Thoughts & Experiences

Life is Full Of Lessons.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

a-lesson-will-repeat-itself-until-learnedI’m spending a lot of time by myself, thinking through my relationships, the meaning of life, and trying to wrap my head around what it all means.

I’m lucky that I have a lot to focus on at work during the week.  I’m working hard – really working at changing my career for the better.  It’s been harder than I expected.  I just got my performance review back, a 360 degree review.  I’m struggling with some feedback, it is opposite of what I expected, and opposite of what I thought I’d discussed with my manager during the hiring process. I’m thinking hard about what I plan to do about the review and what it means for my career. I am NOT going to seek for approval or acceptance for an unlimited time period.  I will give myself a few weeks to work through the feedback, discuss my thoughts with my manager, and set my boundaries.I’m no longer willing to give without getting.. At the end of the day, I need to define the amount of time I’m willing to give before I get what I want.

Which leads me to what I’m really after.  I’m not willing to wait around for someone else to tell me what I’m worth. My job is to define my worth and let others know what that is.  I set my currency value.  I’ve never done this before – and looking back, reflecting on my past relationships, I realize how much power I have given up both at work and at home.  I don’t mean power in the way of control, but power in the sense of defining the things that are important to me, communicating the things I need and want from others.

This is a very big revelation for me.  I am disappointed that I didn’t learn this lesson from my first big relationship loss, or the end of my marriage… and that it actually took a total of 4 failed relationships to learn it.  But hey, at least I’m learning it now.  Knowledge is power, and is the first step in change.

Soooo, here I am. With a new found revelation.  I love it. It’s time for change, and I’m all for it.  Have any of you read the book How People Change?  I read this in college and I think about it all the time. The lesson I learned from the book – that awareness is the first step to making a difference, a real change.  There is a lot of work ahead to make my new found perspective a reality. But I know how to do it. So I’m on my way.

My Choices.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

choicesAnother day has come and gone.  It wasn’t so bad.

I went to the office today.  I was so busy with meetings and follow-up that the time just flew by.  I got home around 6:30pm, pet the cats and wondered around for a bit. Then sat down on the couch, finished up some work, and am now getting ready for bed. This post will be much shorter than my recent posts (don’t get so excited).

Not only am I back and committed to writing more and working through my life in this public manner, my favorite blog friends are back as well.  They too have struggled over these last few years.  They have been so generous to share their experiences, their struggle, their deepest fears, angst, joys with all of us. I have come to know and love these folks – and their words have given me pause, made me think, and have influenced me in very positive ways.  They share their experiences with such honesty and openness, I aspire to write and share like they do.  I hope you enjoy their writings as much as I do –

  • That Precarious Gait – She is finally back! Like me, she took a hiatus – trying to get through each day, not knowing that I related to the experiences she shared…  Now is a great time to catch up with her, she just wrote a great post, catching me (and the world) up on why she has been gone for so long.  She has such a great writing style – so clear, concise, impactful, and emotional without being “victim-ish”.. it’s insightful and I gets me thinking.
  • Four Is A Family – Love this man’s sense of humor.  A Brit that lives in Virginia (or somewhere cold on the East Coast), living life and sharing his experiences on love, love lost, raising daughters (which is SO HARD), working, and trying to keep it together.  He too disappeared due to overwhelming life responsibilities.  But he too, is back. At the same time as me and That Precarious Gait.  Lucky me.

What I realized while dealing with my own shisa, is that others are struggling too, I’m not the only one out there running into family or relationship or other issues.  There are a lot of folks out there trying to figure out their path in life, working hard to learn from their experiences, and moving on, becoming better people through the process.

Anyway, it came to me today. Life is about the choices I make.  And this breakup is about the choices I’ve made over the last 3 years.. or maybe even longer.  It’s my responsibility to figure out why I’ve made the choices I have, to learn from them, and move on.

So here I go, sharing my journey with you.  The ups and downs, the process of learning from my successes and my failures.  I hope you get as much out of my experiences as I get from Precarious and FIAF.

Better than Yesterday.

