life

Happy Birthday to Me!

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Yes, that’s right, I was born 40 years ago, on Mothers Day.  I know, what a tragedy blessing for my parents.  Oh, and I think I’ve forgotten to mention that I’m a twin – so my mom and dad had TWO of me at the same time. 

I have been celebrating my birthday for the last two weeks.. out almost every single night with a friend or two.  I am SO LUCKY to have such love and friendship in my life.  I know, I don’t have the “trappings” of a successful 40-year-old – I don’t have a man, I don’t have kids.  But I’m so happy!  I don’t think I’ve ever been so consciously happy.  So I’m 40 .. look at me – happy, healthy, and with a tremendous amount of love in my life.

Here’s a quick list (umm hmm, surprise, a list!) of my celebratory activities:

  • I went dancing last weekend in SF with a few of my best girlfriends – Love In The City Weekend
  •  spent the week catching up with really good friends, even had  a ‘pool party’ with one of ’em!
  • this Friday night I went out with my local crew and had another impromptu dance party.   Trapeze is my all time favorite restaurant and they treated us like royalty.  Then a few of us headed over to the Vinyl Room, a local bar/dance place, and danced the night away until others started arriving…  We are always up for starting a dance party (we love an open dance floor)..
  • Last night I had dinner with my fist best girlfriend – Bitter Betty (my name is/was Pissy Patty)… more about our friendship below…

Bitter and I were inseparable…  we did everything together.  Our friendship waned when I lost all confidence in myself and became a recluse (yes, much like what happened a few years ago)…  We talked about this last night.  What I love about Bitter is that we haven’t skipped a beat – its like we’ve never been apart.  I love this woman – she is amazing, smart, absolutely stunning, and the nicest person I’ve ever met.  When I was feeling ugly towards other people, I used to think to myself, “what would Bitter do?” … Bitter would always smile and just move away from the bad energy.  O.k.. so yes,  I love this woman!  So glad we have reconnected after all these years, and that she is still her same, sweet fabulous self!  Go Bitter!

O.k.. as you can see I’m living life to the fullest … I am finally 40 (been waiting years for this moment)…   as a friend said to me this morning, “Glad you finally grew up and have joined us at the adult table”…    That’s right, today, I’m officially a grown up!!

3 H’s – Head, Heart, and Heat – aka Chemistry.

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One more thing.  Even though I’ve been working a lot, my mind has been spinning.  The people who know me would recognize this as the “Paula Jukebox”.

 I’ve been thinking about what BF Unicorn and I talked about this weekend.    The hardest part, for us, and certainly for me, is realizing that the person you have married/loved/dated doesn’t recognize the rarity of the connection.  The rarity of finding someone that you feel the “3 H’s” for AND that you think that they feel the same way about you.  But in the end, they linger on in your mind, because it is mind-boggling that they don’t feel the same way (or aren’t willing to admit it).  Harsh.

So, what are the 3 H’s?  You all know them…  

  •  head,
  • heart, and
  • heat. 

The magic is when these 3 things align FOR BOTH PARTIES involved…..  when you are connected at a intellectual level, when there is a synergy that is unexplainable, and there is a passion, an attraction for each other that cannot be satiated….  I call this magical.   And which is why its so hard to let go of someone that you feel this way about/with…… or the possibility/potential for this.  It is really hard to understand why anyone would turn this down.  Obviously the answer is that the other person doesn’t feel the 3 H’s for you…

On my side,  I’ve only experienced this 2x in my life…  (1) My EX, who I can’t remember much about these days except for the last 2 years of our marriage, which where horrible.    (2)  The second and most genuine, honest relationship was with the first man I dated after my divorce… My Mr. Big.  The man I still carry a torch for, who sets the bar high for everyone else.  And the (3) 3rd time was not the actuall experience of it, but the potential of experiencing it again, was with Dear Paula Letter writer.  Experiencing the 3H’s is so rare, its still shocking to me that when you find it, feel it,  man or woman, that you dont just let go of whatever is going on and experience it, soak it all in, every bit of it.  No matter how long it lasts…   

I think that I’m the kind of person that can’t, won’t settle down unless I have “it all”….  all the H’s.  And which is why it takes me foooorrrevverrr to a) find someone, and b) get over someone (thus the creation and blathering on in this blog).   I don’t think I get over these relationships, but more just get passed them, move on, and prepare myself for a new and different (and smarter) experience. 

