Think, Think, Think, Think, Think…

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I’m so frustrated with myself for so many reasons.

I’m in Nashville this week, on a business trip. Prior to coming to Nashville, I was in Utah visiting with family and friends.

My birthday was last Friday – I’m officially 44. I spent the weekend with my friends in Park City. They spoiled me with great meals and their fabulous company. C-Licious, one of my best friends, moved to Utah 10 months ago. I miss her desperately. It was so good to see her, but it also made me realize that I do feel really incredibly alone in CA without her. She was the one I visited with most often …we spent a couple of times a week together as well as at least one weekend night. I do have other very close friends near me, but they all have their busy lives and I do not see them often.

Now that I’m in Nashville, I am interacting with folks but I’m not connecting. It is like I am numb all over, and no matter what I do I can’t seem to feel.  Feel anything.  I’ve heard some great stories about people, friends, their families.  Normally I would be totally engaged… moved by the intimacy of sharing experiences.  Not this week – I really like the folks I’ve spent time with, but I am having a difficult time connecting.  That is my thing – I have an ability to connect with most people on just about anything…  I just couldn’t do it this week.

What is wrong with me? I had such aspirations at the beginning of this year. I was so excited, so energized to make changes.  And now the year is almost half over and I’ve done nothing to change the course of my life.  I know I need to, I know I want to, I’ve even written it all out in my 2015 New Years Resolutions. I know the important things take time, but god damn it, I need a bone.  Something, a small sign that this is the right path… that life is going to get better, a light at the end of the tunnel… that things WILL get better soon… I keep thinking that I need some time off, a trip away, a long one where I can regroup and get my bearings back…  but I am not in a financial position to do this.  This is something I will create for myself so this situation never happens again.  But for now, it’s not going to happen.

All I can do is think.  My mind just spins, over and over.  I moving towards my New Years Resolutions, but outside of that, I’m doing nothing.  Because my NYR are taking a while, I feel I’m frozen. I’m standing still, unable to move in any direction. I keep telling myself that I will feel different once I reach my goals – once I lose the extra weight, once I get my finances in order, once I get to where I want to be professionally…. but these things aren’t going to happen if I do not DO SOMETHING.

I am in a sad state.  I know that this is just a phase, and it will pass.  But right now I’m desperate for change. Desperate to get out of this life I’m in – that I wake up to everyday and wish desperately that it was different.  . So much so that I am now seriously considering moving to Utah.  I’ve been looking at real-estate – what I can afford is exactly what I want AND I can afford it.  My biggest fear about moving back is being alone… Salt Lake City isn’t exactly the mecca for singles, especially singles in their mid-forties.  But it’s not like I’ve done that well for myself in CA.  And the good part is a better quality of life, I will be closer to my family, and of course to C-Licious.

Do i stick to my current plan, my New Years Resolutions, or do I just pick up and move on? Moving seems easier, my life would be easier – less financial stress, less job stress, I would be closer to my family and friends.  The thing that hold me back is that I would not be able to get back into the Bay Area (once I sell I can’t purchase again – all prices are out of my range)….. .  the real question is do I really care about having a foothold in the Bay Area?

Well, it’s late in Nashville. There was a party tonight and I couldn’t muster up the energy to go.  One of the first cities that I’ve visited that I didn’t get out and mingle with locals.  Sad really, I was very much looking forward to this trip – to seeing Nashville. I’ve heard so many great things about the city and the people.  Another thing that I didn’t do because i just didn’t have the energy to get out and socialize.

I’m so lame right now.  Lame friend, lame person, dull and unexciting.  I’ve lost my Paula Peppiness… I’ve got to get my groove back.  Any guidance on how to do this would be helpful and appreciated.

Now I need to get to bed so I can catch a plane home.  I get home late on Friday and I’m looking forward to seeing and holding my precious babies.

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For The Love Of Wine

i-enjoy-a-glass-of-wine-each-night-for-its-health-benefits-the-other-glasses-are-for-my-witty-comebacks-and-flawless-dance-movesI know, its been forever since I’ve posted, and all I have for you is a few short sentences about how much I love wine. Well, it is what it is.