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today_is_better_than_yesterday_by_nvmsodi-d423tugToday was another day.  A day that was better than yesterday. It is also a day that I did not go into work – I called in sick.  Even though I called in sick I still have work to do – I worked a few hours and have a bit more to do tonight, but I didn’t have the energy to get myself ready or see other people.  But that isn’t what this post is about, this post is about today – another day, which was better than yesterday.  Not to say it was all good, it was just better than yesterday.

So I’ve only almost cried 6 times today.  Not fully cried, just almost cried – you know, tears well up and you swallow them or force them to go away.  I did also see ATrain – we had lunch.  We went to our favorite place.  We had a good time – it was so good to see him.  He looks good, as always.  We didn’t talk about anything important. I think we are both in a too-sensitive place right now (or at least I am).  We did talk about:

  • his plans this week – Monday/tonight he is visiting his son, Tuesday he has an event, he is busy busy all week..
  • his project ending (March 3rd) and the celebrating he will do …
  • his new yacht trip (he just got back and has another one planned – it’s part of his 10 days a month on vacation goal and its part of the celebration, see point #1)
  • his pending trip to France for the Tour de France

As much as I wanted to know about his weekend, what he did/who he was with, tell him how much I missed him, I did not.   I really do not want to know where he was or who he was with.  So the part of “being friends” where you share everything and anything, well, I’m not there yet.

So what did I do today while I wasn’t working?  Thinking. Here is what I decided today:

  • Time to make my place a home. Even though I don’t have the money, I’m going to splurge on a new rug, a new duvet, a new vacuum, and a new TV (mine is 25″, I want a 40″ AND one manufactured in the last 10 years).  My goal this year was to not buy anything so that I could pay off my CC debt… which I can do by the end of the year IF I don’t spend.  But I’m going to be in the space I’m in for another year, so I may as well make it everything I want it to be.
  • See a counselor.  My work healthcare offers me the opportunity to see someone up to 8 times at no cost.  There is so much I need to learn about myself, why not just do it?
  • Get physically active.  I need to get moving if I’m going to lose weight.  I signed up for a 6 week fat blast class.  My interview for the class is this Wednesday. Yes, interview. They don’t take just anyone because they want to take pictures and use it as promotional materials.  Cross your fingers for me that I get in. If not, I’ll figure something else out.
  • Get my carpets cleaned.  Not like that you dirty minded folks! 😉 I actually have a few area rugs that need to be cleaned and stored safely.  Part of me wants to get rid of them, but I’m just not ready to part with them. So I will get them cleaned and stored properly. So when I do move into a house they fit into I can make the decision then.

While I was working on not feeling sorry for myself, I thought of a few ideas that are fun, that I’d like to make happen, but are long shots:

  • Finally start that Cat Channel on YouTube.  The one where I record Sophie and Zoey, my two crazy furry babies, edit the film, and post their antics online. Who doesn’t want another cat channel??
  • Start Sewing again. A year ago I bought a sewing machine and some fabric to make my own pillows.  Project hasn’t started yet.. what am I waiting for right??  By “again”, I mean the last time I was in front of a sewing machine was in college, which was over 20 years ago!
  • Begin my modge-podge crafts. Yes, a year ago I bought modge-podge and had all these crafts I wanted to create.. I’ve got so many ideas, so many “things” socked away in storage that I want to create.  So many modge-podge ideas, so little time!  Once I get myself put back together, I may be blogging about DIY crafts. I know, you can’t wait can you?!?!  😉
  • Create more lists.  I am unable to keep track of myself unless I put a list together, so why not post the lists publicly so I can know where they are?!?  I know, a fabulous idea.  I’ve started with a new page called My Favorites.  I’ll continue to update it as I remember, see, or do things..
  • Paleo. I’m loving my paleo lifestyle and I plan to keep track of it here on this blog.  All my Paleo favorites are listed on my new Paleo References page.
  • Drink more wine.  Just kidding, it is not possible!! ha ha, gotcha. 🙂

I think that is it.  There are two more things I want to share but I feel they deserve a log of their own..

Life Lesson #4899770.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

My-heart-is-so-tiredI picked a random number for the Life Lesson number, but God, it feels like there has been too many of them as of late. How many have I ignored these past years or should have recognized?

