Thoughts & Experiences

A Year In April.

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In April, it will be a full year since I’ve seen or heard from My Mr. Big.  I can’t believe it.  A FULL Year.  I never thought it was possible, us not being together, now its been a full year since we’ve had any contact.

As far as I know he hasn’t tried to reach out to me.  I’ve wanted to respect his privacy and wishes, so I’ve only thought about him.. except one time.  I did send him a Happy  Birthday email on his birthday in December.. no response.

Crazy how life changes. How you can go to thinking that someone will always be there for you, with you.. and another minute, they are gone, gone forever.  I’ve always believed that life can change in an instant…  this experience is no exception.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what happened to him, wonder where he is, if he is happy, why he chose to stop all contact..  But as a dear friend tells me, its my lot in life to wonder about things that I will never learn the answer to.  We are thinkers, wanderers, my friend and I, destined to roam this earth wondering about things beyond our control…

I did and do love him, My Mr. Big.. always will.  He brought such joy to my life, gave me a new perspective on life and love…  I was lucky to be with him, even if just for the short time that we shared together. I do miss him…

Should Be Working…

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Work is never-ending these days… if it’s not a 300+ question RFI to answer, it’s a training module, customer visit, demo to do…   I’m so overloaded. Have been since the beginning of the year.  I have a list of to-do’s that is two miles long, and a few things on the list are “reach out to FreeBird”.. I know, pathetic.

I did discuss this with my manager…  it’s not going to ‘end’ (it never really does end does it?) until after April 24th.  so I’m stuck working nights and weekends, along with my days, for another month. Definitely makes the head hunter offers in my inbox seem appealing.

But tonight, I should be working. Well, I am working, just taking a short break to have a pity party with my blog friends.  I’m not working – I’m writing to you.. and drinking wine (makes my answers/responses to questions MUCH MORE interesting if I do say so myself).. 😉

So in the last week, I’ve had the great pleasure of putting a smile on my moms face.  Doesn’t matter that I did it, just matters that it happened.  Makes me feel good…  I love being able to do it, and she is the most deserving of anyone on this planet as far as I can tell.  Put up with me, my three sisters, a plethora of bad decisions and grandkids….  and really, all it takes is simple pleasures to put a smile on this womans face.  Gotta love it.  Putting a smile on her face makes me smile – and makes everyone else around me happy – from the cashier at the grocery store to the teller at the bank… (not to mention ATrain!).

Other simple pleasures as of late are:

  • feeding my cats (boy do they love food, and they love folks who feed them.. so yep, they love me!!!)
  • Working out – just trying to keep extra lb’s off …
  • sleep – ambien has been a good friend to me…

With that said, I have 287 more questions to answer… wish me luck, I need it.  Its due by EOD Thursday…. yes, this Thursday. I know. Rediculai.

Job Change Is Definitely In Order.

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So take a look at this folks…  http://nyti.ms/GCegDC

I used to be a nanny.  I was a nanny for 5 years. I was a nanny during my youthful years, working hard to earn money for college.  Yes, I graduated college with a finance degree, been working in the software industry for 16+ years.  NEVER have I earned $180K + $3000 in living expenses. EVER. 

I’m seriously considering a job change.  I’ve got experience, I work hard, I am dedicated, I love children and they love me, I am easy on the eyes, I can drive, I will pick up any language you want me to, and honestly, I can dedicate all my time to the success of the family.  I’ve dedicated all my time to my job now… and it stresses me out.  I have ZERO downtime these days.  If I have to give up all my personal time, I would much rather be taking a kid to/from daycare, cooking dinner, working on homework, etc..    What I don’t do? Clean windows or toilets.. but I’m assuming they will have a house cleaner for all that.

Anyone else up for a job change? We can create our own Nanny Network.. the bigger the network, the more our worth..  And if you know of anyone hiring let me know, I’ll give you a finder’s fee if it works out..   Oh, and I live in Northern CA.. willing to go international if need be…   🙂

A Quick Update And Warning For The Ladies.

