New Year is A’Coming.

PaulasPonderings4 Comments

big-changes-coming-soonI get SUPER EXCITED about the New Year – I see it as an opportunity for reflection and change.  I love to look back on the year, see where I am, where I am not, as compared to my goals and aspirations.

This year was the first year I did not write down my resolutions – and I’m paying for it.  I have no way to measure myself, and I feel like I wasted most of the year.  I gave up on 2014 about 4-5 months ago.  A lost year for me.  I wanted to do so much, but did almost none of what I wanted.  This year, I’m starting early.

I feel like I’ve already started on my 2015 resolutions. I do not want another year to go by and be in the same place.  I’m serious about making a plan and working that plan….

One of the biggest changes that happened already is a job change.  I really wanted to call Zuora home, but they were like family that only wants you to stay a few days, not for a while.  I tried my best to stay, worked really hard to do something amazing. . Alas, I clued in that we weren’t on the same page so I moved on.  Bums me out as I loved the technology and all my customers…  but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be.  I’ve been at the new company for a month now, so far so good.  I’m taking a lead, doing what I love (to organize things, make a difference), and learning new things.  I am looking forward to finding my professional home – the place that feels like home when I’m not home. So far so good.  So far there aren’t any real politics that I can see, just a great bunch of good, solid, really smart people all working towards the same objective/goal/outcome.  Great technology and culture.  I feel like I fit in.  It will be a matter of time before I figure out if I do or not.

I’ve spent the last 10 months trying to break up with A-Train.  I love him, but I’m convinced we are not meant to be a couple. For a variety of excuses reasons, It hasn’t happened yet.  He is a super nice guy, I love being around him, we just aren’t a good team.  My fear of losing him as a friend stops me from doing what is best for the both of us.  Although I still do not know why in the world he wants to be with me – I’m a horrible girlfriend.  I will someday provide a list of all the ways I’m a horrible girlfriend….

Anyway, one resolution is to write more.  I like to write, its therapeutic for me, and I love the advice/wisdom I get from my readers.  So expect more this year from me. I’m ready to deliver.

Keep me honest folks – hold me to my goals and commitments!

 

 

 

Where is My Mr. Big?

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

happy-coupleI miss him.  I know I’ve done a lot these last few years, and maybe I have been hard to track down given all my moves, but a day doesn’t go by where I wonder where My Mr. Big is and how he is doing.  Is he happy?  Does he wonder where I am? Does he wish things had ended differently? Does he wonder if I still think about him?  For me, what we shared was the most simple and honest of all my relationships.  I understood and liked his quirks. I thought he felt the same.  If we had questions or were confused, we confronted them.  There were no elephants in our closet (like there had been in my marriage)…

Given the way he disappeared, I don’t expect to ever see him again (bummer for me as he was a good-looking man, and laying my eyes on that piece of man candy would be awesome!).  I would love to see him, if only briefly, to get a better understanding  of what he was going through, what was going on in his head when he decided to move on.  What was on the other end that was worth giving up what we shared?  I’m not  judging, I just would just like to know.  I’ve got all sorts of ideas in my head, it would be nice to put the ideas to rest and know the truth, no matter what it is.

I think of “us” now, especially as I move onto yet another phase in my life. I wonder what it would be like to have him by my side. If he would support it, steer me in a different direction…  I respected him, his experience, and his advice.  And to some degree, wonder what it would be like to have him by my side.

If anything, I don’t understand why people who loved each other so much can’t stay in contact, be friends, be supporters, be the cheerleaders we all need in our lives.  I’m not a jealous person, so I don’t get how people can choose to drop out of someone’s life … if you loved someone at one time, don’t you still love/admire those qualities about that person?

Anyway, this is a short post about missing someone who is special to me.  He taught me about love, passion, and happiness, and that all of it IS possible with a partner (vs. on your own). I know how to get there on my own, but the cats meow is when you can get all of the above WITH a partner.  Thank you Mr. Big. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy, smiling, and at peace with yourself.   xoxo.