This weekend has been brutal for me.  I spent the entire time either crying, sleeping, or getting drunk (yes, by myself).  Except for tonight – Sunday night.  I’m watching one of many movies, one of which was a foreign film, which makes me focus on the words on the bottom of the screen and not the pity party I’ve been having so ensconced in all weekend.

I can’t believe how much I have cried this weekend.  I almost didn’t go out today because my eyes are so swollen (Visine keeps the eyeballs white, doesn’t help with puffiness). And when I did go out, I cried between each stop (3 stops in total) and had to talk myself out of not stopping (stops included Home Depot, Crystal Springs Grocery, and a drop off to a local Thrift Store). I feel like I’m behaving like a child, and honestly speaking, a spoiled child.  I knew how Atrain felt, I knew how I felt, but the loss of his presence is hard…much harder than I thought it would be.  I’ve not spent a weekend alone in 3 years.  It was an odd experience, one I didn’t like.  BUT I did muster through it, I did actually finish the 3 out-of-the-house tasks. That is something.  Or at least it feels like something. I’m celebrating – with a bottle of wine no less!

I do believe the best way to finish a “first weekend without your partner” is to drink a bottle of wine and watch a foreign film.  I recommend this only because it worked for me. I am drinking a bottle from BevMo – Valpolicella.  And the foreign film I’m watching is Happy Happy.  This is classified as a comedy, this IS NOT a comedy.  It’s dark, it’s sad, I don’t know on what planet this would be considered a comedy.  But I understand it. I get the loss, the desire for sex, and ultimately the new beginnings that this movie speaks of….. It’s really about how things come to change through a physical move, a renewed focus, a new perspective. About how life can unfold as you least expect it.  It’s a cross between The Holiday, O Brother, Where Art Thou, Brokeback Mountain, and a little bit of Butter in there…   I don’t know why in the world this would be considered a comedy, but it is…

I did not do any work this weekend. Not because I didn’t think about it, not because it’s not due, but because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything outside of crying, my tasks (as listed above), or working my ass of trying not to focus on my current predicament.  Yes, I will feel the pain tomorrow when clients/customers/colleagues expected something from me and I did not deliver.  I will have to deal with that.  I am wondering how I did this after my divorce – how did I keep my job??  My thought is that my manager helped me out greatly – helped steer me in the right direction while I was not right.

So it is early – but my girls are home with me, I need to get some sleep, and pull myself together for work tomorrow.  I’m preparing for a long week ahead.  Next weekend is a girls weekend, which I’m super unprepared for ..

 

Reflections of a Breakup.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

one-day-things-will-get-betterI’m now 4 days into the breakup.  My first weekend without ATrain.  It’s hard.  Weekends are going to be the hardest because that is when I have extra time on my hands.  The time I would usually spend running errands and hanging with the ATrain.

First, the fact that we are broken up doesn’t surprise me.  ATrain and I had been talking about our relationship, where we were, and had a few very frank conversations about what we each needed to make a relationship work.  So, having the conversation on Tuesday wasn’t a shocker in that we were talking about our relationship and our needs.

What I didn’t expect was that it wasn’t a conversation we had. It was him telling me that he had given thought to our past conversations, and that at the end of the day, he didn’t want what I wanted, and he didn’t care to meet my needs.  It was so abrupt. And on top of it, the parts about him being desired by other women who were/are waiting for me to get out-of-the-way AND his unexpected trip out-of-town this weekend…  It all just took me by surprise.

Yes, I’ve been mopey and sad.  No one likes to be rejected, especially by someone they love and care for.  Will I recover, yes. But it will take time, there is a lot of thinking I need to do.  After 4 days, I’ve come to realize that I’m very sad for myself.  ATrain has become a best friend.  He is also a very good friend to my friends.  He is definitely in “my circle” of very close friends.  He hasn’t called me today – and I miss that.  And I miss him.  It sucks.

