Life Changes

Family Tragedy.

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Just a few short months ago I was hanging out by a pool, relaxing, and putting off my work stress for the day. It’s been a ridiculous journey and has only gotten worse.  Which is why I haven’t written – as my parents taught me, if I don’t have anything nice to say, it’s best to say nothing.  So I’ve written nothing.

Work stress has been overwhelming.  So much so that my Dr. says that I will need medication if I do not control it.  So I’ve been meditating and medicating to help myself deal with the high level of stress. I do NOT want my adrenals to shut down and require prescription drugs for the rest of my life.

But now a family tragedy has pushed my work stress out of my mind.  My nieces husband was in a work accident and has lost both of his legs.  Yes, his legs are gone.  He is still in intensive care and is headed into his 3rd surgery tomorrow.

I HATE being so far away.  I do not like that I’m not able to be there, to help, to support, to do anything, even if it’s just sitting with my niece at the hospital.  I feel so helpless.. She has so much family around her now she has requested that I come out in 2-3 weeks… which of course I will.

I have set up a gofundme for them here – https://www.gofundme.com/newlegsforjohn – please donate and/or share this URL with others.  Any little bit helps.  The way I figure it, if 1000 people donate $50, AbFab’s family will have enough financial support to get them through the next year without worrying about losing their home.

I’m not sure what else to say. Except that all the whining I’ve done over the last 3 years has me feeling spoiled and ungrateful.  Life does suck sometimes and it will toss a whammy or two my way, but at least I have my limbs.  I now have a new perspective …

I’m sure my new-found perspective will get me writing again.

 

 

 

Life is Full Of Lessons.

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a-lesson-will-repeat-itself-until-learnedI’m spending a lot of time by myself, thinking through my relationships, the meaning of life, and trying to wrap my head around what it all means.

I’m lucky that I have a lot to focus on at work during the week.  I’m working hard – really working at changing my career for the better.  It’s been harder than I expected.  I just got my performance review back, a 360 degree review.  I’m struggling with some feedback, it is opposite of what I expected, and opposite of what I thought I’d discussed with my manager during the hiring process. I’m thinking hard about what I plan to do about the review and what it means for my career. I am NOT going to seek for approval or acceptance for an unlimited time period.  I will give myself a few weeks to work through the feedback, discuss my thoughts with my manager, and set my boundaries.I’m no longer willing to give without getting.. At the end of the day, I need to define the amount of time I’m willing to give before I get what I want.

Which leads me to what I’m really after.  I’m not willing to wait around for someone else to tell me what I’m worth. My job is to define my worth and let others know what that is.  I set my currency value.  I’ve never done this before – and looking back, reflecting on my past relationships, I realize how much power I have given up both at work and at home.  I don’t mean power in the way of control, but power in the sense of defining the things that are important to me, communicating the things I need and want from others.

This is a very big revelation for me.  I am disappointed that I didn’t learn this lesson from my first big relationship loss, or the end of my marriage… and that it actually took a total of 4 failed relationships to learn it.  But hey, at least I’m learning it now.  Knowledge is power, and is the first step in change.

Soooo, here I am. With a new found revelation.  I love it. It’s time for change, and I’m all for it.  Have any of you read the book How People Change?  I read this in college and I think about it all the time. The lesson I learned from the book – that awareness is the first step to making a difference, a real change.  There is a lot of work ahead to make my new found perspective a reality. But I know how to do it. So I’m on my way.

A Warm Welcome to 2015!

PaulasPonderings7 Comments

2015-in waterI’m super excited about 2015.  I started working on having a good 2015 in September.  2014 and 2013 were bad years for me.  I gave up on 2014 being a good year something in July and began focusing on 2015.  2013 and 2014 were almost worst than the year I got separated/divorced.  Different struggles but equally if not more difficult.   Ugghhh, so glad that 2014 is over.

