Strange Experience.

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Hello peeps.  I’m on vacation – touring Maine with my best friend Unicorns.  We got in the car on Monday with her dog, Spotted Sausage and haven’t stopped since. We have seen some amazing things (below) and talked with fellow travelers all over te world. 

  •  Unicorn’s Uncle Ray (whos amazing and so much fun)
  • some of New Hampshire’s most beautiful natural resources, the White Mountains
  • Maine’s incredible Coastline

We are in Maine now, looking to enjoy a bit of R&R – reading, relaxing, catching up on personal tasks as its raining and cold here.  However, tonight had a very strange outcome.

Unicorns and I had a wonderful dinner at a restaurant called Red Sky in Southwest Harbor, ME.  We had Maine shrimp, crab, and lobster.. YUM!

We are staying at this B&B and are sharing a two room and two bath cottage with another person – we are on one side of the cottage, this person is on the other. We share a living room and kitchen area.  We have our own bathroom so we are good.

Anyway, Unicorns and I get home from dinner, and Danielle and her girlfriend are in the house. They seemed snuggly so I/we thought they were gay, which there is nothing wrong with that.  But then this guy showed up and Danielle started snuggling with him…  We all watched a movie together.  They seem like they were stoned because their speech was really slow but they didn’t smell of pot.  Unicorns and I think they are just slow (Katie said retarded, I think they are just mentally challenged).

We are watching TV and enjoying a fire together until Danielle pushes a glass of wine off the left table, splattering wine and glass everywhere. Danielle and Gordon go to clean it up and somehow manage to move the couch over enough to knock over the right table and dump another glass of wine, break a wine glass and a lamp.  Unicorns and I just sat there and watched.

The entire evening “at home” felt so surreal, like we are in a twilight zone…  we were looking forward to hanging out and doing nothing, but that is obviously not going to happen if we stay here.  Tomorrow we will be looking for new accommodations.  I am very interested in the excuse we make up when we check out a day early….

Out Of The Blue Surprise.

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So I finally figured out how to use Facebook.  I’m not a big fan of Facebook, and here are my reasons:

  1. Privacy. I’m a very private person. I don’t like to share “my stuff” with the world.  If you know me, you know what is going on. There is no reason for me to advertise it for the masses
  2. TMI. And really, who cares?  Who cares what I’m doing? I’m not all that excited to hear/read about the daily lives of others.  Yes, I love you family, but I don’t need to know that on July 4th “God Bless America” is your favorite song.
  3. Time.  Honestly, I don’t have enough time in the day to give my boyfriend and cats the attention they deserve for putting up with me, where would I find time to check up on other people?

Anyway, I figured out that the red boxes in the upper left corner indicate that I have requests and messages. So this morning I accept friends and respond to a few messages.  One friend request was from a guy I met years ago, 1995 to be exact, on an airplane.  I was single at the time, he was single, there was a connection… but it just faded away.  He was a cutie, but he lived in Chicago, Miami, and LA.. I lived in SF.  I was obsessed with being a career woman so I didn’t see how a relationship would work.. we lost touch until this morning.

As it turns out, he has been thinking about me THIS ENTIRE TIME.  He has never forgotten me, finally found me on Facebook and sent a friend request.  We “chatted” via Facebook IM… he is now a film producer living in Argentina and Miami, single, no kids… and still a hottie.   What amazes me is that someone would remember me, that in our brief time together (a plane ride and a couple of phone calls), I had an impact on him.  Crazy.

When we were talking on the plane, I remember thinking to myself, “OH MY GOD, this hottie is talking to ME!”… I couldn’t believe it.  Me!  I guess I never thought anything of it because I assumed he was out of my league – too good-looking, passionate, smart for a simple (and poor) girl from Utah. It never occurred to me that he  thought differently, saw me differently than I saw myself.  

Anyway, it was very nice to hear from someone out of the blue like that.  Made my day.

Reconnecting.

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Hello friends.

