I’ve been obsessing about my relationships these days…  Why? Because its time .. time to “pull a Paula” and put together a T-Graph of pro’s and cons..  do I have time for this? Not at all. These last few weeks at work have SUCKED … yesterday I got to the point where my mind was a blur ad I could no longer physically see anything. I went home, got in the bathtub, and cried for about 20 minutes.  It got me through today.  Happy Friday everyone.

So why am I thinking about “Effortless & Natural”?  I’m reflecting on my relationships.  The one I’m in now was E&N for the first 6 months, but its been soooo hard these last 3 years.  The last 3 years of my marriage was difficult – see anything in common?  Yeah, me too. I try my damnest to make something work that just isn’t meant to be.

When I met my now ex husband, I had that lighting bolt feeling, that time moment where time stood still for what seems like forever.  Then  and everything we experienced felt so effortless and natural…  I knew he was the one until I learned he was sticking his dick in other peoples vaginas…

Then I met My Mr. Big… same thing.. lightening bolts.   Our relationship worked for me, seemed so effortless and natural.. but alas, he disappeared.

Then I had a long string of dating mishaps… until I met ATrain… whom I’ve dated for 3+ years and we are not committed.  I felt bolts when we first met, but then I spent soooo much time seeking his approval (vs. asking for what I want/need) and in work hell… now, I feel I look at the relationship and realize that he is doing me a favor!  I think he wants to break up with me but not hurt me….  I know, crazy.. Who doesn’t want to be with Paula?!!?!?

Maybe its me – but I’m becoming much more clear on what I want, what I need, and where I see my life going.  As strange as this sounds, I want someone who:

• trusts me, and who I can trust (integrity is a must)
• is a partner, someone that truly has my back
• wants to take care of me – and this DOESN”T make me a gold-digger…  which is a huge epiphany for me
• lets me take care of them (none of us can go it alone)

I love ATrain, love him. Can’t imagine my life without him. I love his strong personality. But for the last 3 years he hasn’t made room for me, for my personality, for the things I want and need…  There is only room for ATrain for himself and his son in his life.  As I reflect,  I realize that he never made room for me because I was soooo accommodating.  What do I mean?  I just wanted to make him happy and making him happy was a full-time job.  I gave him control, and with that he turned into a demanding 4 year old.  And now he is used to having someone of my caliber and quality around without having to work for it.

I’m looking for Effortless and Natural…   tell me your experiences … are you married to E&N?  How does your relationship work?