Anyway, enough about the bad times, I’m off to a great start to have another Year of the Paula (like 2010-2012).  Like I mentioned, I started in September – I stopped waiting for my managers to recognize my work and took action. I found a new job, better title and pay.  So far its been great. The company culture feels more like home to me.  Because my paycheck is larger, I was able to refinance my home.   Now I’m starting 2015 more financially secure than I’ve been in a couple of years and its feels wonderful.  There is more to do, but I feel confident I can make it happen.  With that, here are my goals for this year:

  1. Get Body Confident.  I’m tired of feeling fat, letting my fat get in the way of doing what I want, getting what I deserve.  I’ve spent so many years, since 2006, feeling bad about my weight, feeling bad about myself, losing confidence in myself year after year.  This year no more.  I will lose the weight and get comfortable about where I end up.  So, what does this mean?
    • Lose weight. I’m 132 – that is about 20 pounds overweight for my 5’2″ frame.   I was 100 pounds for most of my adult life, I got married at 30-something at 112 pounds.  It’s time I get back to the weight I’m comfortable with at OR shut up about it.
    • Exercise more.  I need to get more active.  I stopped working out regularly about 2 years ago, when I was working with Man Hands down at Cisco. I’ve never really gotten back into it.  This is the year. I’ve committed to working out 2 nights a week – I joined a yoga studio and signed up for a belly dancing class.  I will try these classes for 3 months and figure out what I want to do next.
    • Address my stomach issues.  I have, for many years, had significant stomach issues.  I used to wake up sick in the mornings, so sick that drinking water would  have me dry heaving in the shower.  In 2014 I went to see a nutritionist and fixed this problem (thank god!) but I still have significant “flare ups” with my stomach and intestines.  I am going to address this once and for all.  I am starting 2015 with a diet change – I’m going Paleo.  And I’m going back to the nutritionist.   I was inspired by Danielle Walkers story (AgainstAllGrain) – and now I’m ready to take back my life.
  2. Take Charge of my Career.  I’m doing it – I’ve met more with my manager in the last 3 months than I did my entire tenure at my last job.  Why?  Because I thought my managers would recognize the great work I was doing. Did they? No.  And when I asked for what I deserved, we were on very different pages.  Didn’t bode well for either of us.  So I’m not going to let that happen again.  My goal is to have a meeting with my manager 1x a month to discuss my career, my progress, and set myself up for promotions and an executive position.  I am a great worker, a good leader, and highly qualified. With my manager’s guidance I am going to do very well.
  3. Me.  I need to work on me.  I have a few issues that I want to deal with – I didn’t recognize it until I sat down with ATrain and really discussed our relationship – where we are, where we want to be, where I WANT to be.  Two issues in current relationship are the same ones I had in my marriage, and I am the common link there.  Me.  What I have today is similar in some respects to what I had in my marriage.  I’m with someone who has integrity (my EX did not) so the conversations are much more real, more open, honest, and revealing.  So I will seek out a counselor this year and work through some bad habits and become more aware of what I want, what I need, and the changes I need to make- mental and behavior – to get what I want.

I think that is it.  It is a lot but I’m ready for it.  I need a change, I need my life to be different, and I’m in charge of making this happen.

I loved 2010 and 2011 and 2012.  They were GREAT years for me for the most part.  I want more of these kind of years.  And to get more of these years, I need to know myself better, treat myself better, and give myself permission to have it all!

I wish you all a great 2015 – may all your dreams and aspirations be realized.

Yacht Body Here I Come.

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Yacht-bodyMy goal is to have a “Yacht Body” by May.  Why May? Its my birthday month sillies!  And I want to go on vacation, on a yacht, somewhere warm.

Why a Yacht Body? Somebody has to make the yacht look good! That somebody is going to be me.  This is one of my 2014 New Years Resolutions  (which I have yet to post) – to get fit, lose weight, and rid myself forever of my barrel body.  My goal is to get healthy, get active, and get yachting!   My unrealistic goal is to lose 20 pounds by my birthday.