I know I’ve been out of touch, I’ve been working WAY TOO MUCH.  I’ve not had a second to myself, let alone for anyone else.  So much has happened since May…

First and foremost, I am alive. Just barely.. I’ve been working 80+ hours for months now.  Working on a work project that has consumed my life and not in a good way.  I gained the 10 pounds I lost last year, I am working for a woman who I can I only describe as grotesque.  Needless to say I’m looking for a new job.

Professionally I’ve exhausted myself – I’m completely burned out.  Totally spent.  I love the company I work for, I hate the person I’m working with.  I do love the other 95% of the people, but unfortunately to stay in my region I have to work with the person I’m working with. And IMO, life it just too short to work with poisonous people.  So on the hunt I go.

My personal relationships have suffered.  I have not seen most of my friends for months now…  and the ones I have seen it has felt rushed. I’m disappointed in myself for letting this happen.

Just because I’ve not written doesn’t mean I’ve not kept up with you, my favorite bloggers.  I love you GG and PG.. you both have kept me going this year.  Even though I’ve not responded to either of you, I love your posts. Thank you for sharing your life experiences with me. When I’ve needed a connection after long hours at the office, you are the first two I’ve turned to.   I’m also interested in Struggling Dad..  Anyone know what happened to him? Did he drop communication due to life’s complexities or can catch up with him on another blog site?

Regarding my main relationship, I’m in one, which is even surprising to me.  ATrain has stuck with me, has taken care of me and the girls – He is a great dad/father to the cats, and a great partner to me.  He has made more than his fair share of salads, dinners, and plans.  I’ve been an absentee partner for the most part, I’m lucky to have him, that he has been so patient with me. I tear up thinking about his kindness and generosity towards me over the last 6 months. 

For those of you that have gotten this far, I was able to purchase the house I remodeled and was living in. The ironic thing is that the girls and I now live with ATrain so I am trying to rent my home.  I’m renting it furnished. I did not have a problem renting it in August.  I’ve got 3 people interested for September. I am on the hook to show it to these folks during Labor Day Weekend.

I’m in Boston this week working and visiting with one of my best friends who stopped blogging years ago Unicorns and Rainbows. I do wish she would start blogging again – she has been doing interesting things and I’m sure her parents and I (along with you) would love to know the latest and greatest.

So, if I had to summarize  my position right now I would say that I’m feeling fat, un-confident, searching for a new path/job/lot in life, have a great support system with my boyfriend ATrain, friends C-Licious, Free Bird, Smarty Pants,  and family including Mom and Dad, AbFab, Lil’ Darlin, and my Twin. I just need to get off my ass and do something to change where I’m at, the situation I’m in. Stop complaining and DO SOMETHING.

I’ll write more and post pictures of my Santa Cruz weekend soon.

Thanks for reading.

Twin Speak.

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So I am a twin as most of you know. An identical twin. Being in Utah this weekend reminds me of being a kid.. a youngster not a baby.  But my mom remembers me (us) as babies.  My mom says we were the happiest babies ever. I think it’s because we had each other. Knowing that someone always has your back is a very comforting feeling, lets you cut loose, laugh, and just have fun.

My mom was talking with AbFab about my sister and I, and sent these YouTube links to AbFab…  she said  it “reminds me of your mom and ‘Paula’ in their wonderful younger years”.  I watched the videos, and it does remind me of the special bond  I share with my sister – our own language, our own way of communicating.. it just worked. We always entertained ourselves, each other.. we were always finding fun together, exploring the great outdoors.  Being a twin has been a challenge – Since all I know is that strong connection, I almost expect it in my partnerships. Well, that’s what my EX would say.  I don’t think this is necessary this is the case – I think anyone who wants to be connected with a person, a partner, you want that special connection.  

Twins are fabulous – complex and simple all at the same time.  I love my twin, as different as she is, she is fabulous.   She is the funnier one, I’m more serious…  but it doesn’t matter what we are or what we’ve done, I know she loves me and I love her. It’s a warm blanket I have wrapped around me at all time. 

