New Home is Coming Along.

Home Sweet Home

I stopped by the new house today. Check out the progress.  The electrical work was signed off by the city, the insulation and wallboard goes in. By Friday, the house will seem like a house (instead of a disaster area).   I’ve been taking pictures along the way, so I’ll post some of the good before and after’s on the site.

I am 8 weeks into construction, and I have another 4 weeks to go.  I will be moving in early November.  Its crazy to think how this stroke of good luck came to me….

Anyway, I’ve attached a picture of the front of the house as it looks today.   The reason I decided to post the picture is because much wont change from what you see except the color.  To stay on budget, there are a few things that I just cant afford to do right now: 

  • fixing the delapidated/leaning front porch
  • add the new back deck
  • replace the yard/lawn area in the front as well as on the sides

All in all, these are items that are very nice to haves, but not must-haves.  Must haves are a kitchen, laundry room, bathrooms, etc..   As long as I can live in it comfortably, the rest will just have to wait.

Moved On… Mostly.

So, I feel that I’ve mostly moved on (from the divorce).  I thought I had completely recoverd until recently. 

Most of the time when I think about th EX and his behaviors,  I just shrug and say “oh well,  his deal, not mine” and just move on.   I do this 90% of the time.  But that other 10% …well, I still have some work to do. 

You see, my EX is getting re-married.  Marrying the woman he cheated on me with (or one of the women, who knows).  This in and of itself doesn’t bother me, what is bothering me, and gets my blood boiling, is the years of my life he wasted.

For years my Ex was somewhere else…. check-out, missing, out of touch, disconnected. I asked him, over and over again, about  about his happiness, our relationship, his distance.  In fairness, we had a lot going on, it was not easy.  I struggled, he struggled…..  We struggled independently, never together.  Our struggles did not bring us closer.  I wanted them to, I asked and asked what I could do… I always got nothing – he said he was “fine”.

BUT he wasn’t fine.  He was living a double life – obviously very unhappy in his “public” life, but he never said anything.  I think this is what ultimately still gets be all worked up (the feelings I’ve not dealt well with) is the frustration/anger over the EX’s dishonesty.  The EX could have left in 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007..  I was begging him for communication, honesty and truth. I Gave him an out every time… I just wanted him to be happy, even if that meant NOT with me.   But he bold face lied to me  – said he was “fine”.   My nievate, his words, or a combination of both, made me believe that we could make it.  Knowing what I know now, makes me realize what a dumb ass I was.   And I HATE feeling like I’ve been played.

Its not my nievate that bugs me (it will soon enough though), its his dishonesty and the time I wasted because of it.   Had he just been honest with me, I could be in an entirely different place.  Had he said what he really felt (or at the very least talked about what he was doing), we could have seperated/divorced in 2005 (which is when I think he “disconnected”) and  I would be in an entirely different place. My life could have involved a new family, a loving husband, etc…. Now, at 40, I realize, I will be a great step-mom…   Three years is not a big deal on the larger scheme of things, but 3 years at 35-36 is a very big deal.

Yes, I hear you, another pitty party for Paula…  but honestly, its really hard NOT to think about how different my life could be right now had the EX  had an ounce of integrity and had just been honest.

Now, I am aware that I chose to stay in a less-than-ideal relationship, but I did it for the right reasons – I was in love.  I really thought/believed/felt that we could make it.  Had I known what I know today, I would have made very different decisions. And this is what frustrates me.  I wasn’t given the option to make the decisions that were best for me.

The good news is is that I believe this to be the last hurdle.  I do think that after I resolve my feelings about this I will be ready to get back out there.

Sometimes it just take a while to rebound, and my journey has been long and hard – 2008-2010 where the years of recovery and discovery.   2008 and 2009 are a bit hazy, 2010 has been a year of learning and getting myself back to the same place I was 10 years ago. You could say I’ve gone full circle, I’ve landed in the same “space” (obviously much older, wiser, and more mature) that I was 10 years ago –  I’m once again the “single, unmarried woman”, purchasing a house in an “up and coming” neighborhood…  

But 2011, 2011 will be my year, another Year of the Paula.  … . New home, healthy cats, a “daugther” with a degree, and now room in my heart and life for a new and loving partner.  2011 will be my year.   Watch out Paula fans!!

New Horizons.

So, today is the last day of my vacation. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m on my way home, begin work on Monday, and fall back into the basic routine of my everyday life.

