Dreams

Speak Up or Shut Up (or as my mom would say: Please Share Your Opinion).

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

airstream in driveway

Hello.

So my intention since my last post was to write every week on Wednesday. You can see I’ve failed miserably…… but in all fairness, I’m writing now, and it’s much more timely than my last last post.  So treat me like a millennial and give me some kudos.  🙂

After my last post I received several emails from folks asking if I was dying.  My response:  Yes, we are all dying and we should want to take care of those we love.  No, I do not have any disease or illness that will shorten my expected life expectancy.   Summary: Don’t worry, I am not dying prematurely, or if I am, I am not aware of it.

Why do I write today?  First to calm your fears about the length of my existence. But I also have some exciting news.  I BOUGHT A MOTOR HOME. Yes, you read right, I purchased and old school 1997 Airstream Land Yacht.  It’s in need of renovation. Yes I still work full-time so, No, I do not have the time to fix it… But I gone and did it anyway – she is mine. The lovely lady is all mine.  I see great adventures in our near future.  I named her Rosie (from Neil Diamonds song Cracklin Rosie), but when I picked her up, she isn’t a Rosie.. she is something else. I’m holding off naming her until she is all gussied up.  No matter what, in all her perfectly imperfect wonder, she is mine and we will have wonderful adventures together.  It cannot wait to travel the USA, meeting new people, and see all the amazing natural wonders of our great country.  My first big adventure – Mt. Rushmore!!

Soooooo… my friends are saying I need to start an entirely new blog to speak to my new adventures to come – in the Airstream. They tell me that this blog is stale…. and I should start anew.  I don’t see why I need to do that.

What are your thoughts?  Your opinion matters.. reply or direct message/email me with your thoughts since I cannot figure out how to insert a Poll plugin for free (free being the key word here)..  speak up now or forever hold your tongue.

Tell me what you want

 

A Warm Welcome to 2015!

PaulasPonderings7 Comments

2015-in waterI’m super excited about 2015.  I started working on having a good 2015 in September.  2014 and 2013 were bad years for me.  I gave up on 2014 being a good year something in July and began focusing on 2015.  2013 and 2014 were almost worst than the year I got separated/divorced.  Different struggles but equally if not more difficult.   Ugghhh, so glad that 2014 is over.

Anyway, enough about the bad times, I’m off to a great start to have another Year of the Paula (like 2010-2012).  Like I mentioned, I started in September – I stopped waiting for my managers to recognize my work and took action. I found a new job, better title and pay.  So far its been great. The company culture feels more like home to me.  Because my paycheck is larger, I was able to refinance my home.   Now I’m starting 2015 more financially secure than I’ve been in a couple of years and its feels wonderful.  There is more to do, but I feel confident I can make it happen.  With that, here are my goals for this year:

  1. Get Body Confident.  I’m tired of feeling fat, letting my fat get in the way of doing what I want, getting what I deserve.  I’ve spent so many years, since 2006, feeling bad about my weight, feeling bad about myself, losing confidence in myself year after year.  This year no more.  I will lose the weight and get comfortable about where I end up.  So, what does this mean?
    • Lose weight. I’m 132 – that is about 20 pounds overweight for my 5’2″ frame.   I was 100 pounds for most of my adult life, I got married at 30-something at 112 pounds.  It’s time I get back to the weight I’m comfortable with at OR shut up about it.
    • Exercise more.  I need to get more active.  I stopped working out regularly about 2 years ago, when I was working with Man Hands down at Cisco. I’ve never really gotten back into it.  This is the year. I’ve committed to working out 2 nights a week – I joined a yoga studio and signed up for a belly dancing class.  I will try these classes for 3 months and figure out what I want to do next.
    • Address my stomach issues.  I have, for many years, had significant stomach issues.  I used to wake up sick in the mornings, so sick that drinking water would  have me dry heaving in the shower.  In 2014 I went to see a nutritionist and fixed this problem (thank god!) but I still have significant “flare ups” with my stomach and intestines.  I am going to address this once and for all.  I am starting 2015 with a diet change – I’m going Paleo.  And I’m going back to the nutritionist.   I was inspired by Danielle Walkers story (AgainstAllGrain) – and now I’m ready to take back my life.
  2. Take Charge of my Career.  I’m doing it – I’ve met more with my manager in the last 3 months than I did my entire tenure at my last job.  Why?  Because I thought my managers would recognize the great work I was doing. Did they? No.  And when I asked for what I deserved, we were on very different pages.  Didn’t bode well for either of us.  So I’m not going to let that happen again.  My goal is to have a meeting with my manager 1x a month to discuss my career, my progress, and set myself up for promotions and an executive position.  I am a great worker, a good leader, and highly qualified. With my manager’s guidance I am going to do very well.
  3. Me.  I need to work on me.  I have a few issues that I want to deal with – I didn’t recognize it until I sat down with ATrain and really discussed our relationship – where we are, where we want to be, where I WANT to be.  Two issues in current relationship are the same ones I had in my marriage, and I am the common link there.  Me.  What I have today is similar in some respects to what I had in my marriage.  I’m with someone who has integrity (my EX did not) so the conversations are much more real, more open, honest, and revealing.  So I will seek out a counselor this year and work through some bad habits and become more aware of what I want, what I need, and the changes I need to make- mental and behavior – to get what I want.