But there is something else that is really upsetting to me.  It’s the question I keep asking myself.  Why did I wait so long to put my needs on the table?  What was I waiting for?  I believe I spent most of last year just trying to figure out what I wanted. And when I finally figured it out and was able to clearly articulate it, it took ATrain all of a week to figure out he didn’t want to go there.  So just like in my marriage, I spent a lot of time in a relationship that in the end, was never going to give me what I needed.  Why am I doing this to myself?

I just don’t get it.  With ATrain, I never felt safe. I never felt that I could let my guard down.  When we were living together I used to have dreams that I would come home from work and he was packing my things up and moving me out – and moving someone else in.  I was having these dreams over and over…  when things where really good between us.  I realize now (hindsight is 20/20) that I never felt like I could fully depend on him, that I had to be careful. Of course, I must mention that my worst years professionally have been the years I was with ATrain.  I do feel badly for him in the sense that I was not in a good place, and maybe he just didn’t know how to support me.  Who knows.

But things did get a lot better between us when I moved out….  but once you move out, move “away” from the relationship, it is very hard to bring it back together.  And that is where we were – trying to bring it back together, come together in a better way.  We all know the outcome of that effort.

I will be taking the great advice offered on Trifectatribe.com and spending a few months alone, remembering, analyzing, reflecting, and basically just mourning the loss of another relationship.  And when I’m ready to open up and make room for friends, family, and the like, I’ll get up and out..  It will happen.  It’s just a matter of time.

Regarding a few comments made on my Breakup post:

  • I’m NOT upset that ATrain beat me to the punch wrt the breakup. I’m startled and hurt by the way the message was delivered and how quickly It feels that I’ve been forgotten.  It feels eerily similar to my experience with my ex-husband – he’s recovered rapidly and on the road to a new relationship before we are even over.  Why does this happen? Why do I take years to recover, and my ex’s can zip right out and find themselves “new girlfriends” within a week? So they don’t have to be alone? What is it?!?  Tell me!
  • Regarding finding the diamond in the rough that is looking for a girl like me.  My Ex was that.  He was a quiet one that I noticed behind a computer monitor way back when..  and look how good that worked out for me.  By all appearances, he like it so much, he let it happen again while we were married. 😉
  • I do believe there are good guys out there. I believe there are men who actually like and want to be in a relationship.  And these kinds of men, when they notice a great gal, will speak up and go after what they want.  And at this point, I want to be healthy, happy, and ready to engage.

There is a lot of work I need to do on myself.  To figure myself out (again) and get to a happy, healthy place.  I need to be sure of myself, sure of what I want, and this will get me to where I want to be – in a relationship where both parties are getting everything they want and need.

Here is to a healthy, happy 2015.

Very Close to Done.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

keep-calm-and-carry-onI’ve had on my to-do list to clean and organize my new cottage.  Yes, the cottage I moved into over a year ago.  I’m not super happy with the place, but when you go into financial trouble, you do what you have to make things work.  Well… I did. My sister sure wouldn’t…

Anyway, its been over a year since I moved into the cottage.  13 months to be exact.  And I have another year to go. So it is ridiculous to me that I just don’t settle in and make it “my space”.   So now my New Year’s Resolution is to go balls-out with it – I got rid of bags and bags of stuff.. got rid of a few pieces of furniture, and am now framing some special pictures..

Close to done means that I’m close to having the space I want – a peaceful space without clutter and work.  I want a place to relax in, like my own spa, for myself, all the time.  :-).  I’m about 2 weeks away from this.. I’m excited.  I’m looking forward  to spending my time learning to sew again, or walk more, NOT decluttering and cleaning up.

As I type this I realize that “Close to Done” means a lot of things..  Decluttering my life is really what it is about. And I’m working on it… and so much closer to the end now.  2015 is the year of “The Paula”.. to have this kind of year, I have to in a comfortable and happy state. It’s February now and I’ve come so far…  I cant wait for March, April, or May .. Oh My!!

 

 

Effortless & Natural.

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

effortless and natural  I’ve been obsessing about my relationships these days…  Why? Because its time .. time to “pull a Paula” and put together a T-Graph of pro’s and cons..  do I have time for this? Not at all. These last few weeks at work have SUCKED … yesterday I got to the point where my mind was a blur ad I could no longer physically see anything. I went home, got in the bathtub, and cried for about 20 minutes.  It got me through today.  Happy Friday everyone.

