dating

I’m Back.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

So, I arrived back in CA a week ago with a virus…  I was sick, down and out until Friday.   Thank god I started feeling better, I had a lot of stuff I wanted to accomplish…   I didn’t get most of them done, but hey, I had a great weekend!  The one thing that I crossed off my to-do list was organizing my office – I picked up, assembled, and organized my new bookcase.  Check it out, isnt she gorgeous?  Unpacked a few boxes and sold a few unneeded pieces of furniture on craigslist. 

I also had 2 dates this weekend, both were attractive and interesting, I’m definitely going out with both of them again.  I don’t know how it happened, it just did.  Just residual/leftovers from the dating website (which I suspended a few weeks ago).   Spontaneity at its best I tell ya.

On top of it all (I know, busy busy!!)  I had dinner with my friend Feisty Filly and her hubby Money.  I love these two – so much fun every single time.   The other was a spontaneous evening out – my new man girlfriend (from my roster)..  the clouds disappeared, he called, we went to Half Moon Bay to have Bloody Mary’s and walk the beach.  It was awesome.

But alas, the 3 day weekend has come to a close and its back to work for me.  I have a big work week ahead of me…. BUT I have so much to share… like last night, after dinner with Feisty, I was driving home, and about a block away from my home I see a cat bolt across the street.  I could tell by the body shape (my little shiny sausage) and walk that it was my Sophie!  A block away, darting in front of a moving car.  I stop the car immediately, open the driver’s side door and call out to her… and she came sauntering to the car.. hopped right in.. and I drove her home!  She is so damn funny – it was like calling in a teenager (except she listens).  I wished I had recorded it, it’s a classic “Sophie is really the boss” moment.

O.k. I’ll share more…  try to do a story a night .. and I’ll post when I’m flying to/from my prospect meeting (yes, airlines now have wi-fi!!).

Done with Online Dating.

PaulasPonderings5 Comments

So, its official, my first roster of men is now officially done, over.  They have all turn out to be interesting people, and my relationship with each of the men turn out just as they should have. 

Yes, the roster is done, but I have zero interest in getting involved/creating another roster.  I feel so busy, and creating and working a roster is just too much for me.  What pushed me over the edge?  Plenty of Losers sent me some recommendations that included Mr. Texas.  So, they are cycling back thru their crap and offering up bottom feeders as if I wouldn’t know.  Yeahhhh… no thanks.

So, here is the rundown. 

  • Mr. Tx has put up new photos of himself. Same profile – looking for the one special woman.. yada yada yada. Whatever. All bullshit…  now I know. Now we all know.
  • Chicken Legs is a great guy, and he would make anyone a great partner.  BUT I”m the one with the problem – I’m just not sexually attracted to him. So now I have the responsibility to have the “just friends” chat with him.  I’ve not done it yet because with all my birthday celebrations and his commitment to his kids, we’ve not seen each other.  Friends say I should do it over the phone, but I personally would want someone to tell me this kind of stuff in person.  so, thus, I wait until our schedules align and I can see him again.
  • My new Man Friend, my GirlFriend Peter. Forever known here on out as GFP.  This is the last man to fall off the roster. He is a fabulous person.  We met at a bar (not online), and have been dating (no sex, no nothing, just honest, old fashioned dating) since January.  I invited him to my friends party this Friday (I thought we would have fun AND he likes all the same things my friends and I like), and he invited me to his family party on Sunday. I loved both events – he loved my friends, my friends loved him.  I loved his family, they loved me.  You would think this was a date…   but went as friends.  And we had a blast.  And I’m ok with this .  I brought it up because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page….  and you know what he said to me?  he said, he has had a lot of loss in his life this past year (he lost both his mother to cancer (he was her primary caregiver) AND he broke up with his girlfriend of 6.5 years).  He feels that we really connect (we do), and he doesn’t want to lose me because something goes wrong in the lovers arenda.   I told him I am just fine with friends.  And honestly, I think this man is going to be in my life forever.  He is kind, generious, sweet, loving, intellegent, and so interesting. We always have a great time….   I don’t see this changing.  So, no love connection, but a new friendship…  There is just nothing wrong with this.