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Hello All. I miss you!  I’ve been so busy with work and recovering from the flu that I haven’t had a chance to write.  I’ll be surprised if anyone is still around, reading my blog.

Work / Life balance has been extremely difficult these last few months.  Any spare time I’ve had has gone into running errands…  I’m working nights and weekends these days.. ATrain has been making dinner (I’ve never had my own personal chef… I do now!), taking care of me and the cats, just being an all around sweetheart.  A get this – he LIKES doing it.  It makes him happy.  I do not see any resentment or anger towards having to pitch in more…  He says he supports my work, knows I have to do it, and enjoys making my life easier.   I know, sweet.

We have talked about moving in together….  no date planned as of yet.  We would move into his home (its bigger and in a better neighborhood). I will rent my home out – furnished (which I’ve done before – not this home but another property I own in Utah)…  He did have a cat door installed for me and we turned one of his bedrooms into an office for me.  The rest is on me get a few things done and move on in…  Crazy.

Other than that, here are few ideas rolling around in  my head for blog entries: 

  • I love that there is a blogger community and we watch out for each other.  Check out this story – read this post  –  Thomas Murray – A cautionary Tale – then go to Jenni’s site, who blogged about her experience with this selfish sociopath.  This is her last day of her visit with him – http://ohjenni.com/2012/03/05/puerto-rico-part-4/  – but you will want to backward and forward as you desire to get the full story.  Ladies, consider yourself warned. There are men out there that get their jollies off lying and seducing women … scary.  FYI – I just read an article in this months Vogue – An Old Flame Dies Out ,  where a very successful woman had this happen to her as well – with an Old High School sweetheart.  Who reached out to her.   Who spent years lying to her.  He planned it … planned the whole thing.  IT can happen to anyone.  We are all susceptible to wanting what we want and what we want to see in someone. I know I stayed married for too long, loving a person that was not at all who they really were (my EX).
  • What is wrong with fashion this spring?  Lace and Jacquard.  Fugly in my opinion.  Boxy and fugly. You want to walk around looking like a doily?  Not me. How about a curtain/drape from the 1800’s?  Nope,  not me either.  When I start seeing people wear this, I’m going to take pictures.  Maybe it looks good on a hanger or an emaciated model, but ladies please…  say no to this fashion choice this spring.  What is right – bright blue shoes!!!

Let’s see, what else.  Did I  mention that work is crazy? And that ATrain is awesome?

Introducing The Family.

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So, I’m home tonight.  I just finished up with dinner at my favorite watering hole with ATrain.  We are doing very well…   so well in fact, that I’m taking him home to “meet the parents”.  I was thinking about it tonight, I’ve NOT introduced my parents to anyone except GFP in 5 years.  Tomorrow I’m taking the ATrain home with me to meet the parents.  5 years.  5 YEARS.  I keep repeating it because I can’t believe it.  My EX never came to Utah with me – I think he thought my family was beneath him (he was spoiled and elitist IMO), the last time he did was 2007.  That means that my parents haven’t met anyone that I’ve been with or dates in the last 5 years.   I know, I keep saying it, it’s just so surprising. No wonder they all think I’m a lesbian!  🙂

BTW, ATrain is Jewish, my parents are Mormon. I didn’t even know that there were Jewish people until I left Utah..  needless to say, there wasn’t much of a Jewish community in Provo Utah in the 1980’s… 

Finally, I should be working, I have a  TON of work to finish up before I can call it a night, but I wanted to share this momentous occasion.  I will let you know how it goes. With any luck, I’ll be able to take time away from work and actually do something fun for a change… like blog!

Just a Quick Update.

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I’m alive and happy.  I’ve just showered up after a run with CLicious and now heading out for a motorcycle ride with ATrain.  It’s a gorgeous day here in CA… 

Work has been brutal these last few weeks.  I’ll share more about what is going on – loving your job really has to do with enjoying what you do AND respecting the people around you.  I’m having a tough time with one of my colleagues…  I’ll share more later.

The cats are happy… I’m not home every night anymore (spending time with ATrain at his house, its only fair), but when we are home, they have two laps to sit on, they seem content with this arrangement. 