I think that is it.  It is a lot but I’m ready for it.  I need a change, I need my life to be different, and I’m in charge of making this happen.

I loved 2010 and 2011 and 2012.  They were GREAT years for me for the most part.  I want more of these kind of years.  And to get more of these years, I need to know myself better, treat myself better, and give myself permission to have it all!

I wish you all a great 2015 – may all your dreams and aspirations be realized.

3 H’s – Head, Heart, and Heat – aka Chemistry.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

One more thing.  Even though I’ve been working a lot, my mind has been spinning.  The people who know me would recognize this as the “Paula Jukebox”.

 I’ve been thinking about what BF Unicorn and I talked about this weekend.    The hardest part, for us, and certainly for me, is realizing that the person you have married/loved/dated doesn’t recognize the rarity of the connection.  The rarity of finding someone that you feel the “3 H’s” for AND that you think that they feel the same way about you.  But in the end, they linger on in your mind, because it is mind-boggling that they don’t feel the same way (or aren’t willing to admit it).  Harsh.

So, what are the 3 H’s?  You all know them…  

  •  head,
  • heart, and
  • heat. 

The magic is when these 3 things align FOR BOTH PARTIES involved…..  when you are connected at a intellectual level, when there is a synergy that is unexplainable, and there is a passion, an attraction for each other that cannot be satiated….  I call this magical.   And which is why its so hard to let go of someone that you feel this way about/with…… or the possibility/potential for this.  It is really hard to understand why anyone would turn this down.  Obviously the answer is that the other person doesn’t feel the 3 H’s for you…

On my side,  I’ve only experienced this 2x in my life…  (1) My EX, who I can’t remember much about these days except for the last 2 years of our marriage, which where horrible.    (2)  The second and most genuine, honest relationship was with the first man I dated after my divorce… My Mr. Big.  The man I still carry a torch for, who sets the bar high for everyone else.  And the (3) 3rd time was not the actuall experience of it, but the potential of experiencing it again, was with Dear Paula Letter writer.  Experiencing the 3H’s is so rare, its still shocking to me that when you find it, feel it,  man or woman, that you dont just let go of whatever is going on and experience it, soak it all in, every bit of it.  No matter how long it lasts…   

I think that I’m the kind of person that can’t, won’t settle down unless I have “it all”….  all the H’s.  And which is why it takes me foooorrrevverrr to a) find someone, and b) get over someone (thus the creation and blathering on in this blog).   I don’t think I get over these relationships, but more just get passed them, move on, and prepare myself for a new and different (and smarter) experience. 

O.k.. enough thinking for tonight.  I really need to go to bed – I have to get up at 6am to catch my flight (and I’m not an early bird).  Good night.

Ex Dream.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

Yes, you see correcty, a dream about the EX.  Wish it was a SEX dream… but not this time folks.

It was a very clear, vivid dream.  I woke up due to a startled heart, I took a bit of time to catch my breath, but here is what I dreamt.

The EX was having a baby. Yes, he was the one giving birth.  He was experiencing all the pregnancy events – doctors visits, excitement with family and friends….   I was not included in this.  He was doing all his pregnancy/kid things with his girlfriends (yes, actual girlfriends, but I think it was more to signify friendships…. ) .  He was so excited… all a chatter, phone calls to friends, family.. etc..   The EX rarely showed any emotion of any kind the last years of your marriage so this was  a very big deal.

So, the dream.  We are in the kitchen.  The kitchen at the house we lived in (it was a great kitchen), and I shared with him that I was concerned about having a baby becuase our relationship was not on track.  You know what he said?  That he would rather have the baby than have a relationship with me.    Yep – That if he could only have one, he would pick the baby.

I woke up startled…   and you know why?  Because it was so honest.  I think that is exactly how he felt.  He wanted a family, he didn’t care who it was with.  And he certainly didn’t want to “waste time” working out our relationship challenges (small things like lack of communication, sex, and accountability)…

I don’t know what I was thinking when I went to bed – maybe about my choice to not have children at my age?  Who knows.  But the dream was raw, straight from the heart.  It was reality, the brutal honesty and communication I wished I had experienced in my marriage.