Have a Kid or Stay Kid-Free – What’s Your Opinion?

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

baby smells of vomit and shitSo I finally have some downtime and I felt compelled to write.  Not only to let my “fans” know that I’m alright, but to also clear up all the thoughts running through my head.

First, as much as I wanted this year, 2014, to be about me, have another “Year of the Paula” much like 2011, that did not happen. Nothing went my way.  If I wanted or wished for something, it was a safe bet on the opposite.  So I gave up on this year, riding it out.. just trying to get through it.  UNTIL I went to visit with an old girlfriend in July.  She talked some good sense into me.  Helped me see, yes, the error of my ways but more so, asked me questions that gave me pause, that forced me think in a different way. This, in combination with a few other wise girlfriends advise, a new plan has been “hatched”.

2015 will be the year of the Paula.  No if, ands, or buts about it.  The plan is in motion.  I have accepted another job offer, at higher pay AND with a fancy new title….  a job that I always thought I was capable of doing but for whatever reason, didn’t go for it until now.    But now I have.  I start in 2 weeks.  I’ll share more about the job later, this posting is mostly about the journey.

I have phenomenal friends.  I’ve met some very cool people this year that I would love to invite into the circle of friends…  it will happen, its just a matter of time.  My new job inspires me to be the best me, better than I’ve ever been, and it excites me to create something new, different, unique, and be on the forefront of innovation.  No, No, I’ve not created any new product. And when I tell you what it is it will be boring to most of you, but the exciting part is that Ive got a job that I’m passionate about AND the company I’m going to trusts me to do  my job!  So refreshing.

Now onto the random thoughts.  I went and got myself waxed yesterday. Yes, the ladies, and some “in the know” men may know what I’m taking about.  My wax specialist was fantastic.  Very professional.  But she said something to me that made me think about something I’ve not thought about in a long time. Not because she said it rudely, she simply asked a question.  Its me that is sensitive about it.  She asked why I haven’t had kids yet.  I thought about it, then I came up with what I believe to be true – that it wasn’t in the cards for me.  I married someone I loved, I thought it would happen.  But it didn’t.  And after the divorce, My Mr Big wasn’t in a position to have kids, nor was I.  Now I’m 43… in a relationship with a 70 year old.. so if definitely isn’t going to happen…   Anyway, you can see my train of thought on this.  Then I get on a plane this morning, I’m headed to NYC to visit with a girlfriend on the weekend and work during the week.  Of course there is a 18 month old sitting directly in front of me.

Kids love me.  They are just drawn to  me.  There is something about my look, my personality, my energy that kids are just drawn to.  Yes, I am an 43 adult child, but I like to think its something more than that.  Kids of all ages flirt with me like crazy.  They love me. Even when I try to ignore them, they do something too stupid or cute to ignore and I must reach out. All it takes is eye contact and i’m hooked.  So yes, the kid in front of me liked me. I liked it (it was unisexly dressed – blame the parents, not me for calling it an it).  Anyway, we flirt off and on throughout the trip. Me drinking wine, working… “it” playing, wiggling, walking around.  The plane lands, all seems well, except that as the parents get ready to deboard, the kids pukes up what appears to be be a quart of sour milk. It goes everywhere – all over the mother, all over the seats, the back of the seat in front of them, the floor… and it fills the plane with the most foul sour milk smell you can imagine. People couldn’t get off the plane soon enough..

So the pings of wanting a kid lasted about 24 hours.  Yes, I want one.  But I would need someone to help me take care of it because I need my sleep and I do not want to clean up rancid milk throw up.  I will however, do diaper duty in exchange for this…  but do kids really bring as much joy as what you give up to have them? Why do people who have kids look so tired? Fight so much?  And why do people with kids “stay together for the kids”? Its so selfish to teach kids the wrong way of doing something – sticking with a partner out of obligation and not love.  You can have a kid AND have a great partner (even if thats not with the father).. right??