I’m headed to Utah next week to fix a few things at my condo – its a great condo that is rented out.. a gorgeous, furnished, luxury 2bdr, 2ba condo in the heart of downtown SLC.  I’d love it for myself but its just not possible now… so I’ve got to go fix a few things while the tenant is away.

Ok.. ATrain just showed up with his Harley…  Here I go!!

 

How Quickly Life Changes.

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Things can happen in an instant, your life can change in a matter of moments. 

I’ve experienced this first hand in such an unexpected way.  A-Train and I have spent a lot of time together since meeting back in early November.  And the time we have shared has been just magical.  I actually cried last night because I was so happy. I cannot belive how much he cares for me, how much he takes care of me, and how much I adore him. 

I just returned from spending a fabulous weekend with him in Santa Barbara.  I’ve finished unpacking, am now enjoying a glass of wine, and reminiscing about what great of a time we had.  We drove down on Friday…  spend time with his best friend – his childhood friend and his wife.  I loved them both.  I cannot wait to spend more time with them.. and we actually made plans to do that. It was comfortable and nice.

But before we left for Santa Barbara, A-Train had a surprise for me.  He had taken my car into a body shop and had a small dent fixed for me.  A dent that bugged me because I did it.  I accidentally ran into the electrical pipe that runs from the meter. It’s attached to the house, but it’s placed on the side of the house where there is a very narrow driveway.  I couldn’t see it…. when I first moved in I hit the pipe.   The mark I made on the right front fender was deep, no hiding it.  It has  bothered me, embarrassed me since it happened.   Not only because the dent is so obvious, but because it reminded me of my EX.  My EX used to always accuse me of not taking care of things. The insinuation was that I was not as good as him and that I didn’t know how to properly take care of things, that I was careless.  It really hurt me when he would say these words to me, after all, accidents do happen:

  • he accused me of “trashing” his car because I put a string-cheese wrapper in his car door pocket SO that I could throw it away when I got out of the car….
  • another time I lifted the lid on a printer and the plastic pin that holds the lid to the printer broke.  He accused me of being careless…  Honestly, I opened the lid and the thing snapped/popped…  but for the next 3 years, I “broke” the printer… and was reminded 1000 times to “be careful this time”…

Anyway, the surprise.  A-Train took my car to a body shop, had the dent repaired, and paid for it.  He did it because he knew it would make me feel better.  He wanted me to feel good.  Wanted me to be happy.  Seriously, I’ve NEVER had that kind of treatment.  As we were driving to Santa Barbara I started tearing up.  I told him how sweet he was, how nice and thoughtful it was.  You know what he said?  “I want to make you happy”.  Really?!?  Someone out there enjoys making me happy.  Wow.  I’ve never had that before.  It feels very strange.. and awkward.  It made me very uncomfortable at first… but really, after thinking about it, don’t I deserve that?  I deserved that in my marriage, I deserve that in all my relationships – To be with someone who WANTS me to be happy, that wants to do what they can to make me happy…    I feel the same way. I would go to the ends of the earth to do whatever necessary to make my partner happy…. 

So, two and a half months ago I didn’t know A-Train.  Now I cannot imagine my life without him.  I love spending time with him, traveling with him, hanging with him, and I sleep more soundly when I’m with him (I’ve had trouble sleeping for years… but not when I’m with him).  Sigh….

All I know is that life can change in an instant. My instant was a couple of months ago when CLicious introduced me to A-Train.  Lucky me.

Entering 2012 With A Bang.

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Happy New Year Everyone! 

