Paula's Ponderings

Giving Thanks.

November 24, 2011PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! This my favorite holiday, a time to really focus on and appreciate what I have. I have so many great friends, I love the family I’m close to, and I really enjoy my job. I’m very content with the way my “new” life has turned out… I’m very lucky – I’m healthy and happy.

So, onto a life update. First, I apologize for being so out-of-pocket. Work has been busy, and I’ve just not had the energy to write. I’ve got a ton of things to share, but no time to share them. A quick update below as I have to go and get ready for my big Thanksgiving dinner with GFP’s family. GFP is currently on the roster, but over the year, we have become very good friends. I love this man, he is definitely one of my best friends now. He will be moving off The Roster and onto my About Me page here shortly.

Work wise, the meeting in ATL was great, but the deal isn’t going to close this year. Mama may not get her diamond ring for Xmas. 😦 Good news is that we did what we went to do, and there is potential to close the deal in Q2 of next year. Works for me. It’s a deal still on the table. Yeah.

Family wise, AbFab, the Hubby, Mayonaise, and Shanayhay are heading to CA. They wanted to drive vs. fly (crazy kids I tell ya). They will be here in a few weeks and will spend a week here… I can’t wait! I’ve taken a few days off to spend with them. A lesson I learned while my parents were here. Yes, my parents came out a few weeks ago and I did not take any time off. I know, what was I thinking?!? I absolutely loved having them around, spending time with them in my hood. My dad wasn’t feeling well so they only met one person. That person? GFP. Yep, GFP came over and we all watched football together. It was a very cool evening.

On the dating front, I met a wonderful man unexpectedly. He was sitting at the bar at my favorite bar/restaurant one evening when I was hanging with CLicious. He is smart, energetic, fun, has a job that he enjoys, loves his family (he has a 23-year-old son).. I’ve been out with him 6+ times now. He is a gentleman thru and thru. He is older than me by quite a few years – by 23 years. As you know, I like them older so this doesn’t bother me. He is so nice to me, always thinking about ways he can take care of me. I’ve never had a guy want to take care of me – focused on how they can contribute to my happiness. It’s very different for me. I’m still uncomfortable with having someone be so kind to me but this is definitely something I need to get over (I’m so used to taking care of myself, why can’t I just let that go a bit and let someone else do something nice for me?!??! This is a topic for another blog).

I’m also thinking about my New Years Resolutions. I love setting goals for myself.. I’ll spend the next month formulating them… I don’t like Christmas – the commercialism of it all, so I choose to ignore the holiday, be a good person, and think about where I want to go/be next year… This makes me love this part of the year.

O.k.. I’ve got to go, get ready to hang with GFP and his family. Please enjoy the friends and family you’ve chosen to surround yourself with, appreciate what you have, and let go of the rest.

A Pissy Post.

November 5, 2011PaulasPonderings4 Comments

Be forwarned – I’ve had a few cocktails and I’m feeling a bit pissed about what has happened lately.

I just don’t get it. If you are a nice gal, like myself, are open and honest, the girl next door type, you get screwed. If you look great (not that I don’t look good mind you, I’m a hottie, I’m just a 40-year-old hottie), are a bitch on wheels, desperate, needy… you get a guy. I think of the men I’ve fallen for this year – all of them amazing in their own way – independent, honest, cool, different/unique… super interesting. EVERY single one of them is driven to please needy, pissy, bitchy women (including but not exclusive to their ex-wives). .

I’m great, what they want, their “dream girl” as they have all said – gorgeous, self-sufficient, independent, fun, etc… They couldn’t ask for anything better. But in the end, they drop me (and in not-nice ways)… why you ask? I’d love to know for sure. But what I suspect is that it’s because there wasn’t enough drama for them. Men love drama… makes them feel loved, needed. They want it, they need it. I think it’s totally immature, but I think this is it.

I’ve been reminiscing… the 3 men I’ve fallen for since my divorce; One that I loved with all my being; My Mr. Big, the one I would take back in a heartbeat IF he ever showed his face again.. gone. The other two had potential to capture all of my heart…. but won’t because they are still tied to ex-lives (IMO). All 3 have recoiled from a relationship with me,and I know it’s not because of me. It’s because of them. As much as they said they were ready, the were NOT ready for a mature, supportive, non-jealous, fun, loving, sexual, easy relationship. All of them weren’t ready for this for different reasons…. but for me, it’s all the same – they weren’t ready for something fabulous and fun.