So why am I thinking about “Effortless & Natural”?  I’m reflecting on my relationships.  The one I’m in now was E&N for the first 6 months, but its been soooo hard these last 3 years.  The last 3 years of my marriage was difficult – see anything in common?  Yeah, me too. I try my damnest to make something work that just isn’t meant to be.

When I met my now ex husband, I had that lighting bolt feeling, that time moment where time stood still for what seems like forever.  Then  and everything we experienced felt so effortless and natural…  I knew he was the one until I learned he was sticking his dick in other peoples vaginas…

Then I met My Mr. Big… same thing.. lightening bolts.   Our relationship worked for me, seemed so effortless and natural.. but alas, he disappeared.

Then I had a long string of dating mishaps… until I met ATrain… whom I’ve dated for 3+ years and we are not committed.  I felt bolts when we first met, but then I spent soooo much time seeking his approval (vs. asking for what I want/need) and in work hell… now, I feel I look at the relationship and realize that he is doing me a favor!  I think he wants to break up with me but not hurt me….  I know, crazy.. Who doesn’t want to be with Paula?!!?!?

Maybe its me – but I’m becoming much more clear on what I want, what I need, and where I see my life going.  As strange as this sounds, I want someone who:

  • trusts me, and who I can trust (integrity is a must)
  • is a partner, someone that truly has my back
  • wants to take care of me – and this DOESN”T make me a gold-digger…  which is a huge epiphany for me
  • lets me take care of them (none of us can go it alone)

I love ATrain, love him. Can’t imagine my life without him. I love his strong personality. But for the last 3 years he hasn’t made room for me, for my personality, for the things I want and need…  There is only room for ATrain for himself and his son in his life.  As I reflect,  I realize that he never made room for me because I was soooo accommodating.  What do I mean?  I just wanted to make him happy and making him happy was a full-time job.  I gave him control, and with that he turned into a demanding 4 year old.  And now he is used to having someone of my caliber and quality around without having to work for it.

I’m looking for Effortless and Natural…   tell me your experiences … are you married to E&N?  How does your relationship work?

Paleo Week 4 – Thoughts and Best Recipes.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

Fat-Loss-Diet-and-Exercise-Plan

A not so quick update.

First, I love the Paleo diet – it has changed my life wrt my stomach issues.  I’ve had maybe 3 flare-ups – and they are identifiable, meaning I know what caused them.  My stomach can handle meats, fruits and veggies, and non-dairy dairy (nut dairy, NOT cow dairy). I also seem to be able to handle cheeses (so dairy in moderation) and wine without a problem.

I LOVE the fact that I can eat healthy, have a flat stomach, not have bloating or constipation issues, AND drink wine.  Yes, Paleo, you have me at Hello.

A couple of notes:

  • You can be successful IF you prepare yourself for success.
    • Remove shit from your refrigerator and cabinets and start over with the right ingredients. This was quite expensive for me – but well worth it.
    • Plan your shopping list and be prepared at all times with foods you can eat. This can take time… and its a conscious effort, one well worth it IMO. I prep and shop and cook on Sundays. It’s a half day at least… wish it was less but so far it hasn’t been.
  • You must live near a  Whole Foods or be able to order goods via Amazon.. otherwise, this diet won’t work. I know from experience that you cannot find much of anything that is Paleo friendly in small towns across the US.
  • You do need to like (more on the love side) to cook, experiment with recipes, be ok with failure, and most of all, love leftovers. If you have and love a slow cooker all the better.  If you don’t love to cook or bake, this is not a diet for you.
  • You will spend a shit ton of time prepping your food. Key staples in the kitchen are:
    • Cutco Knives. Best damn knives on the planet – they will help you chop, cut, etc. If you want to know which ones I use let me know. I’ll supply the list of must-haves.
    • Mandolin. Just got myself one – the OXO Mandolin – because it had storage.  It’s missing a chopper.  Other than this, its excellent. Reviews say watch your fingers – and its true. Almost sliced off the tips of my fingers a couple of times.  Because of my close calls with losing my digit fingers I ordered myself the NoCry gloves. I LOVE THEM so much I ordered a pair for my Paleo diet cooking friend (she also has Cutco and has cut fingertips, nails,and such).