I’m in Australia right now, my last night in this fabulous country.  I fly home tomorrow.  And on Saturday, March 1st, my Yacht Body regimen begins. So far I’ve got the following set up:

  • an appointment with an allergist to figure out what causes my stomach inflammations
  • a weekly Yoga class on Tuesday Nights
  • a full month of Fat Blast classes 2-3x a week – times TBD (I want evening to keep me from drinking, morning classes may be my only option)
  • Zero alcohol

I do plan on staying home most of the month as I get grumpy without my vodka or wine.  But this is really important to me. I feel like the source of my confidence issues from my short and round stature, my barrel body…  its stops me from going all out, it holds me back.  I don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore, so I’m going to do something about it.  Just like I did with my GM Diet, I will blog about my progress.  I’m expecting significant results, largely because of the zero alcohol and the changes I make based on the results of my allergy tests.   This has been a long time coming, I’m glad I’m doing something.

So now I’ve put it out there – so I have to do it right?  You will all keep me honest, right?

And if you have ideas or suggestions on how to stay motivated or want to share how you lost weight, please do so. I’m looking for your help!

Indian in Chinatown.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

apple-amongst-orangesYep. I have found and am eating at the only Non-Chinese restaurant in Melbourne’s Chinatown district.  Well, to be fair, it is the only Non-Chinese, Non-American establishment within 2 blocks of my hotel in the Melbourne Chinatown district.  And its a Sunday night, and there isn’t much open on a Sunday night.

I find this choice much like the choices I’ve made while on my life’s journey – against the grain.  I have opted to NOT eat at the 1000 Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, noodle houses, etc. near me.  I’ve picked the one Indian restaurant around – Jaisalmer Palace.  The food – delicious. I would definitely come here again, what a find!  But the bigger question – Why do I pick the one place that isn’t “normal”?  Whatever causes this type of thinking, I was born with it.  But enough about me, let’s talk about me!  Just kidding (sort of).  Let’s talk about my day/weekend.

  • First, I am in fucking Melbourne Australia!  Yes, that’s right, Melbourne. Only one of the best cities on this planet.  It’s San Francisco, but better (nicer people, generally happier people, less ego driven, more relaxed, etc..). It’s like Italy, but better (it actually has a sustainable and growing economy)..  would I move here? In a heart beat!
  • And one of my very dearest, best friends lives here. Lets call her Smiles from now on, because she has one of the best smiles ever. Its taken me 10+ years to get back to Melbourne and be in her presence. Seeing her for the first time, again, it was like no time had passed, It’s like we haven’t skipped a beat. Catching up with her, our lives, and visiting with her family makes me feel truly alive and lucky.  Last time I was in Australia, I visited with Smiles and her immediate family (mum, dad, sisters, etc)  and had more fun than any one person should have in a lifetime, let alone 2+ weeks.  10 years later, we are both in very different places, and we are still as connected.  She shared her life openly.  We were swinging singles back then (not really, single yes, swinging, no).   She now shares her life with a handsome Aussie and 2 kids..   Spending the day with her and her family made me feel so lucky – I’ve done something right because someone I love to the end of this earth just shared a day in her life with me without reservation.  How lucky am I??
  • AND (I know, it gets even better!!) one of my newest besties is ALSO living in Melbourne.  I got to catch up with her, introduce her and her hubby to Smiles, and who knows… maybe another connection made.

This weekend, for me, is what life is what MY life is all about.  Connecting with people who I love dearly.  I know I don’t have kids, and I will not carry on the typical “legacy”, but that is o.k..  I live, I love, and I feel loved.  And being in this space, where I love openly, where I feel loved, isn’t that what life is about?  Taking care of those we cherish?  Knowing who to cherish and why?  I spent what felt like a lifetime in a marriage with someone who didn’t love me – didn’t truly love my quirkiness… and it took its toll on me. I bring it up now only because it’s taken me 5+ years to close this insecurity.  I have fewer and fewer why didn’t it work” moments (not just with the Ex but with My Mr. Big, Mr. Showtime, and the like, which you can catch up on by reading The Roster (which I will update soon enough)) and more and more “here we go” hands-up-in-the-air roller coaster moments.