O.k.. enough thinking for tonight.  I really need to go to bed – I have to get up at 6am to catch my flight (and I’m not an early bird).  Good night.

It’s Time for Hula Hooping!

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As you know, I’ve been thinking about hooping since last year, when I found the perfect gift for a 6 year old (Original Post – Hooping Queen) . We had so much fun with her hula hoop…   so I did it.     I purchased myself an adult Hula Hoop and an instructional and workout video.  They arrived last week, and I tried it last night – SO MUCH FUN!!!  It just makes me smile ear to ear and laugh hysterically at myself… I feel so good doing it, even though I can see how bad I look in the mirror…   it just doesn’t matter, its SO MUCH FUN!

I’m going to set up the garage this weekend to be a mini work-out studio… and get to hooping!  My middle looks great thanks to my weight loss and my continued practice of Yoga and Pilates. I  no longer look like a barrel, and now more like a svelte woman…   and its only going to get better with the hula hoop.

I am SO EXCITED about my hula hoop – and cannot wait to get my Hoop groove on!!   I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get to a tropical location to show off my hooping body, but I will be ready when it happens!! 

I’m almost shaking with excitement… if it wasn’t already dark out, I’d go set the mini gym up tonight!  🙂  Instead I’m parusing hoop videos on YouTube – gotta love this one – Sexy Hula Hooping and this one – Hula Hooping with Mia.  Wow.  Sold.   😉

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

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I’ve always struggled with this statement… is it true that the absence of someone makes you want them, pine for them more?  Or is it the other way, “Out Of Sight, Out of Mind”? 

I have to say, for me, I miss, with all my being, the folks I want to hear from.  I think about them, wonder about them, wish them, mentally will them, to reach out to me.  It sometimes hurts to think about them, want them to have them think about me, but not hear from them….  I have just realized this week that I think too much about it.  I’m sure my best, sure bet is to just let it all go and assume “out of sight, out of mind”.

So, does thinking about this, thinking about wanting to hear from people, men that I’m interested in, make me needy?  I’m starting to think so.   Maybe I’m less independent than I thought…   I question myself ONLY because I sway in this thought with men.. and dating.  Why?  Because I know, that even if I dont speak to my girlfriends for a day, a few days, a week, or weeks, I know in my heart of hearts that I will see them again, that they love me, I love them, and all is well.   Its just not the same with men.Men, or at least the men I’ve connected with lately (or not …. ha!!!) , just haven’t established a pattern of consistency.  Just doesn’t seem the way “they” work.  I do feel it has more to do with “them”…  that its not so much the fear of commitment, but more so the fear of committing to the unknown….   Not wanting to give the wrong impression about their intentions.   Or, thats the story I’m telling myself tonight.

I realize I’m thinking much more about this than “they” are.  My head tells me to let it go, its exactly the way that it is, and that I should take it at face value, “out of sight out of mind”.  I guess, now that ‘m traveling more, I want to make the most of my time home, so I want to “schedule” in time to see the people that I care most about.   That’s just my Type A personality.  But as much as I want that, I think that what I need to do is just relax and go with the flow (isn’t that what dating, and/or life in general is all about?)…..    I do think that if a man wanted to see me, he would call me and make a plan to see me.  Certainly, there are gents out there that ARE calling, that ARE making the effort…   it just so happens that the these are not so much the guys I want to hear from….  😉

Lordy, one of these days, there will be recipricocity….  the man/men I want to be with will actually be the man/men that want to be with me.  Won’t that be something to celebrate?    I’ll let you know when that happens.

Dear Paula Letter.

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I received my Dear Paula letter today.  The thanks-but-no-thanks email that lets you know that whatever you shared with someone is no longer.   They wish you the best in your endeavors…but prefer to go it alone.

My heart is broken.  Its my fault, I dove in head first.  Those of you who know me know I do not love lightly.  I’m in or out.   I’ve let myself love very few people in this world…  have let only a few men “into the circle”.  I do live life fully and passionately, and when friends leave the circle, my heart hurts.  I’ve tried to protect myself from this pain, but when I don’t let people in, I don’t feel anything… I’m numb.  That’s no good.  So I let people in and I get to feel both the highs and lows of their travel into and out of the circle and my life.    So as much as I prepare for a moment like this, it doesn’t work and strikes me at the core of my being every single time.