As I think about this, it pisses me off. I spent 2 years figuring my shit out BEFORE I put myself out there. I wanted to make sure that I was ready for a healthy relationship… I thought men wanted the same thing. But after this year, I do NOT believe this is the case. I think when men “are ready’, it means they are ready to throw themselves out there and catch what they can (and the younger, more immature the better).

I think I’m done for the year… I’m disappointed. I don’t need a partner, I’ve got my friends, my cats, and lots of to-do’s to accomplish this holiday season… I’ll think about what I want to do for next year and focus what I need to do to get a partner as part of my New Year’s Resolutions..

So that’s it. I’m pissy.. don’t understand men… giving up on them for the rest of the year. If you have advice, I’d love to hear it, it will help figure out what I do in the New Year.

Its My Fault You See.

November 1, 2011November 3, 2011PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Anyone who knows me knows I can’t leave well enough alone… I’ve got to know, why did Mr. Showtime fall off the face of the earth?

So, I sent Mr. Showtime an email, a nice one, basically stating that I had enjoyed getting to know him, but I was now clear, based on his actions, that he was not interested in pursuing anything with me, I told him that I would have preferred for him to tell me in person, that I’m just that kind of gal. I also let him know that I would be sending his things to him and asked that he return my eye pillow. Wished him well… yada yada.

The good news is he responded. The bad news is that I’m still in the dark…. here is his response.

Hi “Paula”,
I will forward your eye pillow of course, and thank for the nice note and for forwarding my things. While we had an amazing time, you made it perfectly clear on several occasions that you don’t do drama, and I have some sudden and serious drama in my life right now, so to spare you the drama I thought it best to walk away. I am sorry if my actions caused you any pain, but I assure you the drama would have been worse.
Please take care of yourself.

I do appreciate that he responded, and I’m relieved that he is still alive (albeit in a some sort of “serious drama” hell). I’m not any closer to an answer, but this will just have to do. It’s clear to me he has zero intention of calling me back or reconnecting with me.

So to answer the question from my original entry – how do people do it? Here is a good example of how they do it – they just shut down/off and walk away.

And on a side note, unlike Dear Paula Letter Writer’s response, Mr. Showtime’s response seems to be his own (not cut and pasted from other emails, websites, etc.)….

I will have to update my Roster to reflect my time with Mr. Showtime. As quickly as this unexpected goodness came into my life, it has also ended.

Not Home. No Candy.

November 1, 2011November 1, 2011PaulasPonderings3 Comments

This is the sign I hung on my door this evening. Yep, the fun hater in the neighborhood is me. Never thought it would be – I love Halloween…. but today, this week, this year, not me.

Mr. Showtime and I had planned a simple party, a Napoleon Dynamite character party, where I would be LaFawnDah and he would be my Kip. Obviously that didn’t happen. When will I get to be LaFawnDuh???

I just had dinner with GFP, and I have had enough to drink to say things I probably shouldn’t… but here goes:

Love GFP… because his friendship means the world to me, and there are no strings attached. I love that he is in my life… and he wouldn’t be if he was as black and white as Mr. Showtime and Dear Paula Letter Writer were about relationships.
I make the best Pomegranate Martini’s … so delicious they are dangerous.
Breaking Bad is the best series EVER. I just finished Season 3 on Netflix… Bummer for me. Season 4 just finished but Hulu doesn’t have rights to run it (along with a bunch of other shows). I’m getting close to discontinuing my relationship with Hulu.
My parents are coming to visit this weekend… I’m planning a Meet the Parents night… more deets coming.
Unicorns is gone. Once again she has galloped out of my life, into her own… she will be living in Boston soon. I can’t wait to visit. 🙂

In general, I spent the day/the last few days feeling down (Katie’s departure, The end of my time with Mr. Showtime). Its been hard to get up these last few mornings… not too hard to pick up a glass of XXX (goose, wine, etc)… I need to snap out of it quickly…. The upcoming holidays surely don’t help. I’ll figure something out…

Oh, I also have decided to start focusing on my New Years Resolutions. I take them very seriously, and I need something to focus on right now… work has been good but very frustrating, and my love life.. well.. hasn’t been that great.