O.k. enough about us, check out the video’s, they are each about 2 minutes long:

Twin boys in a serious conversation … about what? Who knows. Doesn’t matter, what matters is that they make sense to each other.

 And this one… I actually remember being a kid… My sis and I had so much fun (I don’t remember my parents until I was in my early teens).  Notice how they don’t really know that their parents are around because they are having so much fun with each other. Yup, that was my sister and me.

Last but not least, what its like to be a twin as described by teens.. – things are fun, such as trading places, strong intuition, dressing the same, etc.

O.k. enough twin stuff.  I’m exhausted and heading to bed. I’ll post my UT experience in the next day or two. It was FABULOUS.  I loved seeing my family – next time I want one more day…  just one more day….

On “PTO” and a Few Random Thoughts.

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So, I’ve taken Today and tomorrow, Thursday and Friday as  “PTO”, Personal Time Off .  I still need to work a little bit, largely due to my OCD….  I have to do it.  I can’t not do it, which intrigues me – I’m so tired of working, soooo tired of working nights and weekends…. I finally get a few days off, and I work.  I know why – I know it will make a difference.  And my name is on it.  I’m only as good as my work.  I DO NOT, will not deliver shoddy, less than perfect work. Thus, my working during my PTO.

I’m in Utah now, staying at my parents house (I love my parents, I can’t even remember why I didn’t like them anymore). The plan was to attend AbFab’s college graduation ceremony on Saturday.  I just found out today that there won’t be one.  I’m not disappointed for myself – I get to spend time with AbFab in a less structured environment.. but I’m disappointed for her. I really wanted her to go thru the ceremony.  She has worked very hard to complete this program (she’s a Pharmacy Tech, works at a local hospital, mixing and dispensing meds to patients, how cool is that?!?!?).   I wanted her to experience an “end” of her hard work..  to solidify the end and a new beginning…   This is just my want for her, she seems to be fine with her choices so I’ll move on.

Friday night I’m spending the evening with LilDarlin. We are going to paint our nails and watch movies. I’m also going to set her up with new, cool, music…   That was her Xmas wish – to spend an evening with Auntie “Paula”…  not a thing, not money, but time with the coolest Aunt in the World.  I know, makes your heart melt doesn’t it?!?

Alright, enough about work and family, here are the few random thoughts:

  • Went out with my Utah Realtor last night (Thursday). He had on a ‘skin’ vest.. very similar to the one I wrote about in a previous blog – Date With My Utah Realtor.  The funny thing is we ended up hanging out with two very cool girls who commented on his vest.  I couldn’t stop thinking about telling my blog fans about it (who else can I share it with?!?)
  • I just searched my own website for the link for the above blog and I realized that I’m now the first google search return for Paulas Ponderings (I wasnt before… ).  I also realize that I can’t search my own blog for links.. bullshit I tell you. I’ll change that if I can.
  •  Utah is so beautiful – a gorgeous state. If they could get over the mormon thing, seperate chuch and state, Utah would be the new California
  • I’m done with Law and Order SVU.  I stil like Law and Order, I’m just done with the whining and crying of the victims.  For those of you who respond with anger… I get it… .. but if you continue to support the victim mentality, you will get a victim.  Done with victims..
  • I got my hair colored, it looks fabulous, I look fabulous.  I really like my new colorist/stylist… but she works next to the person I’ve been going to for years (they work at the same salon, and in my defense I ONLY went to her because my colorist/stylist was not available multiple times)…  still, when I had my color done with the new gal on Wednesday, my original gal was there… a tiny bit uncomfortable.

Regarding the house, I’m working on a purchase contract.  ATrain is helping me with it.  The lender did not call ATrain, me, or the realtor today…. he is a friend of ATrains.  ATrain says if he doesn’t call back or call the agent to pull a contract together that we can work different avenues (meaning I get to find someone)… Its strange having someone ‘help’ me – I didn’t ask for the help, I really don’t know how to ask for help, ATrain offered.  If it works out I wil be forever grateful. 