O.k. .so tonight, right now, I am disabling, deleting, or whatever I need to do to get rid of/hide  my Plenty of Losers account. 

So this is it, I’m done with online dating for a while now.  I don’t have the time or energy for it. Iv’e got at least one lifetime friend, and if Chicken Legs and I can get to the friends stage, well then I’ve made two great friends.  How lucky am I, to have new people, spectactular people, enter my circle of friends?

I’m going to start doing a few more things, go out with friends, and just be myself and enjoy the time that I have.  I would like to meet someone that I want to spend time with… but right now, I’ve got so many great things going on, only someone really special is going to do it for me.  And I have to say, I’ve not met that many great guys online or thru friends..   So, now I’m going it alone…..   I dont know what this means or how this is going to work,   maybe it won’t. But I’m not in a hurry to find someone…  so we shall see.

Wish me luck!

3 H’s – Head, Heart, and Heat – aka Chemistry.

PaulasPonderings3 Comments

One more thing.  Even though I’ve been working a lot, my mind has been spinning.  The people who know me would recognize this as the “Paula Jukebox”.

 I’ve been thinking about what BF Unicorn and I talked about this weekend.    The hardest part, for us, and certainly for me, is realizing that the person you have married/loved/dated doesn’t recognize the rarity of the connection.  The rarity of finding someone that you feel the “3 H’s” for AND that you think that they feel the same way about you.  But in the end, they linger on in your mind, because it is mind-boggling that they don’t feel the same way (or aren’t willing to admit it).  Harsh.

So, what are the 3 H’s?  You all know them…  

  •  head,
  • heart, and
  • heat. 

The magic is when these 3 things align FOR BOTH PARTIES involved…..  when you are connected at a intellectual level, when there is a synergy that is unexplainable, and there is a passion, an attraction for each other that cannot be satiated….  I call this magical.   And which is why its so hard to let go of someone that you feel this way about/with…… or the possibility/potential for this.  It is really hard to understand why anyone would turn this down.  Obviously the answer is that the other person doesn’t feel the 3 H’s for you…

On my side,  I’ve only experienced this 2x in my life…  (1) My EX, who I can’t remember much about these days except for the last 2 years of our marriage, which where horrible.    (2)  The second and most genuine, honest relationship was with the first man I dated after my divorce… My Mr. Big.  The man I still carry a torch for, who sets the bar high for everyone else.  And the (3) 3rd time was not the actuall experience of it, but the potential of experiencing it again, was with Dear Paula Letter writer.  Experiencing the 3H’s is so rare, its still shocking to me that when you find it, feel it,  man or woman, that you dont just let go of whatever is going on and experience it, soak it all in, every bit of it.  No matter how long it lasts…   

I think that I’m the kind of person that can’t, won’t settle down unless I have “it all”….  all the H’s.  And which is why it takes me foooorrrevverrr to a) find someone, and b) get over someone (thus the creation and blathering on in this blog).   I don’t think I get over these relationships, but more just get passed them, move on, and prepare myself for a new and different (and smarter) experience. 

O.k.. enough thinking for tonight.  I really need to go to bed – I have to get up at 6am to catch my flight (and I’m not an early bird).  Good night.

Quick Update

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

So, I finally have some time to catch my breath.  I’m in Boston, just finished up with some training.  I got to work with my new account executive (my new work partner in crime), delivered a new demo, and learn new and interesting things.  All fun… but exhausting.

Because of my last experience with work travel, I decided to stay Thursday night and fly home Friday….  this was a mistake this time around.  Everyone took off today (all are from the East Coast, making it a bit easier).  So, I’m now hanging out in my hotel room, drinking wine, and watching a movie. I would much rather be on a flight home, sleep in my own bed with my furry ladies.  Oh well, this is the way it worked out… not a problem.