O.k.. so I’m done with my public pity party. Halloween has come and gone… I didn’t pass out OR eat any candy today…… Makes this a good day in my book.

Here Today Gone Tomorrow.

October 27, 2011October 31, 2011PaulasPonderings3 Comments

Thank you to all who have written to me about Mr. Showtime and his disappearing act. Seems like everyone has gone through a situation similar to this, man or woman.. We all seek answers when this happens, but there are actions people take that just don’t make sense.

Anyway, I’m flying home from Chicago as I post, on a Virgin America flight (best airline in the world people!!). Since I have wireless, a computer, power, and wine at my fingertips, I thought I’d write…. give a quick update, provide a few more details on why this particular situation, Mr. Showtimes’ disappearance is so strange.

Time Together – we are both busy individuals, so although we were talking or texting frequently, we were only able to see each other a couple of times a week. Sometimes it was during the week, sometimes it was the weekend. We were not rushing into something (at least I didn’t think so)… I thought the amount of time together was perfect – enough to keep wanting more. 🙂 We just made a point to enjoy the time we were able to spend with each other.
Sex – some of you suggested it might be because he got sex that he disappeared. We had been having GREAT sex for 4 weeks, and it just kept getting better and better. We talked about this, and how getting to know someone mentally, physically, and emotionally really makes for great intimacy.
Self Awareness – he seemed much more self-aware than most men I’ve met. He seemed to understand that communication was key to a good relationship, that to be in a healthy, happy relationship, each person had to be healthy and happy. He had spent time thinking about what he wanted in his life, setting goals for himself, and actively working to achieve his goals.
Consistent – Before he stopped calling/texting, his actions always matched his words… he said what he did, did what he said. There was zero inconsistency in his interactions with me.

He has a demanding job and is a very active father of 3 grown kids (18, 20, 22). Because he is busy AND has great qualities, I had originally thought that something was wrong – that he had become gravely ill, that something had happened to his father (who had stopped by for a visit AND “has limited time on this earth”)….. And maybe this is still the case, I don’t know. BUT, if a friend knows you are concerned and you don’t call/text them back… well, that isn’t a good friend. Certainly not someone you keep in the “inner circle” for long.

So I am sad, it’s a sad situation. I did see potential…. so I have had a heavy heart this week while in Chicago. I even turned down and evening out with colleagues on Monday so I could “work on my demo”, a.k.a. have a pity party and post to my blog. I liked him.. we definitely connected. But alas it wasn’t meant to be…. if it was, we would still be communicating.

What I do know is that he left a few items at my house (on purpose – because he planned to come back) AND I left my eye pillow at his house and I need to get it back. My thought is to send him his things along with a SASE and a note stating “please return the eye pillow. Greatly appreciated” and leave it at that. 🙂

Behavior I Just Don’t Understand.

October 25, 2011October 25, 2011PaulasPonderings8 Comments

So, it takes a confused heart to get me back into writing.

Life has been extremely busy since I’ve written last. I’ve been traveling a LOT for work, my best friend Unicorns is staying with me for a while, and I’ve been actively dating.

Work has been great – being busy is a good thing – together with my team we are making good progress on closing a few deals. They won’t happen right away, but we are definitely moving in the right direction.
Friendships – Having Unicorns in town has been fabulous. I love having her friendship, guidance, and support around me 24-7. As you will soon learn, its been a good thing.
Dating. Mr. Showtime turned out to be fabulous. We had instant chemistry, lots of things in common, and we had a great time together no matter what was on the roster. He even met a few of my friends – FreeBird and Unicorns, and they both gave him the thumbs up. Honestly, up until last week, I would have said that things were progressing very nicely.

But here is the weird thing. And guys, please pipe in because this kind of behavior is very strange to me. It’s happened to me twice now – the first time with Dear Paula Letter Writer, and now Mr. Showtime. This must be pretty common behavior amongst a certain type of man? Or is it the timing? I realize I’m the common denominator here … maybe its me…

Mr. Showtime and I started interacting since our first date. We weren’t able to spend too much time together, but we were in constant communication. He would call and/or text me everyday. He would say sweet and darling things, i would reciprocate. A few weeks back, Mr. Showtime went to NY for business. While he was away, he called and texted me every day. He got back a week ago Saturday night, I picked him up from the airport and returned him to his house. We spent Sunday morning together, took a drive before he had to go to work. I dropped him off at his house, with plans for him to come over to my house for dinner that evening.

