moving on

Better than Yesterday.

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today_is_better_than_yesterday_by_nvmsodi-d423tugToday was another day.  A day that was better than yesterday. It is also a day that I did not go into work – I called in sick.  Even though I called in sick I still have work to do – I worked a few hours and have a bit more to do tonight, but I didn’t have the energy to get myself ready or see other people.  But that isn’t what this post is about, this post is about today – another day, which was better than yesterday.  Not to say it was all good, it was just better than yesterday.

So I’ve only almost cried 6 times today.  Not fully cried, just almost cried – you know, tears well up and you swallow them or force them to go away.  I did also see ATrain – we had lunch.  We went to our favorite place.  We had a good time – it was so good to see him.  He looks good, as always.  We didn’t talk about anything important. I think we are both in a too-sensitive place right now (or at least I am).  We did talk about:

  • his plans this week – Monday/tonight he is visiting his son, Tuesday he has an event, he is busy busy all week..
  • his project ending (March 3rd) and the celebrating he will do …
  • his new yacht trip (he just got back and has another one planned – it’s part of his 10 days a month on vacation goal and its part of the celebration, see point #1)
  • his pending trip to France for the Tour de France

As much as I wanted to know about his weekend, what he did/who he was with, tell him how much I missed him, I did not.   I really do not want to know where he was or who he was with.  So the part of “being friends” where you share everything and anything, well, I’m not there yet.

So what did I do today while I wasn’t working?  Thinking. Here is what I decided today:

  • Time to make my place a home. Even though I don’t have the money, I’m going to splurge on a new rug, a new duvet, a new vacuum, and a new TV (mine is 25″, I want a 40″ AND one manufactured in the last 10 years).  My goal this year was to not buy anything so that I could pay off my CC debt… which I can do by the end of the year IF I don’t spend.  But I’m going to be in the space I’m in for another year, so I may as well make it everything I want it to be.
  • See a counselor.  My work healthcare offers me the opportunity to see someone up to 8 times at no cost.  There is so much I need to learn about myself, why not just do it?
  • Get physically active.  I need to get moving if I’m going to lose weight.  I signed up for a 6 week fat blast class.  My interview for the class is this Wednesday. Yes, interview. They don’t take just anyone because they want to take pictures and use it as promotional materials.  Cross your fingers for me that I get in. If not, I’ll figure something else out.
  • Get my carpets cleaned.  Not like that you dirty minded folks! 😉 I actually have a few area rugs that need to be cleaned and stored safely.  Part of me wants to get rid of them, but I’m just not ready to part with them. So I will get them cleaned and stored properly. So when I do move into a house they fit into I can make the decision then.

While I was working on not feeling sorry for myself, I thought of a few ideas that are fun, that I’d like to make happen, but are long shots:

  • Finally start that Cat Channel on YouTube.  The one where I record Sophie and Zoey, my two crazy furry babies, edit the film, and post their antics online. Who doesn’t want another cat channel??
  • Start Sewing again. A year ago I bought a sewing machine and some fabric to make my own pillows.  Project hasn’t started yet.. what am I waiting for right??  By “again”, I mean the last time I was in front of a sewing machine was in college, which was over 20 years ago!
  • Begin my modge-podge crafts. Yes, a year ago I bought modge-podge and had all these crafts I wanted to create.. I’ve got so many ideas, so many “things” socked away in storage that I want to create.  So many modge-podge ideas, so little time!  Once I get myself put back together, I may be blogging about DIY crafts. I know, you can’t wait can you?!?!  😉
  • Create more lists.  I am unable to keep track of myself unless I put a list together, so why not post the lists publicly so I can know where they are?!?  I know, a fabulous idea.  I’ve started with a new page called My Favorites.  I’ll continue to update it as I remember, see, or do things..
  • Paleo. I’m loving my paleo lifestyle and I plan to keep track of it here on this blog.  All my Paleo favorites are listed on my new Paleo References page.
  • Drink more wine.  Just kidding, it is not possible!! ha ha, gotcha. 🙂

I think that is it.  There are two more things I want to share but I feel they deserve a log of their own..

Where is My Mr. Big?