I dont’ know why, but I thought this relationship was different.  Like it could go somewhere.  It clicked for me, felt good, felt natural.  It was easy even though there were a lot of things going on.. I  felt we wanted the same things:  zero drama, enjoyed being in the moment, and laughed a lot.   Friends with potential is how I saw it… I don’t think I’m off base, but had more to do with bad timing. I thought we could overcome this with honesty, patience, communiation …. but it wasn’t meant to happen/be.

In general, I’ve had a rough couple of months. I found and started a new job which has required/will require a lot of work travel.   But in addition to the new job and travel, I’ve had rental property mishaps and heavy family stuff to deal with…..   I felt understood… connected….. we both had busy lives, a lot going on, but were able to find moments to enjoy each other and the simple things in life.

God I’d love a safe place to fall….  or just a bit of understanding, compassion, and comfort.  Life is not easy, and it would be nice to know that someone is in my corner.  Someday it will happen.

So, tonight, I will curl up in a ball, in a hotel room somewhere in Boston, trying to keep myself warm, and take a few moments to have a pity party.  I don’t really have time to wallow, I’ve got to get myself up tomorrow, be the star in my training group, lunch with my VP,and educate myself on what it takes to sell the hell out of the software I now sell.

I’m going to watch one more Family Guy and head to bed… crying.   I hope  my eyes are not be swollen tomorrow from the tears I shed tonight.  If they are, my VP is in for a real treat!!   Damn those puffy eyed west-coasters…  😉

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

NYR 2011

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Happy New Year everyone!!  Now is the time to make commitements to yourself, steer your life in the direction you want it to go.  I have many New Years resolutions this year….. some are follow-ups from last year, some are new ones.  I absolutely love the new year… new beginnings are so fun and refreshing.

So, 2011, what do I want to focus on?   What do I want to accomplish? Here’s the list.

