. I want it all – a loving an attentive partner, lifelong friends,  supportive family, passion, security, possibly child(ren),… all the regular trappings that most folks want. Simple pleasures really.   I thought I had this, but it wasnt meant to be.  From the outside it surely looked like I had everything… but it didn’t feel like that on the inside – unfortuntately for me, I couldn’t make my partner love me (all my efforts were futile).  And I learned, the hard way, that the only person I can be is myself, and people will either love it, or not.  Nothing I can do about that except be wiser, smarter, and more aware the next time around.

 

Giving up the comfort of my marriage was the hardest decision I’ve made to date.  My marriage was not bad, and in some respects it was very good: It was safe, it was comfortable.  But it wasn’t loving, it wasn’t connected, it felt distant to me, and this is why I was unhappy.  I’ve had people tell me (all well meaning advice) that I “should just be happy with what I’ve got”… or use it as a stepping stone to get all the things I want (financial stability, a child, etc..).. niether of these choices felt like options to me.  I decided to take my chances to “have it all”.  I am so very aware of what I’ve left behind… what I’ve chosen to let go of for the chance for “something more”.  Why did I do this?  Sometimes I wonder.

 

Every day I ask myself myself why, and pretty much, I come to the same conclusion:  Because what I couldn’t answer, or rather I did answer and didn’t like what I heard/saw/felt was, “what would happen to me, my spirit, my being IF I had stayed for the wrong reasons?”  I know myself and I know I would have died inside… On the outside my life would have looked grand, but I would have been numb inside, going with the flow, unhappy, and truth be told, busy dying (vs. living).   The only person I would have deceived by being complacent was me. 

 

Anyway, life is really hard right now. My sadness has effected every aspect of my life.  BUT, I do realize that I have made the choice to walk down a different path, take the chance, give up what I had, in hopes that I can have/find  “it all”.  Right now, all I hope is that I recover from the heartache, awake from the fog,  and be strong, able, and grateful to actually experience “it all”.  Right now, I am focused on the daily to-do’s such as waking and getting up, engaging in life via friends, work, etc..

 

So, yes, to summarize this very long post, I believe that “having it all” is not only possible, but that I’m closer to “it” than I was before.  But I also realize that I will not truly “have it all” until I fully engage in life (whatever that is … time will tell), choosing awareness, lose my inhibitions, take risks, and get out there and play in this game called life.  And most of important of all, do whatever it takes to live without regret (again).  This to me, is living life fully and completely.