So, while trying not to be philosophical, life has been a roller coaster and I’ve often felt out-of-place.  But today, this weekend, while sitting in this Indian restaurant 15000 mile away in a city I love because its near a bestie, I realize, I’m in exactly the right place for me.  Which is the path that 99% of the people would NOT take. I get that, and I’m learning to be o.k. with it.  And more and more I’m better than o.k. with it, I’m LUCKY to have had this path.  Definitely not what I pictured for myself, but truly lucky to have experienced it thus far.

O.k. now I need to leave this restaurant, go back to the hotel, and get ready for work tomorrow.  There are a few other things I want to write about – such as saving a super drunk girl from herself last night (my first night with an Aussie wink wink was not what you would ever guess/think), the Melbourne lights night that was super crowded, to meeting strangers at the Exec Lounges (and I love it!!). So many stories, so little time!

Behaving Badly Down Under.

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New Besties from Western Australia
New Besties from Western Australia

So, WTF?  I am shaking it up down here in Australia….

First, I met a couple that I LOVE, that I am definitely going to keep in contact with.  I sat with them for breakfast and dinners for 3 days – they are an amazing fun couple.  We stayed in the Executive Lounge all night 2 nights in a row just talking and drinking…  It was so much fun I forgot to eat dinner 2 days in a row!  Margaret wants to take Errol to Italy, so we have made plans to vacation in Italy in September 2015.  I’ve signed myself up to plan this 2015 Italy vacation, and everyone is welcome.  We will be spending a week at a castle in the Umbria region, then another week on the Amalfi Coast… give or take a few weeks/months/years depending on my work, boyfriend, or marriage situation.  😉  The picture I’ve attached is of my new besties!

Second, I went out with the local sales guy yesterday, On Tuesday…. too yummy.  It took everything I had in me to behave appropriately.  He is handsome, down to earth, very attractive, fun, …. but he has his own set of distractions – he does have a girlfriend, and ex-wife, and a child..  I went home alone, but don’t think his luscious gorgeous face and thick accent was easy to leave behind.  Good thing for him that has a Niami Watts girlfriend type around to keep him happy.  Now I just have to find my Liev…

Went to a client site on Wednesday then spent most of the evening catching up on other work.  Another Hotel guest asked me to join him for dinner and I did. It was fun to not eat alone. He is from Connecticut, recently retired, and on his way to spend 2 months in New Zealand… I look forward to hearing about his adventure when he returns.

So that’s it. Nothing really “Bad” per say, but certainly not my regular routine.  Feels good to shake it up a bit.  And I love Sydney and the Australians in general. What a super nice bunch of folks.  Must be something in the water…

One last question – the girl I sat next to on the airplane.  I want to be  her friend.  She hasn’t reached out to me but I found her on Facebook. Is it too “stalkerish” to friend her?  If I do that she will know I had to find her – as she only gave me her name, no contact info.  Please advise.

10 Days in Australia.

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14_02_19_SydneyClosetHello from down under! I just arrived in Sydney Australia. The trip was FANTASTIC- thank you Virgin Australia, Xanax and Ambien. I woke up, had breakfast on the plane, watched Shawshank Redemption, deplaned, went through security, picked up my luggage, and took the train to my hotel.  I’m all checked in (the room doesn’t have a bathtub??!?  What is going on with hotel rooms without bathtubs??).

I’m out of the country for 10 days.  I’m in Sydney for 5 days visiting with Customers. Then off to Melbourne to visit with more Customers. In between these weeks, I will be spending the weekend in Melbourne, catching up with two close friends. I’m soooo looking forward to it.

I packed one carry on bag for the 10 days.  I’ve attached a picture of all the clothing I brought with me for this 10 day trip. I’m super proud of myself for picking comfortable easy pieces that I can mix and match. I’ve been meaning to reduce my wardrobe, I can’t wait until I lose weight and I can get rid of it all EXCEPT for the cashmere.  🙂

I also sat next to this very cool girl on my way here. We are going to connect via email and the next time I’m in Sydney we are going to get together. She is 10 years my junior but very wise. She has lived a great life thus far… I will share her blog with you once I get the info.  I don’t want to give away her name just in case she too writes under an assumed name.