My question to all of you is – what do you love the most about having kids – what would you miss the most? And what do you wish you didn’t have to do, wished you had back, or wished you could have…or if you could  have it all, what does “having it all” mean to you? Is it something as simple as a nap? A bit more downtime, or is it more complex like a different partner???   Love to get some perspective on this topic.

Taurus’ Make Fantastic Lovers and Other Topics.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

2014-07-Cottage BackyardThe tweet I received from @TaurusIsMagic today on my tweet account.  I know, what the hell is Tweeting and why am I trying it out?  Because I love experimenting with “new” technology, and I want to learn how to say important things in 150 words or less.

So, here is the tweet, I’m using embedded code magic to have it appear on this blog –

https://twitter.com/TaurusIsMagic/status/486739319089283072

Did it work?  It did if you see a block message with the tweet in it AND not a bunch of crazy code.

And the picture?  It is the picture of the special outdoor space I have in the little cottage I rent.  With the BBQ donation from C-Licious, I am on my way to having a backyard BBQ.  I’m super excited.  Also, my “salsa garden” is doing well. My tomatoes, Serrano peppers, and cilantro (2nd plant) are all growing well and enjoying their spots in the garden.  The garden is back in the corner, between the BBQ and the couch.  And yes, those are yard flamingos. I have two – Fred and Ethel.  They are like pets that don’t require any attention, unlike the two furry friends I have now… And they are pink which makes me smile every time I see them.

That’s it for now.

And Then There Were 3.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

3 of what you might be asking… People, fans, followers, kindred spirits…drinks, men, tables to dance on?   No sillies, I now cherish a 3rd cat….  I know, not a super big surprise for those that know me.  Here is how it all happened…

I now live in a cottage, the renovated garage of a single woman in downtown San Mateo. She is a lovely woman, active, vibrant, with two lovely daughters.  She adopted an 18 year old black cat named Sebastian from a shelter. He was turned into the Shelter because his owner died. He was 13 human years, 91 in cat years (13×7=91).  He was so old that no one adopted him so he became the shelter cat, the cat that ran the office with the office crew.  He was there for 5 years!   Until one day he met my Landlady’s daughter… and she drove him to her mothers… and now Sebastian is The Landlady’s cat.

We all moved in about the same time (Me, Sophie, Zoey, and Sebastian) so we all learned how to accommodate one another.  My ladies, Sophie and Zoey, are fine with him around.  Maybe they don’t like it, its not ideal for them, but they tolerate it.  No more growling, attacking.  When I come home, they all hear me and all come in for a feeding….Sophie and Zoey first with Sebastian in tow.  Sophie now gets up in the morning, heads over to The Landlady’s house, and eats with Sebastian.  There are some perks for him being around – she gets an extra meal.

Having Sebastian around makes me smile. The way he “chirps” instead of meows. His skinny little body, his black little face, the way he lets me know he wants to go home (he chirps at my door and when I open it, he races towards home.. thats the signal that he doesn’t want to go through his cat door to get home, he wants me to open the door for him).

I’ve never wanted another cat. Honestly, I wouldn’t have the two ladies I have if it weren’t for Ab Fab and the EX (I didn’t want another cat, I wanted a dog, Ab Fab found the cats, the EX didn’t want a dog).  But I do have two cats now, and the lovely ladies have ruled the homestead for 7 years.  Now, we have an honorary family member – a black cat named Sebastian. I couldn’t be more pleased with the addition..   I’ll take a picture one of these days and add it to this post.  He is such a sweetheart…

If you ever have a chance to get a furry friend, I highly recommend a pet from the shelter. You are supporting a great cause, saving a life, and gaining a new best friend.

For The Love Of Wine

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

i-enjoy-a-glass-of-wine-each-night-for-its-health-benefits-the-other-glasses-are-for-my-witty-comebacks-and-flawless-dance-movesI know, its been forever since I’ve posted, and all I have for you is a few short sentences about how much I love wine. Well, it is what it is.