I love wine. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it makes me feel (happy and warm inside), I love drinking it by myself why relaxing at home, I love drinking it with my friends.  Wine is such a great beverage.  It really should be in the Guinness book of world records as the best drink EVER.

Anyway, 2014 has not yet turned out to be the “Year of the Paula” like I was hoping/expecting.  The good news is that I’ve not lost sight of the vision I have for myself, so slowly, I’m working towards making it that way…  I WILL NOT LEAVE 2014 the same way I came into it.  Something will change, for the better, and it will be significant/substantial.  I’m just not quite sure what the change will be…  will I get a new job? Will I come into some money? Will I have my yacht body?  All great questions…  we shall see.

Totally Drained. Emotionally Spent. Nothing Left to Give.

These last 3 weeks have been brutal.  I have been traveling non-stop to Boston for 3 weeks for my new job to get up to speed on new technology, messaging, and relationships.   I’m just recovered from a  bad cold.  A friendship I really enjoyed somehow went from fun to fatal in my absense.  My dad has not recovered from his surgery and is not doing well. My nieces car engine needs to be replaced so she can get to/from school and work.   And tonight, while at dinner with colleagues, I received a call from some crazy lady back home who has trapped my cat inside her house.    She is going to let her go tonight – but who does that??  Sophie, the cat, only travels/adventures out when I’m gone too long, heads out to look for me (or love.. maybe food)…. breaks my heart. 

The experience of processing everything that is going on and trying to figure out what I need to do to move forward has left me emotionally spent.  My energy levels are very low. My body feels heavy, tired, and completely run down. My mind is muddled and blank. I’m not quite sure what direction to go in….  I’m numb.

I know that life is busy and full of challenges… most of the time I can handle it, and sometimes even with grace.  Other times, like now, it just takes a toll.  I have zero room for anything else right now…. I have nothing else to give.  And I still have two more days of training in cold, grey Boston….  an expensive car bill… an unhappy/trapped cat.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get thru the rest of the week.  Friday can’t come soon enough.

I cannot wait to come home, spend time with friends, see the cats, and reconnect with myself .

Lost and Not Found.

Hello all.

So its been a while since I’ve written on my newly formed blog. I think about it daily, but as Randy Travis croons about, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

So, I didnt want to write unless I had “figured my shit out”… well, I’m not sure if this will ever happen (after all, I am Paula).  Have any of you ever had a period of time in your life where you just don’t know what the hell is going on or what you’re doing? When you feel completely lost? Not necessarily hopeless, but lost?

 

I’ve been very busy this year, dealing with “storms” if you will, finding a job, dealing with a seperation/divorce, finding a place to live, making sure the cats are happy (you have kids, I have cats, pets are the same as kids… they need taking care of).  Anyway, Its much easier to focus on goals when you are firced to focus on them, when there isn’t much choice (going to college, getting a job, parents becoming ill/incapacitated, etc).  I’m now learning that the hardest storm to weather is the storm I create for myself. Let me explain.

 

I’m now unpacking my worldly posessions in a rental property that really decided on me (based on availability).  Given this, we (me and the cats) have adjusted.  But for me, this has been challenging….its not my own, I want it to be… but it just isn’t.  So I’m dealing with not having things go my way, but really, thats the half of it.  The real challenge for me is trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life; HOW do I want to live the rest of my life? 

In some ways, I feel like I’ve been given a second chance, in others, I feel like I’ve disabled myself (to divorce, wanting/wishing to have “it all”).   Which is it?  Only time will tell.  I do feel lost.  I do not know which way to turn.  Will it be a situation that determines my path; such as losing a job? A family emergency?  These are easy things… what is hard is making the decision that changes my life in the direction I want to go,  taking ownership of my path forward.    I do know that something has to change, and I do think thats its only a matter of time before something happens; before the road reveals itself, and/or I chose a path to crawl/walk/run down….  

 The real question is, will I recognize the right direction for me?  Will it be obvious, or will I have to “dig for it”, like a B rate star shopping at a 2nd hand store for a Gucci bag?   Only time will tell.