For me, I love baked goods – there is NOT a donut I don’t love (except those covered in maple icing). Baked goods are brought into the office every day, which sucks for me.  So I’m experimenting with baking and I’m having a ball.  BUT, this was the hardest for me to cut out – I LOVED my Fiber One bars, Cinnamon, Gingerbread, Lemon Bars oh My!!   Below is what I’ve done, baking wise.  I’d open a bakery if I could – because this is where it’s at. Experimenting has been so much fun.  Why are bakeries NOT incorporating coconut or almond flours in their treats?

After a month, here are my favorite recipes, notes of changes included.

NOTE – you must use Google Chrome to search for these recipes. If you use Bing you will NOT get good results.

  • Making Sweet Potato and Beet Chips isn’t as easy as all the recipes I’ve found online have said.  NOT A ONE.  I’ve made a good 10 lbs of chips, none of which have turned out perfectly. I’m still experimenting with temperature and the right mixture of oil, baking time, and spices.  I thought the price of Terra Chips was ridiculous.  Given the time and effort I’ve put in to make the perfect chip, I think the price is well worth it. I’ve got 20+ hours into it by now and I still don’t have a recipe I’m happy with. Terra Chips – thank you for making a quality chip that I can eat my guacamole with!
  • Paleo Curry Chicken –
    • I first tried Danielle Walkers Against All Grain Cookbook slow cooker Chicken Curry. It’s ridiculously GOOD. However, I don’t always have slow-cooker time on my hands.  so I found this Paleo Friendly Quick Curry Chicken recipe – and I made the following edits – remember, I love leftovers
      • I used Thai Kitchen green curry paste – an entire bottle
      • I used a small rotisserie chicken from Whole Foods. I didn’t salt or pepper it, I just deboned all the chicken
      • I used 1/2 yellow onion, 2 heads of broccoli, 1 red pepper, one carrot julliened w/ my new mandolin, and a 1 inch piece of ginger – sliced
      • I sautéed the onions, added the curry paste, let it saute a bit, then added the veggies – mixed it up, then added the cooked chicken
      • Then added 2 cans of coconut milk – one full fat, one light
      • Let it cook for 10 minutes, serve.
      • This served 2 – then I had 3 leftover servings (enough for lunch all week).
  • Paleo Banana Pancakes – I needed something to fill the pastry desires I had.  I need carbs, or something that resembles carbs.  So after a few experiments, I found this recipe on CaveManCooking and modified it a bit –
    • one for one on banana and eggs. You use too many eggs it tastes like a bad omelet and the texture is too spongy.
    • I used frozen bananas – you know, the ones that are over ripe that you put in the freezer to “do something” with..  once you thaw them, be sure to rid yourself of as much liquid as you can. The riper the banana, the sweeter the pancake.  No matter what the other recipes call for, do not add honey or sweeteners – the ripe banana makes it sweet enough
    • Add a TBS of coconut flour and a pinch of cinnamon.
    • 3 eggs, 3 bananas and a TBS of coconut flour make about 7 pancakes that are about 6″ round. two for you to eat right away, and one for each day of the week.  It was perfect for me. If you have the chance, add a bit of maple syrup or strawberry rhubarb jam… you will love it.
  • Paleo Slow Cooker Pork – Danielle Walkers recipe is the best, and this recipe walks you through how to make this deliciousness happen.  It’s so simple – and you should make lots of it because you can create other meals with the leftovers.  Yum!

Next up is Chicken Tikka Masala, more time perfecting my own chips, Thai Chicken sauce for lunch wraps (not Pizza), anything with Pumpkin puree, and seal the deal on my own Paleo “bacon burger” recipe (yes, my first experiment that friends and family love).

I think that is it – other than working, I’ve been cooking and enjoying it.  So far I’ve lost 3 pounds (4 weeks, 3 pounds).  Not bad given that I’m still drinking wine, eating cheese (in moderation), and working more than full-time in an office filled with wheat filled treats.