  1. Financial Life.  I need to get my financial house in order.  Between purchasing a new house and gaining new employment, I really need to get this done. The goals are:
    • Debt. Remodeling the new house cost a lot more than I had agreed up and expected. It cost more money than I had.  I now owe a bunch of money to someone, and I have no way of repaying this debt right now.  I need to come up with a repayment plan and get this debt/loan paid off.  Really bothers me to owe someone money and is the main reason why this is goal # 1 for 2011.
    • Build a Trust/Will (rollover from 2010).  I do not have a ton of money, but I will be worth something when I die, so I want to make sure that my money goes to where I want it to go.  I do know that none of my accounts list the EX as a beneficiary, but now I want to be specific on where I want it to go…. to educating my nieces and nephews, animal rights organizations, etc.. I want to put all the proceeds from my 401(k), life insurance policies, work AD&D into the trust, then name the beneficiaries in one place. My friends have done this, I have the name of a good attorney, I just need to do it.  
    • Not Buying It.  Love this one, did well in2010, and I’m going to continue it.  I just do not need anything…   I’m going to make sure that if I spend money, that its important and I need it. And given that I have debt to pay off, this is a solid resolution to have.
  2. Weight Loss.  So, I lost 5 lbs and a dress size last year. My body shape has absolutely changed.. clothes that used to fit do not fit or fit strangely.  I do feel good about this, but I don’t feel as good as I thought I would.  I want feel better about myself, so there is more work to be done.  My goal is to lose 5 more pounds and another dress size.  It’s important that I shape up and gain muscle, lose fat.  I have plenty to work on:   I’d like to continue to focus on my stomach, my backside could use a reduction and some shaping, and my arms could use some toning.  So I’m going to do the same thing I did last year:  watch what I put in my mouth and try to exercise/do something every day. I love yoga and pilates, I’ve got a few good DVD’s that I can take on the road with me.  Its all about staying healthy and getting to a healthier state.  
  3. Professional Life. I had a bad year professionally in 2010.  The company I joined in 2010 was not a good fit for me for many reasons.  I worked very hard and did my best and it still just didn’t work out.  I’m happy that I found a new job so quickly and the new company I’m with feels like a much better fit.  What I want to do this year is grow – it seems like its been forever since I’ve learned something new.  My new company focuses on education and enabling their sales team for success, and I’m really looking forward to being a part of it.  A couple of things I’d like to focus on professionally this year:
    • Presentation Skills.  I’ve always wanted to be a sleek and smooth presenter. Most often I feel like I fumble thru a presentation.  I want get to the point where I feel comfortable, where I know that I’m delivering a bang-up presentation.  This will take a bit of reading and practice…I have a few books I’m going to read and I’m going to practice practice practice.  
    • Professional Style.  Since I’ve not been “out” at customer sites in a while, I feel out of touch with my business clothing.  I want to slim down my wardrobe and keep only the pieces that I feel most comfortable in.  I have a few great suits which I love and fit me well, but its the upscale business casual clothes that I need.  My first goal will be to weed out the pieces that don’t fit well, then identify the pieces that I need… I want to be selective and make sure that its a good piece that will last a long time. Yes, I’m aware that I have goals about not spending money, I think that its only a few pieces and good, solid pieces never go out of style and its worth the investment.
  4. Personal Life. There are a couple of things I want/need to do this year.
    • I want to have love in my life again.  I would like to find a partner is that available and ready for a healthy, happy relationship.  Relationships are not easy, they do take work, but I think with good communication, patience, trust, and understanding, you CAN actually have one that is  drama free and fun.  I’m going to leave myself open for love and see what happens.
    • Reconnect with a good friend.   There is one friend that I’ve known for many many years that I just stopped communicating with.  It wasn’t because anything happened, its largly because I was working so hard and trying to succeed at work.  Then when time passed I didn’t want to own up to all the time passing… .so I didn’t reach out.  But now, I think about it all the time, wondering what happened to this friend of mine.  She was an exceptional person and friend to me, and I just need to own up to being lazy and reach out.  I need to apologize and make an effort to bring the friendship back into my life. 
  5. Alcohol Intake. I cut back significantly on my drinking in 2010 and I’m going to do the same thing in 2011.  I credit this to my job that didn’t work out and not traveling.  I worked very hard in 2010, in a job I didn’t like, for a company that was “different”…  YOu would think this would cause me to drink more, but I was working so much that I didn’t have time for drinks.  In previous jobs, I traveled quite a bit, and did a lot of drinking when I was on the road (airports, airplanes, restaurants, hotel bars, etc)).  This year, I will not be drinking on airplanes.  It’s Jan. 14th, I’ve taken 3 flights (2 were 6+hours), and I have not had a drink….  Its taken great strength to NOT order a couple of drinks on the airplane so far, but I’ve done it.  I think it will get easier and easier as the year progresses.  A couple of exceptions to this:
    • Vacation.  If I’m on my way to or from a vacation, long weekend, etc..
    • Upgrade.  If I’m ever upgraded to business or first class where the drinks are free.. well, its free and I’m going to partake.
    • Free.  If I am offered a cocktail at no cost by a flight attendant or fellow passenger I’m taking them up on it. 


I’m going to be on the East Coast a lot this year – and I want to arrive in each location without a hangover…  Its hard enough to deal with the 3 hour time difference… if I need help sleeping, I’ll take a pill.

 

That’s it.  I know, a lot to focus on, but I’m ready… I feel solid this year, I’m in a good place, and now, its time to excelerate forward.  I’m looking forward to all the oportunities that present themself in 2011!

Cha Cha Cha Changes.

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My life is about to change in a big way…. both good and bad.  Most of the changes in our lives happen due to unexpected events….    There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, changes I can’t talk about, but changes that will alter the course of my life.  I’m scared.  I either make it or I don’t.   I have little to zero control over what has happened, but I am in control of what I do now…  how I react to the situation, how I move forward.  I’m taking it one day (maybe an hour??) at a time so anxiety doesn’t consume me.

In addition to these changes, I spend a lot of time at the end of the year reflecting on the year, my choices, life happenstance.  This year, I made a lot of choices that are irreversable, and now, things beyond my control have altered my lifestyle…  I’ve been thrown up in the air, my feet are facing the sky, my back is down, and I’m looking to turn it around before the new year begins…  we shall see.   I have no idea how I’m going to land, but I am making a plan to land on my feet.

Someone To Count On.