So many things to catch up on. And in the spirit of the list, here are the events:

  • Weekend in Boston.  My weekend with my BFF Unicorns was fabulous!   We planned for nothing, experienced everything.  We laughed, cried, drank, slept, flirted, etc..  We also went to a bead store, Bead and Fiber, where I picked up a few things so I can finish up on a few jewelry projects.  I have many many hobbies, one of them being hula hooping which I’ve shared, another is jewelry making. I loooove making my own pieces, one-of-a-kinds…   its a creative outlet, one that I enjoy immensely.  One of these days I’lll post a few pictures of my pieces… 
  • Invite To Hawaii.  One of the men on my roster, Mr. Energy, EG Chicken Legs from here on out, invited me to Hawaii for a long weekend.  I know, WOW.  I decided that I would go and check it out.  Why not?    My heart certainly misses the men from the past, but they aren’t available so whats a girl to do?  Move on is right…?    Not sure Mr. EG Chicken Legs is the right guy for me, but no way to know for sure unless I dive in and check it out. 
  • Presentation.  I did a new presentation at work, and actually got kuddo’s for doing something different and interesting.. I guess I’m starting to feel like I know the stuff (which can be a very dangerous thing)…

So, two more things I wanted to write about … 

  1. one of them is a situation I experienced while with BFF Unicorn.  We were at the Renaissance Marriott in  Boston, which is a fabulous hotel… at the bar we met a gentleman, a young one at that.  He was very intrigued by us….  he invited us back to his room, which was a suite with a private jacuzzi…   and I blurted out “We Have Swimsuits!!!” . Yes I did.  And we did – I packed two swimsuits so BFF Unicorn and  I could enjoy the public pool/jacuzzi.  Well, needless to say… I do not think he cared that I packed swimsuits…    Nothing happened. We enjoyed one more drink with the good-looking man smart but young enough to be my son…  I’m such a dork….
  2. the other is that I’m thinking about starting a new page, an advice to men column, sharing my experiences about what men should do to get a lady, vs. what they actually do, which doesn’t get the lady.  Men do make bold moves, put themselves out there, but sometimes, their follow-thru is lack-luster, and they lose an opportunity … my advice column would be what TO DO..   

O.k.. I’m off to bed.. I’m exhausted. I’ve got to get up early and catch my flight home.

Thoughts and Reflections.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

So, I’ve been busy with work this week (all goodness, its been a very successful week professionally), but in the back of my mind, relationship “stuff” has been swirling thru my head.  This has largely to do with a couple of events:

  • My Niece’s sperm donor (guy got my sister pregnant and took off, without even a good-bye) has reached out to her – on Facebook no less. She hasn’t seen/heard from him since she was 6 (so almost 15 years).
  • The fact that I reconnected with my first San Francisco girlfriend after 8 or so years…   its like we haven’t missed a beat. She’s the best, fun, most gorgeous friend ever!!  Love Her!!
  • Having a man drop off the roster…. and not being interested in adding another person to the roster.

I’ve been thinking about the relationships I most care about, the ones that are/have been the most honest, most rewarding, supportive. 