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happy-coupleI miss him.  I know I’ve done a lot these last few years, and maybe I have been hard to track down given all my moves, but a day doesn’t go by where I wonder where My Mr. Big is and how he is doing.  Is he happy?  Does he wonder where I am? Does he wish things had ended differently? Does he wonder if I still think about him?  For me, what we shared was the most simple and honest of all my relationships.  I understood and liked his quirks. I thought he felt the same.  If we had questions or were confused, we confronted them.  There were no elephants in our closet (like there had been in my marriage)…

Given the way he disappeared, I don’t expect to ever see him again (bummer for me as he was a good-looking man, and laying my eyes on that piece of man candy would be awesome!).  I would love to see him, if only briefly, to get a better understanding  of what he was going through, what was going on in his head when he decided to move on.  What was on the other end that was worth giving up what we shared?  I’m not  judging, I just would just like to know.  I’ve got all sorts of ideas in my head, it would be nice to put the ideas to rest and know the truth, no matter what it is.

I think of “us” now, especially as I move onto yet another phase in my life. I wonder what it would be like to have him by my side. If he would support it, steer me in a different direction…  I respected him, his experience, and his advice.  And to some degree, wonder what it would be like to have him by my side.

If anything, I don’t understand why people who loved each other so much can’t stay in contact, be friends, be supporters, be the cheerleaders we all need in our lives.  I’m not a jealous person, so I don’t get how people can choose to drop out of someone’s life … if you loved someone at one time, don’t you still love/admire those qualities about that person?

Anyway, this is a short post about missing someone who is special to me.  He taught me about love, passion, and happiness, and that all of it IS possible with a partner (vs. on your own). I know how to get there on my own, but the cats meow is when you can get all of the above WITH a partner.  Thank you Mr. Big. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, smiling, and at peace with yourself.   xoxo.

Done, Gone and Fixed It!

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O.k.. building on the last, more introspective post about being Too Independent, I think I’ve gone ahead and NOT helped myself….  I’ve gone done and fixed another thing!  Certainly doesn’t help my “helpless” image…

I purchased some window shades and spent my Saturday night installing them.  God, I spent money I don’t have, which is so unlike me, but after watching the cellular shade market for 5 months, I felt like I got the best deal out there.  I purchased the same window treatments for all my rooms which is just fine for now.  If/when I get to the point to being stylish in any room, I can repaint/re-treat the windows at that time.  I purchases 10 window treatments for $850….  no taxes no shipping.  Steal IMO. 

Anyway, I’ve attached pictures of a before and after and the tools required…..  I installed 4 of the 1o treatments tonight.  The others I will have to install next weekend when I return from Boston.   But don’t they look fabulous!?!   So easy breezy, a cat could do it… although the cats did just watch……  sorta like an ex-wife (without the complaining)…  Ouch.  🙂

Dear Paula Letter.

PaulasPonderings6 Comments

I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Someone To Count On.

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The move is over.  All items have been moved into my new home.  I now have the task of unpacking all my boxes, finding places for the things I have.    I moved from 1900 sq ft to 1200 sq ft so as I unpack, I will be selling stuff.  I do not plan on putting anything on storage – if I don’t use it, out it goes – I don’t need it.

The reason I write today is because of what is on my mind.  I have been very stressed out about my financial situation (no more cash cushion), the move, and my job.  Yes, when it rains, it pours.  I think there is a new strategy at play at work, and I will not be a part of this new strategy…  this news has come at a very bad time for me given my jump back into real estate.

This is the time that I would really love to have someone in my life that I could count on, that I could lean on.   Life is not easy – it often throws us curve-balls, I get it, but its at these times that it would be nice to have someone in my corner.  I am scared, I am stressed, I have a ton of anxiety….  I would love to be able to turn to a partner, my partner, and have them just give me a hug and say, “it will be o.k., we’ll get thru it together”.  I’d like to say I’ve had this in my life, but I haven’t.  I’ve had boyfriends that have comforted me, give me the support I needed, but alas it was not permanent.  My EX, did not know how to be supportive (compassionate, empathetice, etc..), but I thought that would change with marriage… FYI, it did NOT. 

Anyway, I think it takes a lot of work to have a relationship where someone truly has your back and you theirs.  That you can trust and they trust you – with your lives.   I have friends who have relationships like this, and its so nice to see its possible. 