At the end of the day, he decided he was too tired and wanted to chill at home, which I totally understood (I would have done the same thing). Here is how the rest of the week/weekend played out:

Sunday: even though we planned to have dinner, I had to text and call to find out what he was doing. He was tired and wanted to stay home.. got it, no problem.
Monday: I reached out .. he responded that he was sick.
Tuesday: I offered to stop by with soup… he declined.
Wednesday: no contact
Thursday: I texted him asking him if he felt better. Suggested we get together on Sunday. His return text, “That sounds nice”.
Friday: no contact
Saturday: I texted him, asked him how he was feeling.. wondering if he was up still up for Sunday. No response.
Sunday: I texted him in the morning, sharing with him I was a bit worried and just asked that he let me know he was alive. I got a “I’m helping my daughter move”. I thanked him for letting me know, wished him well with the move and that I would call later. I called in the evening, got his VM, left a brief message.
Monday – Today: Left him a VM stating I’d love to catch up and he could call me anytime.

So that’s it. I’ve put the ball in his court. It’s very strange to me that we would communicate pretty much every day since we met, and now he has dropped off the face of the earth. But I do believe that his actions are very consistent with someone who prefers not to see or speak to me again, so my plan is to let it go. If I don’t hear from him by later this week, my plan is to send him a simple email something along the lines of “it’s fine you’re no longer interested, but I really wish you would have told me so directly”… I’m mean come on people, aren’t we all adults here?

Honesty, simply disappearing from the face of the earth is just rude and I’ll never understand it. I did a bit of research on this topic, ran across this article, Why Men Disappear, which gives me some clarity… but I’m still confused that people in general are o.k. with this strategy. My Mr. Big was able to do it, Dear Paula Letter Writer did it at the 2 month mark, and it appears that Mr. Showtime is at it himself now that we are at the 2 month mark. Its funny, I struggled with breaking up with Chicken Legs, but at the very least we had the conversation multiple times.

This is why I have a confused heart. My heart is churning, trying to find a reason for it, because it just doesn’t make any sense. I would have never expected this from Mr. Showtime (or Dear Paula Letter Writer for that matter…) He was very clear about his interest, very consistent with both his verbal and physical communication… up until a week ago. Just so odd….and has me searching for the why….

I should be focusing on a demo right now, but I just felt the need to get this out there. I’m hoping by sharing it with you, you can help me figure it out, and release the confusion from my head and heart, because frankly, I’m getting tired thinking about it. I know I’ll be fine… it’s just another blip on the radar of my romantic life.

😦

Life Update.

September 23, 2011PaulasPonderings1 Comment

I realize that it has been forever since I’ve posted… I’ve been busy working AND dating… yes that’s right, dating (I know, ME, Dating!!). I’ll focus on the dating for this post.

I met a few gents while out with friends a few weeks ago. They both took my number and called so I went out with them (I like to reward good behavior).. One of them has potential. I really liked him, he likes me, but he is intermittent with his contact with me…. I respond to him when he reaches out, but don’t do the reaching out. Something I learned a while ago – if men want it, they will go for it… I look forward to hearing from him again… maybe it will pick up, maybe it won’t…

In the meantime, I met a few men online, and one of them has a lot of potential. An email from him turned into an email exchange, then turned to phone conversations, which lead to lunch on Saturday, then football watching on Sunday (49’s lost.. damn them), which lead to a few calls this week (I’m out-of-town in Idaho), and ultimately has ended up to be 3 future dates –

this Saturday we are going to a charity concert at a winery
next Saturday my friend and I are going to see and dance to his band
and the following Saturday we are going to see the Blue Angels in SF

All I have to say is WOW, a guy who knows what he wants, and what he wants is me (Yeah me)! And it doesn’t hurt that he is so darling (handsome and sweet).. I’m going to call him Mr. Showtime (he’s done a bit of acting and is the lead singer in a local band)..

On the work side, work has been very busy but rewarding. I’ve got a lot going on, but its all good stuff… I’ve been traveling a lot, which is to be expected given the time of year and the accounts I have. It will settle down before the Christmas holiday, which is when I will enjoy some me time.