I’ll post another entry about work…  as you may remember, I started a new job 3 months ago.  Got the title and responsibility I wanted… All I can say is be careful what you ask for.. 🙂

Paleo Diet – 3 Week Update.

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woman-with-heartI’ve been going balls out on my 2015 New Years resolutions.  There are several of them I’m working on at once, but the one that I’m most focused on right now is “Body Confidence”.  It’s a recipe for success – it’s part diet, part exercise, and all commitment.  For the majority of the time, I have felt GREAT.  My stomach issues have all but disappeared, I have renewed energy. And the only reason I know this is because when I’ve faltered

  1. I ate cheese sauce made with milk and flour two weekends ago – with brocolli, it was delicious, but it hurt my stomach
  2. I had a few chips with my tostada on Sunday
  3. and tonight, I ate a small sliver of garlic bread

My stomach hurt me when I ate cheese sauce and chips….. not so much with the garlic bread. All mini-setbacks from my plan, but definitely recoverable.

Other than this, I feel good with this “diet”. Diet in quotes only because I don’t think its a diet, its a way of life – one that is easy to do for me  – I love to cook, especially with my slow cooker, and I’ve made some amazing recipes.  Danielle Walkers cookbook and website are my #1 go-to for recipes and information, but I’ve also found great recipes and tips on other websites.  My favorite is Danielle’s Slow Cooker Pork Roast.  I make the full amount and use it for so many dishes… it has such a great flavor and is so easy to make.  I had a cook-off day with a girlfriend and we both made unbelievably delicious recipes.  Had enough leftovers to share – meals for days.

The challenge is when I travel or go out to eat, which is when I faltered (see above). But other than that, I really like what I’m doing, I feel great, and I plan to continue until March (my original goal was to complete 30 days) as I think it will take this much time to lose the weight I want to lose.

Oh, I should let everyone know that I’m still drinking wine – I figured if grapes where on the safe list, well then, anything made with grapes would be too.  It may take longer to lose the weight, but its worth it.  The diet alone makes my stomach feel better – so much better than any doctor has.  I will go back to a nutritionist to make sure I’m not missing anything, but as of now, my stomach feels better in 2 weeks on this diet than it has felt in the last 5 years.  And for that I’m extremely grateful.

So far, 20 days in, I’m down 3 pounds.  I wanted to lose more by this point, but because my stomach issues have all but disappeared, I’m willing to continue and hope for weight loss.

As far as exercise goes, I signed up for Bikram Yoga and Belly Dancing – things that will help me stretch out and get healthy in a fun way.  This is in addition to walking more (got myself a fitbit!!).  I do love the belly dancing class. Its different and I’m learning a completely new way of doing things.

I’ll post on other interesting topics later.. I have so much to share, just not enough time..

Sandwiched Between Two People.

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sleepover-girls-pillowfightAnd it’s not that bad. The two folks?  My nieces.  Snore like men with heavy drinking habits.  I’m watching Boyhood – which is a great movie – which I picked – and the girls so graciously wanted to watch with me and soon passed out.  Loved the movie, girls.. not so much.

I am absolutely in love with these girls – but they do snore like no tomorrow – and these are the folks I’m sandwiched in-between.  I know, LUCKY ME.

I’m in Utah, with my family, working on a family matter that required my attention.  I have to go back to work in 24 hours….  I’ve so enjoyed my time with family that it’s hard to think about going back to work.  I’m desperate to sell my condo and buy myself a duplex so I can visit more often at a reduced cost… It will happen, it’s only a few years away.

Life has a way of unfolding in a way that you never expected.  My life is no different – I never imagined not having kids…  but it happened that way.  I think about this “life choice” every day.  But when I’m with my nieces I do not –  I can’t imagine a different life.  I love them more than the whole world, I would give up everything if it would guarantee their safety … I can’t imagine loving people more than I love my niece and her babes.

Maybe there is more love in store for  me in my life – but I honestly can’t imagine it.  I am open to it, but when I’m here in Utah, I can’t imagine a better life for me. Sandwiched between my favorite girls on the planet.  Love at it’s finest – snoring and all.