Alright. Enough updating. I’m exhausted. Ill write more later. Have a great Friday everyone.

Housing Update – Purchase In My Future?

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So upon very sound advice from CLicious, I went to see the lawyer.

He reminded me over and over again what an idiot I am for investing in a property without a written agreement.  Once we got beyond that, he helped me figure out what my options are.

He said that I should NOT move forward with the open house/sale of the property until the owner and I have a written agreement in place – he saw 2 reasonable options – a Purchase or a Settlement Agreement.  Whichever I chose, it needs to happen before anything else happens.

So I called the owner, said I wanted to talk, and I met with him last night.  We spoke openly and honestly about what we both need/want from this…  we agreed on a sale/purchase price.  if I can qualify for a loan, I could be the new owner of a very nice home on a large lot in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Since it’s the weekend I’ll need to get in touch with the lawyer, draw up a purchase agreement, and find a broker first thing on Tuesday.

On the work front, I have a huge demo to deliver on Monday so I’m working this weekend.  I cannot wait for this project to be done.  I’ve spent most evenings and weekends working since January of this year. I’m tired and completely burned out … I need to take some time away to adjust my perspective… or find a new job.

I’ll update you later this week on my progress on the home and work front.

Losing My Home.

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I still can’t believe it, but it is true – I’m losing my home.  Not to foreclosure, not due to inability to pay, due to lack of cash on hand.   Well, my partner needs to sell and I don’t have the cash to buy him out. So, my house is  now on the market. The photographer came by and took pictures today, the broker’s tour is in a week, the open house is in 2 weeks.  As much as I’ve not tried to think about it, it has finally hit me.  It hurts. I’m back to where I was at in 2008.

Why did I partner in the first place?  Good question, I did it for several reasons –

  • I could NOT afford to buy a house in the area I wanted to live
  • I had a real opportunity to make gains in the real estate market
  • I wanted a place to call home that I created

I’ve posted my excitement about this house on this blog for almost 2 years now:

It’s crazy how life can change in an instant, and that we actually have zero control of most of what happens to us in our lives.  Once again, I’m due to be homeless NOT by my own doing.  It makes me feel sad, angry, frustrated all at the same time. I want to scream…  I want to cry.. well, I have been crying, haven’t gotten to the screaming yet.

I work so hard. I’ve worked so hard for so long.  And the harder I try, the harder I fall.  I’m feeling very down about it, very sour about the economy, the way life works.  Is it possible to get ahead?  I’m starting to wonder why I work so hard.  I’m tired of my job, I don’t like who I work with, I’m sick that I work so hard and this is what my life has come to…..

I’m not sure if I’ve shared this, but ATrain asked me to move in with him a couple of months or so ago… I liked the idea because it gave me time to be with him while working (he likes to be around me even if I’m busy)..  The cats and I have spent the last month or so at his house. We like it. But I’ve always had my house to go to when I needed some time (and some clothes~).  I did not fully move in.  Now the idea of living with someone is scary to me – when do I get my private time? How do I share space with another human being again?

I really enjoy my independence, my alone time, my quiet time, when no one expects anything from me….  my safe place to fall if you will.  Can I create this while living with someone else? Am I strong enough to demand it, make it happen? 

Having a place of my own made me feel more powerful, like I had more of a standing in asking for what I needed/wanted.  Losing the house makes me feel very scared, very vulnerable, very worried about my future…. 

When I got separated/divorced I trusted my Ex, I thought he would take care of me. He did not. As a matter of fact, he did the opposite – he used my trust and naïveté against me …  I lost the house and money that I deserved.  I feel like I’m in the same place again… But not for long. I’m going to see a lawyer, to understand my rights, and figure out what the right solution is for me. What will make me happy…. or at least make me feel less scared. My appointment is tomorrow, Thursday at 1pm. 

Wish me luck.  I need it.  I’ll let you know what I find out. I think we can all benefit from a bit of knowledge… and it is therapeutic to share it with you.