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The move is over.  All items have been moved into my new home.  I now have the task of unpacking all my boxes, finding places for the things I have.    I moved from 1900 sq ft to 1200 sq ft so as I unpack, I will be selling stuff.  I do not plan on putting anything on storage – if I don’t use it, out it goes – I don’t need it.

The reason I write today is because of what is on my mind.  I have been very stressed out about my financial situation (no more cash cushion), the move, and my job.  Yes, when it rains, it pours.  I think there is a new strategy at play at work, and I will not be a part of this new strategy…  this news has come at a very bad time for me given my jump back into real estate.

This is the time that I would really love to have someone in my life that I could count on, that I could lean on.   Life is not easy – it often throws us curve-balls, I get it, but its at these times that it would be nice to have someone in my corner.  I am scared, I am stressed, I have a ton of anxiety….  I would love to be able to turn to a partner, my partner, and have them just give me a hug and say, “it will be o.k., we’ll get thru it together”.  I’d like to say I’ve had this in my life, but I haven’t.  I’ve had boyfriends that have comforted me, give me the support I needed, but alas it was not permanent.  My EX, did not know how to be supportive (compassionate, empathetice, etc..), but I thought that would change with marriage… FYI, it did NOT. 

Anyway, I think it takes a lot of work to have a relationship where someone truly has your back and you theirs.  That you can trust and they trust you – with your lives.   I have friends who have relationships like this, and its so nice to see its possible. 

My friends have been very supportive…  My peeps definitely take care of me, support me when I’m down, out, or otherwise dis-enchanted.  I’m lucky to have them in my life.

Road Trip.

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I spent the weekend with family.  It was a busy but rewarding weekend.

The fabulous A’s came out, my niece and her daughter, and we drove a car to UT, the one she will  use to get herself to and from school.  Its a great beauty – an older truck that has been very well taken care of (thank you Dancing Queen) but has plenty of life left in her.  Her name – Ethel.  We loved Ethel, she is in the prime of her life.   I’ll post pictures of Ethel in a few days. 

We started our drive on Saturday morning, stopped off in Winemucca, NV (where “there is always something going on” according to the 100’s of billboards up to the Hills Have Eyes town) for a bite to eat, slept in Elko, NV, and finished our trip in Lehi, UT, which is where I’m now.  My flight from SLC to CA was cancelled this evening, I’m heading home to the cats tomorrow. 

I would normally be annoyed by the airlines not being able to get their act together, but not this time.  I feel relieved as now I am able to spend time with family.  My mom is taking caree of her a few of her grandkids – my youngest sisters kids. One of them is Bubba, a nephew that is near and dear to my heart. I fell in love with this little guy the minute I met him – named him Bubba myself.  Not because he looked like a fat man who played a part in Deliverance, but because he had the warmest spirit and biggest smile of any little boy I knew.  My heart melted, and Bubba has had a special place in my heart since.

Anyway, due to a family emergency, the boys are are here at Grandma’s.  And tonight, I’m the lucky one – I get to sleep with one of my favorite men of all time – Bubba.  I’m headed to bed soon, he is fast asleep…  so adorable!  I hear he snores and likes to kick….   who doesn’t?!??!

All in all, this is an experience I will remember.  Glad I did it. Puts a smile on my face just thinking about it.  And who doesn’t like a lady who smiles?

New Home is Coming Along.

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Home Sweet Home

I stopped by the new house today. Check out the progress.  The electrical work was signed off by the city, the insulation and wallboard goes in. By Friday, the house will seem like a house (instead of a disaster area).   I’ve been taking pictures along the way, so I’ll post some of the good before and after’s on the site.

I am 8 weeks into construction, and I have another 4 weeks to go.  I will be moving in early November.  Its crazy to think how this stroke of good luck came to me….

Anyway, I’ve attached a picture of the front of the house as it looks today.   The reason I decided to post the picture is because much wont change from what you see except the color.  To stay on budget, there are a few things that I just cant afford to do right now: 

  • fixing the delapidated/leaning front porch
  • add the new back deck
  • replace the yard/lawn area in the front as well as on the sides

All in all, these are items that are very nice to haves, but not must-haves.  Must haves are a kitchen, laundry room, bathrooms, etc..   As long as I can live in it comfortably, the rest will just have to wait.