My friends have been very supportive…  My peeps definitely take care of me, support me when I’m down, out, or otherwise dis-enchanted.  I’m lucky to have them in my life.

New Home is Coming Along.

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Home Sweet Home

I stopped by the new house today. Check out the progress.  The electrical work was signed off by the city, the insulation and wallboard goes in. By Friday, the house will seem like a house (instead of a disaster area).   I’ve been taking pictures along the way, so I’ll post some of the good before and after’s on the site.

I am 8 weeks into construction, and I have another 4 weeks to go.  I will be moving in early November.  Its crazy to think how this stroke of good luck came to me….

Anyway, I’ve attached a picture of the front of the house as it looks today.   The reason I decided to post the picture is because much wont change from what you see except the color.  To stay on budget, there are a few things that I just cant afford to do right now: 

  • fixing the delapidated/leaning front porch
  • add the new back deck
  • replace the yard/lawn area in the front as well as on the sides

All in all, these are items that are very nice to haves, but not must-haves.  Must haves are a kitchen, laundry room, bathrooms, etc..   As long as I can live in it comfortably, the rest will just have to wait.

Moved On… Mostly.

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So, I feel that I’ve mostly moved on (from the divorce).  I thought I had completely recoverd until recently. 

Most of the time when I think about th EX and his behaviors,  I just shrug and say “oh well,  his deal, not mine” and just move on.   I do this 90% of the time.  But that other 10% …well, I still have some work to do. 

You see, my EX is getting re-married.  Marrying the woman he cheated on me with (or one of the women, who knows).  This in and of itself doesn’t bother me, what is bothering me, and gets my blood boiling, is the years of my life he wasted.

For years my Ex was somewhere else…. check-out, missing, out of touch, disconnected. I asked him, over and over again, about  about his happiness, our relationship, his distance.  In fairness, we had a lot going on, it was not easy.  I struggled, he struggled…..  We struggled independently, never together.  Our struggles did not bring us closer.  I wanted them to, I asked and asked what I could do… I always got nothing – he said he was “fine”.

BUT he wasn’t fine.  He was living a double life – obviously very unhappy in his “public” life, but he never said anything.  I think this is what ultimately still gets be all worked up (the feelings I’ve not dealt well with) is the frustration/anger over the EX’s dishonesty.  The EX could have left in 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007..  I was begging him for communication, honesty and truth. I Gave him an out every time… I just wanted him to be happy, even if that meant NOT with me.   But he bold face lied to me  – said he was “fine”.   My nievate, his words, or a combination of both, made me believe that we could make it.  Knowing what I know now, makes me realize what a dumb ass I was.   And I HATE feeling like I’ve been played.

Its not my nievate that bugs me (it will soon enough though), its his dishonesty and the time I wasted because of it.   Had he just been honest with me, I could be in an entirely different place.  Had he said what he really felt (or at the very least talked about what he was doing), we could have seperated/divorced in 2005 (which is when I think he “disconnected”) and  I would be in an entirely different place. My life could have involved a new family, a loving husband, etc…. Now, at 40, I realize, I will be a great step-mom…   Three years is not a big deal on the larger scheme of things, but 3 years at 35-36 is a very big deal.

Yes, I hear you, another pitty party for Paula…  but honestly, its really hard NOT to think about how different my life could be right now had the EX  had an ounce of integrity and had just been honest.

Now, I am aware that I chose to stay in a less-than-ideal relationship, but I did it for the right reasons – I was in love.  I really thought/believed/felt that we could make it.  Had I known what I know today, I would have made very different decisions. And this is what frustrates me.  I wasn’t given the option to make the decisions that were best for me.

The good news is is that I believe this to be the last hurdle.  I do think that after I resolve my feelings about this I will be ready to get back out there.

Sometimes it just take a while to rebound, and my journey has been long and hard – 2008-2010 where the years of recovery and discovery.   2008 and 2009 are a bit hazy, 2010 has been a year of learning and getting myself back to the same place I was 10 years ago. You could say I’ve gone full circle, I’ve landed in the same “space” (obviously much older, wiser, and more mature) that I was 10 years ago –  I’m once again the “single, unmarried woman”, purchasing a house in an “up and coming” neighborhood…  

But 2011, 2011 will be my year, another Year of the Paula.  … . New home, healthy cats, a “daugther” with a degree, and now room in my heart and life for a new and loving partner.  2011 will be my year.   Watch out Paula fans!!