A Year In April.

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In April, it will be a full year since I’ve seen or heard from My Mr. Big.  I can’t believe it.  A FULL Year.  I never thought it was possible, us not being together, now its been a full year since we’ve had any contact.

As far as I know he hasn’t tried to reach out to me.  I’ve wanted to respect his privacy and wishes, so I’ve only thought about him.. except one time.  I did send him a Happy  Birthday email on his birthday in December.. no response.

Crazy how life changes. How you can go to thinking that someone will always be there for you, with you.. and another minute, they are gone, gone forever.  I’ve always believed that life can change in an instant…  this experience is no exception.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what happened to him, wonder where he is, if he is happy, why he chose to stop all contact..  But as a dear friend tells me, its my lot in life to wonder about things that I will never learn the answer to.  We are thinkers, wanderers, my friend and I, destined to roam this earth wondering about things beyond our control…

I did and do love him, My Mr. Big.. always will.  He brought such joy to my life, gave me a new perspective on life and love…  I was lucky to be with him, even if just for the short time that we shared together. I do miss him…

Should Be Working…

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Work is never-ending these days… if it’s not a 300+ question RFI to answer, it’s a training module, customer visit, demo to do…   I’m so overloaded. Have been since the beginning of the year.  I have a list of to-do’s that is two miles long, and a few things on the list are “reach out to FreeBird”.. I know, pathetic.

I did discuss this with my manager…  it’s not going to ‘end’ (it never really does end does it?) until after April 24th.  so I’m stuck working nights and weekends, along with my days, for another month. Definitely makes the head hunter offers in my inbox seem appealing.

But tonight, I should be working. Well, I am working, just taking a short break to have a pity party with my blog friends.  I’m not working – I’m writing to you.. and drinking wine (makes my answers/responses to questions MUCH MORE interesting if I do say so myself).. 😉

So in the last week, I’ve had the great pleasure of putting a smile on my moms face.  Doesn’t matter that I did it, just matters that it happened.  Makes me feel good…  I love being able to do it, and she is the most deserving of anyone on this planet as far as I can tell.  Put up with me, my three sisters, a plethora of bad decisions and grandkids….  and really, all it takes is simple pleasures to put a smile on this womans face.  Gotta love it.  Putting a smile on her face makes me smile – and makes everyone else around me happy – from the cashier at the grocery store to the teller at the bank… (not to mention ATrain!).

Other simple pleasures as of late are:

  • feeding my cats (boy do they love food, and they love folks who feed them.. so yep, they love me!!!)
  • Working out – just trying to keep extra lb’s off …
  • sleep – ambien has been a good friend to me…

With that said, I have 287 more questions to answer… wish me luck, I need it.  Its due by EOD Thursday…. yes, this Thursday. I know. Rediculai.

Job Change Is Definitely In Order.

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So take a look at this folks…  http://nyti.ms/GCegDC

I used to be a nanny.  I was a nanny for 5 years. I was a nanny during my youthful years, working hard to earn money for college.  Yes, I graduated college with a finance degree, been working in the software industry for 16+ years.  NEVER have I earned $180K + $3000 in living expenses. EVER. 

I’m seriously considering a job change.  I’ve got experience, I work hard, I am dedicated, I love children and they love me, I am easy on the eyes, I can drive, I will pick up any language you want me to, and honestly, I can dedicate all my time to the success of the family.  I’ve dedicated all my time to my job now… and it stresses me out.  I have ZERO downtime these days.  If I have to give up all my personal time, I would much rather be taking a kid to/from daycare, cooking dinner, working on homework, etc..    What I don’t do? Clean windows or toilets.. but I’m assuming they will have a house cleaner for all that.

Anyone else up for a job change? We can create our own Nanny Network.. the bigger the network, the more our worth..  And if you know of anyone hiring let me know, I’ll give you a finder’s fee if it works out..   Oh, and I live in Northern CA.. willing to go international if need be…   🙂