But today is one of the most memorable for me.  I just completed a vacation where I got uninterrupted time with both my mother and my neice. 

I spent 3 days, 2 nights with my mother, who told me stories about she and my father, about their parents, and their grandparents.  It was fascinating to learn more about my parents NOT as parents, but as people; as children, teenagers, and young folks; to hear about their lives, growing up, and the history that has influenced who I am.  I will share some of these stories as I process them.

I also  spent 3  nights, 3 days with my niece, who I feel as close to as a daughter (I imagine).  We talked about anything and everything; her children (3 and 1, the darlingist little ladies in the world!!), our family, our relationship, our past, her future….   I am so incredibly proud of her.   You see, I had custody of her years ago, during her teenage years.  Unfortunately for all of us, we needed to place her in a girls school for  a year.  We chose a school in Hurricane, UT because of its program to counsel vs. punish…  Today, 5 years later, my neice and I went to the school, drove thu Hurricane, and relived that difficult time.   The experience feels both like it happened yesterday AND forever ago.

The reason that today was so special for me is because of how much my niece has matured and what a great person she has become.  I knew this day would come, I had confidence in her, I believed in her… and today, her plans for herself and her girls, proved to me that the difficult experience we had was all worth it.   Its hard to believe that the 2 year old I fell head over heals in love with is now 21, a mother of 2 very happy and healthy girls, and a  college student.  She amazes me.

I have a few pictures of us, with town of Hurricane, UT behind us (so fitting).  What I’ve shared here is a view of Hurricane without us as to not blow my cover.  BTW, the pictures of us turned out fabulously – we are absolutely gorgeous!!  🙂

New Job.

So, some big news to report.   I resigned from my current job.  I have accepted a new job, same position, with another company.

I have been unhappy with my company and my role for over a year now.  I don’t take switching jobs lightly (I do have a lot of responsibilities, including  two cats to provide for, rent, mortgage, etc.. !!), but something had to be done.   I did speak to my manager several times about my dissatisfaction and have offered up multiple solutions.  Nothing was done on their side, so it felt like it was time for me to move on.

I view my relationship with a company a lot like my personal relationships – All I can do is communicate my feelings/needs, be communicative, and open to options.  If the other person/company doesn’t respond, then they aren’t interested in growing together…  And I’m not interested in spending one moment in an “unhappy” state with anyone, including an employer.

So there you have it.  Captain of my ship and I’m steering my boat in a different direction.

My firsts day is April 19th and I’m excited about it.  Its feels good to be excited, to be  starting over and doing something new.!!

New Years Stats – Week 1.

So far, so good.  I’m doing what I set out to do this year.

Healthwise, I’ve exercised almost every day, which was a habit already, but nice to continue into the new year.  I’ve also been very successful at creating a new bedtime routine – tea instead of a cocktail.  May seem like an easy thing for most folks, but something I’ve struggled with, and so far have been successful in creating a new habit. 

What makes it challenging is the sobriety…  it’s easy to fall asleep while ‘buzzed’… calms the mind.  When buzzed, I don’t have to think about life, future, etc.. I don’t have to be in my own head, with myself.   My New Year’s Resolution requires me to be sober and conscious when I fall asleep.  Much more of a challenge than merely ‘not having the final-final’.

So far so good.  Tea has done me well.   I am tired, exhausted really.  Even with Ambien, I’m not sleeping thru the night.   But its time.. time to get on the meditation track, figure my ‘stuff’ out, and “get ‘er done”. 

On my Beach Body NYR, I joined Weight Watchers with a friend, looking to lose the 10 lbs and get my Beach Body back.  Traveling has made it challenging… but really, IMO, its just an excuse.  I’m great with eating right, I just drink to much and dont exercise when on the road.  I’ll figure this out in time… 

Not Buying It.. not a problem. I’m not a big spender in general.

End of the Sparkley.

So, today, I finally did it – I sold my engagement ring.  Its been on the back of my mind for months (honestly more like a year and a half now, ever since the seperation… “what the hell do with this thing now?”).

Today, I went to a jewelry store and just sold it.  I felt a huge sigh of relief.  More than I expected to feel.  Honestly, I’m so relieved to be done with this part of my life.  Selling the ring seemed more important since I’ve changed my name.  I really just want to be done with the past, with the part of my life that was unhappy; unfullfilled…  Now, single with two cats, i’m so much more content and happy with my life.  I never thought I would be single at 38 ….   single with two cats none-the-less…  but I am happy, how lucky am I to be 38 and truly happy?!?!?