I wanted to give a quick update.  My holiday weekend was WONDERFUL.  A-Train is amazing.  We had the best time together… 

A-Train and I drove up to Napa early Friday afternoon. Spent 2 glorious days in Yountville, CA.  Stayed at the Bardessono Resort & Spa (unbelievable – one of the nicest places I have ever stayed), had dinner with his son and his son’s girlfriend on Friday, spent time together on Saturday (went rollerblading thru wine country), drove home on Sunday.  It was an incredible weekend – spectacular company, delicious food, amazing scenery, fantastic bike rides.  We obviously couldn’t get enough of each other because we ended up spending Sunday and Monday together as well.  Our weekend ended this morning….. 😉

I am so happy that I let go of the past, got over the age/looks reservation, because honestly, I would have missed out on this opportunity.  Even though there is a 20 year age difference, A-Train and I have a lot in common:

  • We have kids relatively the same age – his son is 24, my AbFab is 22
  • We have the same moral compass – respect others, respect ourselves, honest to the bone, transparent
  • We are both nurturers
  • We are both hilarious and make each other laugh
  • We can have deep conversations about politics, religion, and the world at large

What more could any woman ask for?  A man who cares, that can show he cares, is nice to everyone around him, is witty and intelligent,  makes me laugh so hard my belly aches, , and is an expert bike rider? 

I know, I know, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s fresh.  But thinking about him makes me smile, and I WANT to spend more time with him.  AND he wants to spend more time with me.  The more time we spend together, the fewer reservations I have.  For now, I will bask in the glow of a fabulous weekend with a wonderful person and leave it at that.  I will spend as much time with him as I can before I leave for Florida next week… as a matter of fact, he is picking me up in 30 minutes and we are going to run errands and have dinner.  So domestic, I love it!

I have also made up my mind on my New Year’s Resolutions… I will get them out and make them “official” by weeks end. 

Lastly, I promise to write a post about A-Train – how we met (CLicious introduced us while we were Happy Houring it at our favorite restaurant/bar), when we met (early November), his nicknames for me (“sunshine” and “my little treasure”), and what I’ve learned both about him and myself thru this new adventure.

Napa For New Years.

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As requested by one of my favorite readers, a much lighter post …

I’m headed to Napa for New Years with my new man, the older gentleman, which will forever be known as A-Train (named by CLicious and her husband).  We have been spending a lot of time together lately, and you know what? I’m having a great time!  I’ve decided that I don’t care how odd we might look to others, I’m going to enjoy the man I’m with.   He is kind, generous, empathetic, hilarious, and sweet as can be to me.  And today he is taking me to one of my favorite little towns in Napa, where we will enjoy each other’s company while tasting wine, eating great food,  testing out our rollerblading skills, and of course a lot of bicycle riding!

So, all in all I’m going to have one fabulous weekend…  I wish you all the same!

My OCD Has Kicked In.

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Sometimes I get a bit Obsessive Compulsive.  I cannot believe it, but with all I have going on with work, with family and friends, and the holidays, thoughts of My Mr. Big keep coming back to me.  Where is he?  What is he doing? Is he happy? Not happy?  Is he thinking about me, about us, what we shared? 

I have spent the year holding back with new men… not wanting to get in too deep just in case My Mr. Big came back.   I now know I’ve been wasting my time (or maybe not, its made me pick a higher caliber of men EXCEPT for Chicken Legs.. another story coming soon), but it seems to have put me in obsessive mode.  I’ve not seen or heard from this man since April.  He has disconnected his phone, let his email expire…  he has not reach out. He has not tried to contact me NOR has he left me any avenues to do so.  Yet, I still think of him.. a lot.. too much in all honesty.  I loved what we shared, it was exactly what I want in a relationship.  But it obviously won’t work, he’s not interested. So why have I NOT moved on, found that “magic” with someone else?

Because that “magic” is so hard to find.  Sometimes it falls in your lap….   but it cannot be forcibly created.  It’s just happens, just shows up, just there…  that extra something between two people who just is.  One of my favorite bloggers, ThatPrecariousGait,  just wrote a great post on the New Normal.  I loved her insight on life, love, and moving on after  divorce.  After reading her post, I realized that my new normal, the one I enjoyed so much, was the life I shared with My Mr. Big.  I loved that life…  It’s like my favorite job.  I miss it, I want it back…

But alas, I am keenly aware that I now need a “new new normal”…  not one where I just live, waiting, hoping, that My Mr. Big comes back…  Its going to require me to get involved, to jump in to the pool of life, and get busy living.  This screams of a New Years Resolution.. I’ll keep you posted.