New Horizons.

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So, today is the last day of my vacation. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m on my way home, begin work on Monday, and fall back into the basic routine of my everyday life.

But today is one of the most memorable for me.  I just completed a vacation where I got uninterrupted time with both my mother and my neice. 

I spent 3 days, 2 nights with my mother, who told me stories about she and my father, about their parents, and their grandparents.  It was fascinating to learn more about my parents NOT as parents, but as people; as children, teenagers, and young folks; to hear about their lives, growing up, and the history that has influenced who I am.  I will share some of these stories as I process them.

I also  spent 3  nights, 3 days with my niece, who I feel as close to as a daughter (I imagine).  We talked about anything and everything; her children (3 and 1, the darlingist little ladies in the world!!), our family, our relationship, our past, her future….   I am so incredibly proud of her.   You see, I had custody of her years ago, during her teenage years.  Unfortunately for all of us, we needed to place her in a girls school for  a year.  We chose a school in Hurricane, UT because of its program to counsel vs. punish…  Today, 5 years later, my neice and I went to the school, drove thu Hurricane, and relived that difficult time.   The experience feels both like it happened yesterday AND forever ago.

The reason that today was so special for me is because of how much my niece has matured and what a great person she has become.  I knew this day would come, I had confidence in her, I believed in her… and today, her plans for herself and her girls, proved to me that the difficult experience we had was all worth it.   Its hard to believe that the 2 year old I fell head over heals in love with is now 21, a mother of 2 very happy and healthy girls, and a  college student.  She amazes me.

I have a few pictures of us, with town of Hurricane, UT behind us (so fitting).  What I’ve shared here is a view of Hurricane without us as to not blow my cover.  BTW, the pictures of us turned out fabulously – we are absolutely gorgeous!!  🙂

New Job.

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So, some big news to report.   I resigned from my current job.  I have accepted a new job, same position, with another company.

I have been unhappy with my company and my role for over a year now.  I don’t take switching jobs lightly (I do have a lot of responsibilities, including  two cats to provide for, rent, mortgage, etc.. !!), but something had to be done.   I did speak to my manager several times about my dissatisfaction and have offered up multiple solutions.  Nothing was done on their side, so it felt like it was time for me to move on.

I view my relationship with a company a lot like my personal relationships – All I can do is communicate my feelings/needs, be communicative, and open to options.  If the other person/company doesn’t respond, then they aren’t interested in growing together…  And I’m not interested in spending one moment in an “unhappy” state with anyone, including an employer.

So there you have it.  Captain of my ship and I’m steering my boat in a different direction.

My firsts day is April 19th and I’m excited about it.  Its feels good to be excited, to be  starting over and doing something new.!!

New Years Stats – Week 1.

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So far, so good.  I’m doing what I set out to do this year.

Healthwise, I’ve exercised almost every day, which was a habit already, but nice to continue into the new year.  I’ve also been very successful at creating a new bedtime routine – tea instead of a cocktail.  May seem like an easy thing for most folks, but something I’ve struggled with, and so far have been successful in creating a new habit. 

What makes it challenging is the sobriety…  it’s easy to fall asleep while ‘buzzed’… calms the mind.  When buzzed, I don’t have to think about life, future, etc.. I don’t have to be in my own head, with myself.   My New Year’s Resolution requires me to be sober and conscious when I fall asleep.  Much more of a challenge than merely ‘not having the final-final’.

So far so good.  Tea has done me well.   I am tired, exhausted really.  Even with Ambien, I’m not sleeping thru the night.   But its time.. time to get on the meditation track, figure my ‘stuff’ out, and “get ‘er done”. 

On my Beach Body NYR, I joined Weight Watchers with a friend, looking to lose the 10 lbs and get my Beach Body back.  Traveling has made it challenging… but really, IMO, its just an excuse.  I’m great with eating right, I just drink to much and dont exercise when on the road.  I’ll figure this out in time… 

Not Buying It.. not a problem. I’m not a big spender in general.