I love wine. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it makes me feel (happy and warm inside), I love drinking it by myself why relaxing at home, I love drinking it with my friends.  Wine is such a great beverage.  It really should be in the Guinness book of world records as the best drink EVER.

Anyway, 2014 has not yet turned out to be the “Year of the Paula” like I was hoping/expecting.  The good news is that I’ve not lost sight of the vision I have for myself, so slowly, I’m working towards making it that way…  I WILL NOT LEAVE 2014 the same way I came into it.  Something will change, for the better, and it will be significant/substantial.  I’m just not quite sure what the change will be…  will I get a new job? Will I come into some money? Will I have my yacht body?  All great questions…  we shall see.

Decorators Envy.

PaulasPonderings1 Comment

mcmansionI’m in Utah.  I had a few customers to visit late this week, and decided to stay the weekend and stay with family.  I’m now staying with AbFab and her two awesome kids Mayonnaise and Shahnaynay.  4 and 6 now, 5 and 7 in very short order. My twin also came up for the evening, and she looks awesome.  I got a few pictures of us together, which is a rarity for us.

Since I’ve last talked about AbFab, she has gotten divorced from the kids’ father and has since remarried to a great guy. I’ll call him RoadRage for now… he is a very nice calm person, RoadRage is a great name for him as its opposite of the personality I’ve seen of him.

Anyway, they now live in a 5800 square foot home.  Its GORGEOUS. I love it.  It’s not the size that I love, it’s the dream of decorating and making a home.  It’s turning each room into a masterpiece, with color, with furniture, with flare. I can see why rich people keep buying new homes even though the ones they already have are Martha Stewart perfect.

On a personal front, I’ve been sick lately – a combo of allergies and a head cold.  I took a long nap today, it was good for me. I feel much better. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m cooking dinner for the kids and my family…. Its going to be gluten-free (my new diet) but delicious.  I love to cook, it’s nice to cook for others.

O.k. so that’s it.  Not much tonight, but a little bit of something.  Which is what I’d love to see/read from Grey Goose…  hint hint GG, give me something!

Spending A Few Nights In.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

2013_03_Sophie_and_ZoeyI FINALLY heard from FreeBird.  I sent her a few emails AND actually left a VM (I hate voicemail and recorded messages in general) for her to no avail.  I was so worried about her!  Now I know that she is not only O.K., but she is fabulous!  Life is changing for her, for the better, and she is going to be moving closer to me… since it’s all about me, how fabulous is this?!?  I will be seeing her soon, possibly next Friday.

I’ve also spent the last few nights in. With myself.  I should have worked both nights, or unpacked, done laundry, cleaned the house, etc., but instead I sautéed some veggies, made some cupcakes, drank a lot of wine, watched a season of Mad Men, and now finishing up a season of Parks And Recreation.  Tonight’s going to be a late night as I can’t procrastinate any longer – I have a lot of status reports due to my management by noon tomorrow.

A few thoughts that have run through my head:

  • I went to lunch today with my colleagues and asked the waitress about the treatment of the farm animals that are now meat on their menu. I asked in a nice way, but yes, I’m still on my non-violence to farm animals kick.  My stomach still turns thinking about what the chicks, pigs, and cows endure.
  • I think I’m over my jet lag.  Got up at 8am this morning and heading to bed soon.
  • Since my new diet (sans meat) and dairy (I hate milk but I love yogurt and cheese),  I’ve not had any stomach issues.

Another thought that is constantly on my mind –  Money and Relationships.  The furniture in my current cottage was purchased at yard sales or on Craigslist. The entire living room cost me $170. Why was I so frugal?  Because I was $3000 dollars away from being homeless.  If I had lost my job in Nov. ’13, I would have been living on C-Licious’ couch.  If I hadn’t rented out my house OR my condo in Utah, I’m sure one, or both of these places would be in foreclosure right now.   I feel super lucky to have survived.  Things have improved for me in the sense that I have more of a cash cushion now (not much, but more) but I still worry sick about it.  All the time. Every minute of every day.  I will be working and all of a sudden I will have a panic attack about it.  I’m done with this level of stress.  This is why my major NYR this year is to get as debt-free as possible.  I plan to pay off all my debt and sell all my non-CA properties so that all I have is my CA home mortgage.  That way if I ever get in a bad place again, I’ll be able to handle it on my current salary.  Once I get rid of the debt, I’m back to my saving ways.