It’s raining here. The locals tell  me it’s about time – they haven’t had rain for a long time.  I wanted to go to the beach, I’ve never been to a Sydney beach, but alas, it is a to-do for another day.  So instead I went shopping.  Really just browsing and people watching.  I wanted to see what everyone is wearing, interact with the locals, etc.. I did purchase a coat, which I need for the week. It’s a casual business jacket.. I’ll wear it every day and beyond. Not cheap, but a good piece.

Now I’m in the Executive lounge having a glass of wine and posting this message.  I’m super excited about being here, being on this adventure, this journey. I need this time away from my regular life to figure things out. I cannot believe that I’m 42, cash poor, living in a persons garage apartment… at 42 I’m starting over. Why do I do this to myself? And what do I need to do to define a right path and stay on it. I saw this book at the airport and I didn’t buy it – http://www.amazon.com/dp/1583335080 – I didn’t want to carry it and thought it would be available at the next airport.. it wasn’t. Now I must have it.  Do I order it on Amazon and wait until I get home to read it? I feel like it would be such a great book for me to be reading NOW.

I’ll try to post every day – I know that I have a lot on my mind, it would be super helpful to have your support and guidance while on this journey!

I’m Back. Again.

PaulasPonderings9 Comments

Raccoon_twinsNow I realize I’ve said this before, then disappeared again, but I have made it a New Years resolution to post more.  And by “post more” I mean that my posts won’t be so thought provoking, insightful, humorous, well-formed.  What there will be is more of them – I think its called quantity over quality.. Walmart style.

Anyway, I do need to post all my New Year’s resolutions so you can keep me honest, but I’ve run out of wine – first time in god, 10 years?

My funny comment/post for tonight was this:  I just saw 2 raccoons in the backyard.  I jumped out of my chair, opened the patio door, and yelled screeched at the top of my lungs “eeeeahhhhhoowwww”. Really loud. Four times.  Raccoons ran away. As fast as they could. I heard them scurry up the fence.  They are long gone, but my  cats are still freaked out – not because of the raccoons, they didn’t even see them.  Because of me – everything was fine, they were sleeping.. then their mom spun out of control.  Just made me realize how obnoxious I really am.

So what’s happened since my last post, where I needed a new life?  I’ve done it.  I now have the beginnings of a new life.  In the last 3 months, I no longer live with A-Train, I’ve rented out my awesome house,  and I’ve moved into a tiny 1-bedroom cottage. Why? To get back on track financially and spend some time alone to focus directly on myself and my happiness.  And in searching for the URL’s for above, I came across this post – Who Am I?  It’s hard to fathom that I’ve been lost for almost a year.  Good thing I have this blog to keep me honest. 😉

Anyway, another year of “The Paula” is here.  I’ve used, once again, my New Years resolutions to shift my focus, to change my life.  Every year is a new opportunity to be a better person….  so here I am, working on me again.

Making Changes.

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life-changes-imageI’m back.  In the midst of changing my life for the better and making time to write.  I will make it a regular occurrence to post from now on – it’s an outlet that I’ve missed these last few months.

I’m in New York right now. One of my best friends is getting married today.  I saw her for the first time in a long time last night and she looked so happy, excited, content.  She just glowed and so did her fiance.  Their energy permeated the room – it was such a special time and I was so honored to be there, sharing such a special moment with them.  Made me tear up.  My friend deserves all the happiness in the world – she is one of the most kind, generous, and honest people I know.  I am grateful for our friendship.

Anyway, I have made some significant changes in my life,  and I am working towards a more peaceful, happy existence.

The first big change is at work. I have changed roles at my current company, and am now doing a job that comes natural to me.  I love what I do, I love my new manager.  A good manager makes all the difference in the world.  She is amazing, and I’m so happy to be under her wing.  I now have a balance of life, I’m engaged with my girlfriends again, and also have time for myself.