Yes, I’m wearing a smile all the time. Life is good.

Lots Of Interesting People Dating Online.

September 13, 2011September 14, 2011PaulasPonderings2 Comments

I think I’m the last conservative girl on the planet.. well, me and my friends.

So, yes, I’m back to online dating to build my roster… coming across all sorts of interesting folks… Here’s a letter I received from Frank:

“Hello from Frank.

Your profile was selected by OkCupid as someone I would like to see, and am dropping you this note to say hi. My name is Frank and I am a professional white 50 year old married poly* man, and would enjoy chatting with you when you have the time. I also use the email xxxxxxx@yahoo.com . I travel on business in Asia, and like to visit and explore new places.

Hope you are enjoying your week, and it would be a pleasure talking some more with you!

Frank

* poly as in polyamorous: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

Isn’t he sweet to think of me, thinking that I would be a good fit for his group/clan? I know very sweet. I’m thinking about it… 🙂

Building The Roster Once Again.

September 10, 2011PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

There are a bajillion things I should be doing other than what I am doing… What I should be doing is:

out and about enjoying this amazing California sunshine
running a bunch of errands
doing my 2010 taxes
doing my expenses

Instead, I decided that The Roster is nearly empty once again and I need to fill it back up. Empty why you may ask?

MM Lebanese guy – he is traveling extensively this month.. I was out-of-town last month (in Hotlanta)… I like him, but its going to be a while before we have a chance to reconnect. Not sure if the distance makes someone grow fonder. In my experience it does not – its been more of an out-of-site-out-of-mind thing. I do hope he keeps in touch and calls when he returns, I would like to see him again. But I’m not going to hold my breath….
Middle Seat Airplane guy – The beautiful black man I met on the airplane. Yum! Anyway, I’ll be in Boston later this month.. I sent him a witty email about my visit and asked him out. Yep, just went ahead and told him what I wanted – to see him again. We shall see what he does. If he doesn’t respond, I’m sad to say he will be off the roster.
The Chef. I had lunch with him.. He is definitely interested. he finds me to be “one of a kind” – beautiful, kind, and sincere. I know, he should be a keeper. But you know, he calls me EVERYDAY. I feel stalked in a way… and maybe that’s because I don’t like him. 😦 I’ll have to do something about this one soon.

So what did I do to remedy this situation? Took charge. I’m a girl of action – I brought my online profiles back to life. I checked out MillionaireMatch.com and returned a few emails, I reactivated my POF.com account, and I signed up for OkCupid.com. I put the same profile and pictures on each site. Here are my thoughts on these sites as of today.

MillionaireMatch.com

I love that there is a place to go and its about income. Now I can’t get very granular in my search (only look for people in the State of CA for example), but you have to state your income and its visible..and verifiable. I like this. I do NOT want to date anyone that makes less than me. So I really like this site for its honesty around finances. I’ve got two suitors that I’m emailing with… One lives in Southern California, another lives here in Northern California. I will definitely let you know if they turn into anything more substantial.

POF.com

Why why why did I reactive my profile? I did a search for what I’m looking for, and it should not be at all shocking that most of the men that I saw months ago are the same ones that popped up. And the guys that have reached out to me with winks, kisses, or whatever the flirting method on POF is… well, not that attractive or interesting. There is one potential at this time – a man who I favorited actually wrote me and said he enjoyed my profile and would like to meet me. A man who took initiative. I like that. So the ball is in his court as they say and I will let you know if anything happens.

OkCupid.com

I thought I would try this site out. I like the interface, its easy and intuitive. I had initially done a search online and found one guy that I thought was adorable and had a great profile. So I registered, completed my profile, added pictures, then favorited him. THEN I read his profile. And as cute and adorable he is, he’s allergic to cats. I did send him an email letting him know I enjoyed his profile and a few other funny and witty comments. But I do mention in my profile that I have cats, so my guess is that as charming as I am, I will not hear from him. Bummer. For now I’m going to just hang out on OKCupid and see what comes to me…

Oh, and one last note, the advice on the website is that women keep their dating pool open, date several men.. sorta like a roster… I think OkCupid and I have the same philosophy on dating… 😉

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