For those of you who don’t know, I purchased and remodeled the house of my dreams. It’s on a big lot, or what is considered a big lot in Northern CA.  I have so many dreams, so many plans….. I  love this house.  BUT I don’t live there. I rent it out. I live in a tiny 1 bedroom cottage at the back of a small cottage.  It’s a converted garage.  Makes me want to convert my garage to a studio/1 bedroom… which I will do after I a) get debt free, and b) have a large cash cushion.

So where is this story going?  ATrain offered to buy me a couch and I took him up on it.  Just as I’m trying to make a break, to get some space from him and our relationship, he offers to make my life a little bit easier, and I wasn’t able to say no.  My current couch needs to be re-upholstered – it needs new cushions and fabric. Its cheaper to re-upholster the current couch than a buy a new couch, but I can afford neither.  ATrain gave me money for a new couch (he doesn’t like the old couch).  I officially ordered the new couch yesterday. It will be here in 3 weeks. It’s exactly what I want –  a couch with chaise in the exact color I want.  I’ve never had exactly what I wanted before… I’m giddy with excitement, but at the same time I’m stressed and overwhelmed by the expectations that I think it will bring.  I do plan to resell all my living room furniture to help pay for the couch, but even if I break even, its pennies on the dollar compared to the cost of my new couch.

O.k. enough procrastination.  I’ve got to get my status reports done. I’ll get it done.  AND I do have a date tomorrow, with my girlfriend Hannah – we are going to a charity event, set up and paid for by ATrain, but still, it’s an opportunity to get dressed up and go out!  I’ll take pictures and share what I can…

Moral of the story – even while sitting at home I can find plenty to do that doesn’t include work or housecleaning. 😉

Perception is Reality.

PaulasPonderings2 Comments

sun_through_clouds_2560x1600Like I know what reality is.  I know what my world is like…  I’ve been busy dealing with my stuff and planning/executing my trip to Australia.  I think I understand what other people’s worlds’ look like….

My stuff… what is that? I’ve moved, shifted the life I wanted but wasn’t real in order to better my future life.  I’ve been feeling morose about the changes, and trying to adjusting to my new life.  I’ve made some major adjustments, the most notable is that I moved out of my house and am now living in a small 1 bedroom cottage, otherwise known as a converted garage apartment.  The loss of “my life” includes the loss of the things I love, the space I love. These changes are essential to me getting back on track financially.  I now have to admit it, I’m depressed about this move.

I now recognize that I’ve been avoiding my situation… and thought I was handling it well.  But this is not the case, not only have I not handled it, its effecting my work.  My manager asked me today if something was wrong, something significant like cancer.  Why? Because I’m not as engaged (dedicated, committed, passionate) as I need to be.  She wasn’t telling me because I’m in trouble, she asked me from sheer concern.  I love this woman, she has busted her ass to “prove herself”, but in reality, she is the best leader at my current company.  When I grow up I want to be just like her. She is amazing, and I appreciate her concern.

I’m surprised it took me so long to recognize/admit my situation.  I fell into the abyss before (during and slightly after) my divorce.  My doctor gave me some pills to help me deal with it, which was fabulous.  I know that there are pills that will help me pull out of my current funk, and my doctor will prescribe them, but I don’t want to use pills this time.  I think this is just part of life – to feel the highs, you have to feel the lows.  I just happen to be experiencing a low period. Just kidding, funny aren’t I??? I think so.   I’d love to have drug to cover this up, but there isn’t one.