The second big change is where I’m spending my time.  I’m doing what I love  again- connecting with my girlfriends.  I’m making the time for the ladies I love, the ones that have held my hand through the happiest, toughest, roughest, and darkest parts of my life – the years with AbFab, my divorce and the following reclusive years, the year of dating, my job challenges (Man Hands).  I don’t know what I would do without their help and support, it feels so good to be back in their company.

I’ve got a few more things to work on…

  • I’ve got some weight to lose… which isn’t new.  I complain about it, it greatly effects my confidence and self-esteem, but I’m not doing anything about it.  It’s a simple fix – stop eating and drinking so much and work out more.  I don’t know why this is, why I sabotage myself; keep myself down.  I just bug myself sometimes.
  • My relationship.  I love my boyfriend but it’s just feels really hard to keep our relationship in good standing.  Relationships require a lot of work, and I’m tired – I’m certainly not being a good girlfriend, I don’t think I know how to do it.  I think that love doesn’t conquer everything – I feel like we are trying to shove a square peg in a round hole… we are two different people who have different definitions for relationship.  Neither one of us is bad – we are just different, and that is o.k.  I still want him in my life, I love him, I care for him.  But I don’t think we were meant to be together in a traditional relationship.  And that is o.k.. But I do waffle about this – this is how I feel today.. tomorrow it could be completely different.  I need to figure out what I want/need and make it happen.
  • Finances.  I’ve really got to figure this out…  with the new role came a lot less $$.  I need to really cut back on expenses, which means I need to get real honest with myself and what I need.  I have real estate I need to just let go of.  I’ve always wanted to own a place in Utah and stay there when I visit my family… but I can’t afford it.  I have a condo that I love – but instead of enjoying it, I subsidize my tenants lifestyle.  That is reality.

So I commit to sharing my journey of change with you again…

Date With My Utah Realtor.

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I’m in Utah now.. a different world.  Completely different world.  Its so interesting to me – that 2 hours flight from my home in the beautiful Bay Area brings me to a world that I  barely know/relate to.

Tonight I went out with my realtor.  He’s a 70+ year-old man… I’ve known him since 2003 when I purchased my first rental property from him.  I’ve bought and sold a half dozen properties thru him. We are friends, and I see him every time I come into town. We are the same in the sense that we support our family members…  He has daughters/nieces/nephews that he cares tremendously for…. I have the same.  We compare war stories… we laugh about our “single” lives, make fun of our married friends, the provo/Utah Valley “bubble”… you know, we connect. 

Tonight we met for dinner. 8 years of friendship.. life changes, life tragedies (divorces, death of his mother, etc), acceptance, new friends.. etc..  the full cycle.  I assumed it would be the same as it always was.  Nope. Not tonight.  We didn’t have the same ‘”as it always was night”…  For whatever reason, he couldn’t even look at me. He said I was too pretty.  He kept looking away. He asked if I lost weight….  He couldn’t pin-point it.. but something was different for him.  We got thru the night and enjoyed each other, but it was awkward at times.

I have not lost an ounce  since I saw him last… done nothing different… I showed up tonight in a casual dress with a sweater, casual makeup, big smile, and happy to see him attitude.  The only difference between tonight and 6 months ago – me being more comfortable in my skin.  Thats right, no weight loss, no dramatic changes…  just me. Me at 40.  I’m different, I’m better.  Yes older, but so consciously happy and comfortable with where I am.  I know, I have no man, no prospects of a man (society must be ready to hang themselves). But I have great friends, a job I love, and in general, a very good life. 

So the picture I’ve added is of us.. without our faces.  He always wears the same outfit – jeans, long sleeve shirt, and a lizard/gator vest.   Cracks me up – I dont think I’ve ever met up with him and he didn’t have it on….  He never leaves home without it.  This, I know, will never change — The Vest.  Here it is, in all its glory.