Paula's Ponderings

Connections. Aren’t they great when they work out?  When both parties feel it? I love them.  Sometimes though, it just doesn’t happen. 

As you all know, I felt a connection with the Dear Paula letter writer.  I definitely felt something there, and thought it was shared…   obviously not so.  Took me a while to wrap  my head around that one, and I thought I had learned this lesson already.    I’m sad to report that this is not the case. 

So, I’ve been dating. Signed up for a free online dating website, thought I would take my chances….  whats not to like about it (besides the bombardment of men not in my criteria that email me daily)..  the off-chance that I meet someone that is not in my circle of friends that I’m attracted to is much better than if I wasn’t on the site and did not meet new and interesting folks.  I like this concept –  meeting new people that are interesting that I would otherwise not meet.  So much fun, right?!

In my limited experience so far, online dating is much like thrift store shopping. There are many things before you, but you have to decide,amoungst all the crap, what you like and what you are willing to go out with, and every  now and again, you find a gem.  I do well in this environment – picking my flavors and making the most of my dates. I’ve built my roster, yes, a roster of gents that I go out with on a regular basis.  I like all the men…  all have potential, but there was (notice the was?) one in particular, that I felt was moving forward nicely…

So, this person, I thought felt the same way- a connection (a physical AND mental attraction and a mutual desire to see more of each other). We’ve had 3 dates over a one month period.  All were great, fun, “getting to know someone” experiences in my mind:

• the initial meeting – where we decide that we are interested in another date (that we both were representative of our profiles, worthy of moving to the next step)
• the second date –   witty banter, playfulness, and mutual physical attraction.  We played pool, had intelligent conversation and there was definitely some flirting going on.
• The third date –  was about mental connection in my mind – he talked about his kids,  we shared  life goals (work, retirement, travel, etc), the dissillusion of our marriages, and then our perspectives on ideal partners (I was the first person he’s been interested in since his seperation)… how easy it feels to spend time together…  We made plans for a 4th date when he returned from Dallas.

Well, last night, while out with my girlfriend, I saw Mr. TX with another woman.  Not thinking about it, I approached him to say hello (why wouldnt I ??).  He behaved very strangely – he did not give me a hug, then immediately stammered something out about the woman he was an “old friend” from TX.  Fine.  I got a very wierd vibe from him, told him to have a great night, and walked away.   But as I walked away, my back to Mr. TX, my  girlfriend got a wierd look on her face and said, “EWWHHH”.  Apparently Mr. TX and date began making out like teenagers (the date making it clear to all that they were together).  The bitter sweet part is that the folks that work the bar, which I know, said to not worry about it, (to come back to the bar later), because he was leaving “again” in two weeks for a long bike ride…  all said with a  smirk and I think a wink!  This made me think that they knew he was not an upstanding guy… not one worthy of my attention/affection.

First, he owes me nothing.  I was not expecting anything from him except honesty (which we talked about on our first date because of how crazy online dating can be).  But given the way the night played out, I am pretty sure he has not been honest with me.  I wonder if any of the things he said to me are actually true —   He told me he’s a busy executive of a small company, travels a lot, has a crazy schedule, enjoys my company and would like to make plans with me as his time/schedule permits…..    Seemed reasonable to me, but now, is any of that true?  Or is he really a used car salesman from San Bruno, who lives in a studio apartment, or better yet, with him mom?  Who knows, what I can say with certainly, is that given the wierdness last night, I’m NOT the first person he has spent time with since his seperation (blondie, his date, could probably confirm this)….

So, its very clear to me now the Mr. TX I had a few dates with is clearly not who he said he was.  I totally missed the mark.  I was a little taken aback by this.  All I could think was about being played – I was played.  And I fell for it, I let it happen.  I didn’t see it coming – never would have thought it (who does that???).   Chalk this up as another lesson learned for me —  Once again, I realize that I am nieve, I actually believe what people tell me.  When am I going to learn????   I do not want to become jaded, but I honestly don’t know if its possible to be open, honest, AND date. 

So, folks who are out there, how close do you hold the cards? How much do you reveal about yourself? How much of what someone says to you do you believe/trust?   I’d welcome any tips/tricks/advice.