Losing My Home.

I still can’t believe it, but it is true – I’m losing my home.  Not to foreclosure, not due to inability to pay, due to lack of cash on hand.   Well, my partner needs to sell and I don’t have the cash to buy him out. So, my house is  now on the market. The photographer came by and took pictures today, the broker’s tour is in a week, the open house is in 2 weeks.  As much as I’ve not tried to think about it, it has finally hit me.  It hurts. I’m back to where I was at in 2008.

Why did I partner in the first place?  Good question, I did it for several reasons –

  • I could NOT afford to buy a house in the area I wanted to live
  • I had a real opportunity to make gains in the real estate market
  • I wanted a place to call home that I created

I’ve posted my excitement about this house on this blog for almost 2 years now:

It’s crazy how life can change in an instant, and that we actually have zero control of most of what happens to us in our lives.  Once again, I’m due to be homeless NOT by my own doing.  It makes me feel sad, angry, frustrated all at the same time. I want to scream…  I want to cry.. well, I have been crying, haven’t gotten to the screaming yet.

I work so hard. I’ve worked so hard for so long.  And the harder I try, the harder I fall.  I’m feeling very down about it, very sour about the economy, the way life works.  Is it possible to get ahead?  I’m starting to wonder why I work so hard.  I’m tired of my job, I don’t like who I work with, I’m sick that I work so hard and this is what my life has come to…..

I’m not sure if I’ve shared this, but ATrain asked me to move in with him a couple of months or so ago… I liked the idea because it gave me time to be with him while working (he likes to be around me even if I’m busy)..  The cats and I have spent the last month or so at his house. We like it. But I’ve always had my house to go to when I needed some time (and some clothes~).  I did not fully move in.  Now the idea of living with someone is scary to me – when do I get my private time? How do I share space with another human being again?

I really enjoy my independence, my alone time, my quiet time, when no one expects anything from me….  my safe place to fall if you will.  Can I create this while living with someone else? Am I strong enough to demand it, make it happen? 

Having a place of my own made me feel more powerful, like I had more of a standing in asking for what I needed/wanted.  Losing the house makes me feel very scared, very vulnerable, very worried about my future…. 

When I got separated/divorced I trusted my Ex, I thought he would take care of me. He did not. As a matter of fact, he did the opposite – he used my trust and naïveté against me …  I lost the house and money that I deserved.  I feel like I’m in the same place again… But not for long. I’m going to see a lawyer, to understand my rights, and figure out what the right solution is for me. What will make me happy…. or at least make me feel less scared. My appointment is tomorrow, Thursday at 1pm. 

Wish me luck.  I need it.  I’ll let you know what I find out. I think we can all benefit from a bit of knowledge… and it is therapeutic to share it with you.

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