  1. Of course, the first set of folks are my girlfriends.  They have been with me thru thick and thin.  Most I’ve been friends with before I met my Ex…   stayed with me and supported me, no, propped me up and got me active and engaged during my divorce and recovery….   I wouldn’t know what I would do without these folks in my life.    My friend C-Licious, who got me out for runs, let me cry and run without judgement…   Who adopted me and let me go everywhere with her and her husband (and family, friends, etc..)…  My other best friends, HOPR team, who, hung out with me in “the danger zone” (aka house on Kehoe), who never judged my crazy, reclusive tendendies…  who were always up for taking me out and showing me a good time, even if that meant walking to Celia’s and letting me have too many margaritas.  To all the other friends who wouldn’t let our relationship die with my marriage, and who I adore and cherish every moment with today (thank you ladies for that!!!)..   I could write a book on how fan-tabulous all my lady-friends are.  
  2. The second set would be my family – mostly my niece and my parents ( I’m not real close to my other sisters).  These folks have been nothing but supportive, being my cheerleaders thru thick and thin.  I remember when I told my parents about my divorce (I was apprehensive about it – they liked him)… I’ll never forget my dads first words – “lifes to short to be unhappy”.  Not “are you sure you know what your doing (dumbass)”, “what about kids”, etc..  but, “we support you and your happiness 200%”.    Makes me tear up just thinking about it.  And my niece, who doesn’t forget about me ever, even though she is 20, married with 2 kids, and working full time.  Always calls me, reaching out to me, keeping me updated with her and the kids’ goings-on.  I love that.
  3. The last would be the last 2 guys I’ve dated.  I know, I don’t like that Dear Paula Letter writer broke up with me via email, didn’t communicate with me about how he was feeling and just reacted to his thoughts and feelings with total withdrawl.  I get that he was doing the best he could do, but the shutout hurt.  Anyway, what I liked about the relationship was how easy and fun it was.  I dont really know how honest he was as I didn’t have the time to really get to know him, but he had a great energy, and we had a great energy together.  Who knows where it could have gone, but it got me thinking that people can connect in this crazy world.   The other would be the man I saw on and off for almost 18 months before that… the first man I dated after my divorce.  It was and still is the most honest, open, caring relationship that I’ve been in.  We had a lot of stuff going on in  our lives, but our time together was about spending quality time together.  He definitely took care of me in a way I could appreciate.. and I did the same for him. We laughed all the time… there was a connection and energy that we shared that I’ve not had with anyone else.   I miss him.

Because of these folks, Iam finding dating a lot less interesting now..    I’ve not met anyone I’ve really connected with …  and I’m just not sure if its something you can go and find on a dating website.. I think it has to hit you upside the head at the most random and unexpected times.    I’m pretty sure I’m NOT going to add a new guy to the roster, I think I’m just going to see what happens with the two on the roster right now.  I dont know if I’ve just not spent enough time with these guys, or if there is just not something there… but none of them knock my socks off …  and I don’t want to miss spending time with peeps from 1 and 2 above for just anyone. 

Oh, and one more thing. Its so funny that this post is in list form.  I have created at least a 1/2 dozen lists this week… I’m a list-maniac right now!!

Little Miss Too Independent?

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

So, I’ve met quite a few good men in my new “just dating” experiences.  There are a few things that all of these men have in common:

  • spouses or ex-spouses have taken advantage of them financially (some are doozies)
  • their need to please, satisfy, or placate an unreasonable person/personality
  • the complicitiy they demonstrate in their unhappy relationships for the “benefit” of their kids

I know I said that I prefer a man with experience, and I still do, because the men that realize and learn from the above bullet points are real men..they know themselves; their strengths, their weaknesses, and their positive energy and outlook on life make me melt.   But they go through a lot to “get there”.

As long as I can remember, I’ve never wanted to “have to have” a man. I’ve always wanted to “want a man”.  I believed as far as I can remember – high school, college, even during my marriage, that two people need to be strong, honest, and communicative to really contribute to a healthy, happy relationship.  I am starting to think that the drugs I did in high school are negatively impacting my core belief system….

I have worked so hard to to be independent, to be happy, to be satisfied/content, and to provide for myself….  I do, now believe, at almost 40, that this is not an attractive feature to men.  Every man I’ve dated so far has had a “savior” complex… the one man that I think is the healthiest just revealed to me that he too, is into “saving” women…. or at the very least, has been in the past.  Wow. 

