PaulasWorld

Flying Gods are NOT With Me.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

O.k.. so The flying gods are not with me despite the well wishes from my fans!!   For “mechanical reasons” (overdue inspections), United has grounded quite a few flights…  I was not only NOT able to get on an earlier flight, I will consider myself extremely lucky to sit in a middle seat and get home as promised…  United committed to get me home by 10pm….  if they actually follow thru, I will be shocked .  We could all take head of the lessons that the airlines teach us —  set very low expectations and not deliver consistently. that way, when they actually do deliver once in a while, the “shock and awe” is good.   You actually get excited that they followed thru on something because it happens so rarely. 

All of you should know that I’ve done extremely well with my NOT drinking on the airplane (I know, why would I make this a NYR.. … I dont know, I just did it)…  Its been really hard, but I’ve followed thru.  For the first time I felt comfortable with the decision was on 2/13… flying to Boston this last trip.  It was the first time I didn’t salivate (if you will) for a cocktail.  I am in the preliminary steps of breaking a habit.. I’m so proud of myself.  So, when my family, friends, dates (ex husbands) suggest I drink too much, I will tell them, “but  I dont on airplanes!!!!!” . Yes, with that much enthusiasm…. 

O.k. so many “thoughts” are flying thru my mind while at the bar, a few of them include:

  • United Airlines.. you suck.  You basically over-promise and under-delive every single time. 
  • Customer Service Reps.. whether on the phone or in person, why, why, why do you join/be/stay in Customer Service if you dont like helping people (or people in general)??  I’ll never get it.  My advice – if you don’t like it, get out, you make this world a worst place to live in because you are so miserable. 
  • Why is the guy in front of me in grey/green scrubs?  Didn’t have time to change before a flight?
  • Men who wear rings, sit next to “hooker looking” girls at airport bars, and mention their wives..  really?  Hmmm…
  • Boston if cold… just plain cold. Their warm days suck – its still cold.
  • Boston accents are funny … and cool (if you are good looking).
  • Funny how every man under 6′  is the same height as me… whats up with that?  They are either short or tall.. no in-between.  And I’m the 2nd shortest person I know so why do I discrimate so?
  • Thank god they don’t let folks use cell phones on the airplane. If I sat next to a chatty cathy, I would have to kill them…  I am sure I would NOT like prison life.
  • Someone just walked into the bar.. and now it smells like dirty socks.  Gross – who can’t/doesn’t take the time to change their socks/shower during travel?

O.k..   I’ll update this blog as interesting thoughts come to me…   once I board the flight though, its all over, I’ll pass out before takeoff (something about the vibration).  However, as you all know, the Paula jutebox will never stop.

Flying Standby.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

Oh lordy, what a bumpy ride I’ve had these last couple of weeks.

Long in short of it is that I’m flying standby on a flight to SF from Boston.  I flew out to Boston to deliver a demo, my first one for my new company.  It was NOT to a customer(thank god), but to my managers… who gave me great feedback on my demo delivery.  I am growing as a professional, learning from people that I respect and admire.  I’m so lucky… 

 The demo … well, not great.  But I now have room for improvement.  🙂  BUT, in my defense, my computer crashed and I cobbled together a decent demo in 4 days..    I’ve leaned a lot, but I am totally exhausted from the experience.  Its 10pm, my face is washed, I’m in my jammies, and I’m in bed.  I can’t wait to fall asleep.

But tomorrow brings the opportunity to fly home early…  to depart on the 2ish flight vs. the 6ish flight.  I want everyone to cross their fingers and wish me luck – I need to be home and in my bed NOT working on a demo for a few days….If any of you out there have United influence, please help.  Send good wishes my way – I know I’ll need it now that I’ve lost status.

O.k. Short but sweet post – I’ve just swallowed a little white pill and I have 8 hours of uninterupted asleep ahead of me.  Dreammmyyy.

My Dad Has A Twin.

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O.k.. so I do NOT have many dating experiences under my belt, But I’ve had my first “rock your world” date …  but not in a good way. 

First, Dad, Mom, I love you dearly. This experience may be offensive to you, so if you proceed to read, do so with caution and remember to be strong – I love you!