Anyway, I now realize that not only HAVE I NOT BEEN hiding/handling it all that well.  I put it off my feelings because I have been dealing with the enormity of “my reality”, which were these life changes that I’m not happy about making.  But the situation is real, I’ve already made the changes, so I need to get over it.  So what does this mean to me? I need to get off my lazy ass and get with a program.  Wake up, drink a plant-based breakfast to get new energy, start exercising, and in general, get my shit together.

Tonight is the night – that I’m not doing anything, once again.  but tomorrow, I need to live my New Year’s Resolutions.  God damn, its March already, it’s time I get my shit together right?  I’m going to drink a plant-based drink for energy, eating more veggies for health, and drink wine for sanity, and in all of this, lose the 20 pounds I need to lose for my Yacht Body!!   Tomorrow I’ll figure out exactly how I’m going to execute on my plan.

For the Love Of Animals.

PaulasPonderingsLeave a comment

FactoryFarmingPhaseOut

I’m back in the USA. Arrived home, safe and sound, on Thursday afternoon, but just now adjusting back into the US Pacific timezone.  I had a fantastic trip – successful from a work front, and extremely successful on a fun/friend front.

  • I reconnected with a bestie – I was able to hang out with Smiles, one of my best girlfriends ever.  She was my partner in crime may years ago.  She was the reason for one of my greatest trips of all time – my trip to Australia (and to Hamilton Island) in 1996.  I know, a lifetime ago, but at the same time, unforgettable.
  • I connected with a new bestie – Sporty Spice. I was able to get to know her before she started her world travels, but I was lucky enough spend more time with her down under.  I love me some Sporty Spice!  She is so funny, so insightful, creative, interesting.  I can’t wait for more time together!

I know, I know, I’ve already said all of this. But it was a great trip, it felt too short, I would have loved to stay longer, and I look forward to my return trip in April.

What I’ve not shared is my current obsession with health. I know I said in my Yacht Body post that I’m going to go the no-alcohol route, but that was before watching 3 movies on juicing and vegetarianism.

  • Vegucated – great documentary on 3 meat and cheese loving individuals take a 6 week vegan challenge.  Also showed some shocking videos of slaughterhouses and compelling facts about farm animal cruelty.
  • Fat Sick and Nearly Dead – amazing documentary (available on the website, Netfix, and Hulu) on the lifestyle and medical transformation attributed to juicing.
  • Food Matters – medical experts weigh in on the lack of nutrition and natural healing education and support in the medical community as well as the growing dependence on pharmaceutical drugs (which I personally love) and expensive medical treatments.  What I learned is that there are many alternative therapies available, the easiest of which is choosing healthier foods to put in your body – “You are what you eat”.

After watching these documentaries, I truly believe that alcohol is the least of my concerns.  I need to be focused on a plant-based diet… not only for my health but to also save animals from undue torture (be careful, I got about 30 seconds through the video and couldn’t go any further).  I do have an appointment with an allergist to figure out my stomach issues.  I’ve met with my doctor to review my medications (I take sleeping pills, constipation, and pills to help manage my recurring panic attacks).

I can say, that I’m honestly sick to my stomach about the farm animal cruelty right now.  I think that I can get my Yacht Body AND contribute to making a difference in an animal’s life (Alicia Silverstone is a spokes person for Farm Sanctuary in the US and even Aussies have their own sanctuary anyone want to do a volunteer stint with me?). If I could save all the animals I would – they deserve better than to be created solely for the purpose of consumption IMO.  Anyone who knows of a farm that saves animals, please post it to comments.  I’d love to see how many active sanctuaries we can provide links to on this blog.

With my new-found purpose, I am going to focus on living a healthier life and saving the animals, one diet (mine) at a time.  I will post my weight loss, blood pressure, and bad cholesterol test results when I get them.  If I don’t show significant progress by April 1st, then I have 1 more month to cut out alcohol and anything else necessary. I WILL HAVE my Yacht Body by early May…  Please provide any advice, links to education recourses, or vegetarian recipes… I’ll take it.