I am so happy right now, so content, relaxed…….I can and do take care of myself.  But I love men, I want to have a healthy, fun, interesting, dynamic, relationhship with a gentleman.  Honestly, is there no man out there that can just appreciate and enjoy a woman that doesn’t need something?  Shocks me, but I’m not sure, at this point, that this is possible.  Somehow, some way, I think to be more attractive to men, I need to become more “vulnerable”.  This is enlighting and frighting to me all at the same time.  How do you do this – become needy?  I have no idea…..  And I don’t want to – I want to find someone who can totally appreciate honestly, openness, and independence, who wants to be a partner, not a provider or co-dependent….  Are there no men out there ready for equality in a relationship?

I’d love to know what other independent and happy ladies out there have experienced…..  same, different…. what’s the secret? Is there a secret sauce, what does it take to meet a man who is happy, independent, and ready for an adventure of a lifetime?

My Dad Has A Twin.

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O.k.. so I do NOT have many dating experiences under my belt, But I’ve had my first “rock your world” date …  but not in a good way. 

First, Dad, Mom, I love you dearly. This experience may be offensive to you, so if you proceed to read, do so with caution and remember to be strong – I love you!

So, tonight, I went on a date with a nice guy – he was a happy individual, has great relationships with his sons, has an intersting and well paid profession… but when he came to my door to pick me up for our date – it was over.  He looks EXACTLY like my father.   We spent the first 15 minutes at my house, gave him the tour, talking about where we wanted to go…   he was very nice.  But in my head, all I could think was that I was about to go on a date with my FATHER!  Poor chap, after one look it was over –  I do not want to date him OR think about having sex with him.  Ewwwhhhh.

Now, the date wasn’t planned.  I’ve been very busy and focused on work for the last couple of weeks,  but I received a call, out of the blue,  from this gent asking me to dinner.  I needed a break and I enjoyed talking with him, so why not?  As a matter of fact, he actually flew in a day early so that he could have dinner with me… I was definitely impressed with his level of interest.

WE went out, had a couple of drinks at a local watering hole, then had a really nice dinner at a local restaurant.  Everything about our surroundings was perfect, and we actually had good conversation.  However, there are thoughts that ran thru my head, that no matter how great this guy was,  the date was “over”..  I don’t even think I can be “just friends”… I have a dad, and I can’t get past that “dating my dad” thing..   O.k.. so the things that I wanted to write down in my little red pad (while he was talking!!!)  include:

  • He sweats profusely.  At first I thought he was just nervious or thrilled to be with such a fun, good looking, and intelligent person, but it just never stopped.  He was wiping his forhead and neck all night long.  It would have been better if he turned to me and told me about a gland problem he was afflicted with… but he did not.. I have no idea why he was sweating for hours straight..   maybe he is detoxing from something??  No idea.
  • Nervous habits.  He was so fidgety… always moving around.. back and forth, hand movements, facial expressions, bulging eyes….   Maybe  its the drugs?  Or he is just really really expressive…
  • Loves VW’s.  Collects them.. loves them.  A VW Horder if you has me (he has more than one).  My dad, too loves VW’s.  Just ask me and/or my mom about my fathers passion for anything VW.
  • Bad Knee. Nothing wrong with it, it is what it is.  But my dad also has a bum knee.  Lots of stories about the knee, what happened, recovery, and living with an aching joint.  Again, nothing wrong with it, it just reminds me of dad…  It also means he doesn’t exercise and thats a deal breaker – running is my therapy and I love a man with a nice firm body… 
  • Face.  The man looks exactly like my dad!!!  Same receding headline, scar near his laugh line, grey hair…..  

So, I need to say again, I love my dad, he is awesome.  Love talking with him, catching up with him, and taking care of him (as much as he will let me)…..   but I dont want to date my dad, and I certinaly do not want to have sex with my dad! 

Given all of these things, there is just absolutely no way we can have a relationship. Friendship maybe, “Friends with Benefits” – no way.  Poor guy, didn’t know/doesn’t know yet he’s out….. or why.  How do you tell someone this?  I would love to hear what you would recommend I say…. I know he is going to call me again. Grrrrr.