So, tonight, I went on a date with a nice guy – he was a happy individual, has great relationships with his sons, has an intersting and well paid profession… but when he came to my door to pick me up for our date – it was over.  He looks EXACTLY like my father.   We spent the first 15 minutes at my house, gave him the tour, talking about where we wanted to go…   he was very nice.  But in my head, all I could think was that I was about to go on a date with my FATHER!  Poor chap, after one look it was over –  I do not want to date him OR think about having sex with him.  Ewwwhhhh.

Now, the date wasn’t planned.  I’ve been very busy and focused on work for the last couple of weeks,  but I received a call, out of the blue,  from this gent asking me to dinner.  I needed a break and I enjoyed talking with him, so why not?  As a matter of fact, he actually flew in a day early so that he could have dinner with me… I was definitely impressed with his level of interest.

WE went out, had a couple of drinks at a local watering hole, then had a really nice dinner at a local restaurant.  Everything about our surroundings was perfect, and we actually had good conversation.  However, there are thoughts that ran thru my head, that no matter how great this guy was,  the date was “over”..  I don’t even think I can be “just friends”… I have a dad, and I can’t get past that “dating my dad” thing..   O.k.. so the things that I wanted to write down in my little red pad (while he was talking!!!)  include:

  • He sweats profusely.  At first I thought he was just nervious or thrilled to be with such a fun, good looking, and intelligent person, but it just never stopped.  He was wiping his forhead and neck all night long.  It would have been better if he turned to me and told me about a gland problem he was afflicted with… but he did not.. I have no idea why he was sweating for hours straight..   maybe he is detoxing from something??  No idea.
  • Nervous habits.  He was so fidgety… always moving around.. back and forth, hand movements, facial expressions, bulging eyes….   Maybe  its the drugs?  Or he is just really really expressive…
  • Loves VW’s.  Collects them.. loves them.  A VW Horder if you has me (he has more than one).  My dad, too loves VW’s.  Just ask me and/or my mom about my fathers passion for anything VW.
  • Bad Knee. Nothing wrong with it, it is what it is.  But my dad also has a bum knee.  Lots of stories about the knee, what happened, recovery, and living with an aching joint.  Again, nothing wrong with it, it just reminds me of dad…  It also means he doesn’t exercise and thats a deal breaker – running is my therapy and I love a man with a nice firm body… 
  • Face.  The man looks exactly like my dad!!!  Same receding headline, scar near his laugh line, grey hair…..  

So, I need to say again, I love my dad, he is awesome.  Love talking with him, catching up with him, and taking care of him (as much as he will let me)…..   but I dont want to date my dad, and I certinaly do not want to have sex with my dad! 

Given all of these things, there is just absolutely no way we can have a relationship. Friendship maybe, “Friends with Benefits” – no way.  Poor guy, didn’t know/doesn’t know yet he’s out….. or why.  How do you tell someone this?  I would love to hear what you would recommend I say…. I know he is going to call me again. Grrrrr.

Dating at 40.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

Dating at 40 is very different than it was when I was in my 20’s.. I spent  my 30’s married and divored.  Now, at 40, the scene has changed significantly.

First and foremost, I wanted to let everyone know, that the man who sent me the Dear Paula Letter is a kind person.  I was lucky to spend every minute with him, he was of the upmost calliber – he was a true gentleman with the highest of integrity, was honest to the bone, had true grit, had the greatest energy, and was a blast to be with.  He has set the bar very high for the next round of gents I date.  So please don’t confuse my sadness with anything that he did.  I own my grief….  I was/am sad that the person I truly enjoyed being with, that I had tons of fun with, that I conncted with did not feel the same way about me.  Oh well, that is part of life.  I’ve got my big girl pants on now… its fine.