Anyway, the fancy pants diamond ring is gone…. and honestly, I couldn’t be happier.  Materials things cannot and do not make me happy…  I’d be happy with a rented trailer by the sea, or better yet, a lavendar farm in northern/central California!!

Good-bye sparkely diamond, I will not miss you.

It’s Final.

My divorce is final.  I dont have the paperwork as of yet, but I’m told all is “done”.  This is all fine and dandy, but the real interesting news (for me anyway), is that my now ex has moved on, and pretty quickly I might add.  He found someone, has actually packed up his things and MOVED to Miami.. and is having a baby girl in August OF THIS YEAR (for those non-math wizards, that means she was prego in Nov/Dec of 2008.), which interestingly enough, coinside with his official request for a divorce.

I remember thinking how strange it was that the ex had actually taken action to start divorce precedings in November 2008 (which I blogged about: Ever Forward.).  This man could NOT make a decision to do the simplest of things in the last 3 years of our marriage (such as which night, during the week (any day, pick a day) to have dinner with his wife).   BUT, he seemed so proactive to seperate (after the condom incident of course), and was agressive about filing for the divorce.   I didn’t get it then, but now I get it (an a-ha moment about a year later).  

He found someone.  Someone that he knew during our marriage.  This someone was most likely the woman he was sleeping wtih during our marriage (wonder why he chose NOT to use the condom anymore??).  We werent sleeping together, which was a major issue in our marriage – I wanted to, he couldn’t find the time.  Our Counselor so eloquently asked him at almost every sesssion, “if you aren’t fucking your wife, who are you fucking?” .  But, you have to hand it to him – he did find someone that got him off is ass to actually do something – to move across the country AND have a baby with.  Good for him (sort of ….). 

I’m not really happy for him yet… it will come in time.  I do want him to be happy, but I would have preferred that he be honest with me AND himself during our marriage.  At the very least, why in the world would he commit to 8+ months of counseling if he had zero intention of being in and truly engaging in the marriage?  Right now, I am just flabbergasted that he would, literally, choose to do what “looked good” vs. what made him happy. 

By “looked good” I mean that he did what he thought was the right thing by society, his family, colleages, etc, but certainly not by either one of us.   He walked away from our marriage, saying he “tried”, he did “everything”, and I was the one that “wasn’t commited” …  What a load of crap.  I see it so clearly now, and makes me realize how lucky I am that I grew strong and did not settle for less than what I needed.  Shit, we could still be married AND he could be having this baby with a co-worker. God, how awful would that be???

My only lesson learned here is to not hold on to hope so long….   Had I listened to the Ex’s actions (or inaction) we would have seperated years before we  finally did….  but instead, I chose to listen to his words… but I see clearly now, someone will show up when they want to, that their actions will showcase their priorities, passions, and desires.  Words are hollow, meaningless IF they are not backed up with action. I get it now.

This new news threw me for a loop none-the-less.  It’s just like Sally in the movie “When Harry Met Sally” when Sally is upset that her ex-boyfriend is marrying someone else.  Its not that because she wants him, its just that it wasn’t her.  Why not her is Sally’s question, her dilemma.  Its hard to face facts, that no matter how much you love someone, you just aren’t the one, it just isn’t right.. and it won’t ever be right – married or not.  On the mature,  rational side, I’m happy that he has found someone to inspire him…. someone he loves or desires to be with enough to actualy do something/take action, to think beyond himself.  On the emotional side, it’s extremely frustrating that he was just plain lazy, I would even go so far to say cowardly, for not being honest with me or himself, and facing his(our) truth.   Grrrr.

In summary, I am grateful that I figured my shit out, because in the cold, harsh, reality of life, we could still be married, numb, and unhappy.  We would both be having affairs (you can only go so long without sex and intimacy),  he would be wishing I would just leave him alone, and I would be wondering why he doesn’t love me (is it my weight, lifestyle, etc), and what else I could do to get him to see my value, my worth.  I was angry at the end of 2006, he blamed me for our troubles… I waited patiently for him to do  something…  step up, say something, pay attention, get involved….  nothing happened.  I gave up waiting in early 2008 …  given his activity, he gave up years before that…   Its too bad he couldn’t have been honest, me more brave….  It would be nice to have those years back, what I could do with an extra couple of years (ohhh the countries I would visit…)…

The divorce is final and now the real fun begins…