What I have been pondering lately is the new dating scene I’ve found myself in.  I’ve been thinking a lot about these past few weeks.  There are a couple of things I’ve learned/am learning/will continue to ponder:

  1. What I find attractive is so very different now.    What I wanted in my 20’s is definitely NOT what I want now.  In my 20’s I was looking for someone in my same boat – single, looking to build a partnership/relationship in the spirit of creating a family.   I don’t want this anymore.  I am single, without kids, but given my experience with my niece, I feel like I’ve lived a full life – raised my kids,  enjoyed the ups and downs of unconditional love.  I do not need to give birth to a baby to feel complete.  So I have no biological clock ticking ….  I am looking for someone who is NOT looking to start a new family, is older, wiser, wants to develop a strong friendship/bond, and a fun, drama free relationship.
  2.  Whats on the Market Now.   On the market now are either single guys in their 40’s or divorced men  in their 40’s.  Given the option to date a single person with no children or a divorced person with “extras”.  I’d pick the divorced man.  40+ year old men without a long term relationship and/or a family just does not have enough life experience for me.  They are often too needy, still want someone to mother/take care of them…   I don’t want to be someones mother, I want someone who can take care of themself (like I do).  So, I go for the more complex option – man with history/a past.  I want someone who has struggled, has learned about themselves, has dealt with adversity, and is able to clearly articulate who they are and what makes them happy, sad, energized, etc..  I know that being with this kind of man presents its own challenges,  meaning they may have kids, ex-wives, financial setbacks…  I get it.    But I’m o.k. with this – I am attracted to men who take care of their families, who want the best for those around them, who know how to compromise, know how to make tough decisions, know how to communicate.  Its just what I prefer – and its a good thing, because at 40, there are adult men, good men out there who have been through the ringer, and are looking for a solid, genuine, independent woman to share a few good times with.
  3. The Art of Dating.  For one, I don’t think I have dating game – I want to get there and meet new people, find friendships, establish connections, and just maybe, find that special somone I can explore this life with.  But I have no idea really how to go about doing this because everything is different now (points 1 & 2 above) …. … This hit me while I was getting my hair done and reading the Dating Virgins  article in this months Marie Claire.  Basically this article points out that women (and men I suspect)  tend to fall back into the comfort of a full relationship rather than enjoy dating.  Dating can fun – getting to know someone is exciting.  My favorite quote from the article is “dating is a marathon, not a sprint.”.  Personally, I’m in no hurry to get into another relationship –  I have no end goal that I’m trying to accomplish.  But after reading the article, maybe I do ..   just because I don’t know what I’m doing AND when I find someone I like, I do want to spend as much time with that person as possible…… maybe this is too much too soon?  I don’t know.   This is something I’m going to watch as I begin my dating adventures.  My focus will be on enjoying the moment of getting to know someone, not pushing, not rushing, just enjoy what is.

 So, dating is different now.  I’ve changed, and the dating pool has changed, the game has changed.  I’m open to this new life, willing to take that leap of faith, get out there and have fun with a lot of  intersting adult men.  I’ve got nothing to lose and a whole lot of new friendships to gain and interesting experiences to have.

Go Paula!



Feeling Much Better.

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Gosh, what a bit of time off can do for your mental health.

I’m feeling much better.  So happy to NOT be on an airplane right now.  Sophie has been found – two ladies dropped her off Thursday night with the cat sitter.  In this world, where its just me and the cats, I need help.  Patti, my cat sitter has been like a second mother to my little ladies.  I will forever be greateful for having her in my life and all her help.

I did not do much around the house or errand wise, instead, I took care of myself:

  • I’ve gone running twice now and my body craves more.  I love California – the fact that I can go running pretty much anytime is amazing.  Who needs a therapist when there is the great outdoors and all thoughts, angst, and solutions just work themselves out?
  • I spent time with great friends who are like family.  They listened to me, talked with me, shared a meal and drank with me.  God what a comforting feeling to be amongst good friends. 
  • I slept very well in my bed. My bed is the best ever ….   I could stay in it all day, every day if I was independently wealthy…

I love having my home to come home to.  Yes its still unorganized, and yes, there is a bunch of things to do (most of which I need help with – putting rugs under beds, bed skirts on beds, installing a new towel rack, medicine cabinet.. the list goes on and on), BUT its mine… its a place I can call home, where I can be safe, warm, and comfortable. 

Yes, you can see, Paula is returning to her normal self.  I have learned a lot about myself these last 3 weeks, the most important things are that:  

  • Even when I feel down and out, I’m still a strong and nice person, 
  • I have a really hard time asking for help, and
  • dating is so new to me!

I have more to share on these topics, and when I get to a place where writing it all down helps me, I’ll share.

For those of you who reached out to me these last few days, thank you so much, it means a lot to me.  Your kind, supportive words were exactly what I needed.

Sophie is Missing Again.

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Sophie has gone missing again.  I knew spending 3 weeks out-of-town would be tough on her….  I thought that having a cat sitter would help alleviate her anxiety.   I know she is a cat, but she loves/craves/needs human attention/affection.  She needs it more than most humans I know.  She is such a love bird.

I recieved a message on Wednesday about Sophie from a total stranger.  This woman, Monica, called to let me know that Sophie had been “found” …. that she had taken Sophie into her home.  She called at midnight EST so I wasn’t able to respond until Thursday (3 hour time difference)..  I called her immediately.  I thought we lived only a few houses apart…. I told her to just let Sophie go, that she would find her way home.  She left me a message stating she let Sophie go Thursday eve, but Sophie has not shown up at the house as of yet.   I’ve called Monica a few times, left messages, and she has not responded.  The cat sitter, bless her heart, has gone above and beyond to find her….    to no avail.  Sophie has been gone for 2 nights now, Thursday night, if she doesn’t show up, is her 3rd night away from the house.

I’m beside myself. My heart hurts..  I feel so stressed and helpless about being so far away and not being able to do anthing.  My life is taking forever to progress.. minutes feel like hours.. I’m not focused on anything but finding Sophie….  I’m also overwhelmed by the fact that when I finally do get home, I can’t do anything until Monday (SPCA doesn’t “do” lost and found on Saturday)…. I’m not functioning well…  I thought I was stronger than this, but I guess I’m not.  I’m at the end of my rope.. I’ve got nothing left to give.  This event has pushed me over the edge.

I’ve taken a full ambien so I can sleep tonight.  One more day of training and 8 hours of travel… then I can be home to whistle for Sophie…. I hope it isn’t too late.

Here are the links to her first MIA and our renion.

Totally Drained. Emotionally Spent. Nothing Left to Give.

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These last 3 weeks have been brutal.  I have been traveling non-stop to Boston for 3 weeks for my new job to get up to speed on new technology, messaging, and relationships.   I’m just recovered from a  bad cold.  A friendship I really enjoyed somehow went from fun to fatal in my absense.  My dad has not recovered from his surgery and is not doing well. My nieces car engine needs to be replaced so she can get to/from school and work.   And tonight, while at dinner with colleagues, I received a call from some crazy lady back home who has trapped my cat inside her house.    She is going to let her go tonight – but who does that??  Sophie, the cat, only travels/adventures out when I’m gone too long, heads out to look for me (or love.. maybe food)…. breaks my heart. 

The experience of processing everything that is going on and trying to figure out what I need to do to move forward has left me emotionally spent.  My energy levels are very low. My body feels heavy, tired, and completely run down. My mind is muddled and blank. I’m not quite sure what direction to go in….  I’m numb.

I know that life is busy and full of challenges… most of the time I can handle it, and sometimes even with grace.  Other times, like now, it just takes a toll.  I have zero room for anything else right now…. I have nothing else to give.  And I still have two more days of training in cold, grey Boston….  an expensive car bill… an unhappy/trapped cat.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get thru the rest of the week.  Friday can’t come soon enough.

I cannot wait to come home, spend time with friends, see the cats, and reconnect with myself .

Dear Paula Letter.

PaulasPonderings6 Comments

I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Who WOULDN’T Hold Onto This?

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Ok friends… do  not judge.

BUT, today I spent the day unpacking, and look at the fancy little number I came across… yes, you see correctly, a set of pewter champagne glasses … holding hands (see how the holding of hands creates a heart…. awwwhhhh so cute!).  I know at the time I thought this was very special, because they are NOT and have NOT been prominately displayed in any home I’ve lived in – they are still wrapped up tight in their original box.

A little piece of history about me, I used to save everything… everything.  I would save anything I valued, cherished it really.. take care of it like a newborn chick… tuck it away, safely, in the back of a drawer, deep dark corner of the closet.. look at it, touch it.. but never using it. Knowing it was there, safe and sound, made me happy.    My mom will tell you, it used to frustrate her to no end.  She would purchase common things for me (underwear, shoes, etc..) and I’d continue to wear the old ratty ones, while coveting the new ones, in their original package, until they no longer fit.   I’ve worked very hard at breaking this habit.  Now, if I don’t need something, I toss it out. No more storage, no more “holding on” to things that are not useful (it’s a wonder I’m still single… ). 

Obviously I still have a bit more “letting go” to do.  Because as I am unpacking some final boxes (mostly wedding and holiday stuff),  I came across my “together forever” champagne glasses.  Funny thing, I can tell you when I bought them, who I was with, what I was doing…..  the feeling of being at the Shakespeare Festival, in Novato,  eating corn on the cob, hanging out with my girlfriend Gina (no boyfriend as of yet)…..  the feeling of being there came rushing back.  It had to have been 1995…  maybe 1996. 

I did a bit of research, this set is now worth $100.  I know I didn’t pay anywhere near that because a) I didn’t have the money at the time, and b) the first time I spent $100 on one item was a pair of shoes….  (black high-heeled loafers from Macy’s)…

So, I will sell this one of a kind set  (looks like its a thriving business for the artists/pewtersmiths – http://www.fellowshipfoundry.com/perl-bin/catalog.cgi?ITEM=K010, but my combo is unique) but the memory will always be with me…

Crying on the Airplane.

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What is it about sitting on an airplane, watching movies on the 12 inch monitor attached to the ceiling that makes me cry?  I’ve cried maybe a handful of times over the last year, most of which, has been on airplanes (non-airplane crying includes in my bed after receiving some bad news, and another time on the couch watching Crazy Heart…)

So tonight, I’m on a long flight, probably the longest flight you can take and still stay in the US – a Coast to Coast trip that takes 6 hours.  All for a good reason.  But because the flight was so long, they showed two movies.  Both movies brought me to tears. TWICE in one night (which would be awesome if it was speaking about a different situation….  huba huba huba).

The movies – Eat Pray Love and The Switch.  First, I read Eat Pray Love, and did not take a liking to it. I felt it was fake – here is a woman who got paid to spend a year off, running about in three exotic places, “discovering” herself, and writing about it.  We should all be so lucky.  I spent the 12 months after my divorce working, taking care of the cats, and learning to breathe again (as you have born witness to on this very blog).  So I would prefer to strip out the drama and learn about how other people did it; how they picked themselves up after a major heartbreak or “failure” and got back on track.  I’m also no Julia Roberts fan – she knows how to be herself, but really, outside of her goofy grin and giggle, what does she have?  There is an episode of Family Guy that makes fun of her..showcases how much she loves herself: Julia Roberts Loves Herself.    Its one of my favorite Family Guy clips.  😉  But, the result of watching this movie on the airplane?  Tears.  Damn.

The other movie – The Swith.   It does have Jennifer Aniston in it, not the best actress.. plays herself well, but she doens’t do it for me (I love the Kates –  Kate Windslet and Kate Blanchet).  Anyway, one of my favorite actors, Justin Bateman, is in the movie (loved him in Juno, fabulous in Arrested Development) so I gave it a chance.  It was cute.  Besides all the unnecessary drama, I liked it – the theme was about taking risks for love…  If there is anything worth taking a risk for, shouldn’t it be love (and money)?  Tears.  Double Damn.

I do not like to cry, and more importantly, I do NOT like displaying emotions in public.  Its nobody’s business what I’m going thru, and if I’m going thru something emotional, then I want to be doing it in the privacy of my own home.  Apparently not last night though, as I shed a bunch of tears while on a plane with a bunch of strangers – I let it be known that I’m actually a softy…    Thank god no one recognized me.

O.k.. I have